FaTshion!
I don't know if this is a mid-life crisis or what, but suddenly I care about fashion. I've been pretty happy with a general schluppyness this far, so I tend to see this as some kind of undercover political protest my brain is trying to pull on me without my being too aware of it. Where once I would have ignored the urge until it either went away or became part of my personality through sheer doggedness, all those years of therapy are paying off - I'm going to examine the idea, at length, in public. You get to watch, or at least scroll to the next, more interesting post. This is mostly a professional urge - the idea that I want to bring a little more to work than my brains, experience, and imagination. That's silly, because I'm a game designer. No one is looking at what we wear. Nevertheless, I can't help feeling like somehow, my clothes are my brand. No, that's not right - my brand is my confidence, experience, and integrity. The clothes - they are just the logo for those things. But there's also this; one of the reasons I'd let my interest in fashion (and my own wardrobe) wane to such dismal depths is that It's easy to turtle up in the guy guy guy guy guy[...] guy girl world I work in. But you know what? That's ridiculous. None of those guys care what I wear, as long as it's within the bounds of legal. Every time I've made an effort in the past two years, (excepting this past month, where I've made an effort every day and they pretty much think I'm interviewing because I pretty much am) someone has mentioned that I look "nice". This is good - it gives me confidence, which is its own feedback loop. See, because one of the things you have to do as a lead designer or creative director is push for things that people don't want you to have, because they cost money. And if you go into that with low confidence, you will not be what your game needs you to be. So if putting on a crinoline and cowboy boots makes me feel like a badass cowgirl game designer, it is to the benefit of my game, my team, and my company that I do it. This issue of confidence is core. I don't wear makeup (besides lipstick) every day, because come on - I have a life, right? Who has that five minutes to spare? I only wear makeup to interviews or when representing the company or on dates with the Husband. But when I do, my daughter always watches. Rapt. She asks for me to apply it to her. (I do, usually a little lipstick, with the closed lipstick tube. "check your lips" I say" are they red?" of course they are, she's four.) She always asks me why am I putting on makeup. I never tell her that it's because makeup makes me prettier or more attractive or more professional - I always tell her that makeup makes me feel more confident. So if fashion is anything profound, maybe it's that it can change your relationship with the world - not that world which is out there, inhabited by others, but the world which only touches your skin. Fashion can make you feel confident, sexy, dangerous, risky, calm, buttoned up, etc. Applied right, that can affect your success in any endeavor. And that's great, and so first world, wow, what a privilege. There's also another element to my burgeoning relationship with fashion, which is #FATshion. Im on diet, and its going well, and I do have hope that someday i will be able to maintain at just fat, not morbidly obese. I'm not a small woman. I'm tall, and large of bone, and I'm carrying enough extra weight that my big bones aren't even noticeable. I... take up space. Which is not a gentle euphemism for coming right out and saying I'm fat. I am, totally. It's a physical expression of a personality trait, actually. Because, despite having spent some time in my life trying to learn to be demure and helpful, I pretty much always come back to opinionated fat chick. As evidenced by my attempts at toning myself down, I'm not entirely comfortable with this. And so. So adding clothes that are more than just tshirts and jeans seems pretty risky. Who wants to be the loud, fat, obnoxiously dressed chick in the room? Me, evidently. I like stuff that's sexy, structured, saturated, and interesting. So... among the other unrelated things I'm going to use this blog to post about... Fatshion!