back to what blogs were

[thebentvent]

Planned on having sex with my boyfriend tomorrow

My period just started

🙃

I finally feel ready and my body goes against me yet again

[thebentvent]

My boyfriend is so sweet and gentle with me. I can have a bad day and being with him makes it a good day. He's so kind to me. The way I fr get princess treatment with massages, hugs, kisses, and just him genuinely caring for me and listening to me. He cares about my interest and what I have to say. It's almost insane.

[thebentvent]

Work was absolutely terrible. Both my patients de-satted at the same time and I just felt like I did a terrible job handling both of them tonight. Completely dropped my confidence right before getting off orientation.

But seeing him made it so much better. I think a hug and squeeze from him could get me out of the worst of moods.

[thebentvent]

Had my first kiss today (well technically yesterday)...

Oh wow...

I enjoyed it, I think he may have been a little too happy

[thebentvent]

I went on a date yesterday... It was strange on my part. Something I've always wondered about felt so normal. It's weird to think I deserve normalcy or someone who enjoys talking to me.

The guy was really sweet and easy to talk to. He was really respectful, opened all the doors for me and other people, offered his jacket, paid for dinner. He walked me back to my car and we hugged and I didn't feel uncomfortable once.

It was scary at first but I'm glad I put myself out there. We'll see where this goes

[thebentvent]

I'm not a good person.

And I'm sorry.

[thebentvent]

Just here to say that only one of my friends showed up to my graduation party. And I was fine at the time. 

But now that I think about it, it really fucking hurts.

I don’t think I actually have a place in this world. I don’t have my place in a friend group. I don’t have a place in my family. I merely exist and occupy a space but nothing past that. 

People like me and call me smart, sweet, caring, whatever. But only at a surface level. 

When I try to make friends or find a place I fit, it never works.

My own self is the enemy. My own brain. My own being. 

I don’t know who I am. And I don’t think I want to anymore

[thebentvent]

Send help

Accidentally freaked out two people today. Out of nowhere got a feeling of which months they were born in and randomly asked them.

Got both right and freaked them out. I didn’t mean to, I just got really lucky 

One even asked if I was into astrology (I am not) and it just made it even weirder

This is why I do not open my mouth around people :) 

[thebentvent]

Tried on a dress i just bought and felt neutral about it, progress from feeling terrible and just deciding not to go to an event

My mom: yeah if you continue to work out and fast a few days before

Okay anything else you wanna say before my self confidence completely shatters?

[thebentvent]

Went shopping today. For once accepted how I look in the mirror. Even if it’s not what I want, I did my best not to hate myself. 

I’m hoping that I judge myself more than others do. While I may notice how my arms or stomach or back looks, I think others are too focused on themselves to see what’s wrong with me.

Anyways

[thebentvent]

Coming on here for a completely different reason than usual.

My confidence is actually pretty good right now. I have a job offer, I was recently told I’ll be valedictorian, my current job is going well, and I feel so much better since starting back at the gym.

I mean, not everything is perfect. I still have more assignments to do, still have more job interviews, and am not as strong as I want to be but nothing will ever be perfect. I am learning to enjoy the highs as they come and not worry about when the lows will come. I hope I can continue to stay like this.

Maybe it really does get better. 

[thebentvent]

Having a mental break big enough it makes you lose focus and return to a depressive state 

but too small that you don’t go through the rest of your time not caring and actually trying to enjoy what you’re given 

[thebentvent]

There’s either not enough time in the day or too much time in the day

Never just the right amount

[thebentvent]

Every time I yawn

Every time I I feel pain in my eyes from staring at the screen too long

Every time I overeat from stress

Every time I wake up at 4 am 

Every time I drink coffee so I don’t fall asleep

Every time I cry because there’s so much to do

Every time I have a headache or don’t feel well

Every time I want to take a break

Every time I no longer feel like doing this

I remember why I’m doing it

and that there are better things to come

Better days will come

right?

[thebentvent]

Doing a terrible British accent because I watched Love Island for the first time. Makes proofreading assignments much better. Would rather be eating tiramisu with Ekin-Su tho

[thebentvent]

I feel so bad that I wish my mom would stop calling me. I was in such a good mood today and then she called and I just instantly felt terrible. I don't want to ignore her but I don't want to talk to her right now because I'm still upset with her. So much that I don't even wanna go home for Labor Day or Fall Break. Which kinda sucks because I need some stuff from the house because I got distracted while packing and forgot it. But I just don't want to deal with it or be around her because it either makes me angry or sad. Like I'm actually pissed off even more because my mood has been ruined when I'm trying to freaking get assignments done and study. I was on a roll and actually making good time with completing stuff and now I just want to go sit under a blanket and do nothing or take a nap so I don't have to feel bad, but I can't do that because I did that during the week since it was very rough mentally and can't afford to because exams are coming up. Anyways idk, it's all just very upsetting.