Jun 20, 2021
빈첸 (VINXEN) - 늘 [Music Video]
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빈첸 (VINXEN) - 늘 [Music Video]
I HURT MYSELF WITH LOVING YOU
(italics are flashbacks)
It horrified you , hurt you that to think after all these years of your unconditional staying beside him he would think that. Not once have you ever thought of leaving him for your own happiness. Your HAPPINESS IS HIM. He is the reason for your smile. If you wanted someone else you have long left his side for your own personal gain, but no! you can’t do that. You can’t even imagine leaving him.
The first time you two ever fought was when you had tried to warn him of the girl he was dating a few years ago. You couldn’t really do anything, she was what’s making him happy and if happy was HER you’ll try your hardest and best to be happy for HIM.
‘I think I love her..” Byungjae said with a smile on his face that you have seen rarely. He smiled often with you but the smile he had was different from how he smiles with you .. No, this was a smile showing that he might have found he person he would love continuously in the future and you felt a pang in your heart but disregarded it. Byungjae’s your friend… BEST FRIEND even.
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It has been weeks since you last spoken to Byungjae. He had finally gathered up the courage to ask Seomin out and she agreed. To say she wasn’t hurt would be a lie . She was hurt. DEEPLY HURT but she can’t do anything but be the best friend she needs to be for Byungjae. She supported him in whatever he wanted.
Seomin was out of town and Byungjae finally asked her out for a day to hangout as he has not seen much of her ever since getting together with Seomin. He was happy he was finally going to spend some time with his best friend. (y/n) was happy that she finally got to spend time with him. They were currently in her apartment just lounging on her couch after very intense round of playing games and were now finally taking a rest and just basking in the comfortable silence between him and her and the apartment.
“You know…” she trailed as he hummed egging her to continue “I .. haven’t seen you much.. I guess Seomin has got wrapped huh ?” she mumbled softly not intending anything bad on her statement but to Byungjae it meant a lot different. It seemed like you hated the idea and where saying something else.
“What do you mean?” Byungjae raised a brow at her “Well unlike you , Seomin is a very outgoing person and actually keeps me on my feet and lets me enjoy the joys of going out. What about you ? Just lounging around this dimmed and dull apartment of yours given to you by god-knows-who your parents are..” He stood up and left her apartment in a haste.
Hearing the hard thumps of Byungjae’s feet you fell to silence staring at the blank canvas of your TV. As soon as Byungjae slammed the door shut tears fell down the roses of your cheeks in silence, protesting the pain you felt from his words. Knowing how Byungjae really felt you avoided him for quite a while and this cause a deeper cut in your heart when you saw that Byungjae made no effort to patch things up.
You had concluded that he doesn’t want you anymore and continued to be who you were before knowing him, before becoming his best friend.
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“There are still scars..” You whispered “The first fight…. “ you trailed. Byungjae caught onto what you were meaning to say and he took a hold of your scarred arm and kissed them softly.
“I deeply apologize for that…your scars does not equal to those I have done myself. I know they hold more meaning to you… each and every one of them.. but fear not little dove… Each one of these scars are nothing compared to the beauty of the person you hold to be..” he cradled you in his arms like a child wanting comfort.
Byungjae knows now what he wants and HE WANTS YOU…
You are all he wants.
TO BE HIS
And
TO BE YOURS.
[SUPER ROOKIE in Daegu] This is important!! The song title is barcode btw👌🏼 📷: @nunachoong (twitter)
Glassy Sky
“The mystery of it I recall Suddenly the truth will change the way we fall” - Glassy Sky
Byungjae was never really sociable back then. Compared to now? He was more sociable than he was when he was in school. He never really knew what attracted you to him. He never really knew you. He only knew you being a relative of someone on the team, he never really cared. All he focused on was training. When you had striked up a conversation with him it annoyed him but being polite he tried being a civil person and replied to your attempts of conversation. He didn’t know when and how you two went from you asking him and talking the whole way to the both of you hanging out after school and during weekends. It only dawned on him on how much you actually affected him and how much you had changed his life. He looked back to the days when he would be so mad that nothing could make him calm not even writing lyrics could ease out his anger , you would be there right beside him , calmly and patiently waiting for him to slowly tense put of his anger not doing anything that can anger him even more. He remember the days when you would be comforting him whenever he felt like he was sinking down so low he thought he wasn’t going to get up. It was still a mystery to him how you became a part of him.
Was he really that numb?
Numb to all of your attempts to help him overcome the sadness in his life ?
He has just realized every single thing you have done was for his sake and when you had finally decided to do something for yourself , he wasn’t pleased and yet you threw all of those away just for his sake of happiness and Still, he didn’t see anything from you indicating you were unhappy with that.
Was he that much of a sadist when it comes to you ?
or
Was he just SELFISH and just wanted you for himself ?
or
Did he just want to be the reason of YOUR HAPPINESS
like YOU ARE THE REASON FOR HIS.
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Going back to the situation at hand, Byungjae cupped your face and made you look at him, all of the anger he felt from finding out about the confession has gone away, all he is focused on right now is YOU. He wanted you to be happy. Seeing your eyes pinned on him , he licked his lips and asked you.
“WHAT DO YOU FEEL FOR YUNHO HYUNG? WHATEVER IT IS THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY I WILL SUPPORT YOU.”
***now it’s my time to do things for your sake, even if it hurts me.” Byungjae thought. He finally decided that it his turn to give back everything you have done for him to make him happy.
“EVEN IF IT MEANS LOSING YOU.”
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Your eyes widened in shock
“EVEN IF IT MEANS LOSING YOU”
The voice you seemed to lost finally found its way back. “W….what do you mean by that?”
Hearing him say that furthered the way your heart shattered and you couldn’t keep it in anymore and finally cried.
Byungjae clenched his jaw and it hurt him seeing your tears slide down your beautiful face.
“WHAT DO YOU WANT MY LITTLE DOVE?”
You looked at him straight in his eyes and answered him with sincerity
“I … WANT YOU.. NO ONE ELSE.”
Haon’s side and Byungjae’s Confusion
(Continuation of Apology and Worry)
“I WANTED and NEEDED to see YOU”
“Haon…..” it was rare for him to be this straightforward with you. He is already straightforward but not like this. You don’t know what brought this on so you asked him.
“Why? What’s wrong?” He just stayed quiet and pulled you to his arms hugging you tightly and not saying anything. You let him be, knowing full well you won’t get him to speak at this point of the situation. You just comfortingly rubbed his back.
It has been 10 minutes and you were feeling tired just standing up so you pulled away from Haon. “Let’s go inside okay? You need rest and so do I. Yenjamin is here too and he’s in the KIFF room.. you can sleep in my bed by the window.”
Haon felt cold feeling your warmth pull away but he knew you just wanted the both of you to rest. There was also one thing that made him come here immediately without any other worries but you. He didn’t have any schedules for the next few days. So in return, Haon was going spend it with you either you like it or not.
What caught his attention was that you mentioned that Yenjamin was there too sleeping in the room reserved for Kiff Clan. It was not rare for the Kiff members to spend the night at each others house but spending it in yours was rare . Mostly it was either him or Byungjae sleeping in your apartment. Did Yenjamin miss his ride with Imsoo? He brushed the thought away thinking there was nothing wrong with it as you have been friends with Yenjamin longer than him.
ㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡ
Byungjae was at the rooftop of his apartment complex. He was thinking of earlier, of the anger , annoyance he felt when he saw how close Haon was to you. He never felt that way towards Haon. He never felt any anger towards him for being so close to you but earlier seeing you smiling and being happy because of him struck a chord in his heart.
Why did it hurt seeing you smile because of another guy?
Why did it anger him seeing your attention being given to someone else?
Why did he felt like dying hearing your laughs caused by someone else?
He didn’t know what he was feeling . He was confused.
What did he feel for you?
Want
Chapter 22
Haon was sitting on your bed scrolling through his phone as you went back to your closet to change to more comfortable clothes. You were wearing a baggy shirt that probably belonged to Haon as it was a bright color and some shorts underneath. You were comfortable showing Haon some skin as you were pretty much comfortable showing the same to your other friends.
“Haon.. Do you have any schedule tomorrow? I messaged Byungjae but he didn’t replied. i was thinking maybe the three of us could hang out.” You said coming out of your closet already changed with your hair up in a messy bun and face free of make-up.
He looked up from his phone. “Byungjae didn’t answer ? He probably went out for a breath of fresh air or fell asleep already. He’s not responding either in our chat room”, Haon put his phone aside paying more attention to you and patted the space beside motioning you to sit beside him. You went and sat beside him putting your arms around your knees.
“So I have a question.” Haon started , you just hummed signaling him to continue “Why is Yoonho hyung here?” He was really curious , it was really rare for Kiff Clan members to sleep over at your house with the exception of him and Byungjae.
“Ahhh…” you recalled the incident earlier “Yoonho was missing right after your performance earlier and when it was just me and Imsoo left behind he mentioned that Yoonho went with him in his car to the performance and he really needs to go quickly if not his manager will scold him .. I didn’t want him to get scolded so I just offered to look for Yoonho and take him back with my car. When I went to my car Yoonho was already there I guess waiting. I don’t know where he went as I just wanted to get him home because I knew he was tired as well and he asked if he could stay over so I just agreed.”
He could see in your eyes that something more happened than just him asking to stay over. For all he knew his parents were back already from an out of town business. He saw your eyes get sad then go back to this unreadable expression he couldn’t put his finger into.
“There’s something more isn’t there? What happened? Tell me.” Haon softly asked you as he didn’t want to seem like he was prying in your business. You gulped , thinking hard if you will tell Haon or not. You just decided to get it over with because you couldn’t keep anymore secrets from him more than you do already.
“He confessed…….”
Haon frowned.
Why is he feeling like this?
Why is heat rushing up to his neck?
Why are his hands slowly clenching?
Why did he feel like protecting you from everything and everyone?
Most importantly?
Why did he suddenly thought of wanting you to be his?
Fill a vacancy - it’s bullshit
Chapter 27 pt. 3
It was nearing afternoon when Byungjae woke up full of sweat. He had one of the weirdest yet painful dreams yet. You were crying because of him and he did not like the feeling of seeing you cry because of him for even a bit. He sat up wiped away his sweat and looked around for his phone. A message from Haon.
He quickly sat up properly and frowned. “What the fuck ?! Yoonho’s at her place ?! That’s why I did not see a fucking chat from him in the chat room.” To say he was mad is an understatement , he was beyond furious. How could he do that to her when he knew it that she hates tension in her solitude. He was already on the verge of throwing his phone on the floor when it rang once again notifying him of a new message
Seeing Haon text him about you needing him lowered down his infuriated emotion against his leader. He breathed in and out slowly to calm himself down. Right now , you come first. He knows that you hate having the solitude of your apartment being ruined as it brings out the negativity in you as well.
“Everything is so fucked up” he mumbled through his breath and stood up to prepare and go to you.
ㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡ
"You feeling better?" Haon handed you your coffee. You just woke up and had just washed up.
"Where's...uhm...Yoonho?" Haon looked at you. After what happened last night you were still concerned over someone elses well-being rather than yours.
"Hyung woke up earlier... He went on ahead. He said he was going to leave you a message later." Haon just shrugged. The atmosphere earlier was not good when Yoonho woke up finding Haon cuddled up with you right after he just confessed. It was not better with Haon knowing and him being quiet about and not talking to Yoonho the whole morning before Yoonho left.
You bit your lip and looked down at your coffee. "I still feel so guilty." You mumbled. "I know it must have hurt him. Specially when he just confessed to me last night." You gulped. You told yourself you were not going to cry.
"Hey..." Haon sat beside you. "Don't worry about it too much. Yoonho hyung will get over it soon okay? Everything will be okay." He smiled at you making you feel a little better.
"I guess so..." you looked at Haon. "You have something up don't you?" You noticed his quietness "You could go you know? I'll be fine."
Haon sighed "I have some things to finish up today and i can't pass it off for another day.. Will you really be okay though?" Haon was worried. He knew you were feeling sad and conflicted given what happened last night. He knows that you being alone is a bad ideas that was why he told Byungjae to come to your place.
"Yeah..i'll be fine. I have to rest too so it's alright" you nodded . You were gonna stay at home for the whole day as you are mentally,emotionally and physically tired. You know you needed it.
Haon smacked his lips "Alright... i'll be back tomorrow okay? Please..." he held your hands "Just calm down,chill you know? Everything will be fine. Don't think about it too much"
You nodded and smiled "Of course, if Haonnie said everything will be fine then i trust him" you giggled making Haon feel better that you'll be okay.
Haon sighed in relief "Alright... I'll go ahead. Don't forget to eat alright? Give me a call if you need anything." Haon stood up and hugged you.
You just quietly hugged him back. That was all you needed really. Haon's assuring words.
You trust in his words.
ㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡ
Byungjae looked up at the apartment complex in front of him. His heart was beating so fast he fet like it was going to jump out of his chest.
He was nervous. This is the first time he'll see you again after realizing his feelings for you.
He was also somewhat excited. He missed you a lot after the conflict he has been through he needed your comfort.
He doesn't know that something will happen that will affect not only the two of them but others too.
ㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡ
You were just sitting down in your bed admiring the view from your window when you heard some ring on your apartment and blinked
"Eh?? Who could that be?" You stood up and went to open door.
You opened the door to see......
What2do
Chapter 27 Pt. 1
“YOU LIKE HER…MORE THAN A FRIEND , BYUNGJAE.”
Ovan had told him bluntly and simply. Byungjae was really hopeless when it comes to you. He shook his head, he knew his job was already done and he had answered possibly every question that Byungjae might ask to him. He just ended it early. He didn’t want to beat around the bush anymore. Byungjae is his friend after all.
“Well I think my job here is done. Now, just a piece of advice before you do something stupid. REST! Or else you’ll be in a far worse situation with (y/n) if you just do what your instinct tells you to do. You need it Byungxen , you’ve been working too hard these days. You are not a robot. You are human and a human needs rest in order to function properly.” Ovan stood up and softly patted Byungjae’s shoulder.
“Everything will fall into place soon. I’ll leave now okay? If you wanna stay a little longer then do so but please. Take my advice. Get some rest.” Ovan bid farewell to him and left him alone in the rooftop to think over what has been revealed to him. He just hopes that nothing bad happens but he feels like something else would happen before everything would be okay. He hopes that it won’t affect everyone involved greatly.
ㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡ
Byungjae was not moving an inch. He liked you more than a friend? How was he going to face you now? He then remembered Ovan’s advice to not do what his instincts tells him to do. Right, now his instincts were telling him to go to you and have confrontation with you but he didn’t want to be in a bad situation with you and he might actually lose you if he does. Without him knowing tears were falling down on his clenched fist. It hurt him, deeply.
He loves you. He realizes how much he doesn’t want you gone out of his life. He realizes that he’d rather have you beside him listening to his gloomy , depressing songs getting depressed together than have you out of his life and you being happy without him while he’s miserable without you.
Call him selfish but that is how much he wants you to stay in his life.
“It’s better that two feel gloomy than one,”
How is he going to talk with you privately? He knows Haon doesn’t have any schedule for the next days and for sure he will spend it with you and he doesn’t want to intrude on your time with Haon but then again the thought of leaving you alone for a few days hurt let alone leaving you alone with Haon. He is now feeling a little anxious; he remembered the sparkle in your eyes when you saw the meditating rapper. He saw how much you were happy just seeing him. He was now feeling conflicted. Should he go to you later or should he let you be? He was thinking of these scenarios if he did leave you alone. Scenarios that hits him deep and more tears fall down his eyes.
“FUCK!!!!” he cried out. He hated the pain he was feeling. He desperately needed you right now. He needed to at least hear you voice to calm him down but he couldn’t call you. He was getting restless but he was gonna take Ovan’s advice of taking a rest and not do things hastily or bad consequences might happen , worst case scenario he might lose you and he didn’t want that.
Now, what was he gonna do about the other situation ? Yoonho’s confession that is. He is still his leader after all and he didn’t want to be the very reason that you fall into depression and blaming yourself that Him and Yenjamin got in a ruse. He knew that it was one of your biggest fears. Being the cause of a fight. Was he going to let it slide or not? Was he going to need to talk to Yenjamin about him finding out he confessed to you or was he going to interrogate Yenjamin about how, when and why he liked you? He really did not know what to do.
He’ll just have to talk to Rohan tomorrow since he is sort of the wise (?) one when it comes to things like this. He really did not want to have any misunderstanding to happen between his KIFF Family. They are his family.
“I don’t know why I’m acting like this so nervous like that shit
But you told me ‘ I can be a reason if you want’.”