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Fire (Winston Smith x O’Brien - 1984)

Originally posted to AO3

WC: 2,611

Summary: While Winston struggles with his feelings for Julia, O'Brien pays him a friendly visit. Maybe Winston never loved Julia at all, maybe it's always been O'Brien.

Gay marriage was strictly forbidden by the party. As a matter of fact, if you were discovered or assumed to be gay, the thought police would be at your door at night. Winston can recall seeing those thought criminals on the telescreens, those poor men admitting to homosexuality. Winston can guess that most men who are gay end up marrying women anyways, because it would be foolish and risky not to. Winston would know, because that’s what he did.

Winston never truly loved his wife Katharine. He married her because it was easy. He thought that maybe they’d have a child or two, and they’d be fine. But he dreaded sex with her, and he did try to love her. Katharine just never liked to be touched. She didn’t see intimacy as intimate, to her it was like some… chore for Big Brother. Their duty to the party.

Winston met Julia and he began to be happy that Katharine was no longer around. But even when he had sex with Julia, at the end of it he didn’t know if he really enjoyed it. On the surface level he knew he did, because intimacy always felt good. But when he was sitting alone, with nothing but himself, that’s when things got complicated.

Sometimes he’d be looking out the dirty windows of his apartment and wonder if this whole love business was really worth it. If being told those words, I love you, was truly worth risking his life. He’d wonder in his head, do I truly love Julia, or is it merely the idea of her that I enjoy? Maybe just having someone who understands you is what really mattered to Winston. Deep down, he didn’t need to know what Julia felt like. What she smelt like. How her warm skin felt when they cuddled. Maybe, he didn’t need her at all.

And it was thinking like that that really scared him. Because when he first began to speak to O’Brien, he felt a feeling he’s never felt before. A different kind of ping in his heart that wasn’t ignited by Julia. He was terrified of this being the truth, that he was in love with O’Brien. He didn’t love O’Brien like a comrade, he didn’t like him like Big Brother. Deep down in his heart, he knew he loved him how he should be loving Julia.

O’Brien had a brutal face and a mean composure to him. But to Winston, he was still handsome for his age. Winston was almost forty and he hated looking in the mirror sometimes. His face, his eyes, his hair. The way he was already getting wrinkly. Other people his age didn’t look like him, they weren’t seemingly falling apart. O’Brien to him was ideal, what a man should look like. Strong, handsome, attractive. O’Brien was what any woman would want, but Winston didn’t know if he was married or not.

He’d write in his diary whenever he could. After he met with O’Brien with Julia and joined The Brotherhood, that man was all Winston could write about. He’d read Goldstein's book to Julia, then he’d go home and write about O’Brien in his diary. He’d be at work and he’d get distracted easily, just picturing O’Brien in his mind. His face was so nice to look at he wished he was an artist, because if he was an artist he’d draw a thousand portraits and put them on his walls if the telescreens wouldn’t catch him doing it.

Winston just finished writing another entry in his diary. He snuck it back into its hiding place, and he stepped over to his table to grab his pack of victory cigarettes. By the windows, he lit one, and he inhaled the smoke deep into his lungs before blowing it out slowly. He turned his head to stare out his window at the dirty, desolate landscape before him. The dark buildings reach into the cloudy sky, helicopters humming.

Then suddenly, he was broken out of his thoughts by a knock on the door. He doesn’t usually get much company, but he assumed it was his neighbor needing help with the sink again, so he went and answered.

He was surprised by the face he saw, though.

O’Brien.

“What are you doing here brother?” Winston moved to the side to let him in, watching as O’Brien accepted the invitation and stepped into the dingy apartment.

“Thought I’d pay a comrade a visit, of course,” O’Brien said. He walked over to Winston’s telescreen, and he shut it off. Winston was still impressed by that, the fact that they were able to be turned off.

“I didn’t know mine could be shut off, I assumed it was only inner party members telescreens that could…” Winston said. “Do you uh.. want anything to drink? I'm not sure what I have, though.”

“No, I’m fine,” O’Brien said. “All telescreens can be shut off, the party just doesn’t tell those in the outer party.”

Winston thought for a moment that the party must’ve known the telescreen was off. That thought made him nervous, but he didn’t stress out his worries, because O’Brien was standing there so calm about everything. It made being nervous a useless endeavor. Or maybe O’Brien’s presence brought Winston so much joy that it canceled out the stress. The answer to that question, Winston didn’t know.

“Well, then.. have a seat,” Winston said. He sat at the chair he had against the wall where he wrote in his diary. O’Brien grabbed a chair that Winston had at a desk and pulled it up, sitting across from him. “I uh… wasn’t really expecting visitors.”

“It’s nothing, I just wanted to see you,” O’Brien said. Those words sent a thousand butterflies fluttering through Winston’s body. All the way from his belly and right into his chest cavity where it tickled. But he didn’t let it show, keeping still and his face blank. “Actually, I did want to ask.. about Julia.”

Winston’s butterflies seemed to die when Julia was brought up, all dropping back to his stomach as a tight pit. “Right, Julia. What about her?” He didn’t see O’Brien as often as he’d like to as it is. Having him here now, without the voices of the telescreen or the all seeing presence of Big Brother, was nice. But it made it less enjoyable when he had to talk about Julia. Oh Julia.

“Nothing really, I just wanted to know when the last time you saw her was,” O’Brien asked simply.

“Yesterday afternoon,” Winston said. “Why..?”

“No reason,” O’Brien said. “Just curious, is all.”

That made Winston feel suspicious. It was already bad enough he was having a battle with his feelings about O’Brien and Julia. His dying love for Julia was being recycled into a homosexual fantasy for O’Brien. O’Brien asking about Julia, coming to his home to ask, just made Winston nervous. He asks, why? Why is this the question? But that nervousness had a little inch of excitement to it, too. Maybe O’Brien was asking because he was homosexual too, and wanted to see if Winston truly loved Julia.

“Okay,” Winston said. This conversation was dry, and honestly he hoped it stayed that way. Maybe O’Brien would start to talk about work, or The Brotherhood, or anything but Julia. “Is that all you came to ask me?”

“Yes,” O’Brien said. “I just had to see how things are going between you two. Meeting up with someone for more… Personal things is risky. You’re making sure to keep things as discrete as possible, yes?”

“Of course,” Winston responded. “We don’t meet up there every day. Usually once every couple of weeks. Or twice, depending… she’s the one who usually organizes the meetings anyways.”

O’Brien nodded at that, and silence washed over between them for a moment or two. “As a matter of fact, maybe I would like something to drink,” he said. “Do you have any victory gin?”

Winston perked up, “oh, not sure. But I probably do..” he stood up, and headed over and grabbed a cup. He searched his shelf and grabbed his half empty bottle of victory gin. It’s for at least four shots left in it, so he poured one for him and one for O’Brien. He walked over with the two shots and handed one to O’Brien.

“Who may this go to?” O’Brien said, raising his shot in the air.

Winston thought for a moment. “The Brotherhood, of course,” he said.

“Right. To The Brotherhood,” O’Brien said, and tapped his cup to Winston’s before knocking the shot back.

Victory gin always had a strong, sour taste that burned your throat. Winston truly never liked its flavor, but he drank it anyway, much like everybody else. It was a time like this when he missed the wine O’Brien gave him when he first met with him, even if he found the wine to be quite disappointing in the end. At least that stuff was more rich than this sour tasting liquid.

“I’ll never get used to how strong this tastes,” O’Brien said, his face scrunched up as he set the cup down. “Eugh, guess it takes the edge off of things though, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Winston said. He went to open his mouth to speak, but O’Brien kept talking.

“It’s a shame you usually can’t get your hands on the good stuff,” O’Brien said. “I have a question, do you miss Julia when she’s not around?”

That came out of nowhere. “What?” Winston said quickly, “well, yes, I do. I do love her.”

O’Brien just stared. This quiet look made Winston panic a little, because he could tell that O’Brien knew. He knew what Winston was really thinking, and god did that terrify Winston to his core.

“Well-” O’Brien tried to speak, but Winston cut him off.

“Well, no,” he said quickly. “I’m not sure if I do.”

In a quick split second thought Winston assumed that maybe O’Brien was testing the waters. Maybe he knew he didn’t love Julia and he wasn’t mad, maybe he just wanted the truth because he wanted to tell his truth. Maybe he’d look Winston in the eyes and say, brother, I love you as much as a comrade could, and they’d kiss and maybe something else. But then immediately like clockwork he regretted saying that, and he hated himself for acting so damn stupid! He went to speak again, he wasn’t going to let O’Brien speak before he could-

“Well I do—”

“I know.”

O’Brien spoke at the same time he did. That I know whacked Winston out of his whirlpool of thoughts.

“You- you know?” Winston said slowly.

“I can always see it in your eyes, Winston,” O’Brien said. “And obviously it seems you’re not too afraid to really tell me that truth, hm?”

Winston stared into O’Brien’s eyes, as if searching for something that wasn’t really there. “I…” he trailed off, collecting his thoughts as fast as he could. He shook his head, “I suppose. I.. care about Julia but. When I really think about it I don't think I ever..”

“Loved her?” O’Brien finished his sentence, and Winston nodded. “Julia loves you, though,” he said. “If she could see you everyday she would.”

“She doesn’t make it obvious,” Winston said. “She’s a pretty girl, but always so.. serious.”

“Thought criminals like her are usually serious,” O’Brien said. “And foolish. You’re smarter than her but you never seem to give yourself credit.”

Winston felt a sort of feeling at those words. It was a compliment, or at least it felt like one. “I guess I don’t think I ever deserve that kind of credit. Too much intelligence could get you killed,” he said.

“Too much intelligence can also keep you alive, too,” O’Brien said. “You’ve got the mind to stay alive.”

Winston furrowed his eyebrows, “what’s with these compliments?” He said. “It’s not like you to spew them off.” In reality Winston had no idea if that was the truth or not.

It got a chuckle out of O’Brien though. “Can’t I compliment you? I think we’re awfully similar, you know,” he said. “I came to visit because I wanted to ask about Julia and because I… simply enjoy your presence.”

It felt like a match was lit in his chest, and his heart was set ablaze. It was like hearing that someone else enjoyed being around him so much as to take time out of their day to see him gave him a new drive to live. That someone he thought about so much thought about him too. Maybe somehow he had a chance to be with O’Brien. Love him. Kiss him and make love to him the same way he did with Julia, but better.

“You do?” Winston said, “in what way?”

“In what way do you think?” O’Brien asked.

“I don’t know.” Winston felt a hint of frustration seep into his hopeful mood. He didn’t want to write it out for O’Brien, he wanted O’Brien to write it out for him. “You’re just making me feel lost, brother.”

O’Brien sighed, shaking his head for a second before he leaned forward slightly in his chair. “Winston,” he said. The sound of his first name on O’Brien’s lips made him freeze. “If I told you that I loved you not like a comrade but as you love Julia, would you believe me?”

And the spark was back again, and his heart was on fire. Burning, burning to the ground and ravaging through his other organs like an uncontrollable wildfire that showed no mercy for anything else. His eyes widened, that sparkle in his eye igniting. Bright enough to blind a man close enough to absorb it.

“Yes,” Winston said. “I would.”

A smile grew on O’Brien’s face, “good,” he said. He scooted his chair to Winston, leaning in as if he was going to kiss Winston. And he froze- Winston put his hands on O’Brien’s collarbones, keeping him still.

“Wait!” He said, “but it’s forbidden. We are two men, it’d be foolish. Aren’t you afraid-”

O’Brien raised his hands to grab onto Winston’s shoulders, a firm grip to keep him frozen. “You slept with Julia, you came to me to join The Brotherhood, you write in that diary of yours and pay for cheap thrills— you’re an agent of Goldstein through and through. And now you say you’re afraid when real love comes your way?” He said, “what’s scaring you, Winston?”

That made Winston think more than he’s ever thought before. He felt like an idiot. He wasn’t too afraid to fall into a rabbit hole of stupid behavior. Sex in the woods, renting a room above a dingy old shop, his diary, joining a resistance- what was he waiting for now? Big Brother didn’t like when a man and a woman fall in love, so of course he didn’t like it when a man fell in love with another man. Sure homosexuality will get you to the Ministry of Love, but so will messing around with prostitutes.

Truly, what was scaring Winston?

Maybe it was nothing.

Winston’s grip on O’Brien’s collarbones loosened, instead falling slowly to his waist, where he gripped onto O’Brien’s waist.

“Nothing, O’Brien,” he stated confidently, “nothing at all.”

And then O’Brien didn’t wait- but Winston didn’t wait either. Their lips smashed together in a rather violent kiss. Two men who had to keep themselves locked up for two long finally able to shut up and get on with it already.

And this kiss felt more freeing than any kiss with Julia could. Julia was warm and sweet. But O’Brien was fire.