You are NOT the Father!!!
Warnings: Inaccurate medical jargon (again), slight misunderstanding and arguments, implied smut, possibly ooc Dottore Segments and Pantalone (well at least he smokes that's in character), should I tag it as a crackfic too lol?
Part 1 here in case you missed it!! (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)
It had already been a few months since the baby arrived, and it had been smooth sailing for you.
Is what you'd say if you were lying.
Pushing out a whole-ass baby was not on your bucket list when you got together with Zandik. In fact, both of you were dedicated researchers in your own field.
Researching with Zandik, especially with so many versions of him, was certainly fun. Every segment has its own view, which you recognized as the original Zandik in that particular age.
They were also, just as sexually frustrated as the original him in that age.
This was bound to happen one day or another, though not unwelcome. You only wished someone had warned you about the amount of peace you'd lose by having a child.
"This book says the baby will start walking when it's 9-12 months, and start speaking around the same time," Segment 8 says, reading out from a child development book he'd taken an interest to recently.
Segment 8 had taken upon himself to 'monitor the condition of the newborn'. Although you were rather reserved towards the idea of letting an 8-year-old take care of a baby, you realized that maybe Segment 8 would benefit from being an older brother/a younger uncle towards the infant.
And seeing how interested he was in keeping you company while you were taking care of it, you were right. Segment 8 never did the tasks that the other adult segments did (feeding, changing, putting the baby to sleep); he simply lingered in the corner, waiting for his turn to be the one being pampered by you (he was your first baby after all).
"I see. Anything else, Little Doctor?" you ask, as you put the baby down in the bassinet for a nap.
Little Doctor, now internally overjoyed that you had decided to give your sparse attention to him, flipped the pages to tell you more facts on child development (Segment 45 got it for him, thinking that it would help Segment 8 understand that the baby needed more care than him).
"And it will be able to use tools around 13-18 months old. We can get crayons so it can draw what it sees."
"That's amazing! Would you please draw with the baby then?? It would love to see your aranara drawings too."
"Mhm. Sure." He nods, now taking a seat in the corner of the nursery.
You sigh as you run your fingers through your hair. Taking care of a baby was...challenging. The adult Segments always made sure to be present and 'take shifts' to help you out, but there's only so much they can do. The baby required your constant attention, which was something neither you nor Zandik could help.
"Maybe I should take a shower. Little doctor, could you keep an eye on the baby for a few minutes while I fetch an older segment? I'd like to wash up, so it's better that one of them is here to keep a watch over the baby."
The younger Segment nods as he carefully scooches his chair near the bassinet. You'd rather not leave him with the baby alone, not out of distrust but rather due to how young he was himself. Which makes you wonder.
Where in the world were the other Segments?
Meanwhile, on the other side of Il Dottore's laboratory.
"I object!" Segment 18 protests, slamming his hands down on the table.
"What makes you state that your sperm count is higher than mine? You're older than me! Everyone knows 18-30 is the best range for a man to be fertile. I can excuse Omega, but you, YOU!! I'm not taking any lip from you, 45."
Segment 45 sneered at the younger Segment's outrage, offended by his comment, "Okay, first of all, rude," he remarks, "Second of all, the tests speak for themself. I'm not the one who's wrong when you're the one who's blind. Perhaps you should've controlled your baklava intake before bringing up an objection."
"But he's fundamentally not wrong, though," continues Segment 25, "Omega and I have the highest sperm count as well as motility rate. If it comes down to any of us, it's probably him and me."
"That's not counting the day of conception itself?" 65, who had chosen to stay silent for most of the discussion, spoke up, "Both of you have proven that you have the highest factor in getting her pregnant. However, I was the one who engaged in intimacy during her fertile window. A woman's ability to receive sperm during that period is not to be underestimated. Especially a strong and healthy woman such as my wife."
"Well, we cannot deny that either," ponders Segment 45, "She was violently ill in her first trimester and towards the end of the final one. It may be you in a way."
Segment 25 raises a hand to object, the one who was most medically aligned compared to all the Segments present, "Actually, it would be too late instead. Sperm can stay alive in the uterus for up to 5 days. Though losing some of its potency, any man trying to conceive at that point is probably useless. The one who got to the womb first matters."
"Give up. You can never beat the amount of energy I have," Segment 18 smirks as he sits back down in his seat, too smug in his youth.
"Actually, we make sure to thoroughly 'wash out' before engaging in intimacy ourselves," Segment 45 said, ruffling in his overcoat slightly.
"What do you mean?" asks Segment 18, a tad nervous.
"I mean, I don't want another man's semen on my private parts. The thought makes me shudder," explained the older Segment.
"You-I-What-"
"18, don't tell me you've been.......going at it without giving it a thought..." Segment 25 made a face, disgusted at his own younger self.
Segment 18, enraged and perhaps slightly humiliated, went off, "I-DOES IT EVEN MATTER-"
"It's hygiene-"
"WE'RE THE SAME PERSON ANYWAY-" he argues.
"That does not mean I'm having my penis covered in your semen. You cause enough trouble for my wife as it is with your premature ejaculations."
"I LAST LONGER MIND YOU-"
Segment 25 rolls his eyes at Segment 18's display, "Sure. And you definitely do not use your own hand on the days you cannot access her."
Segment 18, now thoroughly humbled and chastised, dropped in his seat and slouched further in it.
Segment 35, or Omega, saw that the younger Segment was out of any justification, stood up to the board to present his research and arguements.
"Well, coming back to the point," he says, clearing his throat, "Sure, you may have engaged in intimacy with her during her most fertile window, but that does not mean it would take you a single try to conceive. The possibility does exist. However, they're quite low given your age."
"Who said I was giving it just a single try?" rebuts Segment 65.
The entire conference room fell silent enough to hear a pin drop. Out of all the Segments present, Segment 65 scientifically had the least chances of conception.
That is, unless he was going at it with you like rabbits in heat.
Pantalone, who'd chosen to remain silent during the whole ordeal, mostly out of neutrality, spoke up, visibly impressed by the oldest Segment, "My, I didn't know you had such vigor within you in your old age, Zandik? Pray tell, how do you even keep up with the missus?"
"You flatter me, old friend. I'd be lying if I said I did it all. Both my wife and I switch sides on who serves. Turns out she quite enjoys my company in more than one way," Segment 65 explains, humbly nodding.
Although he was the most mild-mannered Segment of Zandik, mostly due to his age, it was clear he was not to be taken lightly, and wouldn't back down without a fight.
"No wonder she's all tired after she's done with you. This bastard's the one who's making her do all the work!!" accused the youngest adult Segment in the room.
"I will certainly not take any criticism from you, young one," Segment 65 denounces, laying his criticism on thick this time, "Perhaps the reason you're the one doing all the 'work' is simply because you do not understand the importance of inviting the woman to have her own way and have her own rhythm instead of swinging your hips with no finesse."
Segment 18, now completely and utterly defeated, simply stared at the oldest Segment as he was left with his jaw on the floor and nothing but a humiliating silence emitting from it.
Segment 25 snickered at the sight of the younger Segment being put in his place, "Well, the possibility of the baby being yours just rose up by 1.24 per cent. Congratulations."
"However, I, 25, and 45 are still in the lead. Although we did not ejaculate inside of her as much as you two have-"
"That's because you like to see her swallow it instead, don't you," Segment 45 interrupts Omega, who was stating his offence.
"-shush I'm not done. The three of us are in the lead for the most likely paternity. Which means the real father of the baby is-"
Before Omega could declare the real father of the baby (according to him), a polite knock interrupts the conference room, all the attendees now turned towards the source.
"Zandik?" you call out as you pry the door to the conference room open and walk in, "Hey, ummm, I was wondering if one of you could watch the baby for me while I wash up. They're with Little Doctor right now, don't worry. My hair's getting greasy and-"
You halt as you notice not only every single Segment, but also The Regrator in flesh, attending what looked like a project proposal.
"Oh, greetings, Lord Harbinger," you address him, "I must apologize for my unkempt appearance. I wasn't aware we were receiving such an important guest today."
Pantalone stands up and offers a polite bow, "There's no need to apologize, Missus. It is I who is intruding today."
"I see, I'll take my leave then-"
Before you could excuse yourself from the premises, you accidentally took one look at the board behind Omega, and the title projected onto it. Reading them, you felt as if you'd been left out in the bitter, icy cold of the Snezhnayan Tundra.
'Probability of Paternity'
"What-" you utter, betrayal lacing your tone.
Segment 45 immediately gets up, heeding to the distress in your voice, "Love I-"
"What the fuck is going on here?" you ask, your voice quivering.
"Let us explain-" he continues.
You step away from Segment 45, choosing to corner yourself against the door instead, "You know if you wanted to go this far, you might as well slap me on the face-"
"It's not what you think-" Segment 25, who's gotten ahold of the situation, tries to de-escalate.
You simply shook your head, "Oh, it is exactly what I think. Better yet, why don't you just kill me and use me for one of your experiments-"
"Honey, that's not what we're-" Segment 65 explains before getting cut off.
"Why else would you think I cheated on you and had someone else's child?" you sob out.
For the second time during this whole seminar, the entire room is engulfed in total silence. All the attendees now paying you their utmost attention.
Well, except one.
Pantalone, who had attended the 'Paternity debate' out of sheer boredom, was enthralled by the way the events had unfolded so far. He knew the animosity Zandik's segments held towards each other, but was deeply captivated by the way they all seemed to share one thing, or person.
You.
And you interrupting the oh-so-comical seminar of determining the baby's 'real' father was truly the cherry on the cake. Or rather, the straw that broke the camel's back.
The camel being Pantalone's restraint from laughing at this entire charade.
While the Segments all stood looking at you, you instead chose to direct your irritated gaze towards the Ninth Harbinger, who was now cackling like a madman in his own seat, clutching his sides and wheezing not unlike a broken old kettle.
"Hahaha haha! Oh dear, I haven't had a laugh this good in decades. The last time I laughed this good was the time I saw Pulcinella with his tongue stuck to an icicle."
"Pantalone, not helping," Omega seethes through his teeth.
"Pardon me for my rude behavior right now, Missus," Pantalone, now calmed from his earlier outburst, takes off his glasses to wipe the lenses with a silk handkerchief.
"You simply misunderstand," he continues, "They're not discussing whether or not you've been faithful."
"Then what is it, Regrador? Because that's exactly what it looks like to me," you assert, clearly upset at his earlier outburst.
He puts on his polished glasses as he turns towards you with the most polite, diplomatic smile he could conjure at that moment, "Ah, I believe I may not be the person to explain that to you. Zandik, if you-or shall I say-all of you would do the honors?"
You turn towards all the Segments now instead. They all looked like they were caught doing something they had not, similarly to how Segment 18 looked whenever you caught him throwing away the youngest Segment's notes, so you were positive it was what you had assumed.
'Still,' you thought, 'I suppose I could give them a chance to explain themselves. Worst case, I'd simply go to the Tsaritsa to seek protection along with Little Doctor and the baby.'
"Go on."
"We were….determining the paternity of the child through means besides the DNA," Segment 18 speaks out first.
"Uh huh. And what compelled you to do so?" you question, wrapping your arms around yourself.
Segment 25 takes over, continuing, "……we were making sure whose baby it was."
"And? Whose baby is it, Zandik?" you push, regretting your decision to give them a chance to explain themselves.
"One of us five's," Segment 45 states plainly.
"That's it, I'm leaving-"
"But we don't know which of us five yet," Omega calls out behind you, stopping you in your tracks.
You pause, hand already on the door handle, and slowly turn around, a befuddled expression painting your face.
"Huh?"
"Here, take a look," Segment 18 steps forward, pushing a tall pile of papers towards you.
You step closer to the conference table as you take a look at the paper on top with the title 'Probability of Paternity ~ Segment 18'. As you flip through the papers, you see papers written by the other four segments as well. The contents being graphs based on Sperm motility, time of conception, ovulation time frame, and so on.
Segment 18 takes it upon himself to start briefing you on the contents, "25, 35, and 45 have the highest possibility. I am the one next, then 65, due to 'techniques' and age. But 65 just defended his case right now and sits above me apparently-"
"Correction: his fertility is still lower than yours. It is a matter of correct timing-" Segment 45 interrupts.
Omega breaks him off on that, "Which is where I and 45 come in. We were both with you as well as Segment 65, but looking at the statistics, it should be me-"
"Get off your high horse for once," Segment 18 butts in, "What makes you say your sperm quality's better than mine?"
To which Segment 25 makes a face as he chimes in, "We must take hygiene into consideration as well. Unlike Segment 18 here-"
"So…" you ponder, making them all put away their differences for a moment, "…you all were holding an investigation here to…determine which one of you is the real father?"
"Yes," they all reply in unison.
"But……the DNA matches all of you. All of you are the real father. So, shouldn't there be no argument for that?" You try to reason with them.
"Well, that's quite silly, isn't it?" Segment 45 smiles at your statement, finding it quite illogical.
"If DNA was the only thing that tied us to the child as a paternal figure, you could call Segment 8, who's clearly a child and a minor incapable of handling a baby, the child's father purely based on DNA," he explains.
"Well, I don't think like that obviously, he's a brother, or a young uncle to the baby at best-" you went off.
"Let me put this bluntly for you. We're determining which one of us impregnated you first." Omega interrupts your process of thought, laying the facts bare for you.
For the third time today, the room was encompassed in dead silence before uncontrollable laughter broks it.
Although this time, it wasn't Pantalone.
You laughed so violently that you almost doubled over and fell on the floor. A Segment (you have no recollection who) caught you before you could kiss the floor and steered you to a chair. Though you were saved from sniffing the dust, you weren't spared from doubling down so hard that you slammed your head on the table (almost there was a stack of papers to cushion you from the pain of cold metal digging into your forehead).
Pantalone was soon to follow you, laughing to the point that his long-term smoker lungs wheezed in between.
The Segments simply stood there, looking between you and Pantalone, wondering what exactly it was that you two had found so amusing that you'd lose your wits.
Well, at least you weren't mad at them anymore.
After what had felt like an eternity, Pantalone is the one to calm down first. Well, as calm as he could be with the lingering effects of the best laugh he's had in his life so far.
"Oh dear, looks like I need a smoke or two after this. This has been the most worthwhile venture ever," he speaks out, wheezing slightly as he does so.
"Absolutely no smoking in my premises!" Omega denies, "Or that of my wife's!"
"Pass me one, too! Never in my living days had I ever thought the fathers of my child would actually argue amongst themselves!" You say to Pantalone, fighting down your own giggles as you ignore the Segment.
"No smoking for you either! Ever! I already deal with one chain-smoker who thinks my medical services are effortless. I don't need another one on my hands." Segment 25 shuts you down.
Before you could utter another cheeky remark that was sure to get on all the Zandik's nerves, the communication terminal buzzed, beeping twice before you heard the perturbed voice of the youngest Zandik in your ear.
"Hey, the baby is whining. I don't know what to do. Are you coming back soon, or should I call the standby nanny instead?" He asks, poor thing, being the only one left with an infant.
"Oh, Little Doctor! I'm so sorry for leaving you alone for so long. I was just caught up here with something. I'll be right back with Zandik, don't worry," you comfort, assuring that you'll be back soon.
"Okay. I'll keep an eye on them," he sighs and cuts the line.
You get up from the chair, smoothing out your dress, blood rushing to your ears as you remember what went down in front of two (or more like Segments of one and another) Harbingers. You looked up at all the Segments with a teasing smile.
"Well, so who's coming along with me? Or are we still going to fight amongst ourselves over who's the real father instead of focusing on the bigger picture?" You playfully chide them all.
"I shall accompany you this time," Segment 65 steps forward, awkwardly rubbing the beak of his mask, "It has been a while since I've held my child."
You nod to him as you turn to Pantalone, "Okay, please excuse my leave, Lord Harbinger. I apologize for my outburst earlier as well-"
He waves his hand at you, dismissing your worries, "Please, Pantalone will do, Missus. I wish you and your family good health. Next time we meet, let us discuss this little 'meeting' over a cup of tea as friends, shall we?"
"Of course, much obliged."
Segment 65 steps between you, wrapping his hand around your lower back to escort you out, "Let us take our leave now, Dear."
You smile up at him, then at the others as you wave at them all, promising to see them soon.
"Silly men," you murmur under your breath, "Just like him years ago. You say you're all different, but deep down, you're all made of the same soul."
"What was that, Dearest?" Segment 65 asks, closing the door behind him.
"Nothing," you smile cheerfully, wrapping your arms around his, "Let's hurry, our little hatchling is waiting for us."
Behind the door, the remaining Segments watch it as it closes on itself, leaving them and their company suspended in an unpleasant silence.
"So...was this all useless?" Segment 18 breaks the quiet.
Segment 25 simply fell back in his seat, sighing as he rubbed the bridge of his nose.
"Well, clearly we need to wait a little longer, at least until the child is able to be partially independent so as to not require constant surveillance," he says in his tiresome voice.
"That'd take months, if not years," states Segment 45.
Segment 25 raises a brow, "You have a better idea?"
"I see it as more time, we could contribute more factors to the authenticity of our claims, and present them once we agree on a time," says Omega.
"Didn't you just hear what Wifey had to say dipshit," Segment 18 swears, "she didn't want us fighting over paternity, did she?"
"Ah, ah, there's where you're wrong," he smirks, "her exact words were, and I quote, 'are we still going to fight amongst ourselves over who's the real father instead of focusing on the bigger picture.' Clearly, the bigger picture here is to focus on making the child partially independent."
"You read that so wrong," Segment 45 disagrees, making a face.
Omega simply shrugs, turning around to wipe down the blackboard, "See it as you will, but I never leave my research incomplete."
He turns around and smirks at the others.
"Besides, I'd love to see the look on all of 'my' faces when I declare the child as mine scientifically."
Segment 25 scoffs, "Good luck with that."
"Not before I will, you old tosser," says Segment 18.
"You mean you'd love the look on 'your' face when I declare the child as mine?" snickers Segment 45.
Pantalone wonders if Sandrone's tea parties are even this entertaining.
'Actually,' he smirks to himself, sneakily taking out a cigar, 'they never will be, and never shall be. They lack a 'Zandik' after all.'
Too bad his cigar was slapped out of his hands by Segment 18 before he could light it up.
a/n: HAAAAAAAAAHHHH I FINALLY FINISHED IT ♡〜٩( ˃▿˂ )۶〜♡!!!! Sorry about taking so long with the update teehee I was like deathly sick (I had pneumonia) also I burned my thumb on hot caramel so I couldn't type without screaming in pain for a while (ꈍωꈍ)
Anyway, I was wondering what gender to give the baby, but I am not good with like parental/child fics lmao so I just left the baby as "da baby" so just insert whatever you want lmao (๑>•̀๑)
Taglist: @alephless @mooncheri @mrs-luuk88 @turningmad @akaeyamain @0sweetpink0 @ciaratomioka1432 @sheiokha96 hope y'all enjoy ദ്ദി◝ ⩊ ◜.ᐟ
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