That Goes Where? - JJ Maybank and John B Routledge
Parker gets her period, eleven-year-old John B and JJ learn how tampons work, and Big John regrets having children. Enjoy!
**A/N: I don't know what this is. The idea came to me after watching a TikTok and I had nothing better to do.**
JJ watched his best friend rummage through the bathroom doors, disappointed in how normal it became to follow John B into the bathroom.
"I know I left my fidget spinner in hear somewhere." John B said. JJ turned his nose up.
"Why was your fidget spinner in the bathroom?"
"Because that's where I fidget." John B said as though it made comment sense. Everyone know if your bored in the bathroom you fidget with your -- JJ wasn't going to finish that thought.
"Aha! Here it is--" John B paused, neon green fidget spinner hoisted in the air. "What is that?"
JJ took a step further into the bathroom. "What is what?"
John B pulled out a purple box filled with colorful wrappers and placed it on the counter. It looked like it should be in the freezer with the popsicles rather than hidden in a bathroom drawer.
"Tamp-oons." He read off the label. "What's a tampoon?"
"Sounds like a type of missile."
"That's a harpoon." JJ explained. He picked up the box and dumped out it contents, conveniently ignoring the paper instructions that fell out. "Let's open one of these up."
John B and JJ each grabbed a tampon, ripping open the plastic packaging to reveal more plastic. JJ imagined Kiara would lose her mind if she knew these existed.
"I knew it was a harpoon!" John B exclaimed exciting, pointing the plaster applicator at JJ's head. "Look, I can launch it at you!"
John B smacked the back of the applicator with his hand, launching a cotton missile at JJ. It bounced off his forehead and onto the floor.
JJ shook his head and picked up the cotton missile, examining it carefully. "No, it's too soft. Kind of like a cotton ball."
"Let me feel." John B reached for the tampon, pinching the string and dangling it in front of his eyes. "This is weird."
"Maybe it's a sea monkey? Or one of those sponges you put under water and it turns into a animal?"
Curious, John B ran the tampon under the sink, eyes widening as it tripled in size. "Woah."
"What shape is it?" JJ asked. John B held up the dripping wad of cotton.
"I think it's a square."
"Must be a dud." JJ opened his tampon up and ran it under water, only for it to do the same thing as John B's. He frowned, realizing they were no closer to understanding what these mysterious cotton missiles were.
"The box says absorpant." John B read off.
"You can read that?"
"It must mean these are meant for drying." John B concluded, ripping open another wrapper. "It's too small for my hands-- oh, I know!" John B's face lit up as he unraveled the cotton and placed it against his forehead. "It's gauze."
"What about the string?" JJ asked, tugging on the string dangling from John B's. Then, because it made the most sense, he opened up another one and stuck it in his nose. "It must be for nose bleeds."
"Or your mouth." John B said, sticking the tampon in his mouth. "You know, for when people get their wisdom teeth out?"
JJ laughed and stuck another tampon in John B's mouth. He looked silly, chewing on the cotton until it made a moist chewing sound.
"Oh my God!" Parker screamed from down the hall. Both John B and JJ turned around at the same time, tampons hanging from their noses, mouths, and ears.
"What are you doing?" Parker hissed. Her face had turned as red as a tomato, and JJ debated offering her a tampon in case she was about to start bleeding.
"Pwactizing fow wlen we git ohur wizdoom teef ohut." John B slurred. Parker shouted down the hall for her dad, who appeared a moment later and stared at the boys like they commited a grave crime.
"Oh my God," He muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Boys, take those out of your face holes."
"Why?" JJ asked. He pulled a tampon from his ear, now covered in yellow wax.
"Because when I tell you exactly where those go, you are going to regret ever touching them." Big John exclaimed. JJ nervously ripped the remaining two tampons from his nose as John B spat the saliva-covered ones into the garbage.
"God, I can never use one of those again!" Parker shrieked, storming into the living room.
---
"THAT GOES WHERE?" JJ exclaimed.
Big John had dragged all three kids to the living room and explained exactly what a "tampoon" is. In five minutes, he had appeared to age ten years, scrubbing a hand down his jaw.
"I can't believe I had to explain this to you." Big John muttered. He almost looked like he was going to cry.
"The box said nothing about girls putting them up their butts!" JJ shouted. Big John slapped a hand over his forehead with so much force the sound echoed throughout the entire house.
"I'm going to be sick," John B whined, his face as white as the butt blockers he had shoved in his mouth.
"I haven't used them." Parker was quick to explain. "And they don't go in the butt."
"Then where do they go?" John B asked. He too now looked like he was about to cry.
Parker glanced at her dad to explain it to the boys, but he shook his head. "You two can Google that."
