thoumeghts

What am I searching for?

[thoumeghts]

Yet again in the zone of feeling like this is all I'll ever be.

The world is just really scary sometimes, seeing all these people who are so high up there, being capable of achieving things that feel so far out of reach for someone like me. And it's just... how will I ever get there? The me who can't help but make stupid mistakes, the me who is still so socially awkward, the me who doesn't even seem to have any 'potential' to show.

But they say to always end such statements with the word 'yet'. It feels like the toughest fight to just believe in myself. But it's a fight I have to win, or learn to win. The comforting thing is that this fight is not a single, decisive fight. I can lose from Monday-Saturday, but I can also be winner on Sunday. Even if my victories are few or rare, they are mine, and they can happen again.

There's this part of me still fighting, headstrong. A small part, but it's there. It's like a brave little girl. It reminds me that any idea close to 'there's zero hope' is ridiculous. And me thinking that this is all there is to life when I haven't truly, truly seen the world is crazy. So just for now, I'll still fight.

[thoumeghts]

I don't know how to fall in love with life... It's like a miserable arranged marriage I can't get out of.

thoumeghts

[thoumeghts]

Why don't I wanna live? I am not strong enough. There are many beautiful things in life, yes, but they are nothing compared to the bad. Suffering through all the bad doesn't feel all that worth it for those few fleeting moments of happiness.

Thoumeghts

[thoumeghts]

What do I do when it seems like no amount of rest can bring back the energy and life I’ve lost along the way? Each day I am no more than an empty shell, walking this earth on a barren path that never seems to end.

thoumeghts

[thoumeghts]

shitshow

I actually don’t care. I don’t care about positivity. I don’t care about working hard to improve myself just to survive in this world. I don’t care about spirituality. But I have to convince myself that I care, and live as though I do just to distract myself from how much I hate being alive deep inside. It’s all just a stupid show. And god damn, I’ll have to do this all over again tomorrow morning when I wake up. This show’s just gonna keep running for the rest of this life. When will the curtains finally close?

[thoumeghts]

At the end of the day, did the good times mean anything now that you're gone? Were these memories made just to be looked back on?

thoumeghts

[thoumeghts]

The truth is that it really hurts. The loneliness and emptiness are crushing me. My inadequacies are blinding. I'm screaming for help, but no one can hear these screams.

thoumeghts

[thoumeghts]

On craving love.

I’m supposed to be an adult, a strong independent woman that loves herself and is focused on achieving goals rather than a love life. I’m supposed to take this easy, to let love naturally find me when the time is right and when I’m ready. But I’m not all of these. I pretend that I’m fine and that I love everything about being single, because even the younger me has wanted this for myself. The younger me used to say that I’d be fine with or without someone, because I’m enough for myself and there is so much more to life than love. But these days, I’m not so strong. I can no longer keep up what was probably just a facade. I see couples and crave what they have. I dream of the cuddles, the conversations and how two people make life a more beautiful experience for each other. 

I can’t help it. I wish there was a switch to just turn all these dreams and feelings off. But the naïve child in me will probably never stop yearning for a love to call my own, even as this yearning slowly kills me off inside.

[thoumeghts]

of birthdays

Another birthday, another day of this crushing emptiness. It’s supposed to be a day of celebration and happiness, but why does it always end up feeling like it’s one of the worst days of the year? I’ve always thought, ‘perhaps it’s just this year’, and that things would change before I know it, but perhaps... some things may just never get better. 

[thoumeghts]

I’m still just a child in this vast, terrifying world. I fight, but some days even these battles seem so futile. I lose myself trying to claw forward, but never quite gain anything in return.

Thoumeghts

[thoumeghts]

It feels like somewhere along the way, without my knowledge, my life got put on hold indefinitely... I’ve forgotten how to dream, how to have fun... and how to live. Will I ever get my life back? Or is this all there is for me?

thoumeghts

[thoumeghts]

I feel like plain water in a world that only knows flavours.

[thoumeghts]

studying sucks me dry

I know I should be grateful I have access to education and that I made it into a good university, but it’s hard to be. I feel like I’ve lost touch with myself, and all I’m ever doing is worrying and trying to meet the next deadline and feeling shitty about myself. Anything that I do that’s not studying just feels like I’m not putting my time to good use. I no longer have the energy to even think about the issues/causes I used to care so much about. Every day just feels like fighting in a losing battle.

I’m tired. I really am.

[thoumeghts]

Ahhh. We’ll be parting ways soon, huh. So let me write about you one final time, in my slightly tipsy state, achieved by forcing down nasty, bitter alcohol.

I can’t quite control this lonely, desperate heart of mine. I fall too easily, and this time, my heart has set its sights on you. This heart of mine, it behaves like a rebellious child, going about as if there are no consequences to its foolish acts. Sure, having feelings for you excites me, and gives me something to look forward to, and brightens some of these dull experiences we go through in life. I thought it’d be harmless, or perhaps even beneficial, to have something simple to look forward to that so easily lifts my mood without cost.

But at the end of the day, a crush is a crush. Feelings are still feelings, and when you catch them, you’d still wish these feelings were returned at the end of the day. And when they aren’t returned...... well, this is the result. Writing that will never be seen by the one it is aimed towards, and the heart-wrenching longing for more than this, more than just admiring you from afar. Not so harmless after all, is it? Is it still as fun? Was it truly without cost? I don’t think so.

All I can do is curse this heart of mine, a being that exists beyond control. A heart that cannot be tamed, that’s what it is. I can only hope it listens to reason, to rationality. But the fact that we’re here now, writing this...... seems like hope is yet another one that will suffer a bitter defeat against my feral, unpredictable heart.

[thoumeghts]

These feelings have always felt so fake, but at times they have been overwhelming, almost uncontrollable. They crash into me like waves, without warning. And I get so tempted to risk it all and pour myself out to you without regard of the consequences, to let you know the intensity of what you make me feel for you.

Thoumeghts

[thoumeghts]

I like you! A whole lot. But these feelings, although mine, are not things I trust in. I know matters of the heart are often unpredictable and cannot be explained with reason, but my feelings have, too many times, been too irrational to be allowed to exist.

Thoumeghts

[thoumeghts]

When the activities of the day end, and night time arrives, it is either a peaceful, welcome respite or a breakthrough by demons from their restraints in your mind.

Thoumeghts