1. Abuse is a choice every single time. You choose to scream, hit, call names, gaslight, and break things. And you can choose to not do those things.
2. It does not surprise me that a society that has such a rigid hierarchy based on class, that treats women as second class citizens and children as investments and workers as robots, that friendships are transactional and partners are possessions, hat has the pressure cooker regarding stress and burnout on the highest setting 24/7, and that discourages learning emotional regulation skills (or at the very least puts the behind an expensive paywall) has such a serious problem with domestic violence, child abuse, and workplace abuse.
Doing a lot of reading on interpersonal violence in early modern Europe right now for an essay on how it intersects with gender and it’s pretty harrowing, tbh. Not only for the bald facts, particularly on judicial violence - which is frequently absolutely *sickening* - but for the memories a lot of it brings up.
My rollator is way more effective than my old crutches were as a mobility aid, especially for the decreased level of mobility I have now, but I do miss having two big solid metal sticks to hand. There’s so much *hatred* for disabled folk out there and I can’t help but feel more physically vulnerable now, especially with increasing fatigue and dislocations and the fact I’m not really able to run now.
-- from a post on instagram by clementine morrigan. the caption is as follows:
These are the agreements I use in my relationships for expressing anger safely and responsibly. These are also my boundaries for receiving expressions of anger. In my current relationships these things go without saying because I have secure, safe relationships in my life today. But I’ve had experiences in the past where people express their anger in unsafe ways, therefore it’s important for me to know what my boundaries are and stick to them. 🖤🖤🖤
ugh i hate this post honestly. i feel like it idealizes a very particular (and very white/western) kind of nonviolent communication, while also opening the door for disposability politics / punitive “justice” should any of these agreements be crossed. it also privileges / idealizes / romanticizes an idea of safety that is a) often just not possible in this world, and b) is ideologically suspect anyway.
i’ve liked some posts by clementine morrigan, i think? but this is shitty
i mean yeah some of these things make “sense” ... but i also think that relationships that always have to adhere to “sense,” which are about rules (lol i mean “agreements”), have serious limitations (for actual nuanced relationality) especially in a violent world
i don’t know. i think it’s valid to not want to, like, have things thrown at you. to not want to be treated violently. but this post also treats a lot of things like they’re on the same level, when really name-calling or raising your voice are not at all the same as throwing objects at people. i really think degree matters
i’m much more interested in trying to work through harm rather than set up these bourgeois “agreements” to begin with
it’s not wrong to have boundaries or need to leave if people hurt you. it’s not wrong to call it out, per se. but i think there’s a difference between calling it out in context vs. making these generalized posts about relationship agreements/rules
and i think that’s where i really see the damage in posts like these: they “educate” whole “communities” of people on how to dispose of each other rather than actually helping people to understand why violent behaviour arises and what can be done about it
or rather, the answer to “what can be done about it” is always “leave / have more boundaries / let someone else or some other structure deal with it” which i think can be damaging as a generalized PSA response
also.... not all of these things are abuse or violent
name-calling isn’t always violent. yelling isn’t always violent. “boundary crossing” is a really vague phrase that can easily be appropriated by / subsumed into liberal boundaries discourse. “demeaning and humiliating behaviour” and “threats” really need to be qualified
without context and clarifications, these “agreements” are just more tools for people to decide that abuse is happening in order to serve their own interests rather than actually pay attention to material realities
i’m just tired of this kind of non-nuanced PSA-style bullshit
let’s try to attend to the contradictions of behaviour and relationships & try to figure out what a loving relationship looks like for different people. we can still discuss violence while attending to context, i’m not arguing for extreme relativity either
i also find it very ironic that she frames this post in her caption as if she’s talking about specifically her needs, but the actual post is so clearly, obviously intended as a public PSA / for public distribution.... at least be honest about what you’re doing
“Stone also discusses the phenomenon of what appears to be a trend towards waning interpersonal violence in England, at least, as the early modern era moved towards the modern. He discusses how the gendered practice of nobles and gentlemen habitually wearing swords as a mark of wealth and status in the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries both reflected and enabled the fact that interpersonal violence was common amongst the upper classes as amongst the lower in this period, quoting the case of the seventeenth century gentleman John Aubrey who was nearly killed due to sword attacks three times in his life; once by a drunk stranger in a London street, once during an argument amongst friends in legal chambers, and once “by the Earl of Pembroke during a disorderly election in Salisbury” .”
This is an excerpt from a postgrad essay I wrote last year about trends in interpersonal violence during the early modern into the modern period in the UK and Ireland. What I realised as I wrote; as a Scot; the society described reminded me intensely of how the modern US reads to me in the 21st century, minus the clear delineation of types of weapons as class signifiers. And ofc it’s not swords; it’s weapons that can kill multiple people in moments.
I *do* absolutely understand why trans folk, BIPOC folk and other marginalised and intersectionally-marginalised folk might want to own guns *in* that society ; when bigoted assholes are likely to target you I can entirely understand the feeling of safety in reciprocal arming. It’s the society where the idea that guns are desirable and glorified, and that an amount of interpersonal violence - not to mention state-on-marginalised-citizen violence - is acceptable that seems thoroughly difficult to understand - to me at least.
It’s not even gun laws that seem to be the issue, or at least not the entire issue; while the UK gun laws are unusually restrictive, gun deaths in both homicide and suicide seem to be considerably lower in most parts of the world that are not engaged in active armed hostilities than in the US, including states with reasonably lax gun laws.
In my essay, I noted a reduction in interpersonal violence throughout Europe during the period in question which was not due to weapon restrictions; not only were more destructive personal weapons being invented and becoming more affordable during that period, but the majority of interpersonal killings outside armed conflicts that took place during that time were not perpetrated by the more sophisticated weapons that were available then, but with sticks, stones and other improvised weapons. Not to mention that the reduction in interpersonal violence seemed to take place quite a bit earlier in northern than southern Europe; Stone particularly noted that the Italian states didn’t seem to see the reduction that had began in places like the Germanic states in the 17th century until well into the 19th. IIRC he was leaning towards vendetta culture as explanation for that, but the evidence for reasons is always much more open to interpretation that even early modern statistics. I prefer his explanation over some earlier authors’ racist ideas about “hot-blooded Italians”, at least.
(I can dig out the references here if anyone is interested in reading further. Stone is dry AF but very worth reading.)
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Interpersonal skills are the set of abilities and qualities that allow individuals to communicate, collaborate, and build relationships with others. These skills are crucial in today's world, as we interact with people from all walks of life, whether it be in the workplace, at school, or in our personal lives. In this article, we will explore the importance of interpersonal skills, how they can be developed, and the benefits they bring to individuals and society as a whole.
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Interpersonal skills are a combination of various abilities, including communication, active listening, empathy, conflict resolution, and teamwork. These skills are essential for building strong relationships with others and establishing trust and mutual understanding.
Communication is the foundation of interpersonal skills, and it includes both verbal and nonverbal communication. Verbal communication involves speaking clearly and effectively, while nonverbal communication includes body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. Active listening is another critical skill that involves paying attention to what others are saying and responding appropriately.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It is a crucial skill for building strong relationships, as it allows individuals to connect with others on a deeper level. Conflict resolution is also an essential skill that involves managing and resolving disagreements in a productive and respectful manner. Finally, teamwork involves collaborating effectively with others towards a common goal.
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Interpersonal skills can be developed and improved over time with practice and effort. Some ways to improve interpersonal skills include:
Seek feedback: Ask for feedback from others, such as coworkers, friends, or family members, on how you communicate and interact with others.
Practice active listening: Pay attention to what others are saying, and respond appropriately. Show interest in others' perspectives and ask questions to clarify their ideas.
Develop empathy: Try to understand and appreciate others' perspectives, experiences, and feelings.
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Participate in team activities: Join groups or clubs that involve teamwork, such as sports teams or volunteer organizations, to practice collaboration and communication skills.
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Interpersonal skills bring numerous benefits to individuals and society as a whole. Here are some of the benefits of interpersonal skills:
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Enhanced leadership: Interpersonal skills are a critical component of effective leadership. Leaders who possess strong interpersonal skills are better able to inspire and motivate their teams, build trust, and create a positive work environment, build strong relationships, and collaborate towards common goals. Interpersonal skills include communication, active listening, empathy, conflict resolution, and teamwork. These skills can be developed and improved over time with practice and effort.
