#;dear hal

[gravesnguns-archive]

To Hal; #6

Dear Hal,

  It's been.. Ten years since you left.. 8 since my last letter. I'm still sick. I'm still dying. Not as bad, but.. It comes and goes. Still look like a zombie. I bet you'd be like, 'you look like shit.' I don't know. It's been ten fucking years. You've probably matured now. Grown up. So have I. Got a beard now. Jasper says it tickles sometimes, but he likes it. I'm growing it out to braid it in a viking style. The students call me the Viking Dean.

  I started my school a few years ago. It was a rough start. But, with all the changes in the world. People are adapting to the times I guess. More non-humans with humans. It's really nice. There's been several attempts on my life already.. Jasper worries. Ara does too. Everyone does. But, You can't kill the dead. People have attacked the school. It's always a dumb move considering the talents we have at our school. The teachers alone protect it well. Evelyn keeps her distance, keeps me at arms length at all times. We're no longer on the same side, but we fight the same fights. I'm sure she's waiting to put a bullet in me.. That'll never happen though.

  Right.. I uh.. I've been sober for a long time now. People are proud. I don't even drink Root Beer, not that I ever did. But, ya know. I avoid it. Everythings getting better. Yet, there's this hole. This void every single time I think it's all fitting. There's a piece missing. A broken piece to my life. It took me so long to realise what it was. To realise who it was. It's you. You're the missing piece of my life. I miss you. I miss you so much now. I wish you were here. I wonder if you heard about anything I've done. Maybe not. I don't go by Erin Rodgers anymore. Jassy and I agreed that using his last name was for the best. Callisto. Erin Callisto. Sounds nice, doesn't it.. I think so.

  I wonder if you've looked for me. If you tried to find me too.. Probably not. You don't need me in your life. Not like I need you, Hal. I've always needed you. But, I know you deserve so much better. I know. I hope you got it too. I still pray that we'll meet. So I can introduce you to Ara, and show you the school. Just to see you before I no longer have a chance. I hope we can meet again, Hal. I hope I can see you smile. I hope I can make you smile.

  I miss you.   I hope you'll forgive me one day.

Come home soon, Erin Callisto

P.S. Sorry these are so short.. I just keep hoping you'll come home so I can tell you things in person. Still keep this in my pocket.  

[gravesnguns-archive]

To Hal; #5

Dear Hal, 

  My last letter was about a year ago. Bad place to stop writing.. I know.. I was in the hospital for about a month. A special one, for mutants and non-humans. They treated it as a serious case of TB and gave me meds.. I've been on them since. They say it's not getting any better, but it's not getting any worse, thankfully. I have a heart condition now as well. Oh and, my liver was failing so I had to get a transplant. That was so much fun. Really. The nurses were pretty smoking, not gonna lie.

  But I.. I'm actually spending a lot of time with Jasper because ya know. He broke down my door and took me to the hospital. I guess finding someone laying in their own blood kinda makes you do that. He's a sweetheart.. Kinda getting a crush on him. But I'm kinda weary because the whole.. TB thing. But, I don't think it's TB.. I think I really was dying. I still am. I'm still sick. The meds are just keeping me going, I guess. Work is pretty hard now. I wear a mask at all times because of it.

  I bet you would have cried.. I bet you would have let rip on my mom for all this, right? Slapped her. Who knows. I wish you had been there. Jasper was so nervous and worried. Asher or Kai were always with him. Kal feels a little odd after everything, but he visited with mom once. I guess everythings going to get back to normal. I don't know. A year's a long time. God.. It's been.. Two and half years? Right? I wonder what you're doing. I bet you're kicking someones ass and taking names.. I just hope you're happy. I hope you're happy, Hal.

  I want you to be happy without me. Maybe it's time to move on.. To move on with my life. You know? Maybe get into what I really want to do now. Start my school, make the world a better place. I once wrote that a demi-god can't change the world. But maybe a dying man can while he still has time left. I hope you see it all too, Hal. I hope you'll be proud of me.. Of everything I've done. Of how much I've grown. I really do.

I miss you, Erin.

P.s. I dreamed of you last night.. You looked older.. But you're still a dork.

[gravesnguns-archive]

To Hal; #4

[The words all look rushed and shakily written. Blood stains the paper in a splattered pattern.] Dear Hal,

  I can't stop shaking. I can't breathe. I feel so weak. Everythings so fuzzy, Hal. I wish you were here. I wish you could take care of me. I'm so sick. I can't stop coughing.. I haven't eaten in days. Nothing stays down. My body's on fire. I think I'm dying. I swear I'm dying again. My body.. I.. Hal..

  Sleep is almost impossible now. I wish I could sleep. I wanna dream. I wanna see you smile again. It's.. It's been a year and a half.. Maybe since you've left. I don't know. I can't tell. I don't know what day it is. People say this is withdrawals but withdrawals don't make you cough up blood. You'd think I got shot..

  But no. No. I'm dying. I'm a ghost. I'm a fucking zombie and I.. I have nothing. I told you I moved out, right? Right.. Mom.. Mom told me how she didn't want the ghost of her son haunting her. Guess that's why she barely spent a damn day with me. Guess she.. She never wanted me back.. I'm so alone, Hal. I'm so alone. Everyone keeps trying to come see me, but I'm so sick they won't stay long. They bring me food, and tell me they hope I get better. But I'm not.

  I'm not getting better.

  I'm dying. All over again. I can feel it...

I'm so sorry.. I'm so sorry, Hal..

[The letter ends with the beginning of an E before turning into a shakily line as if the writer fell.]

[gravesnguns-archive]

To Hal; #3

Dear Hal,

  It's been a year since you left. Yeah, I'm keeping track. I can't find you. I stopped looking for awhile to focus on work and school. My thoughts wander to you, to what your doing.. Maybe you're still a vigilante seeking justice. Maybe you've moved on with your life and forgot about me. Sometimes I draw your face on sheets of paper.. Sometimes I dream of you coming back. Or finding you finally.. I think about our good times a lot more than the bad. I've been sober for almost a year now, so.. I don't really like thinking about what I fucked up in your life. But, I still remember it.

   Days move slow now. There's no rush of being shot at. I keep my job strictly with training newbies and sales at Graves. Ara still gets training. Good kid, still no leads on her dad. But we'll get there. Mom hired three new guys I believe. Keahi, Rez, and Tristan. Cool guys. Keahi's fucking terrifying though. Jesus fucking christ the guy looks like he'll eat you, but then he's really fucking sweet. Him and his brother are great. You'd like them..

   I worry about you.. Sometimes I worry if you died, and you're gone forever. Sometimes I trace my burns and wonder if you burned a hole in the world before you died. But then I feel you. I feel them pulse like a heartbeat.. And I just know. I just know you're still out there. Somewhere.. And one day, Hal, one day we'll meet.. And I'll beg for forgiveness.

   I pray to the gods that I meet you again.. I pray every morning, every night, that you'll come home.. And I'll drop to my knees and beg for you to stay.

  I don't want this anymore.

  I want my best friend.

Please, Erin

[gravesnguns-archive]

To Hal; #2

Dear Hal, 

    It's my birthday now.. I completed the program last week. You would have been happy. I cant believe I haven't found you yet.. Jeez. I miss you still. I uh.. I moved out a while back. Personal reasons. Mainly mom drinking so much. Hard to be sober when you see all that alcohol. I guess she's pretty adjusted. She and Kaleo worked things out, which is nice. Makes her happy. Uncle Sadron and Devi are getting married.. They let me come over still.

   Life's been rough. This whole sober thing took a lot out of me. They acted like it was so easy to get over the sickness and shakes. The insomnia that hits when you're itching. The way your body burns for alcohol. I didn't realise I was so fucked up.. But.. I do now. My life is on track. School is almost over. I have a semester left. Got a job outside of Graves. Full time too. I'm actually excited about having a job... Three hundred dollars a month covers rent, which is nice. But, the pay check from graves keeps my loans good..

   I sound so dumb talking like this.So dumb. So distant. This is still so shitty. Why can't you just.. run into me. I keep this letter in my pocket all the time. It's so worn but I keep it in the best condition. Some guy stole it thinking it was cash. I kinda uh.. Decked him out. I was mad. So I keep it close now. Inner jacket pocket if I can. Sometimes I get really frantic and want to re-read it because I think it's bad but it's not. Is it? Maybe.. I can't tell. I wouldn't know. 

  I wish you were here.. I wish I could see your dorky smile. Or here you laugh.. I wish I could find you.. I wish for so much, but even a demi-god can't change the world.. Can I?

  Come back, Hal.. Come back.. Let me find you.. Please. I need you so much. I can't do this alone. It's my birthday and I'm locked in my bedroom, crying over this bullshit. Jasper and the guys are trying to get me to come out. But I don't want to. I want to be with you. Whereever you are.. It's so much better than here.

Come home, Erin  

                                                     [Blood stains the corner of the paper.]

[gravesnguns-archive]

To Hal; #1

Dear Hal,

   It's June 17th, 2014. Probably.. Three am as I write this. You'd probably scold me for staying up so late. Right? Right.  Okay,so.. How do I do this? I guess I should tell you some things now.        After you left, I joined AA.. Funny for a son of a Norse god to start seeking forgiveness from a human one hm? I don't. They let me be, as much as they judge me, I get over it. But.. I'm on Step 9 now. "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." You're the last one I guess. Which sucks. But I don't have the balls to just walk to your house..     The fuck am I saying I don't even know where you live anymore, Hal. You fucking vanished. You just left and that was it? Fuck.. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I fucked up so much. All because of fucking alcohol. It's ruined my life, Hal. I mean absolutely. Ruined it. And.. Here I am at three am, writing to my best friend because I don't know where she is to fucking talk to her in person. This is fucked, you know that right? Goddamnit, Hal. Alright.. Anyways.

   I'm writing this because I want to you to forgive me for all the wrong I've done to you. For all the hurt I've caused you. I want you to forgive me. I want you to know that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything I've done to hurt you. I know you have the right to not forgive me. But Hal.. I want you back in my life. I looked for you. I scryed for you. I've done so much for you. But, I can't find you because you don't want to be found. So..     Here I am. 3am. Writing to a woman who wants nothing to do with me. I should have stopped you. I should have held you when you kissed me. I should have let your lips sear the flesh from my bones.. I should have stopped you from walking out that fucking door. Fuck. I have a scar from your kiss, you know. People ask about it. I tell them it's just a weird burn from an accident. Cause that's what that was.     You leaving was an accident. A mistake. And I regret it. I regret picking up the bottle. I regret making you cry. But I don't regret knowing you. I could have watched you grow up over and over. I could have lived a million lives with you. I could have my heart broken over and over as I watched you age.. But it was so worth it, Hal. To have someone who loved me like you did. Like I love you. Right.. I love you. You know that, right? How I fell for those stupid punches and that stupid face.. You dork.    Hal.. [tear marks stain the paper.]    Prey for me.     I owe you an apology.    I can only hope we can make amends, Hal.

              Forgive me,                Erin [There's a large black rectangle over his last name.]