Chapter title is from "Never Be The Same" by Red. One of my favorite love songs, and something I listened to a lot during my depressed high school years.
We are now in the second document I have for this fic (the first one got really slow after Ch8). Also, this is now the longest fic I've ever written. :)
Gotta say: I have so many emotions about this chapter that I hardly know where to even start.
Vi is taking such a leap of faith here. Her mind is absolutely scrambled. She's almost certain that she recognizes Caitlyn, but she can't remember more than that. She's risking everything in the hope that she's right about their connection, and she's trusting that Caitlyn won't betray her to the Baroness.
And Caitlyn... God, just imagine gathering up the courage to finally lay your loved one to rest and then they tell you that they're still alive. No wonder she completely breaks down. She's not even sure she believes it at first, which is why she stops short of touching Vi's face - she's terrified that it's not real.
And then Vi closes the gap. Even though no one has touched her with kindness for five years, Vi crosses those last few centimeters. I'm ill.
And as soon as Caitlyn realizes that she's not imagining this, that Vi is really in front of her and really Vi, she's all in. Both hands supporting her partner, catching her as she collapses, holding her as they both break. FUCK, I love this chapter.
One of the things that really got me hooked on these two was the way they touch each other, so I really try to focus on that in my fics. It works especially well here because they can't use words (at least, not from Vi's POV), so everything has to be communicated through touch. Also, I absolutely love how deadly these two can be, but they're still so soft around each other.
What was Caitlyn whispering over and over again? I actually never decided. I was leaning towards "You're alive/here" or just Vi's name, but one of you put forth "I'm sorry" and I like that too. Feel free to let me know what you thought, but it should be something incredibly heart-wrenching.
So. In terms of what words Vi can understand. I've been trying to think of it like when you're learning another language. When someone speaks at a regular pace, you might be able to pick out a few more distinct words, but have trouble with interpreting the whole sentence. However, if certain terms had been used around you for five years and you were punished for not obeying them, you'd learn very quickly to recognize them. That's why "get up" sends Vi into a panic.
Oh, Caitlyn. Always the detective. Realizing that Vi can't understand her words and switching to gestures. Realizing that the bruises on her arms and neck are from the injections. Trying to get as much information as she can about what's being done to her partner.
Vi is cold, but the injection sites are warm from swelling and irritation. Caitlyn reaches up to check if Vi has a fever, but stops short when she remembers to ask for permission to touch her. She's trying to give her partner as much autonomy as she can.
Vi realizes that Cait is trying to get information about the injection sites and guides her hands to the ones on her legs, which Cait didn't know about.
Also! Vi, even in this state, comforting Cait on instinct by rubbing her thumb over Caitlyn's knuckles. They're going to be the death of me, I swear.
Cait is about to tell Vi to "lie down" but stops herself when she realizes that saying "down" would probably be a very bad idea.
The ring triggers Vi to remember just as Cait kisses her forehead, that's how she recalls her name. It's still going to be a bit before Vi gets her own name back (though I personally think it'll be worth the wait).
Yeah, Caitlyn absolutely whispers, "I love you" as Vi drifts off. :')
Is Cait going to unreasonably blame herself for taking actions that made sense at the time with what information she had? Yes. Yes, she is.
The part about Cait realizing that she almost killed Vi and that Vi would've been aware during it was greatly influenced by your comments on Ch8. I hadn't really focused on it much before y'all pointed it out.
And again, always the detective. Putting the pieces together even when she doesn't want to, even when it makes her feel even more guilt. :(
Vi's malnourishment is important. It's the clue Caitlyn needs in the next chapter.
There's just something about two broken people who have been turned into weapons (whether by their own choice or not) finally becoming people again because they found each other.
When Vi wakes up and Caitlyn smiles (first time in how long?), Vi looks down at her parted lips and sees the gap between Caitlyn's front teeth, the same one she remembered right before the last Maintenance session.
Caitlyn trying not to overwhelm/overstimulate Vi by touching her, and then Vi immediately throwing herself into the touch? Vi is so physically affectionate, and she's been desperately craving this for years.
We will deal with Cait's guilt, but not for a bit. Right now the focus has to be on getting the fuck out of there.
God, it is so exciting when you guys speculate on future chapters and are right. It means I'm setting up the story well (take that, anti-spoiler culture)
Teaser for next week:
"I want her again tonight."
The Baroness leans back in her chair, a sly smile slowly curling her lips. "I'm inclined to grant you that. But first, you have to earn it."
Chapter title is from "I'm In It With You" by Loreen. (Or it will be. Very soon.)
Caitlyn is so tired that she falls asleep standing up in the shower. Write what you know.
It's sad, of course, that Caitlyn panics at not being able to find Vi in the bedroom. But it's also kinda funny. Like, yeah, the last time you left her alone, she panicked, BUT when you came back Petra was tending to her. What did you think would happen this time, Cait? Did you think Vi would have a panic attack and Petra would just leave her alone and not tell you about it? Someone's not thinking clearly.
Caitlyn stumbles toward the table and Vi immediately goes to get up to help her. And Petra, in possession of the only brain cell in the apartment --
I kinda wonder if Petra is like that one person on tumblr who likes putting fitted sheets on the bed. Because she's doing it a lot. And yeah, there are reasons - Caitlyn's sweat-inducing nightmares, Vi needing things to be clean so she doesn't get sicker, a desire to get the girls to actually talk without Petra in the way - but still.
I actually almost wasn't going to include Cait's nightmare. But I kinda wanted to show just how much her guilt (irrational as it may be) is still haunting her. How putting Vi down would have never stopped torturing Caitlyn. How the Baroness was so clearly using Vi to hurt Cait.
Also the idea of Caitlyn realizing just a second too late has been haunting me for a while, so I had to toss it in there. What would have happened? A shot from her rifle from that close... Vi's head would've been destroyed. Would Caitlyn have tried to move her body to the bed? Held vigil? Laid down beside her and hoped, one last time, that she never wake up again?
I think the avoidance here with the tea is similar to the way they were both lying to each other during their escape from the mansion. The lie isn't supposed to be read as a "I'm good, don't worry about it" so much as a "I can't talk about it now, please."
I really like that the thing that really finally prompts Vi to finally say "I love you" is Caitlyn remembering something as simple as how peppermint can be used. There's so much to it - the little bits of trivia (airship vs dirigible), the attachment to her family, the noticing of Vi's sore throat, the silliness of pretending to be haughty in telling Vi that she noticed - all boiling down to "I'm here and I want to help because you're my family now." If Vi needed any more confirmation, she's got it.
After five years of waiting (and never even hoping until the last week), Caitlyn finally gets to hear those words. She doesn't immediately say them back for two reasons: 1. Actions speak louder, especially when Vi is still having some issues with language; and 2. She already said it, way back in Chapter 9, when Vi couldn't quite understand the words but did understand the sentiment.
"Can I kiss you?" "Gods, yes." has been in my notes app for MONTHS.
Even now, Cait's being careful not to touch Vi's scalp. That's why she holds her around the ribs.
I'm ace, so I don't know how well I'm pulling this off, but I'm trying to keep slipping in that Caitlyn still thinks Vi is beautiful. Like, yes, she's ill and way too thin to be healthy. But Caitlyn still sees her: who she was, who she is, who she can be. (Vi doesn't realize this, which will come up again later.)
Caitlyn doesn't mention that she is still under the impression that Vi was repeatedly raped on the Baroness's orders. That will also come up again later.
I'm a little obsessed with the idea of love being like gravity, something unwavering that keeps you close and always pulls you back before you can drift too far. ("You are the sun and I am just the planets spinning around you")
Caitlyn's brain is still making the Windows error noise every time Vi smiles or laughs.
God, I love Petra. Kinda the ace experience to just be like "can you two just fucking communicate?" and then tease them for being sappy when they finally do it.
And Caitlyn, the detective, immediately working out that Petra pushed Vi into this conversation, just from two exchanged glances.
"They should get some more sleep" - they will not.
They totally made Caitlyn carry the mugs so that she wouldn't be able to stop Vi's from walking on her own. Vi's in that uncomfortable stage of the healing process where she's not strong enough to do everything herself, but she's still looking for some level of independence.
There's something so intimate about touching someone's face. I think it has to do with the level of vulnerability. But it also plays into the way Caitlyn is trying to relearn Vi - she's lost enough weight that her face has changed, and Caitlyn is retracing planes that she used to know by heart.
And the nightmare again. Interesting that Caitlyn goes for the spot where she would've shot Vi and not the spot where Vi actually was shot.
Vi immediately piecing together that Cait's touch stilling on her forehead has to do with her nightmare. She's so smart, you guys, and she can read Caitlyn so well.
Mmm, this is a hard conversation to have. How do you tell your loved one that you forced them to leave you behind and expected them to just get over that? How do you tell your loved one that you didn't move on because you didn't want to live without them and you're still angry that they forced you to try? We're definitely going to delve into all of this again later.
Caitlyn tries to brush off Vi's concern here by implying that she's been with Petra for longer than she has because she doesn't want to admit that she's been so lonely for so long. She doesn't want to hurt Vi. Honestly, I don't think she realizes just how angry she is yet about Vi taking away her choice on the night of the Purge.
Vi doesn't let her get away with the lie because she's still rightfully worried about Cait's mental state. If she was passively suicidal without Vi before, and Vi still isn't entirely out of the woods... That's something they need to talk about.
Okay, that line about stepping out of her cell into sunlight? That's referencing Vi being freed from Stillwater. She didn't know that Jinx was alive, she thought her entire family was dead. And yeah, she was being driven by revenge. But there was also that tentative little feeling towards Caitlyn, that little bit of possibility that I don't think she could've anticipated. So here she's basically thinking 'well, even when I had nothing and no one, I still found the smallest spark of something that could grow into love. So why couldn't you, Caitlyn?'
The difference, I think, is that Vi is one of the most hopeful characters ever, and Caitlyn is older and harder and more stubborn about letting herself move on. Vi moved on because she wanted a future and Caitlyn didn't move on because she didn't want one.
"I've tried that before" - Maddie reference!
I also think Caitlyn was right here. It wouldn't be fair to her or her partner to stay with someone just as a replacement for Vi. If you can't love a person for who they are, then you shouldn't be with them.
Mmm, just imagine the horror of realizing that, if not for random chance (and the author loving you dearly), Caitlyn wouldn't have found Vi. Caitlyn would have gotten herself killed in search of vengeance and Vi would still be in captivity, being slowly tortured to death by the Baroness.
"Sometimes, we aren't given the choice" - I reworked this line so many times to make sure it could be read as both 'the Purge didn't give us a choice' and 'you didn't give me a choice.'
"...replacing her with-- 'Vi?'" - Because they're helping her heal, so they are kinda replacing her with herself, in a way.
Hm, that "Always" sounds like a pretty intense promise. I wonder if that'll come up again.
Teaser for the next chapter:
A short stretch of quiet passes before, voice vibrating just enough that Vi can feel it against her shoulder blade, Caitlyn starts humming.
It's tuneless at first, just a few lilting notes at a time around quiet pauses. But then it hesitantly begins to change into something... familiar.
For a split second, Vi is a child, sitting in an adult's lap as a woman gently places a baby in her arms. She remembers a braid of thick purple hair brushing against her face as a woman bends down to kiss her forehead. She remembers a bridge, with blood and bodies strewn through the rubble.
Chapter title is from "Prodigal Son" by Rationale. I think of Vi and Vander every single time I listen to it, and it makes me want to cry.
Vi startles awake and immediately goes on the defensive... until she recognizes Caitlyn and remembers where she is. Then she goes straight into comfort mode. She's been conditioned to be afraid, but the second she overcomes that animal instinct, she becomes Vi again - the caretaker, the protector. That something the Baroness was never able to take from her.
We will get to see what Caitlyn's nightmare was about in the next chapter. You probably have your suspicions, especially if you noticed the way she takes a few seconds to register that Vi's right next to her.
She hesitates to hug Vi back though because she's still trying to not distract from Vi's recovery. Caitlyn is still at war with herself - part of her wants to set her own needs aside to keep the focus on Vi; but the other part just really wants Vi to comfort her too, because she's been yearning for that for five years.
I like to think that both Vi and Caitlyn liked to run their hands through each other's hair. Which just makes it more tragic that only one of them can still do that.
Petra's still been sleeping on the couch. I thought about having her stay in one of the other apartments - she didn't rent Cait's out because she was hoping she'd come back - but I don't think that would make sense. Vi is still sick and weak, and Caitlyn is too exhausted and overwhelmed to care for Vi herself. Petra wouldn't leave them on their own.
Petra - like many of us - had an idea this would happen. Nightmares are pretty common among the traumatized.
Caitlyn, who just woke up screaming, is shaking and drenched in sweat, and has her face pressed into Vi's chest: I'm good. It's no big deal.
Petra is so fucking stressed, you guys. She's never dealt with someone as malnourished as Vi before, but she can't really get help because there are so many risks to trusting the wrong person. On top of that, Caitlyn is about two steps from a breakdown at any given point - think about what she's been through this past week or so - and Petra's got all of her other responsibilities. And she's not sleeping well because she's stuck on the couch.
So remember that I like to have Vi and Cait communicate about being "okay" in kind of 'lies.' That's not worded well. But basically, Caitlyn insists here that she's fine. She knows Vi won't buy that and she's not trying to convince her to. "I'm alright" in this case, is kind of a way to say "it's not something to worry about, it'll pass." This time, Vi disagrees. I think the key here is that Caitlyn is trying to convince herself that she doesn't need anything more than she's trying to convince Vi.
We had to empty the pitcher of water so that Vi would have a reason to get up and leave the room (aside from not being able to be alone). It's always fun (nor really) to find a small plot hole when you're writing, panic for a bit, and then fill it in with something as minor as 'well, what if the pitcher was empty?' (See also Ch13 and the whole 'what if the guy just told her where the entrance to the basement was?')
Uh-oh, they have separation anxiety. And of course, they're both trying to do what's best for the other. Caitlyn tries to stay so Vi's not without her, Vi pretends that she'll be okay so Caitlyn can take a shower.
Absolutely love how nobody in this situation considered just having Vi go into the bathroom with Caitlyn and hang out there while she showered. I mean, it's good for them to spend time apart, especially when they are unhealthily co-dependent right now, but still.
This is so minor, but Petra has gotten out a few changes of clothes for both Vi and Caitlyn, washed them, and put them with the rest of the clean laundry - towels and bedding - on the dresser.
Petra has a feeling that Vi isn't okay without Caitlyn in sight, but she's also trying to respect boundaries. If Vi says she's okay with being alone, Petra's not going to insist on staying; she doesn't know if Vi actually wants some privacy. So she leaves, but she leaves the door open so she can hear if Vi changes her mind.
I don't know if I would say Vi is claustrophobic after spending five years in a cell, but she certainly doesn't like to be alone in small rooms. Honestly, I think she'd be more comfortable in a very cramped space than in an empty room.
Petra's fucking exhausted. :(
Again, that right knee. I don't even know where I got that, but I just have it in my head that Vi's right knee is a little weaker than her left. Which makes it a little bit harder for her to get around when her left leg is also injured.
"Hoping the bite of it will dull the burn" - I like that line. :)
I like the idea that Petra realizes that Vi doesn't want to be alone and that's why she asks to sit with her. But she doesn't do anything other than just quietly keep her company until Vi initiates the conversation.
When Petra turns her attention to the hallway, right before Vi asks about the time, she's thinking that Caitlyn's been in the shower for longer than she expected. She would've gone to check on her if Vi hadn't started talking.
Unless I'm mistaken, this is the first name from her past (other than Caitlyn's) that Vi has remembered. It would've been Powder's except that her memory is jogged here.
All bartenders know each other.
Normal 15-year-olds: dealing with hormones, growing up and figuring out who they are, expectations, etc. 15-year-old Vi: all of that plus poverty, the death of her entire family, and being imprisoned with no expectation of getting back out. Understatement of the fucking century, indeed.
I took a ridiculously long time trying to figure out exactly what Vander taught Vi, what she would remember, and what she would tell someone else. But I am on board with the headcanon that Vi can cook. And I'm pretty sure that, in League lore, she repairs and modifies her gauntlets. And of course she knows how to patch someone up.
It's always so interesting to delve into a character who is willing to die, but doesn't want to. Vi would throw her life away in a heartbeat to save a loved one (and even someone she doesn't like, I'm sure). But she wants to live. The thing is... she's tired. She's lost so much - her family, her freedom, her memories - and she just... wishes things were different. I don't know how to word it so it makes more sense than that.
I'm also obsessed with characters who just can't give up. Vi survived Stillwater for seven years, even though she was smaller than most of the other inmates and regularly beaten by the guards and put in solitary god knows how many times. She resisted the Baroness for five years, despite the torture and starvation. How many times has her body begged her to just lay down and sleep and just never wake up again? How many times has her mind been so consumed by hopelessness that it tried to convince her to just let go? But she can't. She just can't.
"He drops a pair of iron fists and picks up a pair of orphans" - This line! Okay! I have so many thoughts about this, but I'll try to keep this concise and coherent. This was the action that started the whole thing. Vander abandons his war and chooses peace. He abandons his rage and chooses love. He abandons his ideals to protect his family. Vi does the exact same thing. It's about the choice to give up the anger that helps you survive so you can find a reason to live instead. You guys have to listen to the song for this chapter, please, it means so much to me.
Also: "love and loss have always gone hand-in-hand for her." Something about being unable to lose what you don't have. Vi loves so fiercely, so when she loses it's devastating. And she chooses to love anyway. God, she is one of the most characters of all time.
Back when I first came up with Petra, I didn't really mean for her to be similar to Vander. But she had to be the kind of person that Vi and Caitlyn needed after their ordeal. And that ended up being someone with a gruff attitude and gentle hands and the inability to turn away someone who needs help.
I will fucking fight anyone who disagrees with this: Vi is not stupid. She's not smart in the same way Caitlyn is exactly, but she's so smart. She notices things, she makes connections the same way Caitlyn does. She's Caitlyn's partner. As the Baroness put it, "her intellectual equal." Vi is so smart, you guys.
So, in case it wasn't clear enough, Petra (and Nasir) are part of an underground network of sorts that smuggle people out of human trafficking situations (mostly the sex trade). Petra is mostly involved in collecting information and taking care of victims once they've been freed. That's why she has so many spare clothes and knows how to deal with trauma. That's also why she's been so careful to get Vi's consent to approach or touch her.
Petra's comment about most of the people she's taken care of not being like Vi is referencing two things: first, Vi is in much worse physical shape than the others; none of them were quite as malnourished, none of them were fighting such a bad infection, and none of them were half-dead when they got to her. And second, Petra gets the feeling that Vi wasn't raped. She's desperate for touch, not shying away from it. She's fine with being "exposed" (she's only wearing underwear and an oversized robe), even in front of a strange man (the doctor). And she's had no strong reaction to them treating the wound on the inside ot her thigh.
The two paragraphs comparing Vi's situation to rape were honestly a little hard to write, but I really think it was important to connect the experiences because it does kind of inform what Vi's going through. Her body was used for someone else's gain, despite her best efforts to fight back. And the Baroness certainly took pleasure in the psychological torture involved in that. And the line "You don't fuck a weapon" explains exactly why that's what the Baroness did; raping Vi would involve some degree of treating her as a person, even in a twisted way.
Remember that Vi has no idea what's happened to Caitlyn since they were separated. For all she knows, Caitlyn could have been captured and trafficked before coming to Petra's. That didn't happen, of course, but Vi can't know that until she's told.
Petra adopts people like stray animals. Caitlyn is a feral cat she fed once, who then decided to stick around because she had no other place to go. (Vi is the injured puppy that said feral cat dragged back after disappearing for several days.)
Mmm, asking if Caitlyn was okay even though she already knows the answer, just because she's desperately hoping that she's wrong. And then learning that she was right. Vi doesn't remember that she pushed Caitlyn into the river to save her during the Purge, but she does understand that whatever decisions were made that night resulted in both of them suffering for five years. The tragedy is that, had that decision not been made, neither of them would've been free enough to feel that suffering, if they survived at all. And then they never would've made it back to each other.
The part where Petra considers Vi before telling her that Caitlyn would hook up with women? She's pretty sure Vi won't react poorly (jealousy or anger), but she's ready to defend Caitlyn if she does.
Okay, okay, okay. I mentioned this way back in Ch4, but Caitlyn did consider moving on. She tried to convince herself to find someone else, but she couldn't do it. It felt too much like a betrayal, even though it's what Vi wanted for her. Vi died so that Caitlyn could live, but Caitlyn couldn't bring herself to actually live. (Why do you think she chose the name Ghost?) Every time she tried, she just imagined Vi in place of whatever other woman. So she stopped trying. Was she punishing herself, or keeping up her defenses so she wouldn't get hurt again? Kinda. But not consciously.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is that the real reason Caitlyn didn't move on wasn't self-hatred or fear. It was love.
The thing is, Caitlyn's not thinking clearly enough right now to have the self-awareness for this conversation. She's exhausted and anxious; she's not in the right mental state to be sorting out all these emotions. That's why I had Petra talk to Vi about this. The girls are still dancing around each other, so someone needed to step in and give one of them that last little push.
And of course, there's the clash of relief and guilt. Caitlyn didn't move on. Vi finally has her partner back and she's still hers, she's not going to leave her for someone else. (I think Vi has issues not only with being left behind, but also with being replaced - in the show as well, to some degree - but I can't get into that right now.) But at the same time, Caitlyn hasn't been happy in five years and, to some degree, that's Vi's fault.
BUT. Petra's right. In the end, Caitlyn is the reason Caitlyn didn't move on. Caitlyn made that decision. And it is absolutely okay for Vi to be glad that she did.
Also, I love Petra only using their names when she really needs them to listen. (She's also still using 'Ghost' because Caitlyn hasn't said otherwise. She hasn't been given permission to use it, so she doesn't.)
Again, about intention not mattering. Vi didn't mean for Caitlyn to be so caught up in her grief that she spent the last five years alone. Caitlyn didn't mean to leave Vi behind to be tortured and used by the Baroness for the past five years. Neither of them meant for the other to suffer. But they both made choices that ended up with them suffering all the same.
Vi didn't manage the broth well because she was sensitive to the salt, and it came back up because of the panic attack. But it's been a little bit and she's feeling a little better, so she handles the tea just fine. I also like the idea that she often had tea with Tobias.
Yeah, I've officially decided that a good part of the reason Vi's hands are shaking so much is neurological. Yeah, the injury has healed, but she got shot in the head. There's gotta be some brain damage, and I don't want to go too far into speech issues or emotional regulation. There will be some minor memory problems later.
Yeah, Caitlyn was supposed to be here, but this chapter was long enough without her. Besides, she's napping. :)
Teaser for the next chapter:
"I love you," Vi whispers.
Caitlyn's breath hitches. Her heart stutters. She feels like she's falling.
Five years. She's been yearning to hear those words in that voice for five fucking years.
Her gaze flickers down to Vi's lips and then back up to her rain-grey eyes. She can feel her own lips trembling as she breathes, "Can I kiss you?"
Chapter title is from "Dark On Me" by Starset. I was kinda iffy on this one, but only because I can't find a single version of it without the outro for my playlist.
"The pain of it is unbearable. She bears it anyway." - Well, that's just Vi in a nutshell, isn't it?
Vi is hallucinating (in order) Vander, Tobias, and Felicia (her mom). Every time she notices their hands not feeling right, it's because she's actually feeling Caitlyn's hands.
Ah, the ring. Vi typically uses it to try to jumpstart her memory, which is why she goes for it when she's trying to remember something. But its being missing isn't just about her losing her anchor, it's also that she knows it's not hers and that she was supposed to give it back to someone. And she will, eventually. ;)
And of course, when she tries digging her nails into her thumb instead, Caitlyn stops her from hurting herself. Removing pain as the trigger, replacing it with comfort. In a way, Caitlyn is taking over as Vi's anchor. :')
God, it took me so long to write Felicia's part. I couldn't figure out how to describe her voice, what to compare it with to make it clear who she was. She sounds like Jinx/Powder, but Vi doesn't remember enough to make that connection. So we ended up with: the height chart for little Vi and Powder, dancing, and the record player. In that last little scene, Felicia is dancing with Powder and Vi is sitting on Vander's bartop.
AAAHHHHHH, something about Vi recognizing but not remembering the lullaby! She remembered it for years and sang it for Caitlyn, and now that she's forgotten it, Caitlyn can sing it to remind her! It's a cycle! If she hadn't shared it with Cait, she might've lost it forever! Something about preserving yourself by loving others! I'm going insane!
So, what happens with Caitlyn at the end of Vi's POV: She hears someone arrive, leaves to see who's there, recognizes the smugglers and gets Nasir's attention (he was already looking for her), then leads him back to Vi.
Cait did tell Vi that she'd be right back, but Vi couldn't understand her (and Caitlyn knows that, which only makes it worse). She knows that leaving Vi alone won't go well, but she doesn't have any other option; she can't get Vi to the ship on her own. So she tries to reassure Vi, knowing that it won't work, and then leaves. And when she comes back, Vi is crying and hyperventilating and shaking out of her skin. Just imagine the guilt.
And of course, Caitlyn is also panicking. When she left Vi behind five years ago, the Baroness got ahold of her. When she left Vi behind just a day ago, Vi was dragged down to Maintenance. She's absolutely terrified of not being there to protect her partner.
Vi doesn't know that the smugglers were coming. She has no idea that there are supposed to be any other people helping them. For five years, she's had nobody she could trust, aside from Caitlyn. She's been so abused that she sees everyone else as a threat. So when Cait turns to ask Nasir to help her get Vi out of the drainage pipe, Vi thinks they're being threatened and reacts accordingly.
With the way Vi has fallen, her ankles are pretty much all Nasir can reach. He is careful not to grab her injured leg, but she still freaks out. There's nothing they can really do to calm her down, and they have to get her out of the drainage pipe, so Nasir just has to keep dragging Vi out by her ankle while she has a panic attack.
While she's panicking, Vi notices a voice right beside her and someone touching her shoulder - that's Caitlyn. Vi just kinda... forgot she was there.
She also forgot that she already panicked about losing the ring too.
I wanted, so badly, to work in something about Vi choosing to die instead of going back to the Baroness (think along the lines of holding a blade to her own throat), but I couldn't get it to fit. She's not armed, for one thing, and she also wouldn't kill herself when Caitlyn was still at risk. But I do think it'd be fun to explore the "no, I don't want to die, but I would rather end my own life than suffer like that again." Also, imagine the angst potential with Caitlyn seeing that.
Nasir knows that Cait is injured, but this is a small ship used for short trips. They don't have much in the way of supplies. The best he can do is get her water and a place to rest.
When I say "airship," I want you guys to think about the ones in Stardust (the 2007 movie), which fly but can also sail in water.
The smell of wine reminding Cait of her childhood! Caitlyn loved her parents so much! They were so important to her! Their memory will haunt her for the rest of her life! Also, I love the idea that slightly-buzzed Tobias and Cassandra would absolutely put on a record and dance around their living room barefoot.
The hiding place under the floorboards is pretty much described in the chapter, but I'll just recap it here: it's about the size of a twin-sized bed, just big enough for two average adults to squeeze into. It's got some padding on the bottom and walls, for comfort and soundproofing. The panel that covers it is made of removed floorboards, so it blends right in. This never came up in the story, but there's also a loose nail in the panel that can be pushed up from inside the hiding spot, in case whoever's inside needs to signal for help without being noticed by someone who doesn't know to look for the nail.
I simply must sprinkle in little moments of each character being more concerned about the other than about herself. Vi, poisoned and feverish: "Where's Caitlyn, I have to protect her." Caitlyn, tired and hungry and with potentially broken ribs: "No one worry about me, Vi's more important."
I never go into Nasir's backstory, but he is deaf and he communicates mostly through sign, though he can read lips. He and Petra have known each other for years, and that hiding place beneath the floorboards gets way more use than it should have to.
I love how Caitlyn doesn't even consider cleaning herself up. Nasir hands her a wet cloth and she immediately takes care at Vi. You know she has to have blood and sweat on her own face too.
"From underneath her broken nails, where the skin is broken by a dozen tiny cuts caused by gods-know-what." - They're from the mirror shards. Cait doesn't know about that yet. She doesn't know that Vi fought back, that that's the reason the Baroness left the mansion, that that's the reason Vi was taken back to Maintenance. She doesn't know that Vi fought back!
"Damned ring" - She doesn't recognize it! She doesn't know whose it was or what it means! She hates that it's been used to hurt Vi! (And it's gonna be a bit before she understands any more than that.)
Caitlyn feeling worse as the hours go by is because she hasn't eaten. Girl has low blood sugar.
I like the idea that, in those last few paragraphs, Vi wakes up because of the noise and because of how tense Cait gets. But she doesn't panic because, even though it's dark and she's confused/delirious, she recognizes Caitlyn's scent and touch and the rhythm of her breathing. :(
Originally, I had a small bit about Vi, in her confusion, trying to grab at her injury, but there really isn't enough room for her to move in here, and it didn't really work out. Oh well.
Teaser for next week:
Netherworld's back door swings open again and Petra steps out into the alley. Caitlyn's knees go weak with relief.
"Didn't really expect you to --" Petra stops dead, looking from Caitlyn to Nasir to Vi and then back to Caitlyn. Her dark eyes narrow as she opens her mouth again.
"Petra, please," Caitlyn begs, cutting off whatever Petra had been about to say. "Please, help her."
Chapter title is from "Stop and Stare" by OneRepublic BUT specifically the mashup on youtube called "Stop Walking the Wire" which has different background music.
I kind of have this idea that, from Vi's point of view, she's not lying about being hurt/uncomfortable. The way she sees it, constant, low-grade pain is pretty much her normal now. If anything, she's feeling better than she has in years because it's all physical instead of physical and mental and emotional. So when she says that her leg hurts, she's being completely honest. It's not even a lie of omission. But Caitlyn knows that Vi is still hurting, so she doesn't really believe that Vi's telling her the whole truth.
Mmm, bringing up the idea of patience and waiting, and remembering that Cait, for all of her impulsivity, is still a sniper.
Okay, so, the neck kiss. Remember that Vi's reason for holding back is that she doesn't know if Caitlyn is maybe in another relationship. It's been five years. Caitlyn and Vi were only together for three years before the Purge. BUT. Caitlyn called her "my love" at the end of the last chapter, and Vi started to suspect that she actually hasn't moved on. That's why she kisses Cait's neck here (forehead and hand kisses could be platonic, but neck kisses are really pushing it) - she's testing the waters, trying to see how Caitlyn reacts.
I actually didn't mean to scare any of you with the noise from the other room! I was just trying to show how jumpy Caitlyn is. To the point where Vi notices her anxiety and is concerned about it.
I don't know why, but I love the mild contradiction of "sawing" the bread into "even" slices.
Petra's comment about being sucked down the drain wasn't intentionally about Vi being malnourished or Caitlyn being tall and lanky. But it's funny that it fits.
YES! Several of you noticed it and mentioned it in your comments: Petra is absolutely picking on Caitlyn to ease the tension and to make Vi especially feel comfortable. She's also being careful to not treat Vi like she's breakable; she's trying to help her feel like a normal person again.
And of course, Caitlyn's brain making the Windows error sound every time Vi smiles. Poor girl is so in love she can barely function.
Petra is weaponizing Vi and Caitlyn against each other to get them to eat. Vi hesitates? Caitlyn can pressure her into trying. Caitlyn doesn't want to eat in front of Vi, who's struggling? Vi can give her those puppy eyes to convince her to finish her food. That's the main reason Petra leaves to change the sheets. (The other reason is that she doesn't want Caitlyn to risk making her ribs worse.)
When Vi asks "What if...?" she's worried that she won't be able to keep the broth down. Throwing up is miserable enough, but it also will dehydrate her faster. It's a valid concern, but she still has to get back on actual food, especially with how distressing the IV is to her.
Do I think Caitlyn from the show would flip someone off? No. Do I think Caitlyn who's lived with Vi for three years and then became a bounty hunter and has now lived above a club for two years would flip someone off? Yes. Absolutely.
Vi really is trying. She wants to feel like a person again, she wants to be able to eat and sleep and not see every potential touch as a threat. She didn't hold on for five years just to be trapped inside her trauma. But even watered down broth seems too salty. :(
The paragraph about Vi's robe hanging open and Caitlyn staring at her chest was a last minute addition. It's a topic that comes up again later, that Caitlyn wants Vi so badly, even with how much her body has changed.
Oh, and Caitlyn's righteous fury makes another appearance. Baby girl wants justice/revenge so badly that she doesn't even care about the difference between the two.
In that vein (and I'm copying this from my reply to one of your comments): Caitlyn grew up in a very "proper" environment. We know that she didn't always follow rules or behave in a way that was "befitting" the daughter of a Councilor and the heir to such a massive family name. But she was still sheltered. I'm absolutely certain that her mother was the first person she ever really lost (in a sudden/violent way), so she didn't know how to deal with it, which is why she reacted as harshly as she did. It is so much fun to write her as a deeply ANGRY person. She loves fiercely and she has a strong sense of justice. So when something threatens that, Caitlyn is just so prone to furious outbursts. But then we also have to consider that she is extremely aware that her anger won't help here. It would actively make the situation worse. So she has to hide it so she can take care of Vi (which leads back into the idea of how fiercely she loves, that she will reign in her wrath just to keep a loved one safe).
Vi's not sorry that she can't eat so much as she's sorry that she's worrying Caitlyn. And Caitlyn, of course, knows that it's not Vi's fault and tries to reassure her, but the worry is still there. So Vi will continue to feel guilty about it. So what does Vi do? She takes care of what she can. If she can't ease Cait's mind, she can at least make sure she eats.
Caitlyn is trying so hard to put her own needs aside right now, because Vi needs to be cared for. But I'm trying to establish that Caitlyn is also pretty traumatized here. She absolutely cannot do this without help. That's gonna be important in a few chapters.
Gotta be honest, whenever I describe guilt as something dripping and pooling, I want to evoke tar. But I'm really thinking of Hexxus from Fern Gully.
Vi bumps her foot against Caitlyn's just to reassure herself that her partner's there. They simply cannot. stop. touching each other.
Petra is absolutely going to bond with Vi by teasing Caitlyn. Imagine them teaming up.
Like I said in last week's notes, I'm trying to keep Petra on the sidelines. I love her, but we're all here for Vi and Caitlyn. Besides, Petra's a smart woman. She's giving them time alone on purpose; they really need to talk. (But they're not going to yet.)
I love the idea of Petra just chucking a pair of socks at Caitlyn's head. Getting Vi to smile and hitting Caitlyn in the face? Hell yeah. Cait does catch them, but that doesn't take the fun out of it.
FOR FUCK'S SAKE CAITLYN JUST FUCKING KISS HER HOLY SHIT
(Not yet. Slowburn of an already established relationship, my beloved.)
Oh, to bask in the gentle affection of a loved one like a cat in a sunbeam.
Vi, who cares so deeply and protects so fiercely, promising to worry about Caitlyn forever and Caitlyn, who feels like she doesn't deserve that devotion, accepting it anyway. And the fact that the reverse is probably also true. They are my favorite relationship of all time, your honor.
"They have time now." - Well, yes. But also... You can't hide at Petra's forever. The Baroness knows by now that they've escaped and she's not pleased about it. And that Jarret Sol guy from Chapter 3 knows that Caitlyn is here. Someone is going to find them. Several someones, actually. ;)
Teaser for the next chapter:
Vi hears Caitlyn swallow hard and opens her eyes to see her partner licking her lips in a familiar nervous gesture.
"...Cait?"
Caitlyn's gaze meets hers, anxious but sure. "Can I help you with your hair?"
Chapter title is from "Fake It" by Bastille. I don't even know what I'm doing with these anymore. It's so hard to pick out songs, I'm so bad at playlists.
Oh, we're just starting out with Vi feeling unclean because of what the Baroness did to her and forced her to do. Cool, cool.
Sorry, Petra, I love you, but get out of here. The girls need some time. (This is going to happen again.)
Vi is doing okay in terms of Maintenance aftermath; the blood transfusions got rid of most of the serum, and her body is slowly eliminating the rest. Most of her weakness now is the result of malnutrition and fever. It doesn't help that all of her joints ache. That's why she's having trouble moving around.
Ugh, there's just something about characters holding each other up both figuratively and literally. It's about the love and support and being each other's strength.
One day, I'm gonna write a story where someone's feet get all cut up like in Die Hard.
Vi's exhausted, but she just wants to stay awake and be with Caitlyn. She's been alone for so long, she just wants to bask in the presence of someone she loves and who loves her too. :')
Obviously, Vi is not the only character who devotes herself to taking care of the people she cares about, but it is so fun to reverse the roles and put Caitlyn in the position of serving. Caitlyn draws the bath, helps her undress, washes her off. Especially with the differences in their upbringings.
Yes, Caitlyn is spending all of her time with Vi and clearly still loves her. But understand where Vi is coming from: if you found out a loved one was still alive, you would try to save them and you would stay at their side while they recovered. But that doesn't necessarily prove that Caitlyn isn't in another relationship. There's also the possibility that she hasn't mentioned it because she doesn't want to break the bad news while Vi is still in such bad shape. (Obviously none of that is the case, but Vi doesn't know that yet.)
"She always will be, in the same way that Vi will always be Caitlyn's" - something about the love persisting, even if they move on. If Vi had died and Caitlyn had moved on, they still would've been each other's. The love still would've mattered.
Also, remember that Caitlyn thinks the Baroness repeatedly allowed Vi to be raped. That's why she's trying so hard not to touch her in certain ways, why she hesitates to help Vi undress, why she won't let herself kiss Vi.
And Vi doesn't have any idea that Caitlyn thinks that. She was never sexually assaulted; the Baroness only ever sent her to Caitlyn's room. So she doesn't understand Caitlyn's hesitation and guesses it must be for some other reason.
Speaking of which, Caitlyn is absolutely not disgusted by Vi's body, but by what happened to make it that way. The level of cruelty necessary to know (and Renata did) that Vi was aware of the situation and still keep her that malnourished and mistreated... Caitlyn is desperately trying to keep her absolute fury in check so she can take care of Vi (because it would definitely not be good if she let that rage show when Vi is still so traumatized that she's having multiple panic attacks per day).
Vi's kinda projecting her own feelings about her body onto Cait right now. She sees Cait's reaction as not-quite-disgust because that's how she feels. After all, she's always been very physically capable, to the point where she's not afraid to put herself between others and danger - not because she's self-sacrificing, but because she knows she can take it. And now she can't, so she's got to grapple with that sense of 'this thing that defined me is gone, so what am I now?'
Vi's reaction to the warm water... We should put her in a hot tub. She deserves it.
The idea of being a stranger to the person who knows you best keeps coming up. I think there's a special type of sorrow in the reality that you can't just come back. Too many things have changed. You've changed, your loved one has changed, the entire world has changed. And you have to grapple with the fact that the person they love is gone; they love you still but they don't even know you anymore.
Caitlyn offers the washcloth to Vi just in case Vi doesn't want to be touched when she's this exposed/vulnerable. But she sees Vi's hesitation, understands it, and backtracks. And when Vi instantly gives permission, Cait knows she read the reaction correctly.
I don't know if I'm doing a good job of conveying this, but Vi both knows she was a victim and still feels guilty about what she was forced to do. She knows that all the blood on her hands isn't her fault, but it's still there. (There's also the whole... Well, I managed to break free eventually. Why couldn't I do that earlier, to save those other people? But that's a problem for later.)
I don't even know when I decided that Vi didn't know how long it'd been since the Purge. It makes sense - her sense of time is fucked (see the commemoration), she spent most of her time locked inside, she has periods that are just blacked-out due to trauma. And she doesn't have any idea how long the Baroness had her before she actually started to remember anything (an injury to the frontal lobe can affect the ability to form new memories, so she has nothing between the gunshot and when it finally healed).
I do really like the parallel structure of the repeating "five years of ___." My AP English teacher would be so proud if he could see me now.
Something about Vi wanting "to curl up and die" and Cait having wanted to "not wake up again".
Mmm, the idea that cruelty still seems wrong to Vi even after enduring it for so long (she's been held captive for... 12 years of her life, holy shit. She's only 31) and that being loved doesn't. She knows, subconsciously, that she doesn't deserve the mistreatment. She knows, deep down, that she deserves to be loved. :'(
Ooh, what if part of Cait's hesitation to touch is also that she doesn't want to accidentally trigger Vi to lash out because she knows that just would make Vi feel so guilty and would set her recovery back even further???
Ohhh, and we come to Caitlyn's guilt. This part has been written for so long. The worst part is that they both know that it wasn't Cait's fault. There was no reason for her to suspect that Vi was alive, there was no reason for her to return and learn otherwise. But that doesn't change anything. In the end, Cait wasn't there and Vi suffered for it.
Vi doesn't remember pushing Caitlyn into the river. She doesn't remember that she robbed Caitlyn of that choice, and I'm sure that won't ever come up again. ;)
Oh, and of course, the "I'm glad I came back," even though it was for selfish and self-destructive reasons. "I'm glad you did too," even though it was selfish to want someone to risk their life to save her.
How much longer do we think Vi would've survived under Renata Glasc? How long before she would've finally just... given out? And which would've failed first, her body or her will?
"There is nothing in the world that she believes in quite as fiercely as she believes in Caitlyn Kiramman." God. Fuck. I'm gonna cry.
Caitlyn's impatience to have Vi in her arms is so fucking cute.
She doesn't make the connection, but Caitlyn uncomfortable from kneeling on a hard floor for too long???
Originally, Cait was going to get her sleeve wet in the cold water and take her shirt off, but there's a reason she can't take her top off yet. There'll be a reveal later. ;)
Vi's been cleaning herself off with cold water from a hose for years now, of course she doesn't notice the bathwater going lukewarm.
The reason Vi is still so tired is because of the fever. The fatigue is going to take a while to shake off. (Write what you know, etc.)
Originally, Cait was going to take care of Vi's hair in this chapter, but it ended up being so long that I just moved it entirely. Vi would've been a raisin otherwise.
The bit about Cait trying to remember Vi's tattoo was a last minute addition that will tie into something later. There's something horrifically devastating about forgetting the people you love the most. It's the slow inevitability of it. The fact that no one else will remember the things you've forgotten. That when that person is gone, they really truly are gone.
When Caitlyn thinks of "her family" here, she is absolutely including Vi.
Something about the idea of fate. Yeah, you wanted to die, but you couldn't. You were still needed.
And Caitlyn noticing the scars, putting together exactly what happened to put them there. Immediately abandoning her vengeful fury the second she suspects Vi might be hurt (looking at you, S2 E6).
I do love a character flat out lying about being awake while obviously dozing off.
In Cait's defense, they really should talk before they kiss. Just to get on the same page.
The bit about Vi's nails was originally in the scene where she first woke up, but that scene was long enough already. And it's such a minor thing that Vi probably wouldn't notice yet anyway.
Also the intimacy of someone trimming your nails.
Caitlyn is so worried about changing anything about Vi without her knowledge or consent because that's all that's been happening to her for years. Yeah, it's minor, but it's still just one more thing she didn't get a say in.
Meanwhile, Vi is just in absolute awe that Cait remembers her preferences and is taking care of her without even needing to be asked.
What if you kissed me on the forehead and I kissed you on the hand and neither of us was brave enough to kiss the other on the mouth? What then?
I swear, I will never get enough of the image of one character kneeling at their partner's feet. Wash It Away, Lamb To The Slaughter, Chapter 9 of this fic... It makes me think of a knight swearing fealty. It's about the devotion.
The second Caitlyn calls her "my love," Vi starts to really suspect that she hasn't moved on. She's going to get confirmation of that soon. :)
Ah, and the parallel between this last embrace and the interaction in the cell in S2. One character careful not to risk hurting the other's injury, and the other character pulling them in anyway, because the potential pain is worth the closeness.
Teaser for the next chapter:
"Cait," Vi says, voice quiet but surprisingly firm. "Eat."
Caitlyn blinks a few times. "Vi, I..." She trails off, strangely nervous. It doesn't feel right to eat in front of her partner, who so badly needs to but can't, but she can't find a way to say that without making the situation more uncomfortable.
She doesn't seem to need to. Vi's gaze is heavy and knowing as it meets Caitlyn's, because of course she can see right through her reluctance.
"Cait," she says again, much more softly. "Please?"
Chapter title is from "The Line" from the Arcane S2 soundtrack.
I promise we're going to go back to the alternating POVs. I just felt like this chapter worked better from just Cait's perspective, especially since the last one was all from Vi's. But next week will be both.
Caitlyn's treading a fine line here where she's kinda taking care of herself, but only because she doesn't want to distract from Vi. As Vi regains her strength and the fever goes away, she'll start bullying Cait into actually eating and sleeping and all of that.
Caitlyn keeps hesitating to touch Vi, which is going to feed into the very minor miscommunication going forward. (They can't straight up talk about it because they're both scared. Cait of triggering something, and Vi of potentially learning a heartbreaking truth. It will be explained more in the next chapter.) The important thing is that they're both yearning. Mutual-pining, my beloved.
Yeah, Vi is still a little confused about where she is when she wakes up. She remembers that she's safe as soon as she sees Cait, but her first instinct is to face the threat. She's getting there.
Petra absolutely understands that there is no way Vi will be able to handle another stranger without Caitlyn there, which is why she pushes Caitlyn to go now. The sooner Cait goes, the sooner she gets back, and the more time Vi has to calm back down before the doctor gets there.
They have a pitcher of water and a few cups in the bedroom. Petra makes sure it stays filled. (Remember, Caitlyn is just as reluctant to leave Vi as Vi is to be left, so Cait was also not drinking enough water. This was the solution.)
Petra keeps asking if Vi wants help sitting up. She's wording it that way so Vi doesn't feel like she can't do it on her own. But the thing is, Vi can't really do it on her own. And of course, Vi keeps interpretting it as an offer to support her, so she tries to do most of the hard work herself.
Vi knew Cait was going to prop her up with the pillows, but she wanted the physical contact. Keep in mind that Caitlyn is trying not to overwhelm Vi by constantly touching her, while Vi just wants to be touched. So she kinda forces Caitlyn to hold her up here. :)
I actually hadn't even considered that the tremors in Vi's hands could be the result of an old brain injury, but I kinda like the idea. (Thanks, EnigmaticPsych!)
Oh my god, they both keep seeing the other smile and falling apart a little. Also, they keep looking at each other's lips. It's about the YEARNING.
Vi puts her head against Cait's neck, Cait wraps her arm around Vi... and then Caitlyn LETS GO SO VI WON'T FEEL TRAPPED. FOR FUCK'S SAKE CAITLYN, JUST HOLD HER.
Both Cait and Vi are aware that their current level of clinginess is not healthy, which is why they're both trying so hard to be okay with a little separation. It's just too soon. And of course, Caitlyn coming back to Vi panicking definitely isn't going to help.
Again with the positioning: Vi is sitting up on the bed; Caitlyn is right beside it (thighs against side of mattress), leaning over, one arm braced on bed, other around Vi's shoulders. Because of angle, Vi is not touching Cait's ribs.
Ugh, I just couldn't resist having Vi cradle Cait's face here. Yes, she needs comfort and to be cared for, but she is such a giver. Think about when they were waiting for the smugglers and Vi was sharing her body heat even though she was delirious with fever. Even now, that's who she is. So of course, she clocks that Caitlyn was also freaking out about their brief separation and she comforts her about it as well. We're gonna see more of that in the next chapter. ;)
They just cannot. stop. touching. And kissing. (Except on the lips, because they're a tiny bit stupid.)
Caitlyn isn't thrilled about Vi being closer to the door, but it allows Petra and the doctor easier access and it lessens the risk of accidentally jostling Vi's injured leg.
Just to clarify, the doctor has been here twice now (the past two mornings). The past two times, he was wearing the white coat, because Vi was unconscious.
Little backstory on Doctor Bren Lastname: Petra actually doesn't know him that well, which is why she's watching him like a hawk. He's a regular client of Iris's (she's one of the sex workers from chapters... two and four?) and is doing this as a favor to her. He lost a young patient and nearly left the field entirely, but now works at a small clinic that doesn't really deal with major emergencies. That's why he's available, and why he's wearing his coat (on his way to work). He's nervous about overstepping (Petra warned him that Vi was in bad shape both physically and mentally), which is part of why he fucks up. He also doesn't have any experience with someone this traumatized.
Oh, and this is also the guy who helped with those blood transfusions that got the Baroness's serum out of Vi's bloodstream.
Yes, the other workers at Netherworld have been gossiping about all of this. They were all under the impression that they'd never see Ghost again, and now she's back and she brought a half-dead woman with her? Very exciting stuff. And when Petra asked for help, Iris immediately volunteered. (Raven - the singer - also offers something, but that'll come up in a few chapters.)
Petra is doing everything she can to make sure neither Vi nor Caitlyn has to relive more of their time at the Baroness's than necessary. So she only made Cait tell her about the cell one time. She is also mentally making such a long list of potential triggers.
I do love sprinkling in more of Caitlyn's absolute rage in all of this comfort. Girl does love revenge. (Not really. She just can't stand the injustice and takes the pain of her loved ones very personally.)
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME VI HAS SAID HER OWN NAME IN FIVE YEARS. That's why she sounds so unsure. (And she's also still caught up on the whole 'is she even still Vi' thing.)
Doctor goes to put his hands in his pockets and realizes that he should probably keep them where Vi (and infamous assassin, Ghost) can see them. He's trying.
Is Vi crushing Caitlyn's hand because she's in pain or because she's terrified? Vote now on your phones!
Someone reaches for Vi's head again. :(
Vi knows, logically, that she's reacting like this due to trauma. But that doesn't stop her brain from reacting this way. (From personal experience, you can tell your brain that it's being irrational and it will say 'yes, but I'm gonna keep doing it anyway <3'.)
I can't decide if they should've warned Vi about the IV or not.
Hopefully I conveyed this well enough to be understood, but Vi cringes away because the doctor is standing over her. I don't know if you know this, but she's kinda got a thing about feeling like she's kneeling at someone's feet.
Petra knows that Caitlyn is the only one who can convince Vi to allow the IV, so she gets herself and the doctor out of the way. That whole shielding-Caitlyn-with-her-own-body really made an impression.
Vi does agree to the IV mostly for Caitlyn, but remember that, as afraid as she is of it, Vi wants to live.
"Now is not the time to push boundaries" - CAITLYN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHE HASN'T SET ANY BOUNDARIES, HOLD HER.
"I can't lose you again." If Vi died now, Caitlyn would absolutely follow her. Either she would waste away or she'd just eat her own rifle.
Oh, hell yeah, Caitlyn trying to make this experience as different from Maintenance as she immediately can.
"Stay?" - Baby girl, they couldn't drag her away.
Should the doctor have stayed to monitor it? Maybe. But the girls needed some privacy.
That "can I hold you?" breaks me every time. And Vi immediately reaches for Caitlyn; this is what she wanted but couldn't bring herself to ask for. (She's not good at asking for things she wants, because there's been no point for the past five years. It's not like anyone would've answered.)
I originally intended for Vi to be sobbing during most of this, but... I think she's been conditioned at this point to suffer in silence, lest she be punished for it. :'(
I kinda like how Caitlyn and Petra have some nonverbal conversations, it shows that they actually know each other pretty well, and helps reinforce that Caitlyn trusts her completely.
Vi nods because she really is grateful for the doctor's help. Again, she knows her reactions are because of trauma, and she wants to live, even if the way to do that is terrifying.
And just like in the last chapter, Petra redirects the attention to Caitlyn to keep Vi from getting lost in what just happened. Caitlyn doesn't realize this; she's so focused on Vi's condition that she doesn't even consider that Vi and Petra are worried just as much about her.
And the IV did help a lot! Vi's actually going to be awake for the next few chapters (we are spending a lot of time on this day.)
Bath chapter! Caretaking, my beloved. <3
Teaser for next chapter:
Vi hears her partner moving around and peels her eyes open to see Caitlyn set a small pile of clean clothes and towels on the counter before moving to the tub and turning on the water. She adjusts the faucets for a moment before sitting down on the edge of the basin and checking the temperature of the water with her hand as it fills.
Despite the illness, Vi knows without a doubt that the tightness in her chest has nothing to do with fever. 'I love you' sits on the tip of her tongue, but something holds it back.
Chapter title is from "They'll Never Find Us" by Aviators. (Aviators, my beloved.)
At 7140 words, this is the longest chapter yet. Also, we're on the third document in my notes app. Holy shit.
SHE'S AWAKE!!! I was tempted to keep her unconscious (by writing about the two days between this chapter and the previous), partially to emphasize the agony of waiting and really push y'all into empathizing with Caitlyn. But I couldn't do it. I missed her too much. (Also, I made you guys wait an extra week anyway.)
So apparently, you're not supposed to lie down with broken ribs? Which is the only reason I've downgraded Caitlyn's injury (again). Basically, her ribs were badly bruised but she'll be fine in a few days. I did this explicitly so she and Vi can cuddle because they fucking deserve it at this point.
With most of the serum flushed out, Vi also can remember things a little more easily. So, of course, she gets to remember quiet mornings with Caitlyn. :)
AAAHHH, the bit where Caitlyn wakes up! I really wanted to make this an intimate little moment - honestly, how many people get to see the indents in your skin when you sleep too heavily? - that only Vi gets to witness. The messy hair. The rumpled clothes. The crusty eyes. Those are things that Caitlyn hasn't let anyone else see in five years.
Notice that Vi doesn't say 'I love you' out loud. They're both trying to feel each other out a bit; there's gonna be a little miscommunication and mutual pining in the next few chapters. (Caitlyn thinks Vi was repeatedly sexually abused by the Baroness and Vi doesn't know if Caitlyn has moved on in the time since the Purge.)
I'm really liking the imagery of Caitlyn's eyes being like the sky, and Vi associating that with freedom. Because we see the way she stands and breathes after Cait gets her out of Stillwater. And in this fic, we've established that she didn't get to leave the Baroness's mansion often and didn't see the sky much. So of course, Caitlyn is that freedom.
I actually wasn't sure about having Vi smile again this soon after the escape. (She last saw the Baroness... only three days ago?) But after that moment of seeing Caitlyn waking up... there's a feeling of comfort and safety that I think lets her finally smile again, even if only a little.
And of course, Caitlyn tears up. Because even after all of this, she wasn't sure she'd ever see Vi's smile again. :')
I also debated drawing out Vi's being able to understand speech, but I really wanted her back. I kinda figured that, if the serum was causing that inability to interpret words, then flushing it from her system would let her regain that ability. Caitlyn and Petra theorized the same thing, but they really weren't sure the blood transfusions would actually work. (That's what Cait means by 'it worked.')
I keep coming back to the idea that Caitlyn touches Vi so lightly because she doesn't want to hurt her or startle her or anything like that. And every time, Vi presses more firmly into the touch because she desperately needs to reassure herself that it's real. This wasn't intentional at first, but once I noticed it, I really leaned into it because I think it really fits.
UGH, GOD, just like. Imagine. Being imprisoned and tortured and forced to do terrible things against your will. And you can't remember who you are, you don't know how long it's been, you don't know if there's anybody out there who knows you and cares about you. And the only thing that keeps you from just giving up entirely is a ring that doesn't fit and a few vague memories. Imagine how overwhelming it would be to suddenly be free and safe and yourself again.
Caitlyn was a detective and was good at it. She wants answers, she wants to know what's going on. But she refuses to push Vi into talking when she's not ready. That's love, bitch.
The paragraph about hope not burning out, and standing among rubble and embers? I absolutely love that bit. I don't even know why. I'm just really proud of it.
Oh yeah, a few of you pointed it out in the comments, but Caitlyn absolutely doesn't want to tell Vi how long it's been since the Purge. She will, of course. But she desperately doesn't want to. I think part of it is that she doesn't want to admit how long she left Vi there. (It's not her fault, of course, but guilt doesn't work like that.)
The 'in and out of consciousness' does not include the time spent in the drainage pipe and on Nasir's ship. The two days is just the amount of time since the last chapter.
"The blunt edges of Vi's nails"??? They were jagged and overgrown last time we saw. That will come up again soon. :)
The only reason Petra doesn't wait for a response after knocking is because she strongly suspects that Caitlyn is asleep and won't answer. Normally, she wouldn't come in without permission.
When Vi shoves Caitlyn behind her, Cait makes a sharp sound. Vi bumped her bruised ribs. :(
VI, MY BELOVED DUMBASS. Shielding Caitlyn with her own body when she doesn't even have enough strength to sit up (that's pure adrenaline). I love her so much. Caitlyn is so startled that she doesn't react for a few seconds.
I always have to envision how the characters are physically positioned to write about them, even when it doesn't get described in detail. Vi is on her left side, propped up on left arm. Cait is behind her, leans forward to press her face into curve of Vi's neck and right shoulder. Cait's right arm comes around Vi's waist from above, and she splays her hand over the left (under)side of Vi's ribcage. Hugging AND holding up at same time.
Poor Petra. She has to deal with Caitlyn neglecting her health while worrying about Vi, and now Vi's proving to be just as self-sacrificing as Caitlyn. Just walks into the room and realizes, 'Oh, they're both stupid.'
Petra is also trying very hard to be what both of our girls need. For Caitlyn, it's familiarity, normalcy, a distraction from fretting over Vi, a reminder that things will be okay. For Vi, it's comfort, safety, autonomy, the balance between letting her make her own decisions and not overwhelming her with choices when she's already overwhelmed. That's why she asks for permission to come in (an important boundary to be respected) but directs the question about how she's doing to Caitlyn (addressing Vi as a person but not expecting her to answer a pretty complicated question).
It was so important to me that Petra ask permission to come in and later to touch Vi, because Vi hasn't been given that choice in so long. Petra has a history of dealing with abuse victims, which is why she thinks of things like this while Caitlyn didn't.
Vi is self-aware enough to know that she's not in a great mindset to be deciding who to trust and what's a threat. She knows that Caitlyn will keep her safe, which helps her calm down enough to decide to give Petra a chance.
Vi keeps wondering why she's so tired. It's because she's healing (which takes a lot out of you) and she has a fever (and the resulting fatigue).
Caitlyn is not going to take care of the clean sheets later. :)
There's just... so much that can trigger Vi right now. We're gonna be dealing with that for quite a bit. Meds, transfusions, IVs, touching her head/pulling her hair, certain words, etc.
The people Vi remembers when Cait bumps her thumb while she's panicking are, in order: Powder, Vander, Ekko, Tobias, and - of course - Caitlyn.
"Anything foreign in her veins" - girl, most of your blood isn't even your own at this point.
As soon as Vi manages to calm down, Petra redirects the conversation to Caitlyn, knowing that it'll distract Vi enough to keep her from panicking again. And it works; as soon as Vi realizes Caitlyn is hurt, she completely stops worrying about the meds.
"Barely sleeping" - Caitlyn, you were completely knocked out. It was the deepest sleep you've had in weeks.
I don't know, I just think it's very sweet that Caitlyn reassures Vi about her ribs not by brushing it off, but by guiding her hand there to check it herself. The nonverbal communication continues!
So, I have absolutely no idea what it would be like to try drinking and eating again after years of only getting nutrients and fluids through an IV. I'm just guessing. We've established that Vi can swallow, but only a little bit (blood, saliva, etc.). So, in theory, she can drink, but not a lot because her stomach can't handle it yet. She needs to be eased back onto food (refeeding syndrome) to let her body adjust. Water → clear liquids (broth, juice) → thicker liquids (milk, richer broth) → mashed food (applesauce) → easy-to-digest solids (toast, rice, bananas) → more complex solids. Vomitting is especially bad here because it can dehydrate her faster.
"Her body, broken and skinny and useless" - Vi is absolutely going to deal with body-image issues in the coming chapters. In a way, this is kind of 'non-consensual body modification' and I'm planning to treat it with the trauma that comes with that.
It's a good thing Vi decided to trust Petra because Caitlyn absolutely would not be able to get her upright without help.
Mmm, the intimacy of helping someone drink, of holding a glass to their lips and supporting their head. The need for both trust and carefulness. Also, the grief that your loved one was denied even being allowed to drink water (treated more like a machine than even an animal) and the guilt of having to deny them from drinking too much, even if it is for their own good. Especially when they're practically begging for just a little bit more.
And then Vi saying she's okay after nearly choking on water. They're so stupid and Petra's so tired.
Mad at myself that Caitlyn can't lie down and cuddle. >:(
When Caitlyn confesses about the blood transfusions, I want you to imagine the same nervous expression and tone that she used in the show, when she told Vi that she was seeing Maddie while they were separated. She can't go into this without telling Vi the truth.
"I refuse to lose you again" - God, they mean so much to me. But also, the idea that Caitlyn will do anything to not lose Vi. I love exploring the whole 'Yes, this is a good person. But, at some point, they become a selfish person. What do they have to lose to reach that point? When do they decide, "fuck everything else, I will not lose this one. Not now, not ever."?'
And Vi's trust in Caitlyn overcomes her terror of being injected with something without her knowledge and permission. :(
"She will never hurt you again" - maybe Caitlyn's right. But that doesn't mean the Baroness can't hurt someone else. >:)
(I'm eventually going to give a few more details about what Petra looks like, but I'm really curious to hear how y'all imagine her appearance? Please tell me?)
Teaser for next week:
Vi jerks back again, shaking her head in rapid refusal. "No. No, I - No IV."
The doctor heaves a weary sigh. "Vi, it's necessary. You're just being reintroduced to eating, to drinking. You need fluids and nutrients and, right now, antibiotics."
Vi shakes her head again, turning to Caitlyn. Her eyes are wide and frantic and terrified. "Cait," she chokes, "please, I - I can't --"
"Vi," Caitlyn breathes, quiet but desperate. "Darling, please."
