#discworld headcanon

[zakalwe-the-ninth]

So Vimes and Vetinari have both been delisted with the assassins guild, but I like to think they also refuse to accept any contracts for Sybil, because nobody wants to find out what happens if you fridge Sam Vimes' wife / Vetinari's oldest friend.

Talk about smashing the board.

[yeoldecryptid]

Headcanon: Roberta is that one family member everyone has who knows all the ways to remove any kind of stain from any kind of fabric. The really funky substances to use too, like milk or vinegar. Vetinari picked it up as a side effect from living with her his whole life, and whips the knowledge out of his back pocket when needed, leading to the inevitable response of ‘how do you know this???’

[the-truth-shall-make-ye-fret]

[p4nishers]

what do you think Vimes would do if somebody hurt his family. or or maybe hold them hostage- WHAT WOULD HE DO i need your thoughts on this (pretty please thank you)

you have no idea how long i've been waiting for a discworld related ask. like seriously. so thanks dude.

anyway. obviously he would go berserk. but CALCULATED berserk. he's been having nightmares about young sam being kidnapped LITERALLY ever since the kid was born and also he ALWAYS accounts for assassins so the man is PREPARED all the time. like he's been living with the terror for so long, probably ever since he and sybil got married bc the dude's paranoid. that's the biggest reason i think he would already have a plan for it bc he's a paranoid bastards who loves his family very much. at first i think he would panic, of course, but it'd be a muted panic. second hand even. bc in the moment he founds out, he's just numb. i think honestly carrot would panic more than him. then he would get furious. he would see fucking RED. like he always lives with a simmering rage just below the surface but the anger he would feel in that moment could probably power fucking CITIES. and when he's angry that dude's scary as FUCK. remember how in the fifth elephant ppl didn't commit as much crimes bc they knew he'd go spare when he got back from uberwald? yeah. multiple that with a thousand. now, whether they hurt them or kidnapped them, he would make SURE the fuckers were brought to justice. that's his whole thing, right, how much he believes in justice and if he can't believe in it he will MAKE one that can be believed in. he would want to kill each and every one of them but he would arrest them instead and he would sit in FRONT row for the execution.

also he would probably blame vetinari for it somehow. like come on. he would think that somehow someway vetinari could've stopped this while vetinari would blink in that lizzard way of his and say some shit like "do calm yourself, your grace, do" which would resort in vimes performing the biggest amount of self control in ankh morpork history for not throwing a steel chair at him.

[skyriderwednesday]

An incomplete list of my (incredibly British) Biscuit Related Headcanons apparently

[Roughly ordered by inception]

Vetinari likes custard creams

Drumknott's favourites are bourbons

If you leave Sam Vimes alone in a room with an open packet of chocolate hobnobs, there will not be any chocolate hobnobs left by the time you get back

The same applies to Moist and a packet of party rings (he is not to be trusted at children's birthday parties)

Sybil stubbornly refuses to feel anything but pride for the secret stash of rich tea fingers she keeps in her nightstand, a habit she's held since childhood

Carrot really likes digestive biscuits

Drumknott can fit the entirety of a full-sized jammie dodger into his mouth at once-- but he refuses to demonstrate this to company

[kane-dream]

Discworld headcanon:

Every species in Discworld is balanced.

Werewolves act like dogs, and Vampires have undeath wishes.

The further we get in the Discworld books, the less weaknesses vampires have and I believe it’s because of the black ribbons.

Vampires have traded their power over people for a greater survivability. And that’s pretty funny by itself.

[booksbrackenbooze]

Every time Polly is upset with Maladict she hides their left sock. It drives Maladict up a wall, but Polly is very amused

[datsderbunnyblog]

Came across this headcanon on what kind of masks the different characters would wear, naturally I instantly thought of Vetinari... How scary would this guy be in a mask? I can just feel the Raised Eyebrow™ and I don’t like it one bit.

On the bright side, he wouldn’t have to hide his mouth behind his hand when Vimes makes him smile so that’s kinda cute.