#fantasticsurprise

[minimexii]

When you forgot you did a thing lol #cardsagainsthumanity #cardsagainsthumanitysavesamerica #day1 #fantasticsurprise

[panegyricmedia-blog]

In love with a sourwolf

Ask Aunt Fanny #2

Dear Aunt Fanny, I’m a sixteen year old guy, exceedingly average at best. I’ve been in love with a girl who barely knows I exist for as long as I can remember and I’ve always been okay with biding my time until she does notice me, maybe because I watch too many movies where the charming geek wins out over the moronic jock in the end. I’ve never dated anyone, never even kissed a girl, but I never questioned my lack of motivation to date. 

What’s the point in trying to make it happen with another girl when I already know my heart belongs to another, right? So why am I writing this letter if I’m so okay with my unrequited love? 

Not long ago something happened to my best friend, not wanting to get into specifics let’s just say he went through some changes, it’s kinda beside the point, all you really have to know is that because of what happened I was forced to spend a lot of time with a guy who I loathe, or I did loathe. 

This is the thing, I’m confused as hell because somehow I went from daydreaming about this guy getting eaten by a pack of wolves to not being able to think about anything else but him and his stupid face and how much I want to kiss it.

I feel like if he knew how I felt about him he’d rip my throat out with his teeth, and not in the sexy way. You’d think this knowledge would be enough to dissuade any sane person but clearly I’m not sane because I’ll catch him staring at me and the false hope is kick-started again. Is there a way to find out if there is a glimmer of a chance without getting maimed?

- In Love With A Sourwolf - Beacon Hills

Dear In Love With A Sourwolf,

I have no doubt that when you say ‘exceedingly average at best’, that you are portraying classic self-deprecation. I’m sure you have dark unkempt eyebrows and a quizzical upturned nose - the mark of any good man - we have a tendency to grow into our looks as we progress through our twenties.

Please, In Love With A Sourwolf, do not consider yourself anything other than an outstanding human being. You have much purpose on this earth, and you will go on to great things.

Now, to the issue at hand. In this modern world, sexuality is a vast and barrier-bending subject. Navigating this can be difficult, especially as a teenager. At some point we need to break away from our parents’ ideals and embrace who we are - through trial and error, and heartbreak.

I believe if you really feel so strongly for this so-called ‘sourwolf’, you need to tell him how you feel. He may not respond to this revelation in the way you hope, but you’ll feel a much-needed weight lifted from your shoulders. If he responds badly (this sounds very Alpha-male, but there will be no throat-ripping, dear), leave him be, and if a relationship beyond friendship is something he’s not interested in pursuing, in time you will move on to find happiness with another.

I’m intrigued by the staring, perhaps this is his own way of communicating with you? For all you know, he’s in the same boat, and is fearful of revealing his inner emotions also. Often love manifests as hatred, so it’s perfectly normal for you to THINK you loathe someone, until the chemistry is so undeniable you can almost smell the hormones.

Is there a friend you can talk to about this? Someone who knows you both well, and could steer you in the right direction? If not, I would begin hunting for a female compadre - women are very good at listening and I sense you would benefit immensely from the guidance of a friend.

Marriage is a sacred commitment - between two parties who care deeply for one another. You’ve just begun to explore your sexuality, marriage will come much later - man or woman.

In my experience, the charming geek always wins!

All the best.

Aunt Fanny

[panegyricmedia-blog]

Ask Aunt Fanny #3

Dear Aunt Fanny,

I'm a man in my early forties, with two children to two different women. The first left me for another woman, the second is the woman I've been in love with since I was a teenager.

We’ve been on and off again for the last ten years, and on the off periods we have remained close friends. Recently, she was offered her dream job in Paris. She accepted, and I agreed to let her go. It wasn’t until she’d already left for the airport and I felt my life unraveling in front of me that I realized I hadn’t even tried to keep it together.

If you asked my friends they would probably describe me as the American Hugh Grant, so I thought, 'what would Hugh do?' I turned up to the airport to declare my undying love for her, and begged her not to get on the plane. Okay so maybe it took until she was on the plane before she realized that she felt the same way, but the end result was she didn’t go to Paris after all.

She's struggling with passing up such an incredible opportunity, but we're raising our daughter together as a family, and I know this is how it’s supposed to be.

My dilemma now, Aunt Fanny, is that while we were on a break years ago, I slept with someone else. This woman has recently contacted me to inform I have fathered my third child, how do I break this news to my partner without destroying everything? Things are finally great between us, and despite the fact that technically I did not cheat on her, (we were on a break) it was a very difficult thing for her to get past.

Also, while I am a man of science, my friend read my horoscope to me the week I found out about this child, it said I should be wary of the number three. Should I be concerned?

- Dr. Not So Perky in NYC, PHD

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Dear Dr Not So Perky in NYC, PHD,

Numerologically, the number three is creative. Many writers, poets, actors and musicians are born under the 3 Life Path, usually bearing great talent for the expressive arts. This doesn't sound like you in the least, so I suspect you shouldn't waste any more time searching for anything ominous in numbers.

I think the key to your complicated predicament is: friends. You say you've been close for a decade, whether sexually or not, and thus you should know now how to communicate this new development.

Of course she'll be upset, this news has huge implications on your lifestyle - there are changes afoot, changes out of her control. But you must be honest. The longer you leave it, the more damage you cause.

I sense your partner does not share your sentiments on what is and isn't acceptable on this break? She clearly has residual issues surrounding this, and will need to let these go in order to move forward with your bond. I suggest if you collectively decide there is unresolved resentment you try couples therapy.

What has the woman who has just contacted you expect in regard to your involvement in the child's life? You need to ascertain this prior to speaking with your partner.

Above all, mistakes happen. Man up and speak the truth. Aunt Fanny, PS. I have enclosed some condoms especially formulated to catch intelligent sperm.