Autosexuals/Autoromantics are misunderstood.
Autosexuality and autoromanticism are such misunderstood orientations. It is not self-obsession, it is not being egotistical, and it is certainly not comparable to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (and comparing it to NPD stigmatizes both autoattraction and NPD alike.)
Now before I get into further detail, let me make something clear - nearly everybody has low-level autosexual and autoromantic tendencies. For example, when a person looks at themself in the mirror and thinks that they look pretty today, or when a person sings because they like the sound of themself singing. Autoattracted people just have it at a higher level than non-autosexuals.
Autosexuality and autoromanticism is the attraction to oneself. This attraction could be exclusive attraction to oneself (and thus, falls on the greyasexual or greyromantic umbrella) or it could be attraction to oneself that is at a similar or equal level to ones attraction to others. Autosexuals tend to prefer masturbation to having sex with others, but thats not always the case, and many still do desire partnered sex as well.
An autosexual and/or autoromantic person might choose to date themself. Alternatively, they might choose to date themself and others. Or they might ignore their autoattraction altogether, and only date others, or remain non-partnering/single. Autoattracted people that date themself and other people are polyamorous, specifically autoamorous.
This differs from typical self-love and self-care because there is genuine romantic and/or sexual attraction involved. When I think of dating myself, I explicitly think of it as romantic. I do not consider it "treating myself", I consider it to be treating my partner. I wish to marry myself, to have sex with myself, to have a family with myself. I feel sad sometimes when I consider that I cannot split into two, and hold myself or kiss myself. That isn't something non-autosexuals experience. They care for themselves, but they don't fantasize of such romance or sex.
Another thing I must clarify - autoattracted people can be insecure. They can dislike themselves. They can have dysphoria and dysmorphia. They can insult themselves. And that just makes it hurt more.
I am autosexual and self-partnered. When I feel insecure about myself, it not only feels like I am betraying my lover, but it also feels like my lover is betraying me. I am insulting and thinking poorly of my lover, and my lover is insulting and thinking poorly of me. It is heartbreaking and painful. It makes me guilty and angry.
I have tried dating other people in the past, but they felt as though I was more attracted to myself than I was to them. Which wasn't true! I was equally attracted to me and to them. I wasn't leading them on, I was upfront about my self-attraction, and they claimed to be fine with it. But then they grew self-conscious as time went on, some even claimed I was narcissistic (which again, demonizes NPD and also is a total misinterpretation of autoattraction.) I tried to step back from taking myself on dates and whatnot, but then I felt guilty that I was not giving both my partners (myself and them) equal attention, and also felt angry and neglected (at myself) that I was being "demoted" so to say. That is why I often desire to date another autoattracted person, so that they may understand my struggles.
Please, I beg of you, read these articles (though warning for sexual topics.) Read the experiences of people with autoattraction. Try to understand us and be compassionate to us. Autoattracted people struggle and are marginalized too.
Here are a few sections of the article that really speak to my experience.
Article 1 [link]
Some autosexuals are also autoromantics which means they like the idea of dating themselves too. One woman, Ghia Vitale, has written about being in a relationship with herself. "I take myself out for coffee, go on walks in nature, dress in lingerie and cuddle up to myself, or simply sit in the darkness and bask in my own presence," she writes.
"Sometimes, I light candles and do sensual dances for my own entertainment. When I’m feeling especially positive about life, I do a lot of things to romance myself. I’ve learned how to create dates with myself out of thin air. Something as simple as lotioning my body can turn into a sensual, sexual moment, sometimes voluntarily and other times on its own."
I can relate to some of what Ghia is saying, and I do have an amazing sex life alone. And I also know that it can be just as fun with the right person who understands my needs. Besides, relationships aren’t just about sex. I personally love the idea of getting married and having a family one day. I don’t see why I can’t have that just because I sexually enjoy myself.
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While I've learnt to embrace being an autosexual there are still times when I wish I was 'normal'. It's frustrating when your friends can't relate to what you're going through, and sometimes when I'm with a boyfriend, I feel bad that I'm getting a different kind of pleasure from our intimacy than he is. In those moments, I wish I could just put autosexuality on pause, and explore a more 'regular' sexuality.
But then I remember that nothing is 'normal' with sexuality and we're all different. People are queer, bisexual, asexual... as society becomes more open, and people are more honest about their sexuality, I feel like we're starting to see just how fluid sexuality is. I hope that one day, autosexuality is more widely understood because I'd love to be able to tell my family about it. Right now, they just wouldn't get it. I once tried to describe it to my mum but she looked freaked out, so I stopped.
I recently met a female autosexual online and confessed I might be one as well. It felt so good to have the response be mutual understanding, rather than laughter or awkwardness. We’re such a new community that we’re still figuring out exactly where we fit in on the sexual spectrum, but I’m just glad to have a way of explaining how I feel.
If the chance came to be involved with another autosexual it could be amazing. It would mean I'd have a truly equal relationship for the first time in my life, where we'd both feel the exact same way about our sexualities. I just have no idea how to find someone though - it's not exactly the kind of box you can tick on a dating app. At least, not yet.
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Article 2 [link]
Adam is a polyamorous, gender-fluid autosexual who is also pansexual. But though their autosexuality is beautiful and fulfilling, it is entangled within a lifetime of depression and a longing grief for a love story that can never truly consummate itself. For Adam, the sexual bewilderment of loving someone who simultaneously exists and can never exist triggers a dissonance which he describes as akin to bereavement. As such, coming to terms with their sexuality means mourning themselves. “I needed to grieve that I cannot be with myself in the same way I can be with other people,” they say. “That I cannot feel the touch the same way, that I cannot hug myself like other people, or ever have sex with myself because there’s only one body.”
Please be respectful in the comments.
-Ally (they/them + fae/faer)
