AM: overwhelmed. so overwhelmed and stressed, I found it hard to breathe. I couldn't concentrate. 'what should I do first?' Not thinking clearly, my hands were shaking. I entered 406's room.
"good morning, my name is christine and I'm going to be your nurse today. Could you please tell me your name and date of birth?"
"do you know where you are?" "what year is it?" "do you know why you're here?"
I checked the pumps and the fluids.
I looked at him. "Yes, yes I am definitely new," I said. I expected a scoff, but all he said was "these nurses are getting younger and younger these days."
'i'll take that' I said in my head. "I'll be back later with your meds, Mr. H_____."
throughout the day, I was busy. found it hard to concentrate for sure. I thought, 'i can't do this' multiple, multiple times. my anxiety was swallowing me whole, I felt like I was drowning. luckily, i had help. when I entered 406's room, he didn't have many meds. It was just culterelle, which he couldn't take anyway because he was NPO, and insulin due at 1200 and 1800. his drips: protonix running @ 10ml/hr, sandostatin @ 5mcg/hr, D5 NS @ 75ml/hr.
I told him the plan for the day: repeat EGD later today, I'll lyk what time once I find out, I need your consent for x/y/z, I gotta give you a unit of blood, we're waiting to hear back on hospitals.
"Can I ask you a personal question?" he asked me. "What's the point of it all?"
I looked at him and paused. "What do you mean?"
"Well, I'm not getting any better. I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I could talk to a doctor to find out answers."
I felt for him, and I told him this. If I were in his shoes, I would also hate not knowing what's happening, not knowing what the plan is. Not being able to understand anything. "I would feel really anxious not knowing," I said to him. He listened quietly and nodded.
"Hey, we don't know why you're bleeding. That's why we're doing the repeat EGD, to take biopsies and see what the diagnosis is." I explained to him what the procedure was, explained to him what a GI bleed could mean (--it could mean many things).
"The GI tract is super long. Just because you find one bleed and patch it up, doesn't mean there could be another one bleeding somewhere else. I used to work in surgery -- trust me, even the surgeons are stressed out looking for that bleed. And everything is bleeding! So it's hard to see, everything is covered in blood! We're going to get it figured out. We're in this together. We're figuring it out together. If I see any doctors come in, I'll make sure they come your way so you can get your answers, and that way we can be on the same boat."
"Thank you. Your name again was--?"
"Christine, sir." I smiled even though I was afraid. I was scared.
I explained to him his call light, how to use it, and where it was located. I asked him, "Are you comfortable? Do you need to be repositioned again right now?" I made sure to check off all of those things before I left the room.
As the day went on, I continued to check on him. "Any pain?" "Reposition?" "Bowel movement?" "It's okay sir, you can pee! You have a purewick, it's working." "Sir, your procedure is at 1200, so we can expect someone coming around then. The time currently is 0900."
"The time is currently ____"
"The time currently is ---"
I kept telling him the time throughout the day so he wouldn't feel lost. We talked about his friend and his sister visiting. "Excellent, it'll be good to have some company!" He seemed happy to have visitors.
Any doc I saw, I would tell them to come into his room so he could get answers. He requested a chaplain, asked if it were even possible. I said I would do my best to make it happen, and it happened. After the Chaplain visited, I asked him how it went. "Thank you Christine, I very much needed to hear that.. I needed to hear what I needed to hear coming from a man of God."
"You're welcome, Mr. H. Anytime. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to let me know. Your call light is on your right side. Do you want your light OFF or ON? Are you comfortable?" He kept saying thank you to me.
It was approaching the end of the shift, somehow I had made it. It was 1800. I let him know the plan for the rest of the day, and how another nurse will come in around 1900 for shift change and I'll introduce him to the next nurse.
"Can I tell you something Christine?"
"Christine, you are a God send, I think you're the best one."
I was surprised because I'm just a dumb, new nurse. Idk wtf I'm doing. "...What makes you say that sir?"
"It just feels like you actually care."
I started tearing up, but I was smiling again. Not because I was scared, but because I felt really humbled to hear that. "Thank you for saying that, I appreciate those words very much. It means a lot to me." It really did mean a lot to me.
"I don't mean to say it like I say it to everyone or make you feel uncomfortable. I really mean it. Out of all the nurses I've had while being here, you're the only one who cared."
At 1900, it was shift change. I introduced him to his next nurse. "I think this one is going to be another good one like Christine," he said first thing. I was touched. If only everyone on the unit could hear him lol. We actually talked for a bit, all 3 of us. Talked about how he served in the military, used to be in a rock band, played guitar, loved to sing--- but all stopped because of his Parkinson's, the tremors.
"I stopped singing because I bet I sound horrible."
"NO--" both of us nurses exclaimed at the same time. "Keep going!!" It was a fun conversation; I forgot I was at work for a second because of how much I was enjoying it.
At the end of the night, I said goodnight, and that I hope to see him again on Saturday, but also I want him to go where he needs to go to get the help he needs.
"Christine, thank you. Really."
"It's my pleasure, sir. I hope you get well soon."
The next time I saw him, he wasn't doing so good. Mr. H had a stroke the day after, left sided weakness that was obvious. He couldn't squeeze my right hand or plantar flex his left foot. He was still receiving multiple PRBCs. He couldn't communicate very well anymore. He was pale, and very weak. He seemed uncomfortable breathing. It made me sad. He was added on a pressor as well. He was more unstable.
"Mr. H, it's me, Christine. I'm going to take good care of you today, OK?"
Around 4am on 8/19, I found out Mr. H had finally passed. Heartbroken, I continued to work. It happened so fast... No hospital had accepted his case, and he was just constantly bleeding. He couldn't get the care he needed, and it was too late.
I understand patients come and go, stories can be really sad sometimes. Most of the time, they don't affect me, but 406's story is one that will be always close to my heart. After all, we were just strangers that became friends in the short, vulnerable time we had together.
Mr. H, I hope you passed comfortably. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you in your last moments, but just know your story will always resonate with me. You believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself, thank you. You've worked hard; you've been so tired. You are loved. You did well. Goodnight, you can finally rest.
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