SEx
I hate sex.
I wish procreation went without pleasure sometimes.
Don't get me wrong, It feels great, it smells great, it tastes great. I just think it fucks shit up too much.
Before I go any further, note that I am in a Long Distance Relationship and that I am tired.
I miss sex too much to function at where I need to. Sometimes I think that problem will work itself out in the future, but what if it doesn't? I wish I could turn off the sex in mine and my girlfriends relationship to focus on the "nitty-gritty" All the things we fell in love for and the things that we still love about each other.
Its really my fault though, that I feel this way. For a significant portion of my life i have enjoyed the pornographic arts, the only problem is that I quickly became addicted to them, and before I knew it my thought processes had been altered just enough to see the world differently. It has made me super jealous of anyone trying to get my girlfriends attention for fear that she'll be seduced WHICH IS FUCKING BULLSHIT IF YOU ASK ME! Who am I to not trust her like that? She has only given me love and respect and I return it with "cheating" on her via pornhub. FUCK ME! I'M AN ASSHOLE FOR THAT!
I have put it down though, I've gotten by for about 2-3 weeks now, no porn no nothing. Its been hard (pun intended?). Things have changed for me internally, I feel different, I think different, and I act a little different. Less and less, things that were associated with sex in my mind have lost that attachment. I feel "cleaner" (not to sound like a pretentious asshole). I hope I can stick with this for good.
Back to sex, I guess I don't really hate sex, but there are a lot of things that I wish didn't come with it. I'm tired of the longing lonely feeling that happens when her warm body isn't curled up in my lap, or she isn't laying on my chest asleep. I miss the intimacy that comes from face to face contact.
I miss the intimacy, even that weird intimate moment you have after that rough, biting, scratching, clawing, pounding, sex that makes you walk crooked for a few days and take careful showers. Even then, the intimacy is in that trust thing. You trust your partner to not physically harm you, thats fucking good stuff right there. If only I could sell intimacy in a bottle...
My absolute favorite thing about sex is probably the feeling of being wanted. I feel like its most concentrated then. That desire that the other person has for you played out in not just something you trust that they have, but you can see/smell/hear/taste/touch it. I love that feeling, that closeness.
And i'm getting sad/lonely now. I'll see my gf and best friends this weekend though, It'll be ok. Off to bed. Nighty Night tumblrers.