Chasing
Warnings: None
~*~
It’s quiet in the room, no hum, no buzz. Much too quiet for a music studio that should be filled with sound and song. It’s been like that for months. Quiet. It’s tidy, clean. The room almost feels like it was abandoned, eerily empty, if it weren’t for the dark haired young man sitting in front of the silent piano. But he too is quiet and still. He doesn’t move, sitting straight, hands folded in his lap, staring blankly ahead. He’s been sitting and staring for a long time, hours maybe. He’s looking down at the neat piano keys, but he doesn’t see them. He doesn’t see anything, caught inside his own head.
It’s been like that for days, weeks, months. But it’s worse today.
Atop the piano lies a sheet of paper, inconspicuous and yet out of place. Sheet music is what one would expect to find on top of a piano, but the paper is covered in small letters with an officially looking logo in the right corner. It’s an important document. At least it could be. Or it could not.
The young man finally moves. He raises a hand and places it gently on the white keys. It’s the kind of mellow motion one would expect from a pianist. The movement follows sound. A high noted lonely ‘Ping’ that’s too loud for the quiet. Then a second and a third. Then it dies. The slack hand falls back onto it’s owner’s leg.
Youngjae sighs, his shoulders sag. They feel stiff and he stretches wide and heavily, as if he hadn’t just wasted another day of his life. Then he carefully places the cover back down over the keys and rises to his feet. He stares down at the paper, shakes his head to himself and turns away. But just as he is about to take his first step towards the door, he quickly turns back and snatches the sheet off the piano, taking it with him when he leaves.
He keeps the papers by his side. While he cooks and has dinner, while he does the dishes and vacuums the dog hair from the sofa and while he watches Coco immediately jump up and spread her white fuzz all over the cushions again. From time to time he eyes the document, but each and every time he pulls his gaze away and tells himself to focus.
Still, it’s right there on top of the coffee table when Youngjae snuggles into his comfort blanket on the sofa, Coco on his chest and his favorite Drama playing on the screen. His time is running out, he knows that. He only has so many days before he will have to face reality, harsh and unapologetic. He hadn’t spent much time dwelling on what would happen. He’d played with the idea, entertained the thought, but he never thought it through to the end.
The universe is not playing in his favor today. When the drama goes into a commercial break and Youngjae just returns from the kitchen with a snack, he witnesses an ad crossing over the screen, underlined by a soft music piece. Just the tune alone speaks of longing, fantasy and a beautiful future. Youngjae heard this song many times and he loves it and hates it just the same. An artistically drawn cartoon plays, a sleeping piglet over whose head sits a dream bubble filled with colors and rainbows. The piglet opens its eyes and stands up on the bed, reaching its tiny arms up and catching the bubble in mid air. Then it pulls itself up and climbs inside.
Even 10 seconds later Youngjae can’t tell what the commercial was for, all that’s burned into his mind is the sentence showing up on the screen. “Chase your dreams.”
Youngjae walks over to the coffee table, grabs the stack of papers and throws them all into the paper bin.
“Morning Sunshine.” Youngjae is greeted right as he presses the elevator button. He doesn’t need to turn around to know who it is, but he does anyways. He plasters a happy smile on his face before he does and greets back. “Good morning, Hyung.” Jaebum pats his shoulder when he approaches and plants himself along before the elevator doors. For some reason Youngjae clutches his bag a little closer to his body. It’s stupid, but he feels like he’s carrying a big secret that is about to spill. In the morning, right after he climbed out of bed, sleep-ridden and in his pajamas, he walked back to the bin and fished the papers out. He couldn’t bear leaving to work without them.
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Jaebum notices with a curious glance and Youngjae shrugs, not in the mood to tell him wrong. The elevator arrives with a ‘pling’ and they get on, just them two. Youngjae likes being around Jaebum, but being alone with him, in such an enclosed space nonetheless makes him nervous. The female staff blush and giggle when talking to him and Youngjae would too, if he didn’t know how inappropriate that would be for him to do. If girls do it it’s cute, if he did it it’s gross. No, thank you.
“How’s that song coming along?” Jaebum inquires cheerfully, oblivious of Youngjae’s tight chest and throat. His mood, already at ground level falls through the elevator floor all the way down into the underground parking lot, smashing into the concrete. “Not bad.” He lies and Jaebum hears it. He’s smart, attractive talented, but also extremely sensitive and good with people. If he’d joined the company when he was younger, they surely would have debuted him as an idol. He’d have made all of Korea fall for him.
“Still in a slump, huh?” Jaebum slings an arm around his shoulder and presses him to his side. “Don’t worry.” He goes on. “You have the skills and it’ll pass. You can do it.” It’s just then that the elevator arrives at their floor and Youngjae has the chance to hastily excuse himself, shaking off the prodding arm and prodding questions so that he doesn’t have to think about whether he’s grateful for the nice words or throw up over what’s underneath.
Youngjae listens to a bit of scolding, scribbles down a few notes and overall does pretty much nothing. When his mind rests for too long, a little piglet climbs inside his brain, telling him to follow his dreams and he reaches for his bag and takes out the paper. “This is my dream.” He says and he has to say it out loud, because if he kept it inside his head it wouldn’t convince him.
It is his dream, he knows when he looks around the company. The people, the equipment. The studios, the music. Being a songwriter IS a dreamjob. He was so lucky to end up here. All the opportunities, the creativity, the skills and knowledge. The chances, the music, the art.
“Wanna grab lunch?” Youngjae startles when Jaebum’s head pops through a crack in the door. He hadn’t realized how the time passed. He decides to just nod and only when Jaebum steps closer and curiously looks down at the table asking. “What’s that?” Youngjae realizes with a shock that he still has the papers lying there, out in the open. He hastily grabs them and stuffs them into his bag. “Nothing.” He gasps and slings his bag over his shoulder. “Let’s go.”
Jaebum’s eyes narrow slightly, but he lets it slide. Youngjae gets on the elevator first and reaches out to press the button when Jaebum’s hand springs out of nowhere and grabs his wrist. Then he pushes him aside and presses the button for the ground floor. Youngjae frowns. “That’s not where the canteen is.” Jaebum beams. “Let’s go to the Italian place across the street.” He says. “I want lasagna.” Youngjae’s stomach feels fuzzy, but he shrugs it off.
“So, how’s that song coming along?” Jaebum asks once the waiter leaves with his order of lasagna and seafood-spaghetti. “You asked that.” Youngjae reminds him and avoids his eyes, letting his gaze wander around the dining area. It’s full, but the tables are nicely scattered so it doesn’t get too noisy. Jaebum props his chin onto his palm, elbow on the table and blinks at him. “And I’m asking again.” Youngjae’s eyes fleetingly flicker back to him. “Did someone put you up on my tail?” He asks, scrunching his nose as it tickles with the scent of herbs in the air.
“Yes.” Jaebum admits unabashed. “But that’s not why I’m asking.” Now Youngjae does look at him fully. “Then why?” He squints. Jaebum doesn’t show any signs of apology. “Because I want to know. You’re evasive and discouraged and you didn’t use to be like that.” It’s hard not to slump at the words. It’s true, Youngjae knows that. He used to be different, he used to be cheerful and laughing, the nickname ‘Sunshine’ coming from somewhere. “Follow your dreams!” The piglet screeches. Jaebum’s head tilts on his palm. “You used to have so much creativity and inspiration. And enthusiasm to be a producer.”
Youngjae presses his lips together. “People just have that sometimes.” He diverts. “Everybody goes through times like these, even you!” It’s half the truth. Jaebum is the most respected songwriter and producer in the company and even he had periods where he lacked output. But it surely never lasted as long as it does for Youngjae now. He shrugs unimpressed. “I’m thinking you could do better.” Youngjae’s anxiety slowly but surely tips over into anger. “Not helping.” He hisses. Jaebum finally sits back up properly, taking his arm off the table. “I know you did better when you were under less pressure.” He says casually. “But that’s how it is. There is pressure and it’s not going to go away because you want it to. If you want to be a music producer, you better get used to it.”
Youngjae isn’t used to hearing harsh words from Jaebum. Or, from anyone for that matter. He’s used to being encouraged. To hearing that he can do it, that he will achieve what he wants if he works hard. If there’s one thing people love to say, it’s that one fateful sentence. “Never give up.” The piglet taunts him and they’re quiet until the food arrives. Then Jaebum changes the topic and chatters away about miniscule things, leaving Youngjae confused and alone with his thoughts.
He mumbles a ‘Bye’ and walks off to the left once they’re back on their floor, knowing that Jaebum has to go right, but his sleeve is caught in the other’s grip and he turns back. “You know, Youngjae-ah.” Jaebum says, voice much softer than it’s been today. “I am a 100% honest when I say I know you can do better.” He pulls him a little closer in, face serious. “But that doesn’t mean you have to. Sometimes it’s just worth learning that, hypothetically, you’re not made to be creative under pressure.” Then he lets loose of his sleeve and steps away, leaving him dumbfounded in the hallway, mind tumbling over.
Youngjae pulls the stack of paper from his bag once he’s alone and places it on the desk. He flips through the pages slowly, one by one until he reaches the last. Then he takes a pen, hovering it above the straight black line on the bottom of the page. He takes one last deep breath and scribbles his name.
Everything after that happens in a dazed rush. He seals the sheets in an envelope and drops it in the mailbox. He walks into his bosses office with a hammering heart and when he emerges, he feels like he lost 50 kilos.
It takes some time, but not a lot and eventually it sickers through. He hears whispers, but ignores them. Then, one day Jackson is at the company and he’s not only their most popular artist, but also their noisiest one and he jumps on Youngjae’s back and whines. “You’re leaving usssss?” Mark, Jackson’s manager sighs exasperated and pulls his protégé off Youngjae’s body, setting him back to the ground. Youngjae likes them both and he’ll miss them. “Yeah.” He nods shyly. “But whhyyyy?!” Jackson wails, ignoring Mark who tries to shush him.
Youngjae breathes deeply. He hasn’t had to do this yet, hasn’t told anyone directly. “I found a different job.” He states and cracks a smile unwillingly. “That I really wanna do.” Jackson isn’t happy. “Who stole you?! YG?” He takes a ‘ready-to-fight’ – posture that makes Youngjae laugh. “No.” He shakes his head. “Nothing like that. I’m gonna be in the marketing department of a video game company.” It feels good to say. Jackson’s eyes grow large. “But you said writing music was your dream!” He cries. Youngjae is aware that more people are listening in and he finds he doesn’t mind.
“I think.” He says. “I’m better off keeping music as a hobby. And you know I love video games.” Jackson complains, but Youngjae sees Marks face twist into a soft smile. “Good for you.” He says, gentle voice the polar opposite to Jackson’s noisy one. Youngjae nods. “Thanks.”
„Is that really your choice?“ Youngjae halts in mid-air, halfway to stuffing a notebook into a box. Jaebum faked oblivious for the time being and now Youngjae‘s departure is official rather than „official“. He looks up, letting the notebook clumsily fall onto his other things. He nods, but doesn’t manage to squeeze out a word. Jaebum raises a disbelieving eyebrow. “’m sorry.” Youngjae mumbles, even though he’s not sure he knows what he’s apologizing for.
Jaebum steps closer. “What about your dream?” The scoff escapes Youngjae involuntarily. He means to take it back but Jaebum’s eyes sparkle and he smiles. Youngjae’s heart leaps and his throat closes up. Jaebum is really getting close. “Are you sure you made the right decision?” He asks, very quietly. Youngjae stares back at him. He wants to say yes, because that’s the whole point, but it won’t come out. Finally, after a long while he shakes his head. Jaebum’s smile stays perfectly in place.
“No.” It gives Youngjae the courage to say. “I’m not sure. I don’t know.” He stems his arms into his side a little childish. “But I’m tired of my dream.”
The piglet plops out of it’s dream bubble and climbs back down into it’s bed. The sun rises and it yawns when it awakes. Happily.
Jaebum moves in and wraps his arms around Youngjae’s body. His lips are right next to Youngjae’s ear when he whispers. “I’m glad you’re honest with yourself now.” It has him shiver, for a multitude of reasons and he hugs Jaebum back tightly. “Thank you so much.” He gives back, something sweet blooming in his chest. He half expects Jaebum to taunt him, teasingly ask ‘What for?’ but he doesn’t. He squeezes him once more, then backs away, though still holding onto Youngjae’s elbows. “I really hope you find your happiness.” He says with the utmost honesty. “But I’ll miss you.”
The happy feeling inside him receives a crack. Youngjae will miss him, too. They’re close, but it would be far-fetched to even call them friends. They never even met once outside of work and while they worked together a few times, including a fairytale-like tune that was sold as a jingle for a TV commercial and while they shared phone-numbers, they barely know anything about each other’s lives.
“Youngjae.” Jaebum says and he sounds a little breathless. “We’re not coworkers anymore now.” He pronounces it like a fact, not a question, but Youngjae still nods. “So the company rules… don’t apply any longer.” Youngjae frowns. Rules? He means to express his confusion, but he doesn’t get the chance. In a rash, hardly comprehensible motion he rushes in and their lips collide in the briefest of kisses. Youngjae’s heart explodes and when Jaebum is back in his original position, he feels breathless, too.
The company doesn’t allow coworkers to date. And while Youngjae mildly wonders if Jaebum chased him out for his own gain, he decides to inquire on that later. So before he can say anything else, Youngjae chimes in. “Yeah.” he whispers with a nod. He knew the piglet had a reason to wake up.
~*~
