In November 1983, Beta-Ray Bill (created by Walter Simonson) made his first appearance in Thor #337. After a battle aboard the spaceship Skuttlebutt, the mantle of Thor is passed from Doctor Blake to the alien known as Beta-Ray Bill. The issue also introduced the character Lorelei. ("Doom", Thor #337, event)
Anyone else hope Beta-Ray Bill shows up in the Marvel Cinematic Universe for the reason that it would be deeply amazing to see him inevitably end up as a Tumblr Husbando, and I mean that completely un-ironically?
Hela gave Felicia her orders. What she’d have to do for more. And Felicia would do anything for more.
Breaking into Avengers Mansion was child’s play. Spider-Man had actually brought her there once, showing off his reserve member status, or maybe as part of one of those huge bust-ups that got even fringers like Felicia involved. It was hard to remember. They fought, they fucked, Tony Stark looked cute. What else mattered?
So she already had the place scoped out, just from memory—not that she’d been planning to rob Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, but clearly it was a good habit to be in—and they hadn’t done much to upgrade their security since then. Maybe they’d built stronger forcefields and reinforced the walls, but nothing to make their access cards harder to spoof or their wires rougher to splice. She slipped in and through and around, coming to Thor’s room with the slow, steady progression that teased her anticipation to the breaking point.
It was there she got her first surprise in a night that was almost threatening to turn dull. She’d expected Thor, one of the little bonuses of the job being the hope of walking in on him as he slept. Not that she wanted to be too much of a creeper, but if she was going to be breaking in anyway, why not enjoy one of the perks?
When she got there, though, it wasn’t Thor she found in the king-sized bed. It was one of Peter’s friends. Beta-Ray Bill.
Abomination Foundry: Making Mine Marvel. Mine I Say! MINE!
EXCELSIOR TRUE BELIEVERS!
I’m stuck here in the middle of Earth-404 by the horrible nightmare of Marvel’s existential collapse, and I’ve decided to make gross moldy lemons to make bitter unpleasant lemonade by remaking the ALL NEW, ALL STUPID MARVEL UNIVERSE, copyright-law be damned! Though the names will be changed because copyright law deserves to be damned.
This will be done in Heromachine, the dollmaker-bane of Open Source Character Design but good for aesthetic shitposting!
Alright, let’s go, past the jump!
So, what is the first being in the Marvel Universe? Galactus of course!
Yes look it up if you don’t believe me, they were the first, made from a being from the previous universe who jumped into the Big Crunch and was told “Sorry, your universe is ending, but hey to make up for it here’s some cool Cosmic Vore powers!”
And, as a being from the end of the last universe, I figured any not-Galactus should be an advanced being! And what is more advanced than the deadly King Cobra? NOTHING! NOTHING I SAY! And since she’s a being that A) Mainly travels through space and B) Eats everything, I figured all she needs is head, arms to bring food towards head, and lots and lots of rockets!
I call her King Kirby, because lord knows Jack Kirby deserves more credit in our ALL NEW; ALL DIFFERENT MARVEL UNIVERSE! And yes, our not-Galactus is a girl now. They’re all girls now. EAT ME!
It’s said that the two main American artforms are rock-n-roll and comics, and since we’re already working on the latter, I think an updated Captain American deserves the former!
Meet Captain Rock-N-Roll, given AWESOME JUICE created by the only scientist awesome enough to create a soldier with the power of rock-n-roll several decades before rock-n-roll was invented to beat the living FUCK out of some nazis!
Then suddenly some asshole comic book writer whose name rimes with Sick Nencer came through time to try and change things so the Nazis won. The scientist was so busy punching him super hard in the dick that he didn’t notice his lab was on fire, and thusly only one copy of the AWESOME JUICE survived. It was given to a black woman because it was the only one it’d work on and also because it’d be really stupid and terrible if a white dude was the first rock-n-roll powered hero.
She was frozen post-World-War-II via being too cool for this world, but punched her way out out of sheer rage when post-Grunge was invented because FUCK POST-GRUNGE! She not only has all the peak-human abilities of classic-Cap, but also a shield with speakers that turn her HOT LICKS into defending/deadly soundwaves. And an also a guitar-gun because ROCK-N-ROLL MOTHERFUCKERS!
Okay, so Iron Man AKA Captain Privelege is a rich dude, and I think we can all agree FUCK RICH DUDES!
So our newest Iron Man would be poor as shit; a homeless lady sleeping in a junkyard that collapsed into the earth in an earthquake and saying FUCK THIS and building herself a robot-suit out of the crap she was trapped under.
Since she made it IN A CAVE-IN, WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS, I thought it should look like it; like junk that can punch you.
Hence her name, Junk Puncher. I see no alternate meanings to this that are comical or clever.
And boo hoo, Tony Stark has a heart problem, FUCK THAT! She lost her FUCKING LEGS in that cave in and replaced them with FUCKING SWEET ROBOT-LEGS! Which is also why she doesn’t have a secret-identity because YOU CAN’T HAVE A SECRET IDENTITY WITH FUCKIN SWEET ROBO-LEGS!
Okay, much like the Marvel Cinematic Universe I had almost no idea what the fuck to do with Hulk here, until I thought, The Hulk is based on id run rampant? So what’s a primally indulgent aesthetic filled with id run rampant? Furries!
Thusly, Yiff Hulk was born! Or Yiff for copyright-dodging short. She’s purple because the Hulk became green instead of grey due to printing grey in old comics being a massive pain in the dick; so I chose what is currently the most obnoxious color to print. Because RESPECT!
Her origin’s pretty much the same as regular-Hulk complete with traumatic childhood abuse by a shitty father except she was a huge furry beforehand. And also that her adventures are also very, very not safe for the Comics Code Authority. For obvious reasons.
For Hawkeye, the shitty Avenger nobody likes, I decided; you know what would make them more interesting? Being an actual hawk. And fuck that useless “arrows” bullshit, this is the 21st century, give her some big fuckin guns already! Call ‘em fuckin Gunbird!
This is likely even less faithful to the original character than everything else I’ve done, but the best part of it is, nobody gives enough of a shit about Hawkeye to care! Fuck that guy!
Oh. I had intended to make a Black Widow revamp, but this is just a Perfectly Normal Secret Agent Lady, who is definitely not thens of thousands of spiders in a trenchcoat lead by a singular “queen,” because the Russians did all sorts of wacky bullshit during the cold war. I don’t know what happened, but she turned out thoroughly unremarkable, so MOVING ALONG!
You know, in revamping Spider-Man, folks almost always go Cronenberg-style body-horror because spider or robots because Japan, but NOBODY’S DONE BOTH BEFORE, HAVE THEY?!
So, Petit Parnell-Ko was bitten by a radioactive robot spider, and through the power of NANOMACHINES SON she became an arthropod/robot abomination. All those guns shoot webbing, both in the “biologically-accurate” and the “not-gross” positions, and after her Aunt Benni died due to a deranged pro-wrestler she let pass, she realized “With great screaming body-horror powers comes great; horrifying responsibility” And thusly; Nightmareborg Hellspider was born!
You fuckin’ thought High School was bad? Well, it is, but it’s even worse when you’re a BIOMECHANICAL SPIDER NIGHTMARE, NO BULLSHIT SECRET IDENTITIES WE DEAL WITH PROBLEMS LIKE PROPER SCIENCE-ABOMINATIONS!
And yes she does get a robot, which by sheer coincidence is from space. Which I need to make in a later one of these.
And; finally, re-inventing Thor or Loki is kinda needless given they’re already public domain, albeit Thor would have to be more red-haired and muscular-Brian-Blessed-y. But you know who isn’t? Beta-Ray Bill.
If you don’t know who that is; it’s basically a fucked-up atheist space-horse-alien who yoinked Thor’s hammer to save his world, being one of the very few beings pure of heart enough to carry it, and who did such a good job that Odin made him his own hammer. Because comics are fucking awesome sometimes.
So, I made Gamma-Ray Guen, who is pretty similar in terms of backstory except I added more horse. And more cyborg. And instead of a hammer she gets the magical staff Spacebreaker/Brestaginnung because ODIN HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR ABOUT THESE THINGS, OKAY!
So, that’s all I did today, but I will make some villains, eventually! Or the X-Men or Fantastic Four I couldn’t be arsed to do. But first, I must go to do other things! Like working on the novella I am terrible about writing! Or probably something else!
And remember, while the exact images are the property of the Dollmaker-makers, the designs and concepts are free to use under a CC-BY license; with me Thomas F. Johnson credited as creator and the pics declared as a decent starting point!
Feel free to redesign/redraw them as done by an actual unique stylist not working with pre-made assets! Until then EXCELSIOR!
