The Stuff of Thoughts

A virtual diary.

[tackled]

via weheartit

[thepersonalquotes]

[adrenaline]

by Alexey Lickutov

[ambiguities]

[thestuffofthoughts-blog]

Working on the concept of manifestation. I bought this book that is supposed to prove that your thoughts control your reality. So I sent a message out to someone who doesn't talk to me anymore. Still waiting for the proof that he got it.

[guarded]

VIA WeHeartIt

[thestuffofthoughts-blog]

I'm still working on the novel and lately it's my new form of therapy. I have been seeing an actual therapist too but writing gives me a chance to get in my head a little bit in a new way. I struggle feeling like it's a good enough story or if the words flow in the right way. But honestly it's forcing me to pat myself on the back and be proud.

[dominicbeyeler]

Sketch of the day…

[luckily]

Silver Linings Playbook (2012)

[thestuffofthoughts-blog]

I’ve been working a bit more on my novel. I never realized the thought and effort that truly went into writing a book. Of course you have all these characters and scenes to get out, but it’s more than that. Right now, my struggle is in the detail. There are certain parts of this book that I feel need to be said, but it’s a lot of information just to get to the good part. 

I’ve usually only ever written poetry or short stories so I’m used to the idea of getting as much out in as little space as possible. With a novel obviously you need more than that. All I can say is that it’s been therapeutic to write about what’s in my head and I’m excited for the potential of a finished product. 

[thestuffofthoughts-blog]

In an effort to keep up with my goals, despite feeling more depressed and overwhelmed than I have in a long time, I decided to go to the doctor today. I met with a DO which does a lot of homeopathic medicines and she has me starting something new this week. I’m hoping it makes some changes but she said that she doesn’t think my anxiety and depression is a chemical imbalance because if it was, all the medicines I tried in the past would have helped. 

I went to the library too. I do want to start trying to read at least a half hour a day. I got the book Silver Linings Playbook. I’ve seen the movie and adore it. As someone who suffers from BPD and mental illness, I relate to Tiffany’s character. The movie means a lot to me in a lot of different ways, but I’ve always liked reading the books that go along with them. I’m a few chapters in already and so far it’s incredible. It’s written in such a raw, human way that I can’t quite explain. 

On that topic, I’ve decided to write a novel. On my list of things to work on for myself, I wanted to try to write every day, so I finally decided to do it in the form of something a bit more creative. While journaling/blogging is helpful too, I have a story I want to tell and I think it will be a nice escape to get it out. 

[thestuffofthoughts-blog]

I am completely overwhelmed.

My mom being sick is taking its toll on me and I don’t know what to do anymore. She hurt her back a few weeks ago and since then I have had even more to do. She can’t walk as far or bend down really so now I have to clean up and take care of the animals. I am working as many hours as possible right now and this week I’ll be working six days. I am in school full time and I’m trying to keep myself composed, but literally anytime something goes wrong I start yelling or grinding my teeth. My whole entire body aches and I feel so drained. The circles under my eyes are so noticeable and I have my damn anxiety and phobias to deal with.

My sisters haven’t done anything to help. A couple weeks ago I texted one of them, yelling about how it’s all on me. She got annoyed and talked shit to my mom about me so I apologized. She said she would help more but she hasn’t come by at all. 

I literally feel like I could fall apart at any moment. I’m so fucking angry all the time. I am trying to work on myself and do good things for me but it’s so hard when everything is on your shoulders.

[enjoy-the-life-baby]

[melisica]

[lovelustquotes]

In the flicker of candlelight, with a spotlight shinning through my soul, you touched a bit of it I didn’t realize was there. And even though you’ve long left me, I am forever grateful for the lesson.

Simone Cherie (via lovelustquotes)

[thestuffofthoughts-blog]

What’s frustrating when you have a mental illness is how people genuinely don’t understand it. They claim they do. They claim that it makes sense, yet they still pin your flaws against you.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Because of this, I have a fucked up view of relationships. My experiences with men are always changing. If a guy gives me too much attention, I find them repulsive. If a guy doesn’t text me enough, I overthink and assume he wants nothing to do with me, which makes me want him more.

Today at work I was explaining to my coworkers about how I was frustrated with this new guy who always is asking me to hang out and messages me all the time. In response, the two of them made fun of me because a few weeks ago I was upset when a different boy hadn’t texted me all day. I tried explaining to them that I knew I was finicky and obnoxious but it had a lot to do with my BPD and my own issues with men. They claimed they understand it but just kept saying how I keep changing my mind.

Exactly. That’s what I was explaining. 

It’s just frustrating, especially when you have a mental illness that fucks up your relationships with other people. It makes me look like I am picky and ridiculous in relationships but it is so much deeper rooted...

[thestuffofthoughts-blog]

I’m in a class this term called Wellness. This week we were looking at the 8 dimensions of wellness (social, intellectual, spiritual, environmental, financial, occupational, emotional, and physical) and for my assignment I took an assessment to see how my dimensions were looking. Within each dimension, a score of 40 was deemed perfect. In every single dimension, I ranged from 20′s to low 30′s. It really made me realize that I need to make some changes in my life. I am so stressed, angry, tired, sad...all the time. It never seems to stop. I’m hoping by working on each dimension, in little ways each day, that I can get myself on a better track.

And one of those things is to write every day. I do have a physical journal that I keep next to my bed, so between that and this Tumblr, I hope to write once a day. Also on the list is meditations. I do have the Headspace app on my phone and while it only gives you 10 meditations for free, I am going to try to meditate once a day as well.

Tonight I went to a salsa dancing lesson and although I probably won’t be back (I did terribly haha), I intend to incorporate more physical activity into my life, hopefully in the form of other fun activities.

With SL and I being on a “break” in our friendship right now, I need to work on building better connections and relationships with the people I DO have in my life, so reaching out to friends will be a big help.

Reading for a half hour a day is a goal I’d love to achieve. I have always loved reading but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve deemed Netflix and my cellphone as bigger priorities. I have my library card and I hope to start reading more. (Any book suggestions will be kindly appreciated! Inbox me!)

Those are the little things I am hoping to work on in the next week or so to try to give myself a little bit of goodness in my life. I am sick of always being paranoid and anxious and all around miserable.