Hi.
It’s been a bit.
So, where have I been?
TW: I talk about a lot of triggering things.
I wish I could tell all of you that things improved, that I got what I wanted and that it was a happily ever after.
The truth is, that’s not the case at all.
In fact, I’m writing this after a crying fit of me sobbing and asking what the point to any of this is. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I just want closure.
Or maybe I’m just tired of fighting to be seen.
I left because I grew out of genshin, I fell out of love with the game and I stopped writing for a bit. I write in my own spare time, but it’s not about comfort or trying to create that feeling anymore. It’s all about how tired I am, how I’ve been hurt, how I don’t want to do this anymore. I think it’s best if that particular type of writing stays with me. No one really wants to read that.
I still love the characters. I still have affection for the game. I just stopped playing it so I found no passion in writing for it anymore. But the reason I stopped writing is because a person who I wasted two years on, pretending we were something more, SA’d me while I was high and then tried to turn it on me when they were found out. The idea of intimacy of any kind that involves me makes me feel physically ill. I can’t even write about my favourite character hugging me because I feel like I don’t deserve it. And maybe I don’t.
Currently, even though I have friends, I feel like I don’t have anyone who values me anymore. And it’s my own fault for some of them, not keeping up with communication does that. But for others, it’s just simply because someone else is more important. I do not feel important. To anyone.
I think I am possibly at my lowest. Maybe that’s why I’m writing this. Maybe it’s a kick in the ass to get better, or it’s something more final. I don’t really know yet. I just wanted to share what happened because I’ve had inboxes from my past readers, who tell me they’re happy and that my stories did something. Helped them. I felt like they deserved to know what happened.
To the few mutuals I had, I’ve missed you and I hope you’re doing well.
Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for myself.
- bunny.