About a month and a lot of research later, the couple made their way out to Windenburg to view a farmhouse on the island. The company Mallory worked for were interested in having someone there to study the island’s ecosystem, and Mallory seemed eager to take up the offer. She would be predominantly working from home, still by the beach, more space for plants, and a whole farm for them to grow together as a family. Walking up to the red farmhouse, she squeezed Penny’s hand in excitement. Once they had made it through the trees and could see the farm in its full glory, they both took in a deep breath in awe. It was gorgeous, red panelled walls contrasting with white painted woodwork and the rich green of the surrounding land. To the right of the main house, there was a natural pool, three greenhouses and a barn. On the left there were fields and a small work shed, and Penny was sure she could spot a treehouse peeking out from behind.
Fizzing with excitement, Mallory pulled Penny through the main gate, and they wandered around the property, still blown away. They reached a hay field at the back, and got a full view of the treehouse, and the mainland in the distance. Turning to face her wife, Mallory’s face was bright with a grin, her eyes practically sparkling. It was the happiest Penny had seen her in months.
“So what do you think?”
“It’s beautiful, Mal. I can really see us here.”
Pulling Penny in towards her, Mallory’s smile got even brighter, if that was possible.
“You really think that?”
“Yeah. I truly think this is what we need, as a family.”
Later that evening, the kids were spending some time at their neighbour’s house so that Mallory could have some quiet time alone with Penny after the events of the day. They sat together quietly looking over the creek that ran beside their house. Mallory leaned back into Penny, feeling safe and secure in her embrace, and Penny was content with Mallory’s body pressed up against her. Continuing to stare out across the creek, Mallory began to speak, her voice quiet and steady, a sign that she had been thinking hard about what she was about to say. “Penny, I was thinking. Could you come to therapy with me? Not all the time, just sometimes. I think it would help.”
Penny leaned forward to reply to her wife. “Of course I will. I want to help you any way I can.”
Mallory sighed at smiled, turning to place a gentle kiss on the side of Penny’s neck before turning back around and leaning into her.
Looking at her wife lying in that hospital bed, staring listlessly at the ceiling, Penny couldn’t help but think she looked so tiny. She walked over and sat down beside her, taking her hand in both of hers. Mallory shifted slowly onto her side, her eyes searching Penny’s face for a sign of reassurance.
“The doctor should be back soon with the test result soon, babe. Can I get you anything?”
Mallory shook her head ever so slightly. Her voice came out slightly shakily, like she was about to cry. “I just wanna go home.”
Penny reached out with one hand to cup her cheek in her hand. “I know, but we need to find out what happened so we can help you. Just a few more hours and I’ll take you home, okay? And your mum and Blaire are on their way too. We’re all going to be right here for you.”
They sat like that for almost half an hour until they heard the click of the door, signifying that the doctor was back in the room. Joy and Blaire had arrived too, but assured that Mallory was safe and feeling better, had gone to get something to eat at the cafeteria. Mallory drew in a sharp breath, and Penny instinctively squeezed her wife’s hand tighter.
“So, Mrs. Russell. You’ll be pleased to know what happened was nothing too sinister. All the tests came back normal, and you’ll have noticed that you’re almost back to your regular self. We think what happened was a panic attack. They’re usually a lot shorter than that, but that one probably went on for longer because you didn’t know what was happening, which made you panic more.”
Mallory felt a few tears escape, and she wasn’t sure if they were from relief, frustration, or anything else.
Penny’s head was filled with questions. Would this happen again? Is it dangerous? What does this mean for their family? As if the doctor could read her mind, she continued to speak.
“Now, it could very well have been an isolated incident, but it could also be an indicator of any number of things. There’s nothing we can really do at this point except send you home and advise you to rest up for the remainder of today.”
Mallory sat up slowly, removing her hand from Penny’s and wrapping her arms tightly around her knees. Penny looked at her, her face filled with concern. “Babe, what’s wrong?”
“I feel so stupid. I wasted everyone’s time for a stupid panic attack. It was nothing.”
Penny sat on the bed beside her and began rubbing her back in small circles. “Hey, you’re not stupid, and it wasn’t nothing. I'm just glad you’re okay now.”
The doctor smiled gently, running her hand through her hair. “You did the right thing calling for help and coming in. Panic attacks are very intense and they often feel like a heart attack. You wasted nobody’s time, like your wife said, what’s important is that you’re okay.”
Mallory nodded ever so slightly and adjusted her position so that she was curled up into Penny. The doctor handed Penny some papers and leaflets, stating that they should read them, given this could very well happen again. She then walked out of the room, saying she would be back soon with the discharge papers. A few minutes later, Joy and Blaire returned, and Penny filled them in on what the doctor had said.
The middle of the night, and Penny awoke to the sound of her wife breathing heavily, shaking and crying next to her. She was curled up into a tight ball, her arms shielding her face, and to Penny, it looked like a panic attack, but she was asleep. That was new. Reaching over to shake Mallory’s shoulder, she murmured softly, being careful not to wake her too quickly and startle her more.
“Hey, Mal. What’s wrong? Mal, wake up!”
Her breath quickened, shoulders rising with each shallow breath.
“Love, it’s just a bad dream. Please wake up”
Rolling over, Mallory’s eyes were wide with fear. Reaching out across the bed, Penny grabbed her wife’s hand, squeezing it tight.
“Hey, I’m here okay? Look at me, you’re safe, you’re home.”
Penny sat up slightly in bed, “hug?”
Wordlessly, Mallory shuffled across the bed, burying her face in Penny’s nightshirt. Pulling her close, she could still feel Mallory’s whole body shaking.
Rubbing her back, Penny whispered. “Hey, you’re okay, you’re safe. Hear my heartbeat? Just focus on that.”
They sat like that for almost 20 minutes, until Mallory’s breathing had almost returned to normal. Lifting her chin, she looked up at her wife.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Mallory shook her head gently, slowly sitting up. “Not now. In the morning. Just, hold me, please.”
Penny squeezed her tighter, letting out a deep sigh.
“I love you, but you deserve someone so much better than me.”
Wiping the tears from Mallory’s cheeks, Penny sighed. “Mal, I’m always going to love you. It doesn’t matter to me that you’re struggling, okay?”
“Please stop, you’re going to make me cry again!” Mallory let out a hiccupy-giggle, rubbing her eyes. “But seriously, I love you so much more because you’re willing to put up with my shitty brain.”
Deeply concentrated in her latest commission, it took a moment for Penny to register that her son had come home from school, crashing up the stairs, and was hopping up and down excitedly next to her. Hitting save on her document, Penny swiveled around in her chair, leaning forward on her knees to level herself with Noah.
“Hey, bouncy! What can I do for you?”
Ceasing his bouncing for a second, he grinned in excitement. “Can I go to the park on Saturday? With Mia and Harper and Cody? Can I, can I?
Penny laughed, placing her hands on his shoulders to get him to stand still. “I’m sorry sweetie, but I have to take Jenna to playgroup on Saturday, and I can’t let you go on your own.”
Noah looked down in disappointment for a second, before looking back up at Penny, a hopeful look on his face. “What about Mummy, could she take me?”
Penny took a second to consider how to answer the question. She wanted Noah to go and have fun with his friends, but at the same time, she didn’t want to put Mallory into a situation she wasn’t comfortable with. She hadn’t been further than the beach beside their house in months, and she certainly hadn’t been back to the park.
“I’ll have to ask her, yeah? Remember that Mummy sometimes finds it hard to go places without me?”
Noah nodded, placing a kiss on Penny’s cheek before running back down the stairs. Penny then picked up her phone to call the other parents, deciding to figure out the situation before saying anything to Mallory.
Walking up to the park, her hand wrapped tightly around Noah’s, Mallory took a deep, but shaky, breath. It’s just a park, she told herself. Nothing bad can happen. As soon as Noah spotted his friends on the roundabout, he took off, all four of them yelling out in joy at the prospect of the time together in the park. Mallory looked over to the picnic tables, spying Kate, Mia and Cody’s mum sitting watching them play. Okay, Kate. Kate is good. She picks Noah up from school when Penny can’t. When Penny had proposed the idea to her a few days ago, Mallory was wary initially. But, it was only an hour, and the only other adult would be Kate. One hour, one person. That wasn’t so bad, was it? Taking another deep breath, she walked over to the bench where her friend was sitting.
It was about half an hour later when Mallory felt that familiar tightness begin to build in her chest. Trying to focus on what Kate was saying to her, tapping her fingers against her thigh in an attempt to calm herself down. It seemed to work, and she let herself breath a small sigh of relief that she had avoided a panic attack.
It was about 10 minutes later that she heard the sound of an ambulance siren in the distance, and the tightness came rushing back to her, wrapping itself around her torso and squeezing tight. She focused on a flower over by the fence, taking deep breaths. It’s okay, you can do this. Her thoughts were interrupted by Kate’s slightly concerned voice.
“Hey, Mallory. You okay?”
Mallory’s head snapped back to look at Kate, taking a little longer than normal to form her reply. “Err, yeah. Could you, erm, watch Noah for me? I , erm, I need to call Penny.”
“Erm, sure. Are you sure you’re okay?”
Nodding, Mallory got up from the table suddenly, smacking her knee against the underside of the table in her haste to leave. Glancing back at Noah, she half walked, half walked to a quiet spot by the bathrooms, pulling her phone out of her pocket. Shaking hands tapped at the screen until the dialling tone came out, and she lifted the phone to her ear, willing Penny to pick up.
“Hey honey! Everything okay?”
“I - erm. No, not really.”
“Is Noah okay?”
Mallory nodded, then realising that Penny couldn’t actually see that, replied with a croaky “yes.”
“Mal, are you sitting down?”
“No?”
“Okay, find somewhere to sit down, then talk me through it.”
Seeing a bench just down the path, Mallory walked over carefully, sitting down and then leaning forward so her elbows were resting on her knees.
“I - I was getting panicked, I don’t know why, but I managed to bring myself out of it. But then I heard - I heard a siren somewhere, and then I couldn’t breathe. It feels like something is squeezing me.”
“Ahh. That must be scary, I can imagine. But, you got yourself out of a panic attack the first time, you can do it again. Remember your exercises. Deep breaths, I’ll count, okay?”
The next morning, Penny woke up to her alarm. Groaning, she rolled away from Mallory as gently as she could, turning off the incessant beeping. Seeing that Mallory still didn’t stir, she knew she was out for the count. Sliding her feet into her worn slippers, Penny padded into the kitchen, closely followed by two eager pets. She poured their food into their bowls, and then began to make up some milk formula for Jenna. Normally Mallory would feed her, but she needed the rest this morning. While she was waiting for it to cool, Penny clicked her tongue for their dalmatian, Frankie, to follow her to the bedroom. Patting the bed beside her wife, Frankie jumped up, lying down and resting her head on Mallory’s belly. Definitely no better way than to wake up with your dog curled up next to you.
About an hour later, Mallory wandered into the kitchen, smiling at the sight of Penny attempting to feed Noah, but Noah insisting he feed himself. Seeing her wife walk into the kitchen, Penny gave up on trying to feed Noah, accepting that the cereal would be carnage. Walking over to Mallory, she wrapped her in a tight hug. “Sleep well?” Mallory nodded gently, and looked up at her wife. Her face was still tired and thin, but she was slightly less pale.
“I’m glad. You need all the rest you can get.”
Mallory nodded again, looking over at Noah. A tiny giggle escaped her lips as she watched him accidentally flick cereal into his face with his spoon.
“He’s a lost cause, that boy”.
Penny chuckled in agreement, before moving Mallory away from her slightly so they could talk.
“Mal, I know you just woke up, but I really think you need to eat something. I don’t care when today, just a little something?”
Mallory nodded, looking out the window as she began to talk. “I haven’t been eating because I just feel sick all the time. I don’t think I can keep something down if I eat it. I haven’t tried, though...Maybe I should just try something and get it over with.”
Penny nodded. “I agree, better to eat something small now. How about a slice of toast and a glass of water? I’ll make your toast while you have a drink?”
Mallory unwrapped herself from Penny’s embrace, nodding in agreement as she took a glass from the cabinet, filling it with water and taking a tiny sip. When she heard the toaster pop, she sat down at the kitchen table as Penny buttered the toast, and then slid the plate across to Mallory. Taking a deep breath, Mallory searched for Penny’s encouraging smile before taking a tiny nibble of the slice of toast. Realising it wasn’t so bad, she continued to take small bites, somewhat distracted by the sight of Penny trying to clean up Noah and his cereal mess with little success.
She made it around halfway through the slice before her belly began to twist and turn, a wave of nausea washing over her. She rushed to lean over the kitchen sink, heaving and coughing, convinced the toast was going to come straight back up. Penny was instantly by her side, rubbing circles between her shoulder blades and pulling the mass of curly hair out of her face.
“I hate this. I hate this so much, it’s not fair.”
“I know, baby. But I’m so proud of you, you’re doing so well. You’ve barely eaten all week and you’re still not well. We have to take this slow, okay?”
Mallory nodded, exhausted all over again, her whole body aching. “I-I think we should call the doctor. I don’t think this is going to go away.”
Penny nodded, pulling her back in for a tight hug. Mallory pressed her forehead against her sternum, a few tears of frustration mixed with exhaustion and anxiety escaping her eyes.
“How ’bout I run you a bath? I’ll see if Aiden and Amber wouldn’t mind looking after the kids for a bit. Give us some peace and quiet so we can talk, try and get you some help?”
Mallory nodded, reaching up to kiss Penny on the cheek. “Thank you.”
“No need to thank me. I just want you to get yourself back, yeah?”
