Louis is 23 and terrified. He's in bed with Harry, three of the younger man's fingers in his arse and anxious out of his mind. He's been dating Harry for over a year now and this would be their first time having sex which Louis has put off on account of him being asexual, something he hasn't told his boyfriend yet. Harry has been patient with him and was as kind as ever, of course assuming that Louis was just waiting for the perfect time. But here he is, his boyfriend looking quite breathtaking above him, telling him to stop. Harry immediately pulls away, asks Louis what's wrong, checks to see if he's alright.
"I'm ace, I-I don't want sex." Louis chokes out.
The stifling silence of the room makes his words sound ten times louder.
Harry wipes his slippery hand on the sheets, looks at Louis in understanding and god, he's probably been really looking forward to this. Louis' feeling too many overwhelming emotions all at once and starts to cry, biting down hard on his lip to try and stop. Harry immediately scrambles to his side, one arm wrapped around his boyfriend's waist and the other stroking his hair in comfort.
"I'm sorry, I know you wanted to and I thought I could do it, thought maybe I wasn't sex repulsed but I am and I can't. I'm sorry." Louis hiccups, taking deep shuddering breaths. He's hoping with all his might to whatever all knowing being that's supposedly out there that he doesn't lose Harry, doesn't know what he'd do if he did.
"Louis, babe, it's okay. You have nothing to apologize for. I still love you." Harry murmurs into tanned skin.
"I know you want sex, I don't want you to end up resenting me because I won't put out." Louis hasn't felt this way about himself in years and wow, he just wants to cry more, even though the tears have mostly run their course.
"I am not going to leave you over this Louis. I can masturbate if I need to, that's fine. But what isn't fine is you feeling uncomfortable or pressured in this relationship. You gotta let me know things like this, okay babe? I love you and I promise I am not going anywhere." Harry rambles, desperately wanting to make sure that Louis knows he is loved.
Harry's words do him good and he calms down soon after, way more tired than he should be, falling asleep warm and at ease with promises to talk about it more in the morning.
~o~
It's been nearly two months since Louis came out to Harry and he couldn't be happier. Now he's free to enjoy their relationship without the crushing weight of his secret on his shoulders. Plus Harry's been a wonderful boyfriend, respecting his boundaries if things get too intimate and he's just so in love. Which brings him to blurting out over breakfast in their hotel room "I want to come out to the boys."
Harry who was casually sipping on his tea looks up at Louis with sleepy doe eyes and casually says "Yeah?"
This time, Louis finishes chewing his waffle before he continues.
"Yeah. You were really great and nice about it. And I don't think it would be any different with the boys, after all, we've been mates for soon to be five years now. I'm gonna do it. Maybe today, we have the day off." Louis grins, spearing a forkful of eggs.
Harry takes a moment to think as he finishes the last of what's on his plate.
"If that's what you want, I'll be right there to support you."
--
The sun has just begun to set on the western horizon outside and the five men in Louis and Harry's hotel room had just finished what was probably the eighth round of Fifa. It's when Liam cracks open a new case of beer and pulls out a bottle for himself that Louis speaks up.
"Hey lads, can we hold off on the game for a mo'? I have something I want to say."
The guys set their controllers down and look at the oldest of the band expectedly, interest peaked in what he's going to say.
Louis settles more comfortably into the couch, hesitates. Harry who is right next to him squeezes his hand with whispered words of "You don't have to tell them now if you don't want to."
Louis turns his head to the side and pecks him on the lips.
"I am. Just needed a second." Louis says softly against his lips.
Turning back to his friends, Louis rips the metaphorical band aid off and says "I'm asexual."
For a brief second, no one speaks.
That is until Liam says "You're gonna have to explain what that means mate."
"So a means without and sexual is sex. So I don't like sex and I don't want it. I've known for years and only just told Harry two months ago." Louis elaborates, glancing anywhere in the room except for the three faces of his friends.
"That's fine Louis. It's not for everyone." Liam says with a beaming smile.
"Yeah, it's just good that you told us. We're cool." Niall pipes in immediately, understanding that this had to have been difficult for Louis to tell them.
The mood is slightly dampened when Zayn says confused "But you and Harry are in a relationship? How?"
Louis understands that this is different and might be a little hard to understand for some at the beginning, so he says in response, "We just don't have sex. It's still a normal, healthy relationship."
"I don't get why? It's weird to be honest." Zayn grumbles loud enough to be heard. Niall lands a hard punch in his arm, silently telling him to shut up.
Louis bites his bottom lip, looking his closest friend in the eyes. "We can talk about it later if you want to understand."
Avoiding Louis' eyes, feeling like he's right in front of his face despite being on the other side of the coffee table, Zayn says "I don't think I do."
~o~
After finishing up a concert, the guys usually go their separate ways for some space before hanging out or heading back to their hotel. Louis rids himself of silly string and the excess water dripping from his hair backstage before searching for a back exit or loading dock where Zayn would most likely be smoking.
In the inky darkness of an empty corridor, a dim red exit sign glows, beckoning Louis forward. Louis would bet money on the fact that Zayn is out there. His slim hopes of being quiet vanish when the heavy metal door he pushes open squeaks and grates loudly against cold concrete.
As soon as he comes into view, Louis catches Zayn, who looked to see who it was avert his glance.
"Hey mate. I was looking for you." Louis greets, leaning against the cool iron railing that Zayn has his torso pressed against.
"Why?" Zayn asks with a lit cigarette balanced between his lips, barely paying Louis any attention.
Louis sighs, runs a hand through his damp hair exasperated. "I was just hoping that we could talk a bit. You've been avoiding me and I just want to know why. Or at least understand since I think I know the reason why."
Zayn takes one last drag off the cigarette before stomping it out with his black Doc Martins. He stares at Louis with such a burning intensity that the older man is surprised it's directed at him.
"I don't want to talk to you Louis. It's gross that you're in a relationship and not having sex and depriving Harry of it because that's just a friendship. Everyone inherently wants to have sex and you can't be any different. Now just fucking leave me alone okay?"
Before Louis can even answer, Zayn stomps back inside, angry even though Louis doesn't get why he has any reason to be. Left alone in the darkness with one orange buzzing wall lamp covered in spiderwebs, Louis' hands shake with anxiety. On edge, thoughts quickly becoming negative, and buzzing in a negative way, he fumbles in his pockets, hoping to find some cigarettes or a joint, something to take the edge off. Finally his fingers close around a stale joint in his shirt pocket. He has no clue as to how long it's been there but doesn't care at this point. Exhaling in relief, he lights the joint with shaky fingers and takes a long drag, hoping to regain some sense of normalcy.
~o~
Even though the spliff helped Louis calm down enough that he didn't feel like he was in a tailspin, he was still upset about his confrontation with Zayn. Harry is unable to go to sleep when they get back to the hotel and is well tuned to how Louis is feeling. When they get in bed, room cloaked in the darkness of two am, Louis rolls over on his side without a word to Harry, hoping his boyfriend would take it as a sign of being tired. Unfortunately, Harry quickly notices that something is up and asks him what's wrong.
"What's wrong is that Zayn hates me now." Louis mumbles into Harry's chest.
"Baby, I'm sure he doesn't hate you."
Louis sighs. "Yes Harry, he does. I thought I could come out to my friends because we've been mates for almost five years and they support the lgbt+ community. But apparently Zayn's support doesn't extend so far to the a part of it. He doesn't want to talk to me because of the fact that I don't want sex when everyone does deep down. His views have really been bugging me lately, but I don't want to lose our friendship. I thought we were bus 1 for life."
Harry frowns as Louis talks and doesn't know what to say that would make him feel better. Even though he can barely see, Louis makes out the pout of his lips and his eyebrows brought closer together.
"Haz, it'll be fine. Hopefully we can work things out. Thanks for letting me vent though."
"I guess… if it made you feel better…"
"It did. Don't be so upset about it yeah? I just want to hopefully stay friends even though he hasn't been a good one lately."
~o~
Throughout the tour, fans begin to take notice of the rift between Zayn and the rest of the band, Louis especially. They don't ever interact with each other on stage anymore and there is clearly negative energy harbored on Zayn's side of things.
Louis is changing into clothes suitable for clubbing after the concert and is shimmying into a stiff pair of skinny jeans when he overhears Liam trying to get Zayn to come out with them. Thanks to the little private sectioned off area Louis is changing in, the two of them have no idea that he can listen in on the conversation.
"Zayn, come on. Just have a couple drinks with us or dance or something. You haven't been acting like yourself lately." Louis hears Liam say encouragingly.
After a very brief pause, Zayn asks "Is Louis coming?"
Liam sighs, knowing they're about to get into it, wishing Zayn would stop being a dick towards his friend.
"Of course he is. And so are me, Sophia, Harry, Niall, and some of the band. Why can't you put your feelings aside and talk to him?"
Louis hears a couple heavy footsteps and the sound of air wooshing out of the couch when someone sits on it. He has no idea who.
"Because there's nothing to put aside Liam. I think what he says he is is quite stupid and if he would just stop kidding himself, he'd know that he would like sex and that it's good. Besides, does he really need to go drinking? I'm sure he doesn't need any extra calories anyway. He's getting soft lately. And the alcohol'll fuck up his voice even more."
Louis looks down, eying the softness of his stomach with a frown. He knew that Zayn wasn't feeling positively towards him lately and has given him his space that Louis figured he needed, but that really hurt. Usually if they got in a spat, they'd say meaningless insults at each other and take a couple days to cool off before they're good again. But it's been weeks since Louis came out to them and Zayn seems to really want to hurt Louis with his insults, has true intent behind them.
"You know what? Never mind. Fuck you." Liam says, completely giving up.
Liam walks out and slams the door behind him, and for a moment, the room is completely silent. Louis doesn't dare make a sound.
For a second, Louis thinks that Zayn might have left, that is until he hears him say hello.
"Hey man, what's up?" Louis immediately recognizes the voice of Naughty Boy on speaker and his face immediately twists into an expression of annoyance and minor disgust.
"Nothing much you know? I just can't hang around here anymore. You busy?"
"Nah, you can come over."
Louis doesn't see it, but Zayn smiles relieved. "Cool. Thanks mate. See you in twenty."
As soon as the coast is clear, Louis steps out, adjusts his shirt, and goes to meet his remaining friends with the thought of getting smashed stuck on his mind.
--
As soon as they get to the nightclub, people start ordering drinks like wild fire. The first is a round of shots, quickly followed by a second round of shots. Niall grabbed an empty booth for the group as soon as they got there and currently Louis and Niall are the only ones sitting in it at the moment. Liam and Sophia are dancing in the large crowd of people and Harry is just having himself some fun. Louis ordered himself a couple more drinks, and considering he hasn't eaten in at least five hours, he's way more drunk than he should be. He's talking to Niall about how he tried to chat someone up who turned out to be really mean which makes him think about Zayn and what a total jerk he's been lately.
Louis knows he's probably going to regret this in the morning, but not exactly in the best state of mind, he sends out a couple vague tweets full of spelling errors that will really bug him later on about having someone you thought was your friend prey on your insecurities to insult you about things you can't control, and how they'll ditch their friends to hang out with an arsehole who is only going to screw them over in the end.
His mind is foggy and he feels angrier and angrier with each tap of a word. One minute later, his phone vibrates with a new mention from Zayn saying "Remember when you had a life and stopped making bitchy comments about mine?"
Louis immediately tweets him back, done with his shit and his shit attitude. "Hahaha yeah! Rebmembr when u wernt an unooriginAl judgdemental cunt??"
Louis waits for a reply, ready to go off at Zayn if he wants, but doesn't get one.
"Yes! I fucking won! Screw Zayn. Do you want another drink mate? Cause I'll- I'll get you one." Louis says loudly and ecstatically.
He accidentally hiccups which Niall laughs his arse off at and asks Louis to get him a beer this time. Despite being very drunk and having argued with who he is almost positive is his ex-best friend, Louis feels pretty good.
~o~
When Louis wakes up the next day, he can see through the curtains that the sun is high in the sky, telling him that it's early afternoon. He blinks his eyes blearily and groans loudly, suffering from a massive hangover. He rolls over, expecting Harry to be next to him, but finds his side of the bed warm and empty. With all the mental strength he can muster, Louis rolls out of the large bed. Upon standing, Louis notices that for some reason he is shirtless, but still has his unbuttoned jeans from last night on. Before he walks into the kitchen, Louis pulls on a red t-shirt that he discovers is Harry's and smiles at the comforting familiarity.
"Hey." Louis greets roughly upon seeing Harry sitting at the kitchen island.
The 21 year old jumps when he hears his boyfriend's voice and quickly slams the lid of his laptop shut.
"Hi Louis. How you doing?" Harry says softly, offering Louis two white pills.
Louis immediately knows something is up by that slightly apologetic tone. Whenever he's hungover, Harry does talk quietly and gives him a couple pills for a headache, but never sounds apologetic. He figures it has something to do with his laptop.
"I'll be fine. What were you looking at that you didn't want me to see Harry?" Louis inquires after swallowing the medicine.
He takes a seat on the stool next to his boyfriend, arms brushing in their close proximity, holds his hand with hopes of him telling Louis what he is trying to hide.
"It's nothing babe."
Louis squeezes his hand in his, tells him "It's definitely something. I don't want you to hide stuff from me love."
"I just don't want you to get really upset by it. Management is trying to handle it."
Now Louis is worried and pulls his hand out of Harry's hold. "Let me see your laptop. If this involves me, I want to know."
Harry sighs in defeat and passes the computer to Louis after unlocking it, knowing he's going to find out anyway.
What Louis sees when he opens Harry's laptop is an unclear video of Zayn and his friend Naughty Boy hanging out at the producer's house. The interior of the room they were in is hazy in the thick smoke of a lot of weed, judging by the large colorful bong on the table. The two of them, mostly Zayn though, talk shit about Louis and Zayn mocks his asexuality on a video that the whole world has seen.
"The thing is, the original video was taken down, but people work fast and it's all anyone's talking about. I'm sorry."
Louis' stomach is in knots and he feels like he's going to hurl. He knew Zayn was the one who posted the video that outed him to the entire world when he didn't want them to know yet, knows that everyone is going to be watching him, judging him, making fun of who he is oh god he didn't want them to know yet, this is the worst thing to ever happen to him. Louis stumbles off of the tall stool and runs to the bathroom to puke his guts out, can't help but cry, knowing that Zayn has sunk so low to betray his trust like that. As he sits on his haunches, trying to focus on seriously not having a panic attack, Louis feels a burning hatred in his heart for Zayn Malik who has destroyed their friendship, and Louis' trust in him for good.
