#stutering

[yesididstutter]

A Worthy Voice

A stop in your speech does not mean you aren’t worthy of being heard. It means life is crazy unfair and you unfortunately have this block you have to deal with. And it’s so hard. And it’s so unfair. And it’s so okay to acknowledge that. It really truly is. You’re not feeling bad for yourself if you’re just acknowledging what’s happening. Not all of us are going to be those motivational kids in Facebook videos that have all the right things to say. And that’s okay. Because no one is going to have the balls to ask you why your voice shakes. And if they do, you have a fabulous platform and a beautiful voice to use to tell them. There’s nothing anyone can do or say to take away the beautiful, strong, worthy of being heard, voice you have.

[yesididstutter]

What you can’t have

You know the ironic thing about stuttering is it is a constant game of wanting what you can’t have. You want to order something specific, ask a question, say something, but you can’t. You just want fluency but you can’t have that either. One won’t necessarily solve the other, but it sure would help. And its infuriating. Have I tocuhed on that yet? It’s simply infuriating. Because no matter how much you want it, there’s not a whole lot you can do. So people’s reaction is to tell you to want something else. Want to have a day of fluency, to be happy, to enjoy yourself. But I want what I can’t have. I already said that. I just want it. Because everyone else gets it. So why can’t I. I’ll stutter right through that menu because damnit Louis I want my steak medium well. What I can’t have is permanent in the case of my stutter, but I can still have what I can’t have, because I want it.

[yesididstutter]

Everyone’s a Doctor

People love to give me their opinion of why I have a stutter or how to fix it. Especially now that I’ve been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. 

“Maybe your stutter is because of your anxiety”

“This medicine will help mellow you out. It might help with your stutter too.”

My favorite was a psychiatrist telling me to talk slowly and see if that would help. What a novel idea. I can Wikipedia too, bud. The reason this bothers me so much, is because I never asked for your help or advice on this. I told you about it to explain myself and let you know what’s going on. Not to get your advice, that I know has good intentions. I see this and I realize this, but the thing is, I don’t need a doctor. I just need you to say okay and move on. Not suggest I get a brain scan to see if I have a tumor. Not to tell me my disorder is causing another one. I just need you to listen. Not everyone’s a doctor. And that’s okay. 

[yesididstutter]

Timeout for Ignorance

I put a kid in timeout because I misunderstood what she said due to her speech impediment and I did what society does to me everyday. I teach preschool to a room full of children that each have their own unique characteristic and one has a problem with enunciating her words. She goes to speech, but I don’t think mom can “afford” (make herself care enough) to take her as often as she needs to go. So today when I was serving grilled cheese and I heard her say “shut up” it never occurred to me she was asking for “ketchup”. Once she sat down, she kept looking at me with this face that told me she was generally confused. Then I took a second to listen to her, and I understood what she was saying. And the thing is, I just did a terrible thing because I didn’t take a second to clarify her words. I am constantly being put in timeout because taking a second to clarify is one second too many. Instead of asking again, having patience, or just being an understanding person, I get put in timeout and separated from everyone else. Speech impediments are a part of life and because this kid is someone who actually would tell me to shut up, my brain jumped there. Who the hell puts ketchup on a grilled cheese? She thought it was a hamburger. She didn’t know and I punished her for just trying to improve her lunch. Everyday I just try to live, and I get put in timeout because I’m misunderstood. Today I put a kid in timeout, just like society does to me, because of ignorance.

PS: I apologized to this kid and we talked it over. She even had seconds.

[yesididstutter]

Hiding in the Open

One thing I’ve heard people say and I’ve said myself, is something about being able to hide my stutter. I choose when to talk and switch my words around pretty quickly that I can ‘hide’ my stutter pretty well, for the most part. I most definitely have my days but I’ve heard people bring this up to me before. The thing is, I’m not trying to hide my stutter, I’m just trying to accommodate it for my own comfort. Hiding it would mean I’m ashamed or embarrassed. I mean yeah it’s hella embarrassing but more than that I switch around words or choose not to talk or utilize different tools because my own comfort is what’s most important. I mean what do I have to hide? I have a speech impediment and it sucks but that’s that. That’s all there is to it, nothing else to say or to hide behind. I catch each curve ball life throws at me one at a time, and sometimes I get to throw one of my own by ‘hiding’ my stutter, but that doesn’t mean it’s not still hiding in the open. 

[yesididstutter]

I’m OK but You Aren’t: An open letter to my boss

The thing about my stutter, is I’ve accepted it. I know what it is, how to handle it, and I’m okay with that. But the thing is, I know you aren’t, and that’s okay too. You’ve probably never heard anyone have one before and unless you have, it’s hard to understand. I get that, and that’s why I’m writing you this letter. But I’m also writing to tell you that it isn’t going to stop me and if it does throw me off, I can get right back on track. You see the thing is, I know how to handle it and I know it’s just a part of my daily life, but other people, clients, don’t, and I also know that. So yeah, calling people and confronting people is real hard for me and I haven’t brought this up with you yet because how do I explain this without you feeling like you have to do my job for me and how do I explain this without making myself feel like I’m using my stutter as an excuse? Because the thing I really want you to know, is that it isn’t an excuse, it’s an explanation. If you’re comfortable with me calling and confronting clients, I’ll do it, stutter and all. And if you aren’t, I get that too. Some people don’t understand what I go through and maybe you’re not ready to defend me, because you just don’t know how. I understand that I’m here to work for you, but I need you to know that when it comes to my stutter, I’m okay with it even if you aren’t but I’ll have a hard time telling you about it, because of all that’s unpredictable: your reaction and my stutter.

[yesididstutter]

Difference Isn’t a Crime

My stutter is nothing to be suspicious of. I’ve read too many articles and had my own experience with this, to not address it. This one right here really kills me. Is it clearer now that understanding and awareness is needed?

One time I tried to give blood and the nurse asked me for my name. I spelled it for her because it was easier. She snapped at me and told me she knew how to spell, and that I didn’t have to do it for her. I explained my stutter and she never spoke again the rest of the time. I was already insecure enough going into the situation but the snarky comment is what hurt the most. Someone in the medical field, who should understand this, had no second thought about why I might do something different from her.

Because, you see, that’s all I am. I’m just different. I have to spell things because it’s easier than saying them. Thing is, I get to decide how to run my life and how to say things. It isn’t your call, your place to judge, it has nothing to do with you. All I’m trying to do is live my life and I deserve the same respect as the next person because you have no reason not to give it to me. I can forgive you for not understanding, but I can’t forgive you for the ignorance of not trying to.

[yesididstutter]

Just like the movies

I don’t think I’ve ever sat around and hoped my life would be like a movie, but I think all of us would like that hero effect they have. You know, where you’re stuttering and then your friend or family or whoever stands up to the person laughing, bullying or staring and puts them in their place. You know what I mean. Like in the Princess Diaries. But the thing is, people don’t. Maybe they don’t have the opportunity to or maybe they just don’t feel it’s their place. And maybe I’m way too old to wish for this movie ending and maybe I should be more independent to want this movie ending but at the end of the day, it’s important because it means someone cared enough to speak up. That’s all we’re really asking for, isn’t it? For someone, anyone to stand up for us? For us to stand up for ourselves? If I’ve learned anything through this process it’s that I have to fight, and raise awareness for myself and the rest of us who need it. So, yeah, I like to think of myself as independent, strong willed, great at picking out nail polish colors, but also, I’d like that movie, fairy tale ending just once.

I found this video from the show, “What Would You Do” and it’s so relatable. I can don anything you can do, I just need an extra minute.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zG3yNlm0YxE