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Overcast Clouds, 51°F

1020 Harris Ave, Bellingham, WA 98225, USA

So a lot of thoughts today. Went on a hike with Liv and really needed it. It was therapeutic.

It goes in line with an issue I've been facing around like.. feeling everything gets put in the future. I set goals around I hope in the future I do or am x, y or z. When like I could literally do that right now. I can choose to be proud. I can choose to see my self worth. Choose to see my beauty.

Same with like. How many times do I need to meet new people and have them get to know me and all read me so similarly until I start believing and know those things about myself. How many times does someone need to meet me and realize I'm powerful. Realize I'm likable. Realize Im worthy of love. Realize I'm a good human and friend. Realize I'm worthy.

HOW LONG, ME???? BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOUVE DONE. YOU ARE GOOD.

Broken Clouds, 46°F

421 1st Ave S, Seattle, WA 98104, USA

Use trail and new gift of time to heal and really look inward and learn to see your positive self.

You will long for the trail. Desire to be back there. But it was a temporary adventure. It came and went exactly as intended. You cannot relive it. You cannot recreate it. It was a treasure and take what you loved from it and craft the life you want.

Plan and execute new adventures from here based off leaning you could do the PCT.

12/12 Update

Some of the slumps really dont help. Wondering if antidepressants are in my future. Even the little things dont bring me joy. Dont make me feel as they used to. I'm a terrible cat owner and I keep being a terrible self care taker. I have to stop drinking and take better care of myself. I have to save money. I forgot how uncomfortable it can be the first while of recouping after spending a lot of money. It's the pits.

I want to like myself and my life. I want to feel a little bit of joy. Cmon world. Do I have to do it all?

Fog, 49°F

521 WA-906, Snoqualmie Pass, WA 98068, USA

Day 135 2374.9 - 2393 Snoqualmie Pass!!

Had a rough night sleep due to noisy dudes on the dirt road. But hiked with Eva all day into the pass! We had lunch, chatted, met a lot of day hikers and overall had a great time getting into town. It was foggy and eventually started misting. Had to keep our rain gear on most of the day.

Sadly missed all CC100 peeps due to being too far ahead, which turns out Dylan got full use of that. But. We did pass a dude whose car was literally in the woods. Hopefully everything was ok for him.

Got super awesome views coming into town and got into the hotel and felt peace. Got my box, shower, laundry, food, chilling. Naked and afraid. And SLEEEEEEEEEEP

Day 128 2205 - 2228

Trout Lake

TOWN DAAAAAY. We did 24.5 miles by 3:45. We are getting goooooood. We even had lunch.

I don't have much to say on this other than views fuel me, rap powered me up the last hill and then we got a dope ride in with Doug.

Trout Lake is small, adorable and my favorite stop thus far. Mainly because it was everything I needed. We arrived at the store and were greeted so kindly. The rooms we got were amazing. The shower had product in it and they had robes for us. So we all got snacks and beer and showered. I did laundry. We waited for that by drinking and eating and once we had clothes we went to the country inn for dinner and it was so cute. I just cant get over the place. They had a Pacific Crest Ale from Dru Bru and it was so so good.

I drank a bit much but it all ended up ok. The bed was HEAAAAAVEN.

8850 Hyatt Prairie Rd, Ashland, OR 97520, USA

Day 106 & 107 Ashland Z E R O

Woke up in Seiad and packed up with time to get breakfast at the cafe before the bus. I finally had pancakes on trail! Whoda thunk it.

Got on the bus and had quite the barfy hour and a half. And suddenly we were in Yreka! 7 of us tried to hitch for about an hour then suddenly we were saved. A lovely guy and dog picked us up and we all comfortably fit. With our packs! And away we went to Ashland.

Once we arrived it was immediate go time. Bounced my box, shopped for boxes at the coop, spending way too much. Got to safeway then back to the coop for a taxi ride to the hostel. Got ALL OF IT DONE. It was a lot at once but we did it. Stress and all.

We packed it all up and headed to the post office then the brewery. It was dope! Felt bubsy and went to a gear shop then Eva and I got back to the room, showered and watched Walk the Line. Good shiz.

Tried sleeping but it was a fucking oven in the rooooooom ughh.

Next day was Morning glory where we saw Faceplant and Smokebeard! Calling Britt, doing left over chores, snacks from Co Op. Girl time with eva and una and Never Been Kissed. Dinner by Dylan with Smokebeard! Then watching Red Sparrow and sleeeeeeeping!

Haze, 83°F

8850 Hyatt Prairie Rd, Ashland, OR 97520, USA

Day 105 1634.5 - 1655.9

Seiad Valley

Slept like a rock and got up early and decided to hike as fast as possible to get to town before the cafe closed. I had veggie burger on the brain. So I hiked about 3.5 miles an hour and took a few breaks but got to the road and was offered a cold gatorade which was life saving. Boogied on down the road to some good tunes and finally got to the cafe at 12:30 and SADLY NO VEGGIE BURGERS. Which really sucked but.. managed to get a bagel sandwich and fries and fruit so yayaya.

Checked into the RV park and werent able to set up tents for a few hours so we chilled and did laundry and SHOWERRRRRSSSSS. SO SO GOOD.

The Rv Park owner was an interesting dude. Learned about no monumet and how the fire service starts fires.

Drank beer. Ate food. Was lazy. Watched Incredibles and promptly went to bed later that night.

Day 21 Mile 275 - 295

Started off the day super frosty but the oatmeal I made was dope! Headed off quickly with Dylan and we boogied quick through the snow. Alex joined in and it was lovely. He's good people. We banged out 10 miles by 10. We were stopped for lunch and it was nice but honestly I only had one issue - my pack suddenly started smoking. Alex ran over to save the day and it was my anker. It lit on fire. No idea why.

My melly, my liner. So much destroyed. Its really shit. My stuff all smells... i handled it well at the moment but it was really frustrating. My food bag has a hole. My bag is damaged. Everyone came to help but I felt super helpless.. it sucks. Got the name Cherry Bomb.

So we moved onto the water source and I washed my clothes and liner off and it was super weird. Ran into the AT boys. Positioned myself to hike with Happy Feet and it was worth it. I need to hike with him more. Got to camp and got into a spring and ate dinner. Talked and played spoons.

I really enjoy the people I'm hiking with. They are so lovely.

Now to Cowboy Camp

Day 20 Mile 266 - 275

Woke up in the middle of the night confused about where I was. But... overall slept amazingly. Even on a couch. Woke up around 6 and immediately ate a bagel. So worth it. Looked outside and it was a damn winter wonderland.

Watched some Netflix, ate a lot. Relaxed. A lot. It was well needed. Called both grandparents too! But ended up getting hella antsy. Althouh it was super tempting to stay another night... i really enjoy those ladies. It was like home. Checked in with Smokebeard and around 1 left. Tried to hitch but no dice. Got an uber and headed out! Moved real real quick. Had a lot of weird thoughts about this whole confidence thing. Being alone. Not being grateful enough. Being sad my parents will die one day. Just all the thingw. Caught up with the gang and we ended up doing 9 miles in 3 hours. Machines. It also looked like home today... very Washington.

Got to camp and set up tents and had dinner. The AT boys showed up and I'm mad that I care. I want to talk to happy feet more. Uggghhhh.

Had a lovely dinner but fuck its cold. So now we are all in our tents and staying warm.

Overcast Clouds, 40°F

720-728 Irving Way, Big Bear, CA 92314, USA

Day 19 Z E R O

I SLEPT. SO GOOD. Holy cats its magic. Woke up lazily around 6 and ate granola in bed and finished off my jar of peanut butter. We tried to watch the news but it ended up being sad. Lots of car crashes in LA. Laid in bed for a real long time and eventually went and was social with Eva, Una and Dylan. Ran into Twerk, Aliah, Lauren and Kelsey as well. Smokebeard wrote a blog post with me in it, very kind. He's good people.

Went back to the room and walked to the post office. Had a moment because my box wasn't there.. ugh. Walked to Big 5 with Nova and enjoyed chatting. I think all I'm feeling is so normal.. oy. Ended up running back and getting an Uber with Smokebeard and Dylan and got to Big Bear City post office and turns out BOTH MY BOXES WERE THERE. PRAISE BE. Saw so many hikers there... including Happy Feet and the AT boys. Got back to the room, assessed my food and got ready to check out. Reconnected with Swan, Zack and Kelly and then Ubered to the store alone. Felt weird at the time but Im glad I got it taken care of. Ate an asian salad with a block of tofu out of a bag. Felt right.

Got to the house with Lauren, Aliah and Kelsey and felt so much more at peace.

Tonight is spaghetti, wine and movies.

I'm antsy to get back on trail tomorrow... regardless of weather.

Overcast Clouds, 35°F

501-575 Bartlett Rd, Big Bear Lake, CA 92315, USA

Day 18 Mile 246.4 - 262

10% of the trail complete!

Woke up after a dream where I was raped by Marilyn Manson? Weird. Was a super cold night but ended up better than expected. Got up at 5 with the Fantastic Four (Scooch, Painter, Smokbeard and Fireball) and headed off early. It was such a lovely start to the morning. Music on. Shuffle was playing everything so well. Ran into a new face about two miles in and he was lovely. Then hiked with Dylan and Smokebeard for a while. We got 10 miles in by 10! Had a lovely picnic lunch even though Radio showed up and made things a little weird. Soy ramen with sriracha peanut butter was dope. Headed back out and the second batch of miles was a bit more tough. It was good company to keep my mind on other things and busy but damn. Especially the last 4 miles. I was so drained. Town needed to happen. I need rest! Luckily we got a quick hitch without much wait.

Got into town and felt aimless. Its like my internal monologue is voiceless. Ended up showering and calling the parents crying. Feeling low and sad because I can't ever decide what I want/need. Felt a bit better after that but found out I have nowhere to really go tomorrow so that sucks. Hoping something pans out. Ended up going to the brewery with Josie and some newer girls I didn't recognize, they were a bit more party girl and young than I'd usually hang with. But I started getting hella anxious at one point and started talking with Josie and she is so wise. Read me like a book. Noted how my confidence is so low even though it'd seem like I was confident. I shouldn't rely on others to tell me who I am or what I'm about. Should be more ok with the perfect person I already am. I don't need to be friendly or do things for others to be nice.

I sure hope I find myself in this journey. I hope it fixes my blank inner existence.

After leaving there I went over to the Fantastic Fours room with Nova and had a drink. Now I'm in a hotel bed super warm and cozy and it is so so so nice.

Clear Sky, 75°F

300 Zanjero Rd, Palm Springs, CA 92262, USA

Day 17 Mile 229.5 - 246.4

Cowboy camped again last night by the water and wow. Actually slept great, it was bright with the moon but it was lovely. Right by the water. Dreamy. Did have diarrhea though. Fun stuff. But then hiking out into the sunrise and it was breath taking. Tried to experience the landscape and feel in the moment.

Hiked with Smokebeard pretty much all day. Hes great hiking company. Got lost at one point. Was actually a tough hike.. seemed like it took all eternity. Got to the breaking point and almost wanted to cry.. but. Got to 11 miles in and made it to food and that helped. I ate two lunches. Had a long lunch and relax and went on with Smokebeard to the Coon Creek cabin. Its so busy in here. Like literally everyone is here escaping the cold.

I had a very emotional day... feeling lonely and weird and like. For the first time I considered maybe I cant do this. I want someone to want to be my trail bestie. I cried quietly while hiking today because it was tough. I WANT TO GET INTO THIS WHOLE GROWTH AND OK BEING ALONE BUT IM LONELY INSTEAD. It really sucks. I should be better with like... going on my own. Oy. Maybe in time. I feel at a weird place with my personality. Like... at a loss for words and such. It blows.

Day 16 Mile 211.4 - 229.0

Slept just OK. It ended up being quite a windy night but that's ok. Got up at 5 and was out of camp by 530 with Kelsey. Started off the morning in a slightly grump mood being paranoid and upset by the undue pressure of putting time constraints on myself. Partly due to the heat. But, alas. It was a nice cool morning.

Got through the wind farm with the sunrise. Had breakfast and climbed up a giant bullshit hill but it was also breath taking. It was amazing to see things on that scale.

Hiked alone for my first 10 miles and got to the river and praised the lord for its existence. It was so lovely to hop in and be in cold water. It recharged my feet for sure. Even tho I lost my cookie to it... oh well. Met a bunch of new faces. Saw Nova and took off.

Saw her about an hour later hiding under a tree and ended up pushing on to the next water source. It was so beautiful. A ridge walk in the middle of the day made better by wind. Got to the oasis and took a two hour break just relaxin. I closed my eyes for a bit, ate, washed my hair and feet off in the water. Read. Great existence. Once we peeled off from here it was another 3 mile push to what we thought was camp but we ended up makin it to 229.5 and camped with Smoke Beard. Hopefully cowboy camping pt 2 goes well. Had one of my best dinners on trail so far too. Roasted garlic pine nuts with avacado, olive oil and salt and pepper. Perfection.

Clear Sky, 65°F

Day 15 Mile 190.5 - 211.4

Woke up bright and early at 4 and hiked out at 4:30. It was super dope to hike out at night and see Palm Springs and Cabazon from above all lit up. We stopped and watched the sunrise and ate breakfast and it was lovely. Hiked with Zack most of the morning and he is great. A funny funny guy. Met up with Nova and Collin later on. Got the first 15 miles in by 12 which was insane. We have such a great crew rn. I really really dig it.

The decent really wasn't as bad as people made it out to be. It also was N B D with the bees? Its crazy how hot it gets by 9am.

Took a long break after a frustrating attempt to find shade and realized I am hungry and have no food.

We took the long drag down to the overpass and chilled there to wait for Kelsey so we could hitch to Cabazon and get In-N-Out and resupply. Amazing how you can Uber that ride, lol. Went with Josie and it was lovely.

Ended up being fueled by God knows what and hiked another mile.

Hit 200 miles and our first 20 mile day what the H O O T! Its so cool to look back and see where we were just yesterday. Amazing.

Now to attempt cowboy camping with Kelsey. Slug life!

Day 14 Idyllwild - Mt. San Jacinto - mile 190.5

Started the day by waking up confused by the bright world. We were getting a shuttle to the trail head at 8:15 so I had a leisurely start.

We all got to the Inn and a nice man in a truck gave me, Conga (formerly Rocket Man), Nova, Steph, Skinny Dip, Ethan, Zack and Eugene a ride. Zack is a funny dude, has q similar sence of humor its great. It was a long 2.5 mile climb up devil's slide. Another 1.8 to meet the PCT and another 3.7 to the summit. It was a good time hiking with Eugene. He has an amazing personality! And he is an oncologist! This trail is such a beautiful equalizer.

Once we were 3.7 miles away I put on Say Anything and bolted. Hidden energy just came out of me. AND I WASNT BOTHERED BY THE ELEVATION!!!!!!!

SO. Got to the final branch off with 0.3 to the summit and saw Smokebeard! Chatted with him and my people arrived! Went to the summit, saw the beautiful sight. Facetimed parents! It was lovely. We came back down and ate lunch. Saw Eva and painter! We then started the decent... it was tough. A nice 4 mile trail back to the pct. Then another 5 to camp.

Went through some weird campground area and zoomed down to the junction of the pct. Headed to water and had a peaceful filter party. Saw Scoop!! And Kelly!

Started down and down and down and then I fell. Which thank god, again, it didn't do leg or foot damage but my arm got fucked. Was stubborn and kept walking like an idiot. Stopped and started crying because we still had 4 miles to go and this was too much. Thankfully Skinny Dip rounded the corner and was a God send. Helped me treat and dress the wound and comfort me. Stayed with me and we hiked out with Collin too who also has training.

So we trucked on and it took FOREVER. Seriously. But eventually made it to camp. Set up my tent. Ate a delicious curry and had Eugene, the actual DR, redress an treat my arm. He is one of my favorites.

Overall amazing day. Physically, mentally.. trail friend wise. All of it. Now I get to sleep with my belly full of curry.

Clear Sky, 58°F

25699 CA-243, Idyllwild, CA 92549, USA

Day 13 Z E R O!

Woke up and had oatmeal with the dear Kelsey. Had breakfast and went out to town and walked around. Hit up the post office, a coffee shop, grocery stores and gear store. Chatted a bunch and enjoyed the company of the dear. <3

Went back, organized food. Hung. Met up with others. Had a great time with the group doing a group strech! It was lovely. Went to the vegan joint and had a tempeh sandwich and got a wrap and cheezecake to go. SO GOOD. Spent so much money but was worth it.

Got to sign up for the trolly to trail tomorrow and met up with Nova. Went to a chocolate shop. Choice.

Been at camp ever since. Lounging, eating and socializing. It's lovely but weird to not be hiking. Im antsy to move my body. A bit nervous about tomorrow but.. that's alright. Itll be dope.

Clear Sky, 99°F

25699 CA-243, Idyllwild, CA 92549, USA

Day 12 Mile 145.4 - Idyllwild

Woke up with the sun and got to hike into a beautiful sunrise. Saw a lot of beetles with their butts up collecting water. So cute. And also almost swallowed a fly. Ugh. Hoofed it with no breaks the 7 miles to Paradise Cafe. Had a veggie burger with hashbrowns, a salad and toast. So delish. Ended up hanging there with Twerk and Acid Jesus for a while until eventually Rocket Man showed up.

Magically waiting there was awesome. Slowly but surely people we hadn't seen in a while were just trickling in. Saw all the people. Ended up having to decide on hitching up to idyllwild or hiking the fire closure and it was yet again that hard choice.. my heart wanted the rest. But I also wanted to keep hiking. But I know myself and I'm going to value being with my peeps more than missing 15 miles alone. I want to ease into it.

I wish it was easier for me to clear these thoughts out on my own. A zero will be good for my soul.

Got into town and set up camp. Got a shower and did laundry with Kelsey. Had a bonding moment with her. I want to keep hiking with her. She is so well spoken, out spoken and overall dope. I should learn a thing or teo from her. Hooked up with everyone else at a Mexican place, then headed back to camp. Drank wine and made dinner and it was lovely. Met Evan and Kelly and hope we can add them to our bubble. We eventually meshed with the other group of hikers and it quickly became too much. People pealed off and I couldn't find my peeps and got super anxious. One dude was overly drunk and needed to N O T. The dude started a fire. So I anxiously texted Nova and Twerk and finally escaped and met with them.

I HOPE THE DAY COMES WHERE I AM WANTED AND INVITED BUT ALSO STOP CARING OR TRYING SO HARD. I want to make some personal progress on this trip, damnit.

Tomorrow should be a lovely day. Heres to dope vegan food.

Day 10 Mile 109.5-126.9

I may stop drinking beer on trail because that was the most anxious I've felt on trail thus far. Phew.

But overall slept alright and woke up around 530 out of camp by 6. Cruised through the first 5 miles and took a nice shady break by a stream and addressed some blisters.

Kept on trucking and got water and headed on. Its fucking hot and its apparently only 71. I cannot hike between 10-4. Such a long pause but shit. Its too hot. However. It is quite beautiful out here. You'd never know it was the darn desert.

Saw my first rattlesnake and holy fuck, man. Wow. That's a sound that'll jar ya.

Ended up hiking my first 10 miles alone for the most part and felt really weird. Felt overly lonely and hot and just wanted my friends to join up. I had service and ended up being overly sad and called my parents and cried. Todays first half was rough. Saw snake, couldn't find shade, was tired and hot. Sat in an anthill and lost it. Calling them helped though.. I am so lucky. So then I sat down for a bit and waited it out and suddenly Nova turned the corner and I cried more. Praise be. So we trucked it out and pumped the 18 miles to Mikes place. Oh!!! And we named Collin Rocket Man! But we got vega pizza from this place. Amazing. Met a cuuuute vegan boy. Happy feet. Gave him a pb cup. Hope that's worth it.

Gonna try and wake up earlier tomorrow with Twerk.

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