I feel like I'm a boy. I wish I were a boy. I've been in a lesbian relationship for almost a year now and the whole time I've been worrying that I might be a boy, and even before that I wished I was a boy. My girlfriend is bi and transfem and I told her and she's accepting and she wouldn't end the relationship in a million years, so there's at least one person who'd support me but it's just so scary. I used to be in online circles where people were told they can't be a boy just because they like reading mlm fiction because they just "absorb the boy" even though they're just girls so I guess I internalised that... I've used they/them for years and I'm probably nonbinary too but sometimes they/them just doesn't feel quite right anymore. Being a boy is just so much scarier than being nonbinary. And nobody other than my girlfriend would ever see me as a boy anyway even if I tried to pass so what's the point. I do like pink and skirts and occasionally makeup so I don't exactly wanna not do those things for the sake of passing, which is unattainable. I do like the idea of being a drag queen or something though, so I can still dress the way I do but be a boy. But then nobody would even see me as a boy. I wanna be a boy but I'm scared and if I'm a boy nobody will ever acknowledge it so I can't even really be a boy... I'm already nonbinary so what's the point... I'm just scared... sorry...
Imma give myself a random anon name
- Florian anon
Ok Florian anon, I am going to be real with you.
From what you’ve told me, you do sound like a boy. Being a boy, finding out or simply going by different pronouns can be a hard thing and regardless of the theme of my blog, this I serious and you don’t need to give away the things you like or love in favour of being ‘believeable’. While I understand passing can be a security risk, even if you don’t care about that, passing doesn’t define wether or not you deserve your identity and it’s not about wether there is a ‘point’ or not. Hell I don’t pass I haven’t even gotten my hands on testosterone. I am likely never going to pass, but do you believe that just because it would be “easier” for me to identify as something else, does that mean I don’t get to live how I truly want to? That a caterpillar should stay as such because being a moth is scarier?
And on top of that, I see a lot of self doubt so let me tell you: even if it is “JuSt A pHaSe”, everyone is allowed to experiment with their gender and sexuality free of discrimination and if you do happen to not wanting being a boy any longer or found another, more fitting label, that doesn’t make you any less trans or any less of a person. You are worthy of happiness and to be comfortable in your own skin.
Right now, the future might seem hopeless. Nearly nobody acknowledges im a guy outside of the internet as well, but you can’t let that stop you. You will be alright and one day you will look back and think that you’re much better now, if that serves as consolation. You can be a happy boy. Believe me.
