my lovelies here is a piece about oikawa for you @honeykeigo, @b0ba-chan, @toshidou
you’ve always been in love with oikawa. he feels like the soft crisp breezes of spring, the warm and fluttery feeling of a lover just caressing your cheeks. you’ve memorized every crease and every callous across his hands, the way the corners of his eyes crinkle as he smiles at you, and you fall for the way he just shines on the court like the stars he so adores. you’ve always loved him. these feelings you hold weighing heavy in your chest as you beam at him, overwhelming you so completely, and you feel nothing but adoration for his whole existence. there is nothing but love for oikawa in your heart until the tiniest tug of a thought pulls at you.
it creeps in when you see him surrounded by masses of cheering supporters, it creeps in when you see him use that dangerous smile of his for another, it creeps in as his time spent with you slowly begins to slip away. your stomach churns at the thought of him, the thought of him not being yours, never being yours, and those promises of forever that once seemed so saccharine begin to echo, hollow, empty, and ring around your head like sharp lies. you love him so wholly, but just the idea of him leaving you for another turns your soft, sweet loving to a muddled, twisted and disgusting mess of a love. and it isn’t until you see his back growing smaller in the distance as he leaves you that you realize it was never a person that he’d leave you for. oikawa could never fully cherish someone after all.
he leaves for argentina without a word, not a whisper or a promise to his dedicated lover. and it is in his wake you realize his heart never belonged to you, it was never you. as he leaves you without a glance or a sparing thought you finally see that his heart was never yours and that his only love was in his passion, his life, his sport that he tossed you aside for. it is in this putrid depths of jealousy, the ache of loss from your lover that you break to pieces, capsizing to the stormy waves of your own emotions. you drift day by day, and only now do you finally realize you never mattered to him. your memories of the promises of forever, the whispered sweet nothings turn bitter in your veins and as you recall his sugary sweet lies they turn sour as they drift off his lips. you are left an empty and hollow version of yourself, and as you become a stranger to your past as you learn to let yourself love again, you realize that you will never love another the same. never wholly, never fully, just different. no one will ever be him. yet, as you grow and learn to forget, he still remembers.
he remembers every victory with you beaming for him in the bleachers, every soft loving smile you once flushed together and shared, every hidden kiss tucked away, his memories of you held close to his heart. oikawa sustains himself off of every moment he can remember till he comes home again. the ghost of you just an echo waiting for him, supporting him, loving him in a way he knows no one else ever will, he still sees you after every victory, and the way your eyes light up as his eyes finally catch yours, glimpses of you in the faces of those he passes by. he plays as the king of the court should, his newfound family in his team always supporting him, his adoring fans always waiting for him. he wins as a king always should, as oikawa always should, he wins as he is supposed to, is expected to. oikawa was never meant to lose after all. but as oikawa relishes in his victories, a hard-earned sweat dripping down his face, the smile on his face is always hollow. the ghost he sees of you cheering for him in the bleachers finally fades. and it is then that he realizes his forever is gone.
EVERYONE LOOK AWAY IM ABOUT TO FLEX A LITTLE. tw: mental health mentions, unabashed loving of self, sappiness, and pride
yes, didn't get into medical school this year! wild I never accounted for how failure would make me feel HAHAHA BUT the point is i'm so so proud of myself for getting into grad school. so so proud of myself for getting onto the dean's list. and so so proud of myself for being a funky fresh person who's alive.
the last couple years have been coloured by my d*pression, and I genuinely struggled to find worth in my existence as I watched my academics suffer. I've always been a 'high-achiever' after all, so it was incredibly disappointing to witness my self worth which was heavily tied to my academic success just flush down the drain. my friendships suffered, my health suffered, and I found myself feeling and being very much alone.
it meant a lot to me to see a tiny box on the internet checked off to indicate I graduated, to see another tiny box checked off to indicate I was academically successful, but as tears welled up in my eyes this morning I realized there's no tiny box to congratulate me for being alive. (and yes you and I all deserve congratulation and celebration for the beauty that is life)
so I just want to take this moment to say I'm proud of me. I'm proud of me for living, for growing and healing, for finding new people to love and laugh with, for finding what success actually looks like to me, and for finally finding who I truly am.
it's been a long time coming to reach this point. and fuck yes I'm still living in this uncertainty, but I finally love me, just the tiniest bit. and I hope if you're reading this, you can learn to love you too.
UPDATES: I'm very much in love with this commission of me kuroo n kenma (by @/kisstilludrop on twitter). I do not know why I didn't post it earlier but my brain rot is ENGAGED my loves. also also !!! I ordered a Big Person purchase of a silk set to celebrate my graduation, acceptance to grad school and ring in my 22nd birthday correctly !!!
sorry for not being as active as of late my loves!! both on server n on my blog. my brain has been stressy because of finals, job apps, n graduating, you know the usual Big Person stuff!! as my head has started to level out I hope to be more present both with my friends n the blog.
just some wips:
akaashi n insecurities ! (I very much headcanon akaashi as an Anxious Bitch, this is going to be very soft n reassuring, but in a different way than the kenma piece !)
alisa haiba in a silk slip dress (I love women end tweet. no but fr imagine plush soft loving and a lavish wardrobe to boot??? immaculate)
bokuto missing you and being needy (I dont talk about them often but bokuaka are also my Faves. I think this piece will be soft n loving as well!!)
hope you are as excited as I am !! I want to give you the loving feeling that hinata's hands piece evoked in all different flavors hehe
