so i wrote a whole fucking TKDB crack fic cause i got nothing better to do
WARNING: minors do not engage
mentions of starbucks, fist up ass, pinkeye, blow up dolls, auctions, high speed chase with a transport truck, romeo shooting someone, more rectal torture and yuri vs leo
enjoy!
"jiro.. what did you say happened to him? re-read that report." yuri commanded.
"alright. this new cinnabon frappe drink had just dropped at starbucks. and our 2nd patient had just ordered the last one. the person behind him was waiting in line for a good 20-30 minutes to try the drink and 'crashed out' over it. he apparently tried to punch our 2nd patient but his friend was able to jam the punch with his stigma- causing the attacker's fist to reappear up his ass. there was a loud, blood curdling scream from the attacker as his ass got violated. but he was able to pull his fist out with a few attempts. after that, he tried to strike again. but this time, our 2nd patient grabbed a random 'ugly' bystander with blonde hair, otherwise known as our 1st patient- and pushed him in the way of the attacker. this caused the attacker to hit our 1st patient in the eye with his shitty fist- causing him to get pink eye."
yuri looked at him with disbelief and disgust. "see.. i'm still debating whether or not i believe such ludicrous. but considering the circumstances.. there doesn't seem to be any other logical explanation as to how they ended up in this state." he paused for a moment before continuing. "now.. what happened to our 2nd patient?"
jiro flipped the page of the report and began reading it. "another incident occurred later that day- involving a motorcycle, a transport truck filled with blow up dolls.. and an auction."
"just read the report!"
"ok. ..so the friends were on the motorcycle, stuck behind a transport truck. that's when the back of the transport suddenly came open. apparently, a bunch of blow up dolls began flying out like a swarm of ghosts. this caused them to not be able to see where they were driving. the friend immediately stopped his motorbike, causing our 2nd patient to go flying. but mainly cause he was holding onto the friend with one arm and sipping his drink with the other. as he went flying, he landed in the transport truck and the driver realized the truck had opened- so he closed it before our patient could get out. the friend started to panic and had no choice but to follow the truck to try and get the driver's attention. according to a bystander, they heard the friend yelling 'hey! i'd like to buy one of your blowup dolls!'. but the driver seemed to be deaf. the friend had no choice but to continue following the truck."
"so then how did our patient get injured? get to the point!"
"we're getting there. ..after a long chase, the friend met himself at some auction. when the driver finally opened the trunk, he was met with our unconscious patient. apparently, he was thrown into the trunk so hard that he hit his head and other parts of his body."
"so you dragged the story on.. when you could've simply just told me his injuries occurred upon being thrown off the motorcycle- into the truck!"
"that's exactly what i told you."
"yes.. only after much time wasting, irrelevant info!" yuri snapped.
"oh, that was relevant." jiro continued to read on. "the auction was apparently a set-up for a group of guys that have been kidnapping darkwick students. it was a mission assigned to sinostra. the truck driver was one of the traffickers. when he began yelling over his missing dolls, romeo lucci- a student from sinostra, came outside to see what was going on. upon seeing our patient in the truck, he lost his temper and started shooting at the driver with a machine gun. but this was only after calling him numerous slurs mixed with cuss words. according to taiga hoshibami- romeo only lost his temper cause he knows our patient. he almost blew their cover by shooting one of the traffickers. after lots of commotion, the friend was able to drive our patient to the nearest medical facility. but our patient woke up and started telling off the faculty. so they got fed up and sent him here."
"if he told off darkwick general.. then i don't blame him for that. but that doesn't excuse his other reckless behavior." yuri snarls, crossing his arms and looking down at the patient. "like trying to fight one of our house members when they were transporting him here."
"isn't he from that punk house? vaga-something.." jiro trailed off, trying to remember the name of it. "and our other patient- 1st year.. frostheim student."
"his name kaito fuji. you call yourself a doctor and yet you can't remember the names of your own patients?!"
"you forgot the name of the sleeping medicine we used to knock out our other patient."
"silence! i never use that drug on my patients because of how potent it is. ..i simply forgot it existed, is all."
"and yet you used it on this one?"
"he was trying to fight our people. it was the only drug that would immediately knock him out."
after yuri's yelling, they heard some ruffling from behind the curtains and assumed their patients must have woke up.
"ah, they're awake. jiro.. you take the frostheimer. god only knows what kind of air born germs he's radiating."
"ok." jiro obediently walked over to kaito's bed to tend to him. meanwhile, yuri hesitated to see what he was gonna be dealing with.
a sudden, aggravating voice came from behind the curtains to greet him.
"well, doc? are you gonna tend to my wounds yet? should i strip for you so it's easier?"
yuri immediately began to dread his decision of taking on this patient. he opened the curtains and crossed his arms, trying to maintain his composure. "that won't be necessary.. right now." he cleared his throat before speaking again. "you injured your head and have since been engaging in arguments and acting aggressive for no reason. so i'm going to give you something to calm down, before examining your injuries. but first.. i need you to answer some basic questions, to determine whether you have a concussion."
"leo kurosagi, may 23rd, AB, vice president of vagastrom."
"all correct. now-"
"docc.. do you really expect anyone to take you seriously when you dress like that? what's with that twink choker and that teal hair?"
yuri internally began to fold faster than a plastic bag out a car window on a highway. leo could see his face turning red, like he was about to lose it and start raging.
but suddenly, he stopped for a moment and began chuckling like a psycho. he then covered his mouth and looked away.
"aw, my bad. ..must be the effects of this head injury. it's making me say weird stuff."
"i've actually decided.." yuri starts, his face contorted a bit maniacally. "since we've ruled out that you don't have a concussion.. or any real head trauma, for that matter.. your 'comments' could be the result of an internal fever. do you know what that is?"
"like.. a fever but it hasn't began to show symptoms outside my body?" leo asks, pretending to go along with him, just for his own amusement.
"yes. and in order to check an internal fever.. i'm going to need to you strip."
"what? seriously, doc? shouldn't you be checking my injuries, first?"
"later. because you might have more after this examination." he says, suddenly pulling out a large thermometer.
"and where are you putting that?" leo asks, crossing his arms.
"you'll find out. now strip!" yuri yells, his voice commanding.
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bonus content ☆
"sho-chaan.. that PMS was so mean. he shoved a giant thermometer up my ass for no reason."
"oh yea? and what'd you do to piss him off?"
"i didn't do anything! i seriously think he's into men. i mean, have you seen how he forces his assistant to dress? like some doctor-assistant bdsm experiment."
"on god." sho shakes his head. "so.. have you apologized to that blonde haired schizophrenic?"
"well, i actually found out he's not schizophrenic. just a little bitch. so no.. i'm not gonna apologize to someone who actively chooses that as their public persona. it's just canon if bad things happen to them."
"i'm talking about when you pushed him in front of you and that guy hit him."
"exactly what i said. it's his fault for existing."
"what the fuck, leo?"