#thebentvent

[thebentvent]

I'm not a good person.

And I'm sorry.

[thebentvent]

Just here to say that only one of my friends showed up to my graduation party. And I was fine at the time. 

But now that I think about it, it really fucking hurts.

I don’t think I actually have a place in this world. I don’t have my place in a friend group. I don’t have a place in my family. I merely exist and occupy a space but nothing past that. 

People like me and call me smart, sweet, caring, whatever. But only at a surface level. 

When I try to make friends or find a place I fit, it never works.

My own self is the enemy. My own brain. My own being. 

I don’t know who I am. And I don’t think I want to anymore

[thebentvent]

Send help

Accidentally freaked out two people today. Out of nowhere got a feeling of which months they were born in and randomly asked them.

Got both right and freaked them out. I didn’t mean to, I just got really lucky 

One even asked if I was into astrology (I am not) and it just made it even weirder

This is why I do not open my mouth around people :) 

[thebentvent]

Tried on a dress i just bought and felt neutral about it, progress from feeling terrible and just deciding not to go to an event

My mom: yeah if you continue to work out and fast a few days before

Okay anything else you wanna say before my self confidence completely shatters?

[thebentvent]

Coming on here for a completely different reason than usual.

My confidence is actually pretty good right now. I have a job offer, I was recently told I’ll be valedictorian, my current job is going well, and I feel so much better since starting back at the gym.

I mean, not everything is perfect. I still have more assignments to do, still have more job interviews, and am not as strong as I want to be but nothing will ever be perfect. I am learning to enjoy the highs as they come and not worry about when the lows will come. I hope I can continue to stay like this.

Maybe it really does get better. 

[thebentvent]

Having a mental break big enough it makes you lose focus and return to a depressive state 

but too small that you don’t go through the rest of your time not caring and actually trying to enjoy what you’re given 

[thebentvent]

There’s either not enough time in the day or too much time in the day

Never just the right amount

[thebentvent]

Every time I yawn

Every time I I feel pain in my eyes from staring at the screen too long

Every time I overeat from stress

Every time I wake up at 4 am 

Every time I drink coffee so I don’t fall asleep

Every time I cry because there’s so much to do

Every time I have a headache or don’t feel well

Every time I want to take a break

Every time I no longer feel like doing this

I remember why I’m doing it

and that there are better things to come

Better days will come

right?