#depressive shit

[bl00dfroma-fairy]

[marketablekai]

Vent stuff

If I gotta be honest, the relationships and situationships I've been in are less than... pleasant! Especially the situationships because I don't even know so much can happen under a month.. Congrats my self esteem are now down in the dumps and I constantly feel the need to prove myself that I am indeed someone 'good' or 'worth' to keep around! Like I'm an ugly mess a lot. Plus I have this stupid disorder that makes my head go haywire but I couldn't let any of my anger out because I don't feel like i deserve it..

Its weird to go between loving and hating yourself constantly. Do I deserve to be loved or do I not? Do I deserve to give love or do I not? Do I deserve to live or do I not?

People say narcissists all have God complex and views themselves as better than all they don't speak about the constant anxiety of not being able to live up to your expectations— the worry of not being viewed as someone you want to be viewed as by others. If I can't live up to it then why even love myself?? Why would others love me?? What do they see in me when I fail to be needed?? Am I even needed? I hate being in cluster B I hate being like this

They also don't talk about the constant struggle of not hating yourself for how you think and perceive others — I want to perceive others normally but how am I supposed to when it's so fucking hard to not see people in a way that I see them as someone I need to make them trust me to see that I'm good. In a way it works because then I aspire to be good but building this persona of being good and unable to switch up — people don't deserve me like that.

I don't even know when I'm being genuine. Do I genuinely feel horrible and venting this because I'm overwhelmed or because I want people's pity and sympathy? Am I acting sad or am I actually sad? When I ask for love or yearn for it is it to manipulate people and exploit them?? I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I constantly want to know how others perceive me as because I can't perceive myself normally. I am the same as others but I'm not I'm above and below them at the same time because I am me and I am not deserving to be in the same place as others but at the same time they don't deserve to know what I feel — I can take care of myself I need no one.

But I do. I love people and I love them too much I let myself get exploited without asking much back because then what if I'm just pathetic? I'm not capable enough to give people what they want? Asking will make it seem like I'm flawed— I'm capable of reassuring myself that I am loved. That my presence isn't just useful but also enjoyed not for what I give but from what I am.

But I'm not! I can't because it all revolves around how I am around people and I don't know the point of what's genuine and what's not because my identity is a mess. I just I don't know. I don't want people to hurt me but I don't "allow' myself to be hurt in the basic level of not showing it therefore I am not hurt. No it's fine it doesn't matter. But it does. I care so much — I care too much of others to that I care myself for what I present to be for what I appear to be and not how I truly am and it's horrible I don't want to I'm tired. I'm not making sense anymore.

Emotions are too confusing i just want to feel loved while knowing that it isn't false affection I receive. But nobody owes me love and nobody is obligated to do it so

[pixie1111]

sometimes i feel like i might be slipping back

[nacreoussoul]

I'm going back into a depressed hole – the start of a phase where I'm scared of myself and concerned for my own safety and social contacts. What a great time.

[littlesadzap]

I'm in a really bad mood and I feel like I need to share this list of things I learned as a mentally ill ex-teenager in a toxic home and with friends as "found family"

Things that I hope are obvious but are not always so obvious

-Your parents are victims and perpetrators at the same time

-Your mental disease allowed you to survive and killed you at the same time

-Your mental disease have made you what you are

-No one will ever truly understand how you feel, and that is okay

-If someone laughs and cries at the same time, it's not funny, it's a wake-up call.

-From some things you can't recover and you have to learn to live with them

-Loving someone can't heal their depression

-If someone you love refuses to seek professional help, forcing them will not help them, a person can heal if they really want to heal

-The only person who can help you is you, you must want it first.

-If a person who needs your help is bad for your mental health, walking away from this person is not selfish,you don't live for others

-If a person with mental illness shows excessive and toxic co-dependence toward you, then you are not helping them, you are sinking with them

-Feeling anger toward the person who traumatized you is human, but letting that anger consume you will not help you

-Some things cannot be forgiven and cannot be forgotten, you are not a bad person for that

-Life owes you nothing

-Manic episodes are not always just funny but can be dangerous

-You can't justify yourself for hurting people just because you were hurt but you can forgive yourself and try to do better

-People you have hurt sometimes cannot forgive you, if they hate you let them but don't allow yourself to hate you for the same reasons

-Loving a person with mental illness is difficult

-Healing is fucking painful

PS. These are just random thoughts that came from my personal experience, I'm not a psychologist, I have no professional knowledge for this, this is all just personal

[bl00dfroma-fairy]

[cigarettesw]

I hope in another life I'm not born a freak

[notfunnyguy]

Is life really getting worse and worse every year?