sixer
Bad news, my backup phone broke down. It contained this article I'm currently writing—which I was almost finished with—and now only a small backup I have on my computer remains. I'm heartbroken. So, I'll just share a small outline with you. I never want to write this again; I hate it.OK, I suggest that all of you use software with automatic backup function. I'm used to using the built-in sticky notes.
The temperature by the river is always a bit cooler, the rustling sound of flowing water soothes everything,
You are not only having her and Noob as two friends, always feeling that you should only play with them together, seeing that you also prepare gifts for others, just feels some discomfort..? That is clearly normal, you are so good, giving surprises to others.
When did it start? Is this the kind of thought normal friends should have?
Ah.. no, it's the closest friend...
When did they start wanting to be trapped in your eyes forever, remembering the hand you held that drifted along with the current, remembering how even the most ordinary actions—hugs, playing—made the river's surface ripple, wave after wave.
Once Sixer saw in the book, this is a normal reaction in puberty, because you always accompany he, as long as endure this period of time it will be fine, so always suppressing the emotions in the heart, but those emotions always accompany he.
Gray fingers climb up the tender flower petals and caress, she a bit wants to pick it and give to you, but thinking of the flower leaving the soil, life also enters the countdown, suddenly reluctant.
Jealousy, greed, at a loss.
Is it normal to have such thoughts?
they buried the face into the knees, closed the eyes, the sound of the river water by the ear, they recalled the love letter hidden in the drawer, they wants to tell you, those thoughts suddenly popped out, this thought popping out, the heart beat starts accelerating again, they can't control own emotions.
“Hey! Sixer!!” the voice from you squeezes into the mind, them's thoughts swim back to your body, seeing you standing at the tree shade edge, one hand on the eyebrow bone blocking the sun, the other hand waving hard at them.
“You are looking at flowers ah” you quickly squat down, squatting with him side by side.
Sixer's peripheral vision glances to your side face, slightly nods, you turn the head to look at her face, sunlight mixed in the hair behind the forehead, the cap brim casts a small shadow, Sixer shows a smile to respond to you, you stared at them for a while.
Then turn head and pull up that small white flower from the grass, pinching that thin stem, put the flower close to his ear, gently insert it in the hair behind the ear.
“You make the flower become better looking.” you say.
The direct praise let Sixer 's ears red, his hand doesn't know where to put, shook in the air, finally only clumsily gestured three words
「Thank you.」
The temperature of your eyes climbs up his face, Sixer a bit shy, lowers head to fiddle with the flower petals behind the ear, if not realized own emotion before, Sixer should be able to naturally play with you as usual, she first time feels such distance so close.
Sixer coughed one sound, they immediately turned head aside, using hand blocking lips, feeling the tongue tip touching a soft thing, the sticky flower petal falls to hand, they clench the palm, hide that piece of flower petal in the palm.
Good that you didn't pay much attention.
them brought that letter on the body.
Perhaps today, perhaps today is that day, his fingers intertwine back and forth, gaze fixed on the TV, she actually didn't think you would watch a movie about romance with her, but she secretly thinks this gave a good opportunity.
Sixer nervously sits on the other side of the sofa, clearly you are two or three body distances from her, Sixer feels there is no gap between you two,
Sixer seems to see the self in the mirror again, just facing own eyes, imagining how to express own heart intention, they says to self, today must say it out, this probably won't be what difficult thing, like coughing out those flower petals.
The opening music rings, you haven't been very serious, but flipping the snacks on the table, then push over to her side.
“Good la, eat whatever.”
Sixer just nods, no mind to eat things, until you hide back in the peripheral vision.
The movie picture flashes bright and dark on you two, Sixer looks at the screen, but peripheral vision always on you, but after all, that is very ordinary love story, meet, know, know.
Really want to hold your hand, like before naturally hold hand, this thought popping, them hurriedly swallow all back, fingernails digging into nails, the movie not finished yet, wait a bit, Sixer.
/ The boy first sees the girl, the girl in the rain said long words with the boy, in the late night phone let each other's voices hide in the quilt, whisper in the other's ear, and sincere confession.
One word one sentence, pulling out invisible silk lines, entangling Sixer, he tries to put the remaining attention all back to the movie.
Listening to those voices, suddenly feels very quiet, only own thumping heart jumping, looking at own hand on the knee, heart piled with unclear emotions, suddenly also want to hear what sound when self says that sentence.
they don't know if that sound is good or ugly, really chaotic, they only understand, if can she will in some dusk call your name, with the sweetest words self thinks, then like in the movie to you confess.
Just looking at those pictures entering the eyes.
Suddenly, they feels very envious, envious of the people in the movie being able to express the emotion of like, let those emotions drill into ears, and also get other people's approval, just simply envious of normal people, why can't it be her?
The foreign body sensation in the throat moves again, Sixer pretends calm to pick up cola and pour into mouth, the carbonated soda brings stinging sensation neutralizes the discomfort.
“Sixer?”
Your voice tangles those clear lines into knots, Sixer turns head, finds you are looking at them.
“You think” you point to the screen “what should couples be like?”
Sixer stunned for a moment, what kind of feeling? Just looking at movie, he really can't think, those pictures and own fantasy differ too much, self basically can't substitute.
he lowers head, opens the notebook, has to break down some common emotions and write out.
「Happy, can accompany the other, will for the other good? Or like in the movie..?」
their handwriting some messy, looking at those words, the edge of white paper dotted with one after another black small pits, the letter in pocket still pushing the fabric, reminding its existence, perhaps now is those plots? The envelope injected his feelings, clearly already memorized only missing last step, but suddenly doesn't know what to do.
Why do you ask these? Will you also have... no.
Really at this time, Sixer starts to be afraid again, not afraid of being rejected or something.... that feeling, they experienced once when encountering Noob, now again experiences, is this also a curse?
“umm.. only like this?” you pursue, using hand supporting body slightly tilting toward them.
The conversation sound of boy girl in movie echoes in the room, they are talking daily things, say what to eat today, say where to go tomorrow, say all those things couples will say.
Ideal love..?
Sixer thought this was already ideal.
their brain is really messy to think of other statements...
......
Sixer subconsciously opens mouth, finally writes down 「I think it's just like this...」.
Perhaps because facing you and appearing language deficient, them slightly raises head to carefully look at her, finds you still focused looking at them, their gaze then leaps in the room, if you can see a little bit of my heart intention it would be good.
█——
Until the lock buckle's click sound rings, Sixer deeply breathes, will the suppressed air spit out, you must have already walked far, can they safely return home? Uh, perhaps self shouldn't have agreed you send her back, self should have strongly refused you.. until she aims at the cat eye, can't see your figure, Sixer throws the flower petal into garbage bin, step by step walks to the fridge front, the fridge's cold air lets them feel some comfort, them prepared a cup of ice water.
The collision sound of ice block and glass makes the room more lonely, the mouse's click sound lets Sixer appear irritable, the white document stings his eyes painful.
When did that oxygen supplying river, start to make him become suffocating.
Sixer has looked up a lot of information. The symptoms on him are called "Flower Vomit Syndrome", which can only be relieved by the kiss of the person he has a crush on. Otherwise, the patient will suffocate to death due to the accumulation of thoughts.
Sixer once wished to the meteor, exchanged for the current happiness, now perhaps the meteor can't stand their hesitation, thought of such absolute way to force them.
Sixer thought about the scenes in the movie, the ice cup pressed against their palm. The coolness seeped in slowly, but couldn't soothe the heat in their chest. Those scenes, they had witnessed countless times, anywhere there were young people. They never thought anything of it.
he lowers the eyes, looking at the transparent ice blocks in the cup, nothing, like his current empty chest cavity.
They had already gained so much. Things they wouldn't even dare to imagine before. When they got the name "Sixer" from Noob, she thought, that's enough, I want nothing more. Then they met you, someone like Noob.
Now the feeling surging up in heart, what is it?
Is greed making trouble?
Now he already obtained the friendship once imagined, even better than imagined, clearly before three people together on paper writing drawing, discussing future, self felt satisfied, the current getting along mode for you is the most comfortable.
Or is the heart not wanting to die?
he doesn't want to die.
they with great difficulty had you, with great difficulty began to feel this world not so bad, he doesn't want to leave just like this.... but....?
The dry heat climbing up from the spine diffuses, slowly spreads to the whole body, that irritability lets the thoughts in heart burn more intense.
He had many times wanted to call your name, he wants to letck in the throat, like those flower petals, but finally still can only pull your clothes corner.
they wrote many times, wrote on paper, wrote in phone memo, wrote in heart, delete, rewrite, until the last left words he memorized word by word.
About the roots growing following him, he knows you won't mind, but he also knows, this world has too many people who will mind for you, especially the whispers from your friends..... he heard too many, now you and Noob let her have the ability to block those languages outside, Sixer actually no longer minds those labels, but thinking about the possibility of partner... Sixer doesn't want you also surrounded by these.
Like in the movie, you deserve better, deserve a emotion that can be accepted by everyone, blessed, that shouldn't be him, she can't give you those, now is enough right?
Just like this, three people, together in the four seasons wasting time, just like this, he can be by your side, watching your everything, just like this, he can pick the flower petals out and throw, like the ice blocks in ice water.
Just like this, until.... until when?
they don't know, if drag on, self will die.
You originally should be the best friends..... moreover you won't like the current him right?
he himself doesn't like either.
Why can you smile and embrace your own failure?
In short, sixer held strong feelings for you. During a rainy night, as you discussed the future, you asked sixer, "What are your thoughts about what comes next?" sixer didn't really understand. In their eyes, both you and noob were exceptionally outstanding, but they themselves felt they had no discernible strengths to speak of. So, they simply brushed it off, always feeling like they could only grow up holding your hands.
Later, you pulled them into playing video games. The joy of victory in the game brought sixer happiness. They reveled in the praise from random teammates, and as they accumulated achievements worth admiring, they grew even more excited. They felt they could gain more recognition from this. One day, after watching a movie, they thought, as long as they could let others see them beyond the name "guest666," they could become normal, just like everyone else. They would replace the existing legend and reveal their true self. So, they began to learn more... but not many were willing to accept their proactive requests to play together.
With this mindset, failure became increasingly significant in their eyes. After losing a match against noob, their mood grew increasingly impatient, to the point where they chose a decision they clearly knew was wrong.
In that part of the movie, I didn't just focus on the "lack of sound"... The document I lost happened to be my favorite part, which could explain that scene and prevent it from seeming so one-dimensional. Okay, damn it, let's not talk about this anymore.
