#bebopbelter

[collectivestuck-blog]

58

Wow, what a fucking waste of time.

You’ve spent the last month stumbling around in twilight, trying to find some special mirror or, even better, a joke to cheer up the cool cute girl you’ve been spending all your time with. She likes good anime and can argue better than you can and she’s clearly crazy over your stupid best friend who’s an idiot asshole for not seeing how goddamn awesome she is. He definitely doesn’t deserve her.

This is all his fault. He’s been whining about his stupid crush, and it drove everybody away. Liz refuses to talk to anyone (not that she really talked to you much anyway), Greg’s been kicked out (finally), and Stephanie hasn’t laughed at even your best jokes. Steve always talked big about being a badass leader – captain of a ship or lieutenant of a squad – and you always backed him up. But now he got the chance to show that all that gaming and all that hero worship meant something, and he flopped like a dead fish.

You study the next mirror. Like all the others, its frame is a dull metal – brass or something, probably. You’re no metal expert (you’re more a classic rock guy). The dim light projected by your Digital Display bounces off the reflective surface, but it dies out after a few feet. This isn’t it either.

Maybe you’ll just stop. You did kind of abandon your own quest. Sure, it was kind of impossible, but you could give it another shot. You’re not exactly doing anything useful here.

-- bebopBelter [BB] began badgering anonymousAdvisor [AA] –-

BB: yo BB: you there weird dude AA: I am always here, Mister Stelios. BB: i think im going back to my world BB: were not getting anything done here AA: I’m afraid that no longer matters. BB: huh AA: Mister Garrison has finally begun the final preparations. AA: Your game is coming to an end. BB: what AA: You have spoken to Miss Orrin. You are familiar with the concept of doomed timelines. BB: yea BB: she said when we make a mistake we stop being the alpha and all end up dying AA: Correct. And your course is finally set. BB: shit BB: did steve fuck everything up BB: i fucking knew it BB: im going to kick his ass AA: No, Mister Stelios. AA: This has always been your doing. AA: As Prince of Light, you have always been your own worst enemy. At every step, you have sabotaged yourself and your compatriots, and it is now beyond repair. BB: bullshit BB: i didnt do anything AA: Shall I lay it all out for you? AA: This all began that fateful Tuesday. AA: Steve had requested you as his server player. Due to your negligence, he was forced to contact Mister Carsten, who demanded a boon in exchange. AA: Mister Carsten demanded the payment of that boon in the form of a return to communication between himself and Miss Orrin, which Mister Garrison facilitated. AA: This led to the two lovebirds reconciling with a kiss, an event Mister Garrison witnessed. It pushed him over the edge and gave him the motivation necessary to put an end to this failed session. BB: your lying BB: theres no way thats my fault AA: I am far from finished. AA: Your unreliability required Miss Nestore to provide you with a compressed version of the software necessary to transport you to the Medium. AA: This manifested as a slight quirk in the operation of the Phernalia Registry; you were able to do something you should not have been allowed. BB: i sold the alchemiter AA: Had you the Alchemiter, you would not have found your personal quest impossible. Your arrogance would have been tempered, and you would have discovered the necessary components to finish your anthropomorphic vehicle. AA: Your quest would have been successful, and you would now be capable of preventing Mister Garrison from erasing you from existence. BB: no BB: your fucking full of shit AA: And I am still not finished. AA: The guardians who raised you and your friends woke you on Prospit and Derse with my aid. AA: They should have waited for Miss Orrin to enter the Medium and focused on her first. AA: Instead, your grandfather feared your unrestrained temper and chose to abandon my suggested order. He insisted on waking you immediately in an attempt to give you counsel. AA: This led to his battle with one of the agents of Derse. His victory inspired your guardians to meddle in Dersite affairs. The Derse royal guard was placed on alert, making them capable of intercepting and injuring Mister Carsten’s father. AA: Now Mister Carsten and Miss Orrin are on Derse staging a rescue instead of blocking Mister Garrison on the Land of Salts and Sonance. AA: The Prince is a dangerous class, fit only for one who can channel its destructive power for benefit rather than harm. AA: The Light aspect is among the most powerful, governing chance and opportunity. AA: A team with a Prince of Light needs him to be extremely competent, or he will bring them to ruin. AA: You are a failure, Mister Stelios, and you have cost your friends everything. AA: I suggest you simply wait for Mister Garrison to fix your mistakes as he always does. AA: It will not be long before he wipes this slate clean, and paradox space can forget what an utter and abysmal failure you are.

-- anonymousAdvisor [AA] blocked bebopBelter [BB] --

You…

You…

You did it again, didn’t you?

He’s right. You fucked everything up. And Steve’s going to abandon everyone to try to fix it. And he’s probably right.

You’re just going to sit here and wait for the world to end.

[collectivestuck-blog]

49

You are legitimately going insane.

For the first few days of your imposed exile, you handled yourself well. Having a goal helped; you spent hours analyzing the structure and mechanisms behind the Forge. Your Sylladex is crammed full of diagrams detailing its inner workings. Once you understood the layout of the volcano, you began drawing up blueprints for a device that would ignite it. Inside, at the bottom of the funnel, is a blast door that radiates heat. The magma must be trapped behind it. There are no clear operational mechanisms to open the door, so you’ll have to rip it off through force. Unfortunately, none of the robots you’ve designed have enough torque to do the job, and you don’t have enough in the way of raw materials anyway.

By the time you came to the conclusion that you lacked the means to solve your problem alone, you had been abandoned for a week. Tiffany and Liz still had you blocked, and Tiffany hadn’t done anything as your server at all. Steve has refused to answer any messages either. At point you went so far as to strike up a conversation with ButlerBot. He’s probably the worst conversationalist ever, though – all he does is agree with everything you say and offer you tea that he doesn’t have.

For week two, you decided to try a new approach to the Forge problem. If you didn’t have the necessary equipment, you’d just have to fabricate it. Your unparalleled intellect immediately discerned the best method of doing so was to crack the code behind the captcha cards. You would just figure out how the eight-character codes correlated to the objects they represented, and then you could alchemitize anything. First, you went on a two-day hunting binge, slaughtering imps to build up your grist cache. You then sat down and started cracking. Your room is now full of pointless items, often composed of multiple things jammed into each other in defiance of the laws of physics.

It’s been more than three weeks now, and all you’ve been able to determine is that the captcha system makes no goddamn sense.

GREG: This is all your fault. BUTLERBOT: Yes, sir. I am a disappointment.

That was the most stimulating conversation you’ve had in nearly a month.

Legitimately insane.

You rub your eyes, shadowed by dark rings. The first night, when you fell asleep here and woke up on Derse, you tried to find the dream selves of the other two. Something crazy had been happening there, though, and both other towers were empty. The few Dersites that would talk to you only stuttered something about a team of monsters killing off royalty before dashing off into hiding. You haven’t slept much since then. There’s no point.

The clock on your HUD says it’s time to try opening the lines of communication again. Every day, you check BadgerBud to see if you’ve been unblocked. After the second week, you lost all hope. It’s routine, though, so you give it another try.

Nope.

Hell, at this point, you’ll even talk to James.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering bebopBelter [BB] --

AA: James. BB: just fucking great BB: im busy here AA: Please. BB: no BB: fuck off

-- bebopBelter [BB] blocked audaciousArchitect [AA] --

This is it, then.

You’re going to die here, alone, a complete and utter failure. You’ll never accomplish your assigned task, you’ll never learn the point of all this. You’ll never get to apologize to Tiffany.

GREG: This is… BUTLERBOT: All my fault, yes, sir. May I make up for it with crumpets? GREG: No. GREG: This is all my fault. GREG: I wasn’t charming enough. I’m supposed to be smooth. I should have been able to talk her out of it. BUTLERBOT: As you say, sir. Might I suggest a drink to calm your nerves? GREG: …Is that really it? BUTLERBOT: Of course it is, sir. GREG: …I just wanted what was best for everyone.

Your throat is starting to hurt. You haven’t talked this much in a month.

GREG: I had to be the example that Steve needs. GREG: I had to be the prize Tiffany wants. GREG: They needed me to be better than them so they could aspire to greatness. BUTLERBOT: And you are great, sir. GREG: …I’m not, am I? GREG: It’s all an act. GREG: I’m a cocky asshole who needs to push people around. GREG: I… GREG: I drove away all my friends. BUTLERBOT: Indeed, sir. GREG: And now none of them will talk to me at all.

…Wait. That’s not entirely true.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering intenseImpressionist [II] --

AA: Stephanie. II: what AA: Can I please ask you something? II: no II: were busy AA: You and Steve? II: me and james II: were working on my quest AA: Please. I need to talk to Tiffany, and she won’t speak to me. II: no II: go away AA: Please. I’ll do anything. II: then do me a favor and go away AA: …Okay.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] ceased badgering intenseImpressionist [II] --

And your last hope dwindles away.

…

…

A favor.

Favor!

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] --

AA: Steve. AA: I know you’re there. AA: If you don’t respond, I will exercise my power as your server. AA: I’ll drop something on you. SS: You know, I was really enjoying not being bothered you for a month. SS: I was talking to an AA who didn’t constantly tell me how terrible I was. SS: It was great. AA: Steve. I need to talk to Tiffany. SS: No. SS: She and I have actually had enjoyable conversations lately. SS: You didn’t come up in them at all. AA: Steve. I’m sorry. AA: I was an ass. AA: Now please, tell her to talk to me. SS: Ha! SS: If you think I’m going to believe that, you’re an idiot. AA: …Please, Steve. Accept my apology. SS: No. AA: …I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. AA: I’m calling in my favor. SS: What? AA: When I agreed to be your server, you promised me a boon of my choice. AA: This is it. Get Tiffany to contact me. SS: … AA: You owe me, Steve. You know you do. SS: … AA: Are you the kind of guy who would go back on your word? SS: …I hate you. SS: I fucking hate you. SS: Hold on.

--

…Did it work?

-- equineEngineer [EE] began badgering audaciousArchitect [AA] --

EE: greg? AA: Tiffany. AA: Please listen. AA: I have been an ass. AA: I have been terrible to you and to Steve. AA: I have done nothing but hurt both of you. AA: And I am sorry. AA: Please. AA: Can we be friends again? EE: … EE: :O!!! EE: do you really mean that? AA: I do. AA: You were right. I needed time alone to see how big a dick I really was. AA: I’m sorry. EE: greg! EE: i am so glad to hear that! EE: tbh EE: i really missed you! ;) AA: I missed you too. EE: ive been telling steve that i wished you would come back AA: …Really? EE: uh huh EE: we should build you up to the gate so you can come here EE: im gonna give you the biggest hug ;) AA: …I haven’t completed my quest yet. I can’t light the Forge. EE: maybe i can help with that AA: I’ve been trying to reverse-engineer the captcha code for an explosive that would set off the volcano, but the system is utterly impossible. EE: ill check another timeline and see if i can find something AA: …Excuse me? EE: okay EE: i have the code for the bomb you need EE: ready? AA: …How did you get that? EE: its kind of complicated EE: ill tell you when you get here AA: Okay. Give me the code. EE: kabooom! AA: … EE: thats the code AA: …

--

You smack your face so hard it leaves a mark.

--

AA: Okay, I’m making the explosive now. AA: Yes, this is exactly what I’m looking for. EE: told you :) AA: Let me go set it up.

--

You stash the timebomb in your Sylladex and start climbing the volcano. Early on you figured out the quickest path, so it doesn’t take you long. You set the timer, take careful aim, and chuck the bomb at the blast door.

Then you run like hell.

The Forge erupts brilliantly, lava launching into the air before draining down the multitude of pipes and grooves down the face of the volcano. As it seeps down, the machinery around starts to whir.

--

EE: woah! EE: all the factory parts are starting AA: They must be thermal powered. Lighting the Forge activated the whole planet. EE: and look! EE: frogs!

--

All of the sealed compartments you’ve been seeing in the ground are opening as the machinery hums to life. Frogs of all shapes and sizes leap out, croaking at each other.

--

AA: This is part of my quest too. EE: i know EE: come through the gate EE: i have an idea for how to make it easier AA: Alright. EE: greg EE: im so glad youre back ;) AA: I am too.

[collectivestuck-blog]

47

Okay, this was not your best idea.

Luckily, the giant robots don’t seem to want to chase you into the ruins of this city, so you have a chance to catch your breath. You’re still trapped in a crumbling building by a pair of enormous mechanized monsters, but you don’t have to worry about dying immediately. Just if you try to move.

Your goddamn stupid automail arm doesn’t have enough power to hurt them directly, and you don’t have anywhere near enough grist to try to transmute one. There probably isn’t enough grist in the world. So now you’ve pissed off two giant robots and got nothing out of it. Great job, dumbass.

-- bebopBelter [BB] began badgering intenseImpressionist [II] --

BB: uh BB: hey II: what BB: i BB: uh BB: need some help II: what did you do BB: turns out i suck II: what a surprise BB: these mecha are about to kick my ass BB: i need a rescue II: Ill see what I can do

--

You hunker down. The ground shakes each time one of them takes a step. This was a really fucking bad idea.

Where is your fucking sprite right now? You really need something to punch, and the asshole who suggested that you need to fight things the size of buildings sounds like a good target. There is no way this is what you’re supposed to be doing. Imps? Sure. You can even take some of those big ones. But this is goddamn ridiculous.

The hell? Now you’ve got a weird message.

-- anonymousAdvisor [AA] began badgering bebopBelter [BB] --

AA: Hello, Mister Stelios. I understand that you’re in need of assistance. BB: uh BB: who the hell are you AA: A friend. One capable of solving the predicament in which you find yourself. BB: um BB: dude i dont know who you think are BB: but im kind of fucking busy now BB: go troll somebody else AA: My my. AA: I would be surprised at your stubbornness if I didn’t know everything. AA: Very well. Allow me to make a token gesture of goodwill.

--

All of a sudden the ground stops shaking. Hesitantly, you peer out of your decaying hiding hole.

The giant robots are gone. Like they were never there in the first place. In fact, the only way you can be sure they were is because there are still giant footprints stomped into the ground.

--

BB: what the fuck AA: As I said, I am a friend. BB: you did that AA: Indeed. BB: uh BB: thanks BB: how the hell did you do that AA: I possess many talents. BB: okay weird dude BB: what do you want AA: I want the same as you. My aim is the completion of your quest and the success of you and your friends. BB: sweet BB: your here to help me fight these giants AA: Is that what you think you must do? AA: Oh dear. BB: thats what my sprite said BB: i gotta build the biggest mecha ever and fight some evil asshole AA: That’s among the most preposterous things I’ve heard. BB: yeah BB: thats what i said AA: No, your goal is ascend through both Gates here on your planet. BB: oh BB: why AA: The first Gate will lead you to the second, which will transport you to the planet of your server player. BB: oh BB: then what AA: You shouldn’t worry about events that far down the road. AA: What matters most is that you and Miss Nestore meet, and you aid her in her quest. BB: uh BB: you just said my quest was stupid BB: isnt hers pointless too AA: She is a special case. It is absolutely imperative that you help her complete her assigned task. BB: if you say so dude AA: I do. AA: Ascend through the second Gate, Mister Stelios. AA: You and Miss Nestore have an important duty together. BB: what

-- anonymousAdvisor [AA] ceased badgering bebopBelter [BB] --

That was weird. Really weird.

Well, you can’t really complain. You’re not in danger anymore, and you have a quest that sounds a hell of a lot more doable. And honestly, you wouldn’t mind spending more time with Stephanie. She’s actually pretty cool.

--

BB: hey BB: nm on that rescue BB: some weird dude helped me out II: okay BB: and he said we gotta meet up BB: im going back to my house and going thru the gate BB: when we find the next one itll take me to you BB: then i help you with your quest thing II: okay II: sounds good BB: sweet BB: thanks

-- bebopBelter [BB] ceased badgering intenseImpressionist [II] --

[collectivestuck-blog]

42

-- bebopBelter [BB] began badgering intenseImpressionist [II] –

BB: bojangles II: what BB: your not getting a tip II: huh BB: cause i need some service here II: oh II: what do you need BB: whatever a servers supposed to do BB: steve says you like build my house or something II: oh II: yeah I guess I can II: do you have grist BB: my grist cache is fatter than gregs head II: okay

--

While she starts, you turn back to what you were doing. Your sprite managed to take down a giant mecha (how he did that you still don’t know, but you suspect by yelling), and you’re trying to see how all the pieces fit together. The wolves are helping, sniffing around and sorting with their dexterous paws. You’re getting flashbacks to the Lagann Incident. The smell of glue still makes you cringe, and you never did find all the pieces.

--

BB: woah II: huh BB: you changed my house II: yeah II: easier to build this way BB: is that sukiya style II: yeah BB: awesome BB: looks like something out of niigata II: its based on the katsura imperial villa BB: badass

--

It occurs to you that you don’t actually know all that much about your server. You really know her through Steve; he’s kind of always been the glue that holds all of you together.

--

BB: hey steph BB: whats your favorite anime II: fma II: but the manga is better BB: yeah BB: way better pacing BB: and the fuckin foreshadowing BB: like call backs to the first fuckin chapters II: arakawa-san is a great writer BB: fuck yeah II: hey II: you use glovekind right BB: yeah BB: probably need a new one soon BB: i gotta fight all these mecha II: maybe you can make an automail arm BB: shit BB: thats a fuckin great idea

--

You head back inside and start rummaging around. At times like this you wish you had a better organizational system, but you tend to sort your possessions into kickass shows and everything else. Since you only watch kickass shows, this poses a rather large problem. Finally, you find what you were looking for and head over to the Alchemiter.

DVD && Glove = FULLMETAL FINGERGUARD

You flex, feeling the steel shift to match your movements. Tiny plates overlap to let your wrist move, and you throw an experimental punch. When you turn your arm over, you can see a small keypad and display on the underside. You play with it for a moment. The display has room for eight letters or numbers. Time for a test.

- asspizza -

Hehe. Classic.

You move to head back outside, but your foot catches on something and you lose your balance. To steady yourself, you grab the nightstand.

Your fingers are covered in cheese when you lift them. A chunk of grist was removed from your cache, and the top of your nightstand has been converted into a large deep-dish pizza – one with a crack down the middle. Confused, you captchalog it. You turn the card over. Sure enough, on the back – “asspizza”.

Dear god.

You have created the greatest thing ever.

--

II: hey BB: holy shit BB: this glove BB: i think i can make anything II: Im almost out of grist and I havent reached the gate II: Im going to take some from our slopbox BB: wait BB: can you sell the alchemiter and that other shit II: I dunno II: why BB: i dont need it anymore BB: this fucking glove II: uh II: I think thats a bad idea BB: nah BB: im telling you

--

You plug in the code for your Moonwalker’s Mitt and touch a busted old headset, turning it into a spare glove.

--

BB: i got this II: okay II: if youre sure

--

The cursor pops in over your head and lifts the Alchemiter. It disappears, and your grist cache swells.

--

II: huh II: I didnt think that would work II: well thats enough II: Ill finish BB: sweet BB: im gonna go exchange some equivalence on some fucking giants

-- bebopBelter [BB] ceased badgering intenseImpressionist [II] --

[collectivestuck-blog]

32

SHONENSPRITE: SENSEEEEI! SHONENSPRITE: I FOUND THESE GUYS BEING PICKED ON BY A COUPLE OF JACKASSES SHONENSPRITE: SO I SET THEM STRAAAAAAIGHT!

Your sprite finally came back. In the distance, you can see the wreckage of giant robots and enormous corpses. He’s escorting a trio of large wolves, all of which are walking on their back legs. As your sprite floats before them, he keeps giving menacing glares to dark corners and clenching his fists. The wolves themselves seem surprisingly meek, almost more like domesticated dogs than wild beasts.

JAMES: Uh, okay. SHONENSPRITE: WE’VE GOT TO KEEP THEM SAAAAAFE! JAMES: Uh, why? SHONENSPRITE: SO THOSE JACKASSES CAN’T HURT THEM! SHONENSPRITE: IF SOMEONE TRIES TO HURT MY FRIENDS, I’LL KILL THEEEEM! JAMES: Dude, can you stop shouting? SHONENSPRITE: NO!

You sigh and regard the wolves. They stare back at you with yellow eyes, seeming confused and afraid. Their paws lack claws, though they look more dexterous than a normal animal. One of them opens its mouth, letting a long tongue slip out between its teeth.

JAMES: What are they? SHONENSPRITE: THEY’RE MY FRIEEEEENDS! SHONENSPRITE: AND THEY WANT TO BE YOUR FRIENDS TOO! JAMES: Uh, okay. SHONENSPRITE: THEY’RE REALLY IMPORTANT FOR YOUR PERSONAL QUEST! JAMES: My what? SHONENSPRITE: THOSE JACKASSES HAVE REALLY FUCKED THIS PLACE UUUUP! SHONENSPRITE: IT’S UP TO YOU AND I TO KICK SOME ASS AND FIX IT! JAMES: Wait, we have to fight those giant things? SHONENSPRITE: YES! SHONENSPRITE: THAT’S NOT YOUR QUEST, BUT WE STILL HAVE TO DOOOO IT! JAMES: Then what’s my quest? SHONENSPRITE: THEY ALL SERVE THE DENIZEN OF THIS WORLD! SHONENSPRITE: HE BUILDS THEM FROM THE SCRAP OF THE HOME OF MY FRIENDS! SHONENSPRITE: IF WE WANT TO CLEAN UP THIS WORLD, WE HAVE TO BUILD OUR OWN MACHINE TO DEFEAT HIM! SHONENSPRITE: ONE-ON-ONE COMBAT FOR THE FATE OF THE WOOORLD! JAMES: …You want to build a mecha to fight some sort of evil mastermind? SHONENSPRITE: IT’S OUR DESTINY! NO ONE ELSE CAN DO IT! JAMES: Uh… I can’t even build a model that doesn’t fall apart. SHONENSPRITE: YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! SHONENSPRITE: I BELIEVE IN YOOOOOU!

This is fucked up.

SHONENSPRITE: THERE IS A FOUNDRY WE CAN USE! SHONENSPRITE: WE’LL USE ALL THE SCRAP WE MAAAAKE! JAMES: Uh… JAMES: If you say so, dude. SHONENSPRITE: COME OOOON! SHONENSPRITE: LET’S KICK SOME ASS!

If you’re going to fight giant robots, you’re probably going to need better gear. While the gloves you’ve made so far seem to be extremely strong, they probably aren’t enough to take on something that tough. You could use some help inventing something good.

Unfortunately, Steve appears to be busy. You’re not going to try bothering Stephanie again.

Well…

He did offer to give you alchemy advice. And he’d be the one who would know how to build a giant mecha.

-- bebopBelter [BB] began badgering audaciousArchitect [AA] –

BB: uh BB: yo AA: James. This is a surprise. BB: yeah BB: hey can i ask you something AA: Is it important? BB: dunno BB: my sprite says i have to fight these giants BB: and i dont think my gloves are good enough AA: Really now. AA: I had hoped that at least one of you would be smart enough to realize that I should be directing our efforts. AA: But I must admit, you were at the bottom of that list. AA: I expected you to continue bumbling along until Steve bailed you out.

--

Deep breaths. There’s no point in getting angry.

--

AA: Well, at least you came to your senses. AA: As I requested, I’ll need a list of your available resources as well as the results of your previous alchemy attempts. BB: fine

--

You make a list of the objects in your Sylladex and your room, and you include the couple of alchemies you made.

--

AA: …Really? AA: This is it? BB: yeah BB: why AA: …Well. This is going to be a challenge.

--

Deep, deep breaths. You won’t get angry. You refuse to get angry.

--

BB: whats that supposed to mean AA: Nothing. BB: bullshit BB: your insulting my stuff AA: The dreck you chose to keep in your room is none of my concern.

--

Deep-

Fuck this.

--

BB: okay fuck you BB: im not going to sit here and listen to you insult me BB: your a giant asshole BB: i dont know why anyone talks to you BB: fuck your stupid powerhungry ass BB: i dont need your fucking help BB: no one does BB: go BB: fuck BB: yourself

-- bebopBelter [BB] blocked audaciousArchitect [AA] --

Fuck that asshole! He’s the biggest dick you’ve ever met! Why doesn’t he come and say that shit to your face? You’ll beat the fucking smirk off his goddamn face and shut your fist so far down his throat he’ll shit out fingernails! If you could go back and leave him to get his fucking ass crushed by meteors, you goddamn would!

You can feel your blood pressure skyrocketing. All the calming techniques your granddad taught you have quietly left your head. The ordinary apathy you use as a mask evaporates, leaving the seething rage that always sits just behind your thoughts.

You don’t need his fucking help. If a douchebag like him can figure out how to make a robot, you can make one a million times better.

Right now you really need to punch something.

JAMES: Hey spiky asshole. SHONENSPRITE: SENSEEEEEI! JAMES: Let’s go fuck up some giants.

[collectivestuck-blog]

22

You finish with a smooth spin, letting the grist shower down on you. Man, you’re slick. You’ve already climbed your Echeladder from DIMESTORE DAIMYO all the way to SUBURBAN SHOGUN. Now your Ceramic Porkhollow is a proper Wall Street executive – a fat capitalist pig.

Having reaped all these spoils, you figure it’s time to upgrade your duds.

Shonen DVD || Jacket = BLEACHED BATTLEROBE

Now you’ve got a sweet black kimono with white trim. Sure, you feel a little empty wearing it, but it makes you look badass. You’re totally keeping this.

It’s been a while since you heard from any of your friends. Liz probably still needs time. Having your entire worldview completely broken probably needed more than an hour to fix.

You should see if Stephanie is there. You’ve got more grist than you know what to do with; maybe you can share it with everybody else, balance out your capitalist swine with a little distribution of wealth.

-- bebopBelter [BB] began badgering intenseImpressionist [II] –

BB: yo BB: you there BB: hey steph II: go away BB: uh BB: did i do something II: just go away BB: ok

-- bebopBelter [BB] ceased badgering intenseImpressionist [II] --

Huh. Well, she always was weird.

No Liz, and no Stephanie. You could try contacting Greg, but that would mean talking to Greg.

-- bebopBelter [BB] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] –

BB: yo SS: Hey dude. BB: you gotta check my sweet new robe SS: Pssch. I can beat that. I’ve got an awesome coat and the best staff. BB: is it sharp SS: No, it’s a staff. BB: good BB: if it was you might cut somebody and give them a staff infection SS: …I hate you. BB: lol BB: dude i have all this grist BB: what do i do with it SS: I’m trying to find that out too. SS: My stupid sprite refuses to give me a straight answer. BB: yeah mine kept yelling BB: then it wanted to go fight all these giants BB: havent seen it in a while SS: Okay. Look up in the sky over your house.

--

You glance up from the image projected over your fist. There’s a green circle way up in the air. As you squint, you realize it’s not a circle, but the same spirograph symbol from the game’s loading screen.

--

BB: huh BB: the fuck is that SS: Apparently it’s a Gate. There are seven if I understand this idiot correctly. SS: We have to build our way up to them. Then something about a final battle and… SS: Ugh. Stupid sprite keeps rambling about chocobo breeding. I’m pretty sure we don’t have to do anything like that. It’s probably some obscure sidequest we do to get the best weapons or something. BB: good BB: only reason id be breeding giant birds is for giant drumsticks BB: open my own restaurant BB: colonel stelios SS: Bojangles. BB: thats my line SS: Anyway, you should talk to Stephanie about starting to build. BB: tried BB: she wont talk to me SS: That’s weird. I just talked to her and she seemed okay. SS: I guess try talking to Liz then. She’s started earning grist, so maybe she can build. BB: is she better now SS: I think so. BB: cool BB: ill get on that

-- bebopBelter [BB] ceased badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] --

[collectivestuck-blog]

13

-- intenseImpressionist [II] began badgering bebopBelter [BB] –

II: hey BB: yo BB: steve says your going to be my server II: yeah BB: i hope you went to school on butler island cause shits going to be hard BB: i cant download any faster II: I zipped it II: Ill send you a link BB: does that work BB: it wont make my game work weird will it II: dunno II: but its better than being crushed by a meteor BB: your right BB: like a republican congress II: ... BB: sorry II: badger me when its done II: I have to deal with imps BB: what

-- intenseImpressionist [II] ceased badgering bebopBelter [BB] --

[collectivestuck-blog]

6

A boy sits at a desk in his bedroom.

Your name is JAMES STELIOS.

You have arranged your room around your massive television set. Alongside your bed is a comfortable chair, both facing the TV from across the room. The desk you’re currently using rolls up to the chair so you can work in front of it. When you aren’t using it, the desk slides under your window.

The television is your pride and joy. You saved all of the money from your summer job bagging groceries to be able to get such a fantastic set. It’s perfect for your interests. You love LONG-RUNNING JAPANESE ANIMATIONS, buying enormous boxed sets to watch on your beautiful television. The computer your father bought you uses the set as its monitor, and your primary form of entertainment and expression is creating MUSIC VIDEOS from footage of your favorite shows.

Music is your passion. You’re a prominent member of the SCHOOL CHOIR, and you’ve even arranged the set for one of your show competitions. While your team didn’t win, you did get recognition for your upbeat, unexpected song selection. In order to record and mix songs, you own a STUDIO-QUALITY HEADSET. Both the microphone and earpieces were carefully selected to produce the finest sound possible.

Right now, you’re splicing together a video from the latest series to earn your obsession. It’s so great that you ordered a new Strife Specibus. Instead of your old FISTKIND, you now use GLOVEKIND, just like your anime hero. You wear a fingerless glove on your right hand at all times. It earns you some odd looks at school, and your best friend Steve says you’re more likely to knock someone out with its smell than with a punch.

In the background, you’re downloading the beta for a game Steve wants to play. You were going to play it now, but you completely forgot to start the download before heading to school. This isn’t the first time you’ve inconvenienced him; you have a tendency to act without thinking that gets the two of you into trouble. Thankfully, your best friend is always there to bail you out.

He’s probably playing it now. Maybe you’ll see how it’s going.

Your BadgerBud brobriquiet is bebopBelter, and you don’t really care about things like grammar.

-- bebopBelter [BB] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] –

BB: hey BB: hows the game SS: … SS: You know how I don’t curse? BB: yeah BB: kinda weird man BB: like you have anger issues or something BB: and id know SS: Go outside and look the fuck up. BB: uh BB: ok

--

You stick your cell phone in your Sylladex and head down the stairs. Much to the annoyance of your friends,  you use the Pun Fetch Modus. In order to retrieve anything, you have to make a terrible play on words related to the object you want. The worse the joke, the greater the velocity at which the object is expelled. You’ve become so practiced at groan-inducing jibes that you once scythed down a tree using a single tennis ball. (“It’s not that I can’t juggle. I just don’t have the balls.”)

You step out onto your street. Most of your neighbors are retired, so your block is always silent. The houses are well-maintained, all a uniform shade of gray. Each lawn is kept pristine and precisely level. One of your neighbors on the community associate board is anal about appearances. You’ve got an assload of puns in your pocket waiting for an opportunity for that.

You glance up.

Slack-jawed, you mumbled something about mitochondria, and your cell phone drops into your hand.

--

BB: shitshitshitshitshitshitshit SS: Yeah. There was one headed for my house too. BB: what the fuck do i do SS: We have to get you into the game. BB: hows a fucking game to stop a meteor SS: It takes too long to explain. Just trust me. BB: ok BB: youd better not be fucking with me SS: At a time like this? SS: Dude, I’ll screw around with you when our lives aren’t at stake. SS: Did you finish the download? BB: no BB: my shitty internet is too slow BB: and they call it sprint SS: We’ll figure something out. Just hang on.