Just reminiscing a bit. TL;DR: I love you modern teenage therians & otherkin, and also if anyone was on Chicken Smoothie circa 2008-2012 please say hi!
When I first stumbled upon therianthropy back in 2006, I quickly realized that there wasn't a place for me in the communities whose essays and information I was excitedly reading. It had been so freeing and exhilarating to know that I wasn't alone in how I am, but all the therian forums were for adults, and I was a teenager. I probably could have joined the "adult" forums and talked to grown-up animals instead of just lurking, but I didn't feel comfortable talking to strange adults (this was back when we actually taught kids to not disclose personal info online!), and the people on therian forums didn't feel like my peers anyway. So many of their conversations just sounded like dry philosophy, or referenced "adult" things I didn't relate to. I resigned myself to just reading what people wrote, and being a lonely teenager with nobody to talk to.
My first time really talking to other nonhumans was on the forum for a digital pet website called Chicken Smoothie. It was barely even a browser game at the time, just a cozy little forum with a pet adoption feature, and the users were a few hundred teens and preteens chatting and making art. But, in probably late 2008 or early 2009, someone started an otherkin thread and I finally found my peers. We spent hours a day swapping information we'd read, figuring out what people were, and just having fun. There was no gatekeeping or unfriendly grilling or essay-writing, and no sanctimonious adults to tell us we weren't being "serious" enough about nonhumanity. We were serious, but in the way kids are serious, before society makes them afraid to be authentic and silly. Conversations about spirituality and phantom shifts were interspersed with people roleplaying and making animal sounds, and we enjoyed both just as much. It was a space for all of us to act openly nonhuman around other people for the first time, and we did it like teenagers. We chatted through text and made art for each other because that's all the internet really was at the time, but if it had been possible (and socially acceptable) to take and share photos and videos of us acting like ourselves we would absolutely have been doing that, too. I can't even begin to imagine how much fun we'd have had with access to modern social media, when just talking to each other about who we were was already so fulfilling.
I don't know how many of the people I was friends with still call themselves therians, otherkin, or vampires. It's likely some of them were just roleplaying and left those things in the past. But I'm still here over 15 years later, so I know I was far from the only one genuinely expressing who I was. It doesn't matter to me whether those people I was a nonhuman kid with "grew out of it" or not, because that sense of joy and community was real. There wasn't a space for nonhuman teens online, so we carved one out ourselves.
Modern teens don't have to search so hard to find their community. When I look at the therian and otherkin tags on tumblr today, and when I see videos of teens on tiktok wearing homemade masks and running in the grass, what I see is a bunch of young people doing the exact same things I was doing on a forum in 2009. The infrastructure of the internet has made it hard to find and share accurate information the way we used to so there's a lot more misinformation, but the joy of teenagers learning they're not alone is still the same. There are so many high schoolers out there talking about shifts and posting silly animal sounds the same way I did, and that makes me really happy.
Maybe some of them are roleplaying and will stop calling themselves therians or otherkin in a few years, but that doesn't actually matter. There are people out there exploring nonhumanity for the very first time, and the joy is real.
On "Just a Hearttype", Kintype Exclusivity and Coining Culture
As time has gone on the (majority) of labels have expanded their purpose. Hearttype, for example has gone from a particular expression of affection towards something that isn't you to an expanded and ambiguous catch-a-lot term that's only real repeating definition is 'closer to like than to as', which, doesn't mean much.
Functionally, it's more of an ambiguous category catching all types of identites in its net, or serves as a large and fluid border between KFFer and the more solid or even more 'real' kintype identites. This is where ideas of identites being "just otherhearted" comes from.
Conversely, we also have coining culture if you don't find a term that fits you, you're heavily encouraged to make a new term. Sometimes these labels tend more of the side of gender coinings which leans towards personal elements or aesthetics but many others are terms that fall between other terms. Terms that are 'between' kintype and hearttype. Or kintype and otherlink, or theriotype and hearttype or fictionkin and fictionflicker, for just a few examples.
However the big ambiguous term and several, small precise terms do share a common purpose and that is to avoid designating many of these experiences to being kintype or theriotype. To push people away from these terms and redirecting them to terms that carry less weight. Being a 'lesser kintype' was not the primary purpose of the otherhearted label, nor is it what everyone as a whole is using it for but that is what it's used in many cases, I'd even say in it's most common form; a step-back from kintype through the veil of 'likeness' even if the person might have some 'as-ness' as part of the identity too.
It's a similar issue with some coined terms. If someone with a non-clear-cut identity is using a microlabel we don't see as a form of the more looked-up-to theriotype or kintype, we don't have to acknowledge that identity as a potential expression of theriotype or kintype. That person can go into their own corner with their own personal identity that we'll probably ignore because that's for them not for us. Coined terms rarely go past the coiner.
That's not to mention that some the fringes of terms such as otherhearted and otherlink (especially copinglink) being identified with KFFers. KFFers being suggested they use otherhearted (not what the term was originally used for, and who knows if that KFFer isn't or won't actually discover a more conventional kintype or as identity down the line) to terms such as Copinglink which are more of an origin term, than anything else, but those with 'links' are still treated as having identites that are less important than involuntary identites (this likely being the remains of a time where the concept of 'kin to cope' was attributed to KFFers and trolls. I think the need to differentiate kin and linktype on a community level comes from this and although these origins are accepted in community spaces they are still not quite seen as equal. Not to mention 'coping' as a term already has a negative connotation.)
Going back to the like vs as dichotomy these are also ambiguous to the point they don't really mean anything solid. Most people who use the 'kintype' still have ways they are 'like' their kintype (some people even insist you need to be like your kintype) and many people who use 'otherhearted' can easily find times where they might identify 'as' their kintype (perhaps through roleplay or through cameoshifts.) Although some people write out lists and detail what could be meant as 'like' or 'as' what it comes down to is personal differentiation.
What is being like something and what is existing as something are lines you have to draw for yourself. For some people working this out is easy. They know what they are and thus deserves to be called a kintype and what isn't and is probably something else. (Terms like copinglink aren't as relevant here since they typically demand full knowledge of the chosen becoming process.) For a lot of these people the lines they have drawn are deeply meaningful and help explain their identity better. But for many others the like vs as division just causes confusion and useless cycles of putting yourself on one side of the binary or the other. Sometimes feeling closer to like and sometimes closer to as or having traits of both or just having the terms not feel different to them in their mind. When that's the only real differentiating factor between terms like kintype and hearttype this can feel extra invalidating because of how hearttype is constantly framed as being secondary to kintype. Are you really what you think you are or are you only kinda like it? Are you sure this is an actual kintype or 'just' a hearttype? As someone whose been there it's not pleasant.
For people who do feel stuck trying to define and re-define their own labels there is a second option, and that is to coin your own personal term that encompasses the exactness of your identity. This might finally end the cycle of doubt but:
1. This isolates people into small groups or individual bubbles because of the specificness of the identity.
2. Potentially aestheticises the identity reducing it to a snappy label so others can understand it rather than embracing it's depth.
3. Yet again pushes away people with more ambiguous identites or whose identites aren't seen as strong enough away from the kintype or theriotype labels.
I've seen mention that they feel as if they need to be physical therians or otherkin to be seen as 'real' enough and although that's not true I can see where it comes from. If you know you are physically something then sorting as from like becomes easier, there's more certainty there. It can be more difficult for those with psychological or symbolic origins (to some any symbolic identity is seen as otherhearted or anything but otherkin).
Honestly I just wish more people would try out kintype and theriotype labels even if they feel their identites don't fit perfectly, even if you don't feel like that thing all the time, even if you feel a bit like and a bit as, even if you think you only wish or long to be something instead of actually being it. Because the way we've turned otherhearted into something amorphous and pushed people into coining words so their 'in-between' reflections of identity sit outside of mainstream labels.
I say this in full understanding that both the otherhearted label and newly coined labels can be deeply meaningful to a lot of people. I have nothing against people who use these labels and I'm glad so many people have these labels to describe their identity or parts of their identity.
This is about the overall community reaction to be protective of theriotype and kintype as the most respected identites and this has lead to awkwardly pushing out people whose identites don't bare enough certainty or permanency, seem too metaphorical or just aren't strong enough to really count as truly living up to what it means to have a theriotype or a kintype. I could also bring this back to anti-puppyposting or moodboard making and how some people see academic effort as a sign as a more authentic identity I wouldn’t be surprised if they were related at all.
Maladaptive Daydreaming and How It Affects Me/My Kinship
“Daydreaming” as a Nonhuman & Otherkin
Summary: learn a little about “maladaptive daydreaming” and learn about my experiences with it
CW: brief mention of abuse & vague discussion around trauma
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To start: What Is Maladaptive Daydreaming?
“Maladaptive Daydreaming” is actually a relatively “new” term coined in 2002 & isn’t a fully recognized medical condition. It is however a term being used to describe a phenomenon many people experience where they “excessively” daydream; these daydreams can be highly elaborate, can occur over multiple sessions and develop “storylines”, & can cause a person to entirely dissociate from their current space to explore a different world or situation mentally. This is often seen as a disruptive coping mechanism or a negative coping mechanism by default (which I don’t fully agree with), and has a tendency to take up a lot of time in someone’s day-to-day life.
Now I haven’t gone over everything here but I will link the Wikipedia article that briefly explains this subject & provides references to an assortment of opinions & findings on it, read or research further at your own risk: wiki article. Some opinions around it are absolute shit water.
Now, What does this have to do with being nonhuman or otherkin?
It’s about what one would imagine: it allows me to engage with concepts similar to “shifting”.
Now while I’m hesitant to downright call it “shifting” due to varying beliefs on what that word really refers to, I think I can safely say that maladaptive daydreaming is MY version of shifting at a minimum.
When I Maladaptively daydream, I’m able to mentally leave the room I'm in and be wherever I want to be. Whether it’s in the forest prancing around alone or deep in some convoluted plotline with my favorite characters from a recent interest; im able to be a hero, a victim, a beast long forgotten- whatever I need for that evening? I can be that!
Obviously I’m aware my body is still there in that room, and I know I’m not literally in these other places or situations, but it doesn’t really matter when I’m dreaming.
I’m able to imagine and mentally simulate things so vividly and clearly that for awhile I can just have fun and/or process things.
My body may be pacing back and forth across a room, I may be blasting music in my ears, I may even be moving in complete darkness- but the body doesn’t matter in that moment; the room couldn’t be more irrelevant; when I dream I’m somewhere else & that somewhere else is briefly necessary.
And I say “necessary” here very sincerely, because just like many others who maladaptively daydream- my dreaming is a lot of emotional and mental processing or bracing.
I developed maladaptive daydreaming when I was very young as a very clear coping mechanism; I won’t into all the gritty details but we can just say it helped me deal with a lot of early life trauma. And as I dreamt more and more- I would go on to be able to express more and more of my Alterhumanity & nonhumanity in a way that was deeply satisfying & relieving.
Because for hours and hours in my youth I could essentially quit being a human & be a powerful dog or anime demon or a twisted robot beast- whatever I needed- whatever fit the narrative- whatever helped me survive. I could be that, and I could pull through the impossible odds every time.
My alterhumanity & nonhumanity would very quickly (and not so subtly) developed alongside Maladaptive Daydreaming. While I believe I might have always been a little more animalistic than my peers- when im very honest with myself I can acknowledge a lot of my nonhumanity functions as a powerful coping mechanism & self perception. Where my daydreaming helped me escape my life for a bit- my identity as a creature or beast is what made me strong enough to come back to it.
In some emotional sense, I’d enter the daydream as a sad and scared little girl- and then I’d exit it as a powerful and wise monster; id become stronger, id become more wild, id be more myself- and if others didn’t understand me or didn’t like it, it was okay! Because I’d already prepared for a fight in my daydreams, id always already been ready to die (as dramatic as that is)
the cartoonishly high stakes of my daydreams made the more complex (and mundane) reality feel so much more manageable; if I were a dragon being hunted in my mind who could survive all the kings horses & all the kings men- then I could be a little girl who was being yelled at and threatened with ass whoopings; if I wasn’t being slaughtered I was doing awesome! But even if I somehow took on serious dangers, I was sure I could survive it.
And this applies even in modern day situations; while I’m generally better off than I was as a kid- I can still dream and process all my complex feelings and struggles through the lens of my favorite medias and my current kintypes.
I might be a poor man with holes in his floors and a few bucks to his name- but I can also be a unicorn impaling the literal embodiments of things like capitalism and greed. I can (mentally) spend time each day living as my Kintypes in vivid color with vivid mental and emotional stimulations, for better or for worse.
whether I’m crying over a fictional situation that mirrors my current day life or whether I’m saving the day like I save myself- I survive. I thrive. I process. And perhaps most importantly, I don’t have to be an human while I do any of it unless I want to be. I have the mental autonomy to control me better than I ever controlled myself in real life, and its cathartic.
Because of that near constant connection between the dreaming and my creature identity- I still consider maladaptively daydreaming to be a key part of my alterhumanity and nonhumanity. Even if it has less of a sway over my day-to-day now than it did when I was a kid, and even if I dream less than I used to- they’re sincerely connected. And im not sure they’ll ever be anything else.
Every kintype I have as a polykin appears in my dreaming, cameo shifts appear too- and through my dreams im able to focus on feeling and expressing myself in ways I simply cannot in this current world or life. I can spread my wings, I can race impossibly fast, I can bare my fangs, I can have whatever parts n bits I want in any part of my body and I can be adored while I do. I use my dreams as a tool to exist and flourish happily as a nonhuman; I dont have to be trapped or unhappy in any single shape. Daydreaming like this has (surprisingly to some), helped me love my current human shape so much more. I can relax as a human in the “real world” while I roam, run, and fight as a pig in a dream world.
It took awhile to get there- but ive found a balance.
Even if I know it’s not reflected on my current physical body- I’ve been doing this long enough to know it doesn’t really have to. My dreams show “real” results, it’s not a 1:1, but the positive effects and growth these dreams have given me IS real. My perception of self is real, my healing is real, and even if I acknowledge the daydreams AS daydreams- they’re real enough to me to be more than just a dream. And I feel like marking them off as anything less than the survival n processing method they are is dishonest and a disservice to understanding people like me.
Ive been maladaptive daydreaming for so long with so much focus & awareness- that the daydreams quit being intrusive for me a long time ago. They’re less an unintended interruption in my day & more a carefully scheduled self-stimulating ceremony I commit to nearly every night: they’re a part of what could be considered my “practice” as an alterhuman or nonhuman.
And I guess I just sort of wanted to talk about it a little. It’s not the most organized essay or rambling in the world, but surely you can cut me some slack; im not really used to writing this much.
I think id like to write about it more someday, but for now this will do. Im open to questions n curiosities on it, any hate or cruel “criticism” may earn you public humiliation & blocking
It kinda sucks that wolves are still utilized as stand-ins for predators and villains even now. Like, it’s a stain that never washes away. I was always empowered by wolves as a kid, so the trope of “A wolf in sheep’s clothing” always felt wrong to me.
Wolf imagery to allude to someone who takes advantage of others or violence is like, a very poetic thing but it just contributes to the subconscious stigma against wolves as violent, evil demons filled with bloodlust, hiding in plain sight and waiting to strike. It’s some of the same reasons why wolves were nearly persecuted to extinction in the U.S. in the past and why they still face legislative and physical violence.
The threat to wolves in the U.S. never ceased but did lessen. Even still, there are attempts to put them in harm’s way once more despite the fact that the population is still volatile enough to become threatened.
None of this sat right with me growing up and I was hyper-aware of it, but now, after awakening, I find myself aligning with all wolves (theriform, fictional, artistic, etc.), and becoming alert when even the word is said. It feels like I’m being spoken about because that is who/what I am.
When humans liken wolves to evil, it hurts a little as a wolf to see it. Especially recently, I saw a beautifully done animatic about SA and the perpetrator was drawn as a wolf. As someone who was SAd in the past, it just made me sad to see. There is a kinship there among survivors, but what I am and the theriform animals I consider my ‘peoples’ are still being demonized to this day.
Maybe this is just me creating something to be upset about or finding a harm to put myself in the way of, I’m not sure. It does just feel wrong, though, to equate an animal with evil. Historically, bad reputations have been given to many undeserving theriform creatures– like foxes, sharks, spiders, snakes, goats, orcas, hyenas, rats, pigs, donkeys, pigeons, black cats, crows/ravens, opossums, raccoons (& other ‘vermin’ animals), vultures, coyotes, alligators/crocodiles, weasels, piranhas, skunks, bats, small dogs (think people angering small dogs on purpose), cats in general (perpetuating them as lazy, self-centered, violent, and destructive), bees, wasps, hornets, flies (as much as they annoy me), owls (they can be seen as harbingers of death), Komodo dragons, leopard seals (as I’ve read), dolphins (YES the internet did irreparable damage to their image, they are just animals, not evil), monkeys (same thing), tigers, and MANY MORE!
This is just another case of metaphor gone so far that we intrinsically tie the human-imposed identities of these theriform creatures to them to the point where we can’t see anything but the media their likeness takes part in for our pleasure. That, and, applying human morals to theriform animals, which will never be fair.
Maybe I’ll make a longer post one day diving into the history of wolves being used as motifs and metaphors for evil and aggression, but for now, I’ll leave it at this.
The Self-Discovery Ouroboros: My Journey With Mythic Alterhumanity is an essay that discusses my relationship with mythic alterhumanity and my progress with questioning, dropping, linking and even reclaiming some species of mine! I also discuss the importance of being both human and nonhuman in my alterhumanity!
CONTENT WARNING: While this essay is mostly SFW, I briefly discuss kinklinking (otherlinking for the purpose of sexual kink) and kink in general. This is all in relation to a couple of experiences. With this considered, 18+ readers only.
The essay’s word count is 4,592. The estimated reading time is about sixteen minutes, so it’s a lengthy read. Be sure to give a shot when you have the time and energy to sit down with it.
On Glimpses of Genderfluidity in a Polykin Context
AKA: I Can't Hold All These Genders, So I Dropped Them All
This is a personal essay detailing my experience with gender as a polykin fictionkin and therian, when my kintypes' genders are all different and I still want nothing to do with them. I'm still agender!
Kintypes discussed will include Blue Diamond from Steven Universe, Ryou Bakura from Yu-Gi-Oh, Harrowhark Nonagesimus of The Locked Tomb, and a northern raven.
Content warnings: This essay largely focuses on disconnection from the concept of gender. While I won't go into details nor share explicit facts, I also make a reference to the kintype's genital configuration not aligning with my physical body's. Sources discussed at length will include Steven Universe, Yu-Gi-Oh, and The Locked Tomb. Memory suppression and dissociation will be mentioned. I also briefly mention injuries, lost loved ones, and exotrauma, though this isn't an essay about all that.
Spoiler alerts: Mild spoilers for Yu-Gi-Oh (particularly Memory World) and Steven Universe, and there's a massive spoiler for Harrow the Ninth.
Word count: 3,036 words
Tone: Casual, personal, introspective, euphoric, quick mentions of sad things but we're focusing on the contemplative parts here.
* Special thanks: This essay was inspired by the wonderful essay entitled "Dehumanization, Magic, and the Broodmother Instinct: Welcome to Khadgar’s Wild Gender" by Khadgar Chromatath of the DWW, as published in the Draconity 2025 Zine on itchio. Link to the whole zine below (it's free!):
A draconic community zine
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I don't know how to write an introduction, and I despise the English class practice of summarizing the whole document in your introductory paragraph (especially with how long this got, dear Azar), and really, the summary's directly above this section, so let's just dive in.
Overall, in this particular life on this particular plane, I identify as agender. No gender. Absolutely null. Do not gender me. You cannot gender me in a way that matters. This is why my pronoun list is full of nonbinary neo sets; I strongly prefer sets like xe/xir and ey/em over they/them, but I'll accept they/them because in English, and I do mean prescriptivist standardized scholastically-accepted English, it's understood to be the default pronoun when the gender of the subject is unknown.
Not that that's what I base my language preferences on; I am very much a descriptivist myself, through and through! But what I mean is, it's widely and commonly understood by speakers of this language that you use they/them when the gender is unknown. "Someone left their grocery bag at the checkout. Do you think they'll be back for it?"
An unknown is almost like a null variable, right?
The thing is, it's not always that simple. Especially not in 'kin shifts. I get glimpses of gender, like far-off anomalies passing me by. Stars seen in the constellation of my sky, but never landing on solid ground. Their gravity pulls me, but I never make direct contact. They never really connect the way other aspects of my kintypes do. The wings, the magic, the emotions: all of these are immensely impactful, deep, recurring aspects of my kintypes that evoke further emotions and phantom sensations and the kind of longing known intimately to those with hearthomes and remembered friends they'll never see again.
But gender is always a passing thought that never settles in to stay.
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Blue Diamond
Or, Non-Binary Femininity from an Alien Without the Concept of Gender
Let me open with the kintype whose gender I understand best in this life thanks to ample noemata.
Funnily enough, when I was "kinsidering" a canon Steven Universe Gem, but unsure which one, exactly, the first pronoun that awakened me was accidentally thinking of Blue Diamond with the pronoun "I" instead of "she". Also a "my" instead of "her." I was shocked at myself! But then I realized how "right" it felt. How appropriate. And when it came to gendered pronouns regarding Blue Diamond, "she/her" never felt wrong.
This is a departure from my typical setting (in the current life). I had never felt like I was particularly a girl, though growing up I also never felt like I was supposed to be a boy, either. Neither one of them fit me. Neither one felt like the category I belonged to. While I'd never experienced dysphoria arising from this body's hormone-based system, I never connected to it either. The day--the MOMENT--I saw the term "nonbinary", I felt gender euphoria for the very first time in my life. My worldview had been blown wide open! And once again, I finally found a label that fit me the day I saw, and understood the meaning through my study of etymology, the word "agender" and its glorious, comfortable, accurate, self-fulfilling lack of any gender at all!
So let's take a look at my gender as Blue Diamond now: I understand that to make the Gems a mostly feminine-presenting woman-shaped species was an intentional choice in this world, here and now, where that source is a work of fiction, and there is meaning in that. Representation is an important endeavor in art, after all!
But in my timeline as a Gem, it wasn't a conscious choice. She/her pronouns weren't chosen because Gems are inherently female; we called ourselves "she" and "her" in English because that was what the native dominant species on Earth called us in their language when we arrived. Something with the curved silhouettes of most Gem types, I suppose.
I don't recall much of Gem language, aside from its overall vibes (both in the meanings of "mood" and the literal shortening of the word "vibrations"; we didn't always communicate through mouths in sounds within the range of human hearing). But I don't think there was ever a gendered distinction. Gems in my timeline were sexless, genderless, and thought to be, in our ideal form, free of romantic attraction. (At least during Eras 1 and 2. Era 3 was very eye-opening, as you can imagine if you've seen the source. But that's a whole other essay for another time.)
So "gender" wasn't really on my radar. It wasn't a concept we had in Gemkind, and exploring one's individual identity wasn't ever really... encouraged, or even known about to many of our race for a long, long time. Self-perception didn't matter; what mattered was the perception of your duties and your skills by your supervisors (at least in my court; Yellow was a micro-manager but I delegated), and the contributions of "you" (meaning your entire gemtype) to the Empire.
I don't say this to endorse it; Eras 1 and 2 were hard on us all. But especially, cruelly, on those who tried to be Different. Too deviant from the norm. Too individualized. Those with these sorts of thoughts, should they reveal them to the wrong Gem, were punished. To develope one's own gender, and worse, talk about it, would have been to invite shattering.
So fast-forward a few dozen centuries, and enter Era 3. I was never particularly enamored of humans, or their concepts; once the Earth was no longer slated to be destroyed and I had no desire to "keep" Pink's favorite species preserved and sequestered away, I was happy to release them. I don't think I ever really cavorted or consorted with them. They were as alien to me as I them.
Now, I don't have a lot of specific memories from Era 3. I know things Happened, but nothing like the upheaval of my entire belief system, or understanding of myself that happened at the end of Era 2.
I don't think I had a "gender awakening". I was content with my gender being, basically, a Gem. Arguably, my "gender" was Diamond. It was certainly on that level of self-identification and self-perception, even after the title was stripped of social expectations.
Now, to perceive it in this world, I feel Blue Diamond's gender as a femme-presenting flavor on my usual agender spectrum. It's an absence of gender where the part of self-identification that usually lives in gender is taken up by identification of things like my projected form, and my pathokinesis, and my fellow Diamonds. Possibly a xenogender, if I understand the term correctly.
It feels like an effortless understanding, too, and I think Blue Diamond is the most comfortable shift to be in gender-wise because I presented in a way that aligns with my gender presentation in this life, with long hair and shapely skirts and overall draping clothes, and I wear a lot more blue (which many people in this life say flatters me). But it is, overall, a "null" sort of return if I investigated what gender I sensed in myself.
It's like still being agender, if only the flag was blue!
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Ryou Bakura
Or, Shifts With Masculinity that Rolled High on Stealth
Another fictotype I discovered several years ago came to me after a very rough months-long kinsidering process on the heels of reawakened exotrauma. I'll spare you the gory details. (If nothing else, I don't like to relive them...) But this is where the dissociation, memory loss, and memory suppression warnings come in.
I can't remember exactly what my gender was as Ryou Bakura. I genuinely just don't. That exotrauma I mentioned? In that life... (Oh, how can I even begin explaining the complicated entanglement of reincarnation in Yu-Gi-Oh...?) Well, let's just say that I have three kintypes from that same timeline, one of which is a reincarnation of another several millennia later. In the later life, I had memories of the earlier life. They didn't come to me often, but they were often emotionally laden, and thus greatly distressing.
They'd sneak up on me as flashbacks, or as awful night terrors. But the worst past was, I didn't know where they were coming from. They would leave me devastated, frightened, often in tears. My heart would be torn to shreds, and I wouldn't know WHY.
(The spirit of the Ring was never very forthcoming to me.)
What I do remember, and vividly, is that I was desperate to make these memories stop. I took an occult approach, and I performed a spell to block out the memories. And it WORKED.
(I lament that I don't remember which method I used, because now I have trouble recovering any specific memories from that life, and they tend to fade back into the forgotten when I DO remember anything--if I don't immediately write it down. But at least performing my own workings in THIS life because I was desperate to recover memories of Pink Diamond seems to have helped with regathering memories from Ryou, too?)
Anyways, my point is, those memories are locked behind some kind of emotional paywall and I can't often access them. To get back on topic in this essay: This includes memories of my gender.
I'm pretty sure I was some flavor of cis man. It was never something I put very much thought towards, though. Perhaps I wasn't the most introspective person...
I do remember one strange night, in this life, when I was very deep in a Ryou shift, and it came with a phantom shift of genitals that don't align with this body. And I didn't feel much at all about them. Certainly no dysphoria or revulsion, which I'm grateful for. Just a moment of surprise when I expected them to be there, and they weren't.
It didn't come with any particular attachment to the idea of gender associated with them though, masculinity or otherwise. Just a vague acknowledgement that, "Okay, so I guess I wasn't trans..." But at the same time, the disconnect from an identity of masculinity made me wonder even about that. Because could I have been nonbinary, maybe?
The tricky thing with Ryou is that alongside the voluntary memory suppression, I also struggled with dissociation and depersonalization. I wasn't always terribly aware of what I was thinking or feeling. Partially because of the spell to divorce memories and thoughts and feelings away from myself, I struggled to separate even the things I do remember from a general haze of vagueness. (There was also some trauma wound up in that, post-canon, but perhaps not as much as one would expect after being impaled and repeatedly possessed against my will...)
Anyways, I don't remember any strong feelings of gender, aside from maybe a sort of acceptance. Not resignation, exactly, and certainly not celebration. But I don't remember feeling anything about it whatsoever, aside from thinking of myself as a boy, a man.
I certainly wasn't terribly masculine, though. I was soft-spoken, quiet, and generally content to go along with whatever my friends wanted to do. I had my passions, of course! Games, especially ttrpgs and the eerie or occult side of Duel Monsters were my favorites, that's canon as hell and it aligns beautifully with my memories to the point of affecting how I play Yu-Gi-Oh in this life, too.
I'll spare you the infodump. But those were the things that made me happy. My games, my friends, my cooking, my collections, my magic, and my memories from THAT life, my life as Ryou, that I wanted to cherish, like memories of my deceased mother and sister.
I can't remember feeling either euphoric or dysphoric towards my gender; I suppose it simply wasn't anything I wanted to put much thought towards. Or never had to. It was probably why I had so many girls as suitors though.
--
Harrowhark Nonagesimus, Reverend Daughter of the Ninth House
Or, Femininity in an Inherently Queer Future
You want to know the funniest part? That wasn't even the only time I suppressed my memories! (Or maybe that's the saddest part...)
Unfortunately this describes another kin life when I had memory issues, and the memories I do recover come with a question of reliability. Except, unlike with Ryou, I don't generally enjoy exploring them, anyways. I have very little desire to.
From the moment I kinsidered Harrowhark, I was railing against it. I did NOT want to be Harrowhark. I hated the idea of it to my core. Alas, this was, in fact, further proof of being Harrowhark. I've largely barred myself from Harrow-shifting as best I can; though deeper shifts come with inexplicable eradication of my kinetosis, gastritis symptoms, and dyscalculia, they also bring a deep dysthymia, irascible irritability, and have a negative effect on my mental health, absolutely tanking my mood.
I do know one thing, though: I identified as a woman, and there was never a question about it that I can recall.
I've seen arguments, essays even, amongst the fandom arguing that the binary of Necromancer and Cavalier roles (as high-status professions that could define one's life) takes the place of the male/female gender roles, and I don't agree. To take the place of it, one would have to completely remove the acknowledgement, expectations, and assumptions associated with the prior binary state. I don't see any evidence of that having happened. I will concede that they play a similar role in social and behavioral expectations, and it is fascinating to consider, but I very much had personal feelings and attraction to certain "genders" as the social construct we know today. Not to mention, FAR too many people lie outside that binary. Very few people were a Necro OR a Cav. (Especially if you look OUTSIDE the Nine Houses.)
Again, I'll spare you the infodump. But I know I was a woman, and I knew it then, and I knew it of those I felt attraction to.
I'm not convinced there was any "euphoria" in that, aside from it being a part of Me, and I had to be valuable, I had a desperate pride bordering on arrogance, whoever and however I was. The entire experience of just being Harrowhark came with a lot of dysphoria. Not gender dysphoria, mind you, but dysphoria in the classic Greek sense. Dysthymia to a greater degree. Comingled with great pride. It's a weird and complicated mix, and I don't think I have the emotional intelligence to explain it. But the dysphoria certainly did NOT come from my gender.
It does get interesting to think about, though.
The vast majority of my memories are from life on the Ninth House. Where I was born; where I was raised; where my heart and loyalty was for so long. There's rarely any clarity to them; certain glimpses, certain feelings.
This particular life is supposed to take place at LEAST 10,000 years into the future from modern day. (I suspect a bit longer, considering... Everything That Happened before the so-called Man Who Became God turned himself into ~Emperor~ John Gaius. But I am once again telling myself to spare you the infodump, because that one gets nasty and bitter anyways.)
What does queerness look like in this future? Textual canon of the books in this world certainly don't show any evidence of queerphobia. Despite my insistence that the gender roles persisted, neither is there shown any backlash for failing to fit oneself inside a little gendered box. Different Houses (societies on different planets) had different boxes.
Gender evolved.
I don't think I was ever subjected to the same expectations as the average young woman, though. I don't really have any meaningful memories, let alone commentary, of the specifics. I'm always intensely distracted by Everything Else when I'm reading the books, so I've never been able to compile evidence against the "Gender is Now Necro/Cav" argument.
I suppose the only concrete thing I have to offer you regarding my life as Harrowhark is "trust me, gender in general was different", and I kind of hate that lack of depth for both of us. I was a woman, and so preoccupied with being a necromancer, a prodigy, an unhinged trapdoor in the lives of those around me, that I don't know what being a woman meant, except that I was one and I didn't have time to question it.
--
A Northern Raven
Or, Soaring Beyond Human Gender Expectations
Now let's stretch the concept of gender just a little bit further: my theriotype as a northern raven isn't even remotely humanoid. While I do believe the nonhuman animals extant here-and-now are sentient, they aren't SAPIENT, and that's a deviation from my usual kintypes.
It was the first kintype I ever discovered, and one of the last genders I discovered. I am a raven therian: I remember setting eggs, and raising nestlings. (I've even been thrown into a raven shift on the bus, simply by grocery bags between my feet on the ground, because it reminded me of setting eggs!)
I think I must have been female based on behavior, but there's a disconnect between what is female to the raven and what is female to modern human society (regardless of which society we look at, it is different). There are no expectations or accusations; just understanding that this is what we were doing, and this is what our babies needed. My female-ness didn't extend beyond much other than egg duties and receptivity in courtship. It wasn't a source of euphoria or dysphoria. It wasn't anything I was aware of.
I did like raising our babies. I liked when they would be playful. I liked the subtle artistry of building our first nest.
But I also liked flying, and bobbing on evergreen branches if I landed too suddenly, and watching the world from high above.
I was a sentry, a scout, guardian of my kin. Being male or female didn't affect the important things like my vigilance, or my unkindness [i.e., raven flock], or my quick response to threats. As long as my throat and lungs worked, it didn't matter to the bird whether I was male or female, cis or trans, conformative or queer. As long as I could call out when there was a hawk or human, I was respected.
I was a raven, I was trusted, and I was among friends. That was what mattered.
i think a lot of folks can relate when i say that it took so long to fully accept my alterhumanity because of the fear i was somehow a fraud-- faking this experience because my then-current identity felt... incomplete. no parts of my alterhumanity fit neatly in boxes. i can't tie any one identity to any one origin. i can't say with certainty whether they're voluntary or involuntary. i don't even fully know if my 'types are kintypes, hearttypes, etc. i'm sure there are plenty of microlabels that i can stack up to fit my experience into neat boxes, but for me that's more alienating than just. not labeling it at all.
that being said, i'm going to try to describe my identity's origin in this post, as thoroughly as i can manage. and if even one being comes across this post and feels that their identity is a little more real, i've done what i am setting out to do.
my first (and second, and third, etc.) encounters with alterhumanity
i grew up on youtube. i became a furry after watching a dance competition in 6th grade, and i hid my first fursona from everyone. i've always been a bit private.
so, it isn't surprising when i found myself watching anthony padilla's "i spent a day with" episodes on otherkin and therianthropy. my thoughts didn't go much beyond "people like that exist, that's cool" because surely if i was one of them i would know that by now.
i did some more research, if you can call it that, by watching more youtube videos by therians and otherkin. i had the thought that if i was one, i'd be a cat. i've always wanted to be a cat. but of course, i thought i would know already if i was.
the order of events gets a little blurry from here on. i bought a choker and pretended it was a collar. i got my hands on a half-mask and wore it secretly, in my room. i listened to "grow wings" and "change forms" subliminals. i made ears and tails and paws out of foam and fur and pretended it was for halloween. i watched and posted tiktoks, and cleared my search history. i read tumblr blogs, and cleared my search history. i briefly tried tulpamancy-- or that's what it was called at the time. i found daemonism. i tired quadrobics. i jumped on the trampoline to pretend i was flying. i remembered, and forgot, and remembered, and forgot.
alterhumanity was there in the bad parts too. gender dysphoria? i'm a tree. feeling invisible? well, i have wings and they don't. can't talk? try growling. try curling up like a cat and wait for the feeling to pass. the character of sophie foster got me through covid, because my experiences were hers. my pain was easier to handle when i could become something, or someone, else.
and so it went. i kept dipping my toes into alterhumanity, only to pull them right back out. my first venture into actually labeling myself didn't happen until 2024, at least 5 years after i first was introduced to the community. i tried out voidpunk, because it fit a little bit with the "coping" part of my alterhumanity. but it still didn't feel quite right.
months after that, finally, i accepted myself. i used the term otherflicker to describe my varied feeling of connection (which i later discovered is quite normal among otherkin. they just don't label it, instead saying things like "main" or "strongest" 'types). i now use the term cambikin to describe the same experience. but i'm not going to get caught up on taking you through all the labels i've ever prescribed myself here. this is about origin. i'll take it one 'type at a time.
i am a cat, and i think i always have been.
a domestic cat, probably with a tortoiseshell coat, if i had to be specific. i remember pretending to be one growing up, licking my arms because that's what cats do, crawling around on the floor and rubbing my face on furniture. even now, i still act like one around my parents-- laying in my mom's lap and waiting for head scratches, or making weird noises when i don't want to talk. i think this identity is very behavior-based, and it mostly comes from fascination and mimicry. i've never had a pet cat, but i would watch documentaries about their behavior. i wanted to come back as one in my next life. they were me, and i was them, though i didn't use those words. in this way, i guess it is a psychological identity, except for that bit about lives. i don't think i've ever fully believed in reincarnation. i believe in the universe, i guess. i believe my atoms were once stardust and then a million other things before i got here. and i do think some of my atoms are going to be a cat (i guess that's a bit physical, too).
"i am a tree" <- the name of my playlist before i knew i was a tree
the cat is probably the simplest of my identities to explain. it follows the very common story of "i've been like this since forever". my coastal redwood identity is not like that. i practically worshiped a specific redwood tree in elementary school. on tumblr i would curiously search for plantkin and feel a deep ache in my chest. i called myself a tree when i realized i was nonbinary because trees don't have human genders. they're neutral, solid, reliable. my brief period of tulpamancy included an oddly introspective moment where i reached into the back of my head and asked what's your name? my brain whispered one word, the only word i don't think i willed it to say during that time: tree. ...at this moment, it's hard to imagine i ever wasn't a coastal redwood. they're such an integral part of me. a hearthome and a hearttype and a phytantype all in one. a mix of psychological and spiritual, voluntary and involuntary, a coping strategy and something integral to myself. something like, i chose to be the tree i always was.
i'm an odd dragon.
and well, that's the beauty in draconity. there is no dragon that isn't odd. but what i mean is that i'm more wild. i'm more dragon therian than dragonkin. which is odd, because my only explanation for this identity is through the wings of fire series i obsessed over growing up, in which the dragons are definitely more intelligent. so i hesitate to call this 'type fully psychological because i cannot explain it. unique to most of my other identities, i've learned the most about being a dragon through shifts and meditation. i have fur instead of scales, four legs, two wings, and deer-like patterns and antlers. i live in the forest-- alone, most likely-- and sleep in caves and trees and by the rivers. my behavior is a little catlike, but fully dragon: i snap my teeth and growl and fly high high over the forests. if i had to give it a spiritual explanation, it would be something like... a parallel life. or a life from long, long ago before earth as we know it. but i can't say it was entirely involuntary-- i just wanted to have something, when i first accepted my alterhumanity. and a dragon seemed to fit.
i have been through many changes as a winged person.
i think this identity started when i gave my characters wings, right when it was all getting bad. 2021-2022 might've been the worst my mental health has ever been. towards the beginning, i was spiraling. towards the end, recovering (although one could question my methods of doing so). somewhere in there, i became all-too aware of being ignored. i felt invisible. like nobody could really see me. so as any normal human person would do (joke), i started to imagine that i had wings on my back. big, beautiful black wings. and nobody else could see them because nobody else can see me. but that didn't matter because i had wings. i was more than what they thought of me. i got really into poetry and the universe and being part of all of it. the wings were a symbol of spite, persistence, acceptance. ...then i started reading wingfics, after the worst of all that angst. i read about "avians" and preening and perching and all their customs. and it felt like me. so, i may have started with just the black wings, but it soon morphed into being an avianthrope-- a humanoid bird-like person. my wings change pattern from parrot to starling to fairywren because sometimes identity is a little voluntary and there's no one bird you have to be and that's okay. i have feathers on my arms and in my hair. i perch on things, i give people things, i would preen if i had the opportunity. i'm a male in that i like looking pretty. this identity was pretty much entirely a way to cope but it has become so much more than that.
i chose to be a fictionflickerer since before i knew what that was
i get too into stories sometimes. not in the obsessive way but in that i forget myself. i become the character. but that's an oversimplification. take my first memory of a fictionflicker, before i knew what that meant: sophie foster from keeper of the lost cities. a middle grade series that is still not finished as i am writing this. i read it in lockdown and had to remind myself that i was real every time i left my room-- experiencing shifts every time i sat down to read another chapter. but it was more than that, it was a conscious connection as much as parts were unconscious. i would think, how would sophie approach this? if sophie can do it, so can i. sophie went through the same thing. we are so similar that i am her. so yes, there was a voluntary reach. and there has been with my two flickers since then as well. a mix of oh god i am them and i choose to lean into this.
birds and birds and birds
i'm bird ambihearted. some but not all species. and it is due to being an avianthrope but it also isn't. it's also because i associate certain penguin species with my cultures, because i had three precious budgies for years, because parrots fly over my home and crows hang out on the sidewalks and birds are all around me. and i am so very attached.
in the eyes of a non-traditional daemian
when i first got into daemonism i didn't know it was considered alterhumanity, but it makes so much sense. my daemon is not very thought-out, one could say. i've never done any form finding, she's always a binturong, even her name is just dae. but she helps me move when i can't get myself to, she keeps me a little company. she brings me a little comfort. and through her, i am a binturong as well: subtle shifts, phantom limbs, the usual experience i have as a therian. but i'm not a binturong therian. dae is simply a binturong, and dae is simply me. as i am her. so i am a binturong. and as far as i know, daemonism is usually a thought exercise or a self-care practice but to me it is a lot messier. and that is fine.
we are all different and that is what alterhumanity is about, isn't it? we talk because that is worth talking about. and there is no requirements to saying you're a dragon, or a tree, or anything at all because alterhumanity is inclusivity. i hope you found value in my ramblings
I'm disappointed the Wikipedia article for "supernumerary phantom limb" is so small considering there's an entire subculture where its seen as par for the course. Should I write an addition describing nonhuman phantom shifts? I could do it easy so long as I had materials that I can cite as sources. Survey results, essays, even a study if one has been done yet, something like that. Only requirement is it needs to be published, so can't be anything off a blog or a website. If anyone knows of any articles that discuss phantom shifting in any way that might pass Wikipedia's standards for reliable sourcing, please let me know!
