#chitan sounds

[perlalite]

so tumblr wont let me change my blog colors but at least it lets me update my kin page

[perlalite]

think i remembered something...

it was a chitan memory. i was lounging on the couch somewhere (i feel like orion’s mansion or whatever, it looked similar to/exactly like the place we stay in the anime which i think was a hotel or something? but im not sure) listening to our music just thinking about things. maybe i did that often. just sat and thought. 

i thought about how i could hear everyone’s instruments. i dont know about you but personally i dont always really pay attention to all the instrument sounds? if that makes sense...but i heard selen’s bass, i felt it in my heart like it shot straight there and i felt it in my heart. and i felt argon’s drums, he kept the beat steady and kept us all in time together. i felt orion’s violin and thought of how skillfully he articulated each note i had written for him. i heard my keyboard and thought about how well it fit in with the sounds from the others...i thought how this was not just my song, but our song. it belonged to all of us. and i had written it for us, made it and tailored it to each of us...it helped that i was actually listening to my arcareafact playlist too while i remembered this pfft 

we played so well together, even if offstage we might not understand each other completely once we got on that stage we...we understood in that moment. we played so well together... i feel like my feelings had gotten through to them. they made the feelings i put into each and every song come alive. i couldnt have done it without them...

then i started to wonder about that...did my feelings really reach them? did my feelings reach the crowd? or...or was it the money? the money the others threw to them...was that what kept them coming back to our concerts? because they would get free money? was it me or the money that reached them? i asked myself the same question...was it just the money that kept me here? like yes, in a way, because as i remember it all the money i had made went to paying off my parents’ massive debt. there was no way they’d be coming back anytime soon in my lifetime or theirs so long as they were away in those mines, so all the money i made from band activities went to their debt, save for a bit i used to buy necessities for my brothers and myself. that’s why i had no money...i stayed broke so that one day i wouldnt have to. but...was the money starting to get to me too maybe? was i just in it for the money at this point, or was i still like...i dont know...i guess basically i had worried over if i had changed or not...if i had become greedy or selfish, if i had changed for the worse. 

i started thinking about how i just wanted things to be normal again...i wanted a house, i wanted to not have to worry about money, i wanted to be warm and have food and feel safe and okay. i wanted my brothers to not feel like a burden on me. they were young, they were kids, they shouldnt have to worry about the things i had to worry about...i shouldnt have had to worry about the things i had to worry about...i feel my parents were careless with their money, racking up debt, not caring...now they were far far away and we never got to see them...things looked bleak but...but then arcareafact...and then suddenly things seemed hopeful. if i used whatever money i made to help pay off their debt then maybe they could come home...maybe we could save up and get a house, maybe things could start going back to how they were maybe we could finally be a normal family again and we wouldnt be separated anymore...at this point i got depressed, thinking about it...i physically felt my heartbeat increase and i got really anxious and scared...i started thinking about what ifs. what if i hadnt gotten to be part of arcareafact. what if i didnt have a way to help out with the debt. what if my parents stayed there so long and we never saw them again what if we were poor like that forever just bolt, nickle and i what if we were just alone with out our parents like that forever...what if i couldnt come up with another song? what if the crowd didnt like me after all, what if it was just the money they kept coming back for? what if...what if...

i think that’s all i had gotten...