#frederick.mp3

[deathtripdog]

With my mom it’s always “your sister is struggling so much” “your sister gets decision paralysis and I’m helping her clean her room and buying her new bedding just because she wants it” “I wish your sister would go to college because we’ll pay for it and then she’ll have direction in her life” “I wish your sister would find something to do. She lives here without having to pay rent or go to college and she’s always depressed”

Mom I had to pay $250 a month just to stay in the basement without you guys kicking me out when I was depressed and unmediated. You treated me like a burden constantly and never helped with my room and I had to constantly do chores. And when I couldn’t do college without having adhd medication it was like “whatever :)” I also had to work and go to college at the same time. So I got tf out and now you’re like “you never spend time with me!!!”

“We’ll help you with a car but you need to save 10k first”

Meanwhile pouring thousands into fixing my sisters shitty $4,000 car.

[deathtripdog]

im 2 weeks on testosterone btw

[deathtripdog]

I was up so late all week. Last night it was cuz my coworker is quitting and I was so worried about the drama. Today it’s fine. There really isn’t drama. The sun is out. I was finally in a place where I wasn’t just thought spiraling about work and it came back. Tired.

[deathtripdog]

that fucking song came on and then a girl who looked almost exactly like my ex walked in and it’s like I’m going to just go to sleep on my feet my brain can’t do this today

[deathtripdog]

the backs of my journals 2017-2022

[deathtripdog]

actually I’m healed. normal even. I did small talk on purpose today

[deathtripdog]

i work with this girl. when i first started at my job she acted like she was super invested in being my close friend. she divulged a bunch of super super personal information to me, and told me she really trusts me and likes being around me. she would say shit like she was cleaning her apartment just to have me over.

she and another coworker came to my wedding. she had fun. she got to know my other friends and some of my family and told me what a wonderful time she had and how lucky she felt to be invited.

but then she never had me over. she stopped trying to get closer to me. i finally asked her if something was wrong and she was like no wtf, i love you you're great.

now she's only nice to me when other people aren't around. and i only have a good day when she's not there.

when everyone else has left for the day and we're closing she always says "you're my rock. i rely on you so much. you're the best" and its like???? am i????? you're my storm. you're my heart wrenching walking reminder of my loneliness. you're a painful rejection i feel every single day. you're the cold and the dark. you're the girl i finally thought could be a real friend to me after waiting years and years. and to be honest, when she's not there, my job is fine.

but most days she is there. and most days i think about killing myself because it feels like everyone is fucking ganging up on me. they'll literally be whispering to each other RIGHT NEXT TO ME just quiet enough so i can't hear. and ill be at my work station unable to move away from them. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO YOU BITCHES TO MAKE YOU ACT LIKE ELEMENTARY SCHOOLERS

[deathtripdog]

spent my life studying and perfecting music just to do nothing with it because I’m too tired from my boring ass job where everyone pretends I don’t exist.