Being afraid of your own mind is a terrible thing.
Waking up every morning and being unsure what the day would bring.
Everyone feels that way -- right?
They’re unsure if today is the day that the monster inside of them that they keep so close to the surface is going to escape?
It’s hard to be the person that everyone thinks I am. It’s hard to be the person that brings joy to people.
I know that I’m a good person -- but there are days I just want to destroy.
I think of someone like Damon. Someone that I’m supposed to hate -- someone that I do hate (except lately I’m not quite so sure).
Because a part of me knows that I could so easily be him. If I didn’t have the people around me (Kris, Adri, Garnet, Rachel, Dean, Matty, Darian -- the entire guard) (even Brooks sometimes).
Sure, I’m well aware that Adri had to do some... Convincing (yelling more like) to convince Aurora to let me be a member of the raiding team. I know this and I am grateful for it every day (and the guilt wears on me whenever I fuck up -- which is more often than it should be).
But I am loved. Even if I took away all of that -- it would leave me with animals who love and depend on me.
(Maybe I should get Damon a cat).
(Or maybe I should just leave him the hell alone). (A dog would be better). (Of course he’s a dog person).
But there are days when I can’t help but feel it would be so easy for me to let that anger out -- it’s so damn close to the surface these days, it’s been boiling. I haven’t been out in a while. Since I had that injury (that probably just fucked up my head even more) -- I haven’t been out. And that means that I haven’t had a chance to use that anger in... Constructive ways.
I don’t think anyone’s ever given him the chance to do something like that.
Fuck that -- I just want to keep thinking he’s a horrible person. Hate is so much better than whatever this is. Pity? Understanding?
I met a Silver at the carnival... Many Silvers actually. I gave many cats away (and I already miss them). But there are people out there -- even Silvers -- who deserve love. And cats will never give up on you -- they won’t be scared of you, even in your darkest moments.
All you have to do is feed them and love them and they’ll love you right back.
Actually most of them don’t even need food -- they’re pretty damn self-sufficient.
But anyway.
Many of the Silvers I met weren’t bad people. And I know there are some that say we’d be better off without all of them -- but I don’t think that’s true... I think there are some worth saving. I could never say something like this to Adri but... I wonder if there aren’t a whole group of Silvers worth saving.
Even the gruff man I met -- who I gave Princess to -- he had a heart. Of course he did, or he wouldn’t have taken to her like he did. He liked her. He smiled at her. He will love her.
And if he can find love in his heart for a cat -- then I firmly believe that he doesn’t need to be killed.
Yes, there are many Silvers who have done horrible things to us. And there are many who are horrendous people -- but there are terrible Reds too.
I just wish there wasn’t this division the way it is. They’re no better than us.
I wonder if Silvers are afraid of their minds the way I am.
Do Silvers have bad days like me? Are there some who are out of control? Or are they all... Pristine. They don’t get physically sick... But what about mentally sick.
I’m thinking too much. My thoughts have been racing today -- I’m glad I am able to be outside and just sitting here and journaling. There is no war today.
I just can’t stop thinking about some of the people I met... They were just like my family. There was a girl who’s smile and laugh I can’t get out of my head... She made me smile.
There was a man who was... Sweet. There were many who treated me poorly -- but there were many to whom it seemed didn’t give a shit about this whole class system. And I liked that.
I can’t wait to be home, however. It’ll be good when I have all my cats with me -- and Kris. I can just curl up with a few of the furballs and Kris and be home.
I guess I’m very lucky to have a place that feels so much like home for me -- I will never stop being grateful for that.
