WTF Fanfic

Fanfic ta satisfy yo' diprotodon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Don't say our phat asses didn't warn yo thugged-out ass.

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um

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what is this "we" you speak of WHEN HAVE YOU GUYS EVER WRITTEN SOMETHING ON HERE

(apart from the "write a fanfic she said / eat chocolate icecream I said")

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UPDATE - Something whovian will occur soon.

Soony soon.

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lel u guyz

heheheheeh 69

(geddit cause sausages look like beanbags)

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OH U

Fringecafe? More like bang bar amirite

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THIS WILL BE A THING THAT HAPPENS

TOMORROW

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So who wants an Easter special of wtffanfic?

Been thinking of doing something Whovian, considering the return of the series just a few hours ago. Smilbo will be coming shortly, unless it is requested earlier. 

Suggestions?

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yourfugitiveass answered your question:So who’s up for some Smilbo?

BUT YOU DONT EVEN SHIP JOHNLOCK

I do to an extent, but I just ship adlock a gazillion times more.

tbh I kind of ship cumberbatch with everyone because DAYUM. 

imagine tom hiddleston and benedict cumberbatch their low dulcet tones would cause a sonic boom or something

nighttimesnowfall answered your question:So who’s up for some Smilbo?

this is my fault right?

yes

[wtffanfic]

So who's up for some Smilbo?

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I see?

i am a small fish. i am a big fish. i am a large tree. i am a small sea. don't you see, by the sea, what i see, to be seen? Alas no. i see still. i see. i am a minute mite. am i? i might. what do you see? see what i see? by the sea? Alas no.

i see still. i see sea. i sea. i bee. i eh? what did you say? i say pardon? do you see what i see? by the sea? Alas no. you see green. i see blue. you see yellow. i see marroone. do you see? what do i see? you see that? i see? Alas no.

can i see? i am seen. can you see? i don't know. i am a time. wait for it - go. i see you. you not see i. i see you cant dont. i dont know. i write this. i see sea. i see bees. i am small. i am a chair. i do not know. am i correct? do you see as you do? murmur am i? am i murmur? am i no more? do i see none? can i see? do you see? Alas no.

i am not you. you are not me. sea. i am a small eye. you are a small eye. do i see yes? do i see no? am i yes no? am i no yes? can i see you? can you see you? am i see? Alas no.

i am a small fish. i am a big fish. i am a large tree. i am a small sea. are you? am i? are we? Alas no.

are we see. ah, i yes. what what. i cannot no. i cannot yes. i can only sea. fishies whales sea. sky sea no. water sea yes. air water earth. can you see? i see air. i see water. i see earth. i see no. i see yes. i am dream i am sea. cant you see? as i see? is this good? is this bad? is this fun? is this other? do i know? Alas no.

light i see. dark i sea. dark is sea. light is see. pardon me. is this right? is this done? is this the last one? i see? you see? we see? can sea? sea see? see? sea? end? Alas yes. 

[nighttimesnowfall]

Liveblog: Wtffanfic, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE

Read More

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ily Marina <3

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Haylord

The rumours of her pregnancy were spreading like wildfire and they couldn't be stopped. Everywhere newspapers were printing "TAYLOR PREGNANT!!!!!!!" and "DEFINITELY PREGGERS", as paparazzi followed her and her boyfriend everywhere they went. There was no escape from the press, who demanded the truth from the rumours.

Harry was equally disheartened by the situation - to be a father at only 18? It was too much to handle, there was so much pussy left in the world for him to tackle. After all, it was his favourite thing. After finding out about his girlfriend's pregnancy, he would dive into the sea and sacrifice 2 strands of his luscious curls to the lord of the sea, in hopes that the baby would not be his.

The thing the couple feared the most, however, was the baby itself. You see, one does not simply have an ordinary baby from two supremely famous stars of the modern world. No - he would be indescribably, unquestionably, inevitably, and somewhat indeterminably pencil sharpener.

One must also take into account the fact that Harry is indeed a homosexual mermaid with inherited divine powers of the sex flower (his father), as well as the fact that Taytay regularly wears the blood of diseased children on her lips and has her eyes professionally altered to make her appear less stupid (eyes are a dead-giveaway of one's stupidity, see.). These subhuman qualities of the pair simply increase this terminological inexactitude of their baby.

~~~~

Months later, 8 to be precise, a baby popped out of Taylor's ear while she was sleeping. He had blonde curls, bright red & plump lips, tiny eyes and a furrowed brow. Upon contact, however, the infant would transform into a mermaid instantly. 

It was a disaster. Everyone knew she was pregnant, and now, due to its mermaid qualities, they were certain that Harry was the father. But due to its condition, they had to pretend that the baby had died at birth, which, essentially it did, for it never had a heartbeat. (Its lack of heartbeat was most likely due to Taylor's zombie ethnicity)

Harry decided that the best course of events for the baby would be to release it into the sea to join the mermaids. He was clearly too mermaid to function, and Harry even recalled a zombie-mermaid clan within the mermaid community. Taylor did not wish to see the baby off, but later decided it was for the best, and so the pair sent him on his way.

~~~~

Due to the stress of the baby, Harry and Taylor broke up. (oh no what a pity) Harry was finally free to explore the pussy of the world, and Taylor to learn how to lie.

Their baby grew up to be Haylord, lord of the sea.

[xoxoladyloki-blog-deactivated20]

[nighttimesnowfall]

“Sherlock?” peeped a hedgehog on the sacrificial slab next to him.

John’s too cute for me obviously.

“No problem,” Sherlock assured, almost seductively.

“Please Watson, there is no time for your blatant sarcasm - this is a matter of national, no, sorry, inter-dimensional...

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you're welcome ;)

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Furlock

"Sherlock?" peeped a hedgehog on the sacrificial slab next to him. Sherlock took a moment to respond, as he had to correctly file away his M&M thoughts for safe keeping - it was serious issue and they needed to be saved properly so he could visit them at a later date. 

"Yessssss?" he responded with evident remorse. 

"Thank you for finding the time to finally listen to what I have to say!" cried John.

"No problem," Sherlock assured, almost seductively.

"Have you worked out what the heck is going on yet?"

"Well, yes, haven't you?"

"Hmm, let me see, we're lying on a sacrificial stone slab in the middle of the night, staring up into a pitch black sky with no stars, with very strange clicking noises emanating from below - its so obvious, I'm dead!"

"Please Watson, there is no time for your blatant sarcasm - this is a matter of national, no, sorry, inter-dimensional security."

"...What is?"

"The Furby apocalypse."

"Oh yes of course the fur---THE FURBY APOCALYPSE?! Have you gone mental?!"

"Well can you think of any other reasonable explanation?"

"Obviously not, but I'm sure there is one, and you're just not clever enough to figure it out!"

The bickering was interrupted from a frightfully shrill clicking noise from below. Silence followed. The pair anxiously awaited the sound to occur again.

Suddenly a bright light shone directly into their eyes, temporarily blinding them. As their sight began to recover, they could see the outline of large, brightly coloured blobs, bristling around, clicking and chirruping. Slowly their outline became clearer, and it became evident that they were in fact carrots. 

After a moment of stunned silence, John uttered with great pompousness, "I told you so."

Unfortunately John's witty remark was heard by the mutant carrots and the llama was promptly eaten, followed by the lemur, lamb, legume and hedgehog. John was gone.

"Now before you eat me, I'll have you know that I am actually entirely aware of your real identities, and therefore you should be aware of mine. I know that you are in fact Furbys for I am also one. You see I am Captain Samuel Dean Castiel of the Furbacular Earth Probe Expedition Unit, in an initial attempt to infiltrate these earthlings. Since them I have undergone a number of physical changes, such as looking less like a fucking scary fuckwit and more like a human (albeit resembling an otter, however I do not see how this is a disadvantage), and stunned the human race with my intellect. Since then I have gathered much information of human life, and have come extremely close to acquiring their central power source, of which I am positive you are searching for. I know of its location and was on my journey to retrieve it, when myself and Mr Watson were rudely interrupted by your impatience, in which you believed it to be necessary to stage a Furby Apocalypse right at that moment, without warning your counterparts of the Furbacular Earth Probe Expedition Unit of your plans. So it is with my great pleasure that I announce you to be the winner of the Miss United States Pageant!"

There was no reaction from the carrots as they lay on the countertop, evidently confused by what they had just heard.

Sherlock was extremely confronted by their lack of recognition to his attempts of reconciliation, so he began to sing, then to bellow, "She's beauty and she's grace, she's mISS UNITED STAAAATESSS, OF ELEGANCE AND GRACE, SHE'S MISS UNITED STATES, AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH, OOOOOAAAAAAHHH" and began waltzing in time with the music in his head.

Queen Furby stroked his chin as he gazed at the television before him, contemplating the colour ratios of a standard packet of M&Ms. Upon recollection, he remembered that there were far more of some colours than others, for example more blues and yellows than reds and greens. However, how would they measure the average? How many packets would have to be sorted through? How many people would be needed to count these, to ensure accuracy? And most importantly, how accurate could these tests be, considering how tiny, tempting and delicious they were.

But now was not the time for such contemplations. He turned off the television set and the documentary it played, and went back to the bedroom where King Holmes and King Harry of the Murrrmaids were awaiting his mechanical bod and eyes of terror. As he entered the room he heard Harry cry "OH NO NOT AGAIN" as he transferred into a mermaid once more. "I TOLD YOU TO BE CAREFUL SHER, NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" he wailed through his sobs. 

Queen Furby whispered powerfully and consolingly to the pair, "Hush my friends, the games are about to begin. May the odds be ever in your favour."

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Aaand this is exactly how wtffanfic is written.

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The mystery on the cruise ship - by a year 6 me

  “Hi, you must be Minka, nice to meet you. Which bed is mine?” the baby says. He turns to the cot. “I am so glad I brought a blow up cot. Do you have a screwdriver so I can disassemble this-this…thing in the way?” “Uh…no - but can I ask, who are you?” I ask. “Freddy McTurtle – Geez! I am busting!” He races into the bathroom. The front door opens again, but this time a girl just a little older than myself, enters. “Aww! Why can I have THAT bed? Just kidding! I am Diamonds, Krystal. Are you Freddy or Minka? You must be Minka! Where’s Freddy?” I was about to answer, but I didn’t need to. The toilet flushed and out came Freddy. “GET BACK IN THERE AND WASH THOSE HANDS!!” shouted Krystal. My bottom jaw fell, my mouth gaped and my eyes almost popped out of my head. She turned to me, “What? He’s supposed to wash his hands.”

  Within 2 hours together, all of us had gotten to know each other quite well. Suddenly, we all jumped. Well, all except for Krystal. She seemed too alert. It was the dinner bell. We headed down to the dining hall. Tonight was buffet night. They had stacks of food, and you could take whatever you liked. It was delicious. At the end of dinner we went up to the deck. While Freddy sun backed, Krystal and I went swimming. We were swimming for about 3 hours, and we played water polo with the other kids. Finally, after Krystal and I decided that our finders were as wrinkly as an old man’s veiny hand, we got out of the pool. We picked up our towels and headed to the show. Just as we unlocked the gate of the pool area, we looked at each other and shouted, “FREDDY!” we turned around and scanned the pool area, Freddy was nowhere in sight. We asked the other kids if they had seen him, but we were too busy playing water polo. We thought he might have hidden in the cabin, or just gone to bed. So we went up to the cabin.

  At the cabin, the door was wide open. There was a big shoe print on the door. It must have been kicked open. “Freddy? Are you in here? Freddy?” I said in the cabin. Krystal suddenly popped her hand over my mouth and whispered in my ear, “Don’t say anything! The kidnapper could be in here! I said back, “KIDNAPPER? What makes you think that?” She whacked me on the shoulder and slammed the door shut. She seemed stressed, but she spoke calmly, “There’s something you should know about me. I am a…a…” She struggled to get the word out, “spy. Stick with me and we’ll be safe,” Once again, my bottom jaw wouldn’t close.

  Thinking about what we could do, what happened to Freddy, and why, made me feel like a detective. I stopped thinking and looked at Krystal. She was thinking too. She stood up and wen to her suitcase where she pulled out a small bag. She opened it and it turned out to be a laptop. She pressed ‘Alt+Shift+L+S’ and a Laser Screeen shone upwards. She passed me some glasses, so my eyes wouldn’t get damaged. She typed in ‘Freddy McTurtle’ it came up with ‘McTurtle family, Steve, Lorrainne and son, Timmy-Lee, (born with a spoon in his mouth) are all murdered by Bob Stanley, serial killer, with a wife, Minnie, and son Bruce. A family who suddenly lost all their money, and Bob Stanley was a killer and massive robber. The McTurtle family leave their 3 month old son behind with carers. Where is Bob now? Hell. His wife? Re-married to Mr Pumpernickle. Son? Traveller. Rich Traveller.” We both nearly faint. Now she types in, “P&O cruise, 5th January 2007 passenger list.” It says it is restricted access. She sighs and types in, “CIAstopCODENAMEstopFISHstopMISCREANTstopACCESSstopALLOW” The page opens. On the long list of passengers, she finds the name BRUCE STANLEY. We both almost faint, again. I let out a big yawn. “We’d better get some sleep, and we’ll continue in the morning. Lets hope it wont be too late though.” says Krystal.

  The next morning we headed back to the scene of the crime. We found a few suspicious strands of wool and a few strands of blonde hair. We went back to the cabin and picked bits of the black shoe print and placed them onto microscope slides. We analysed our evidence in the laser computer and found that the black bits of shoeprint were in fact gravel, which could be found in the sauna, so that was no real use except for the shoe size. But we’d get to that  later. The blonde hairs had a 50% match to someone on the criminal database – Bob Stanley, and there was another match too: Minnie MacDombiconsqa. Probably Minnie, Bob’s wife. “We have a suspect!” I shouted. Krystal whacked me on the shoulder. “I whacked you because you just gave away that we were investigating! The kidnapper could have walked by just then and come in and shot us! And-” I cut her off, “but he didn’t!” I shout. Then she shouts back, “ First of all, how do you know it’s a he? Second, he’s been our prime and only suspect since we looked him up on the database!” We suddenly stopped talking. We looked at each other, the cracked up. We got back to the analysing. The wool was from a potato sack. We supposed that’s how he kidnapped Freddy. We went to the door to analyse the size of the footprint, but it had been washed off! The cleaner strolled around the corner quickly. “I always hated cleaners.” I said. We went back to the pool to look for more evidence.

  We looked for ages, but it had been washed away. We saw the cleaner scuttle off. Just then as he rounded the corner I said to Krystal, “Did you see that? There was a potato bag in the cleaner’s trolley, and the cleaner was unusually short with blonde hair sticking out of the hat!” This time neither of our bottom jaws would close.

  After a moment of realizing within a millisecond, we looked at each other, nodded, and started running. We swerved around the corner, I almost fell over. “We lost him!” I sighed. “Not quite yet…” said Krystal, and followed a liquid that had been leaking from the trolley. The kept following, quickly and quietly. At last the liquid stopped and lead to a cleaning cupboard. Krystal tried to turn the knob, without being noticed. “Locked!” she whispered. I whispered back, “Wait-” and grabbed a bobby pin from my hair. I started to pick the lock with it. There was a click. The door swung open wide and I could see him, squatting down at a door-in-the-floor. As soon as he saw us he went pale. He tried to run and push through us but Krystal grabbed him. I raced toward the door-in-the-floor. The padlock holding it shut was locked. Padlocks were my weakness when it came to opening locks. I stood up and looked Bruce Stanley right in the eye and said, “Gimme the keys, or I’ll make you.” He grins. “Oh, I am so scared!” I take a glove from my pocket that Krystal gave me, which has very sharp studs on the knuckles. I start to put them on. I say, “Big mistake to mess with a black-belt.” And punch him in the stomach. He whimpers and reaches for the key. He hands it to me. I smile and unlock the padlock. The door-in-the-floor opens. I gasp.

  The door-in-the-floor leads to a long tunnel. I look closely at the tunnel, and realize it was painted on. I take a step to the left. The floorboard creaks. I start peeling it open. Its dark. I call for a torch. Krystal chucks one down the door-in-the-floor. I look in and I see a potato sack. I heave it up. I heave it up higher so I can get out of the door-in-the-floor. Krystal gasps. I quickly take out the thing in the potato bag: it is Freddy, whimpering.

  Krystal and I made Freddy feel much better, and delete that chapter in time from his memory. We continue our cruise. As for Bruce, he can see his dad now…in hell.