It's been a while since I've written here and that sucks because I've wanted to numerous times but didn't have the amount of time available to not rush through my words and feelings. Well I woke up at 430am extremely unhappy , I've watched the news and played on my phone in hopes of going back to sleep. See just the hubs and I are on a weekend vacation and of course I didn't think to pack gym clothes or I'd just go to the gym while he sleeps. Instead I get to lay here next to him heading him snore and breathe. I guess it's the world's way of giving me my journaling time.
Not sure if anyone reads this or not but just in case here is an update. My kids are improving, we've worked through some issues and I think my teenager and I are coming to an understanding. That said this understanding is not a drastic improvement but there are moments where I feel relief.
My diet and exercise are going really well. We started back to our keto way of eating and I love it. I have energy, my stomach issues are gone and I'm dropping weight. I've been going to the gym, not as often as I'd like but for a mother of six who works 2 jobs I'm lucky to go at all. But I vowed my lack of patience with my children and my putting myself last had to change. I find when I feel healthy I'm more patient. After all what good is a mom who is always in bed or the bathroom or is in so much pain every word that comes out of anyone's mouth just pisses me off.
However, things in my sex life haven't improved. I am in my prime. I didn't agree to once a week nor would I have. I need more. That sounds terrible and maybe if there weren't so many occasions in the in betweens that made me feel rejected and hurt then once a week wouldn't be so bad. For the last 15 years I've struggled with feeling beautiful, sexy, worthy and wanted. I went into our relationship knowing my fear of initiation and putting myself out there sexually has had a negative impact on past relationships. So I try to initiate, I make it very clear when I want to be intimate or want a quicky. Now that I think of it we have actually NEVER had a quicky. Anyways, not much has changed and really those familiar feelings that I've tried to push away from the last 15 years are more front and center than ever. Instead of journaling, instead of flipping channels, instead of playing garden of words I want to lay here and cry. I won't though because it will wake him and let's be honest what good will it do... NONE.
I'm glad the world gave me journaling time. I needed to get all that out. It hasn't fixed anything but it has hopefully stopped me from opening my mouth and making things worse. Doubtful but hopeful.
