it’s the fact I love you, how I spend ever day infatuated over you, but I’m scared. I’m so fucking scared of what will come after. your lips always tasted better than the blood in my mouth and your touch felt better than the cuts that faded to scars. but what if you took that away. you would leave me breathless and all I would remember are the nights I stayed up all night with my best friend throwing up pills and liquor. the blood in the bath tub, it would be everywhere, there would be so much blood. the weeks I wouldn’t get out of bed because it would hurt too much to live and the nights I didn’t sleep because I thought of you. I would think to the way I would be shaking so much I wouldn’t be able to write anything down. I wouldn’t be able to stand in the shower because I would be so dizzy from not eating in four days. it would be the way the blood dripped of my finger tips and the way my insides burned from the smoke. it would be the hole in my chest from where my heart was ripped out of me. it would be the tears stained pillows and make up smeared cheeks. the smell of smoke from lighting our cigarettes off the sweater you got me. it would be the way my lips bled from biting off the skin. it would be the way I felt after not showering. it would be the nights with my best friend cleaning up my tears and blood and trying to hide the smell of you and whiskey on my clothes as we sat in her room lighting all the candles. it would be the make up work from weeks of skipping school and the extra hours for my mom who stayed home to make sure I wouldn’t tie a rope again. it would be the stumbling and crawling from my head spinning the my lungs empty because you took my breathe away. you took it with you. it always hits the hardest from the people that you love most. I just really love you but holy shit I am so goddamn scared.
{4:11 am} Nov. 02, 2014