i know i’m going to get emotional when i go see mcr. their music saved my fucking life so many times.. and long live the black parade.. just sounds like goodbye forever for real this time.. and i really don’t know if i’ll be able to handle that.
god! FUCK?? please don’t take them forever.. please don’t let this be their actual final goodbye, it CANT end.. please.
I’m barely here anymore (how many of us are?) but when I am I tend to lurk. I randomly clicked on my blog today and saw that my theme kept reverting back to the mobile version. I went into edit mode and was notified that there was some “suspicious code” so it was reset. I remember finding each of my themes, changing the colors until it was just right, finding pictures, setting page links, and it’s all gone. I don’t have the heart to track this last theme down (and anyway I already tried and I ran into dead ends) so maybe it’s time to close this chapter?
I remember scrolling for hours till I got to posts from the previous day. I remember the fandoms and only having this place to check in with to see how the rest of the world was feeling about big news. I remember writing about nothing at all. I remember having to save GIFs in a folder for later use. I remember making friends and following real life friends (shout out to my first friend from the east coast, and that guy I had a crush on in college - hope you’re doing okay in ... Ohio, I think?). I remember seeing a split GIF for the first time (it was a scene from Harry Potter) and being truly awed. I think that’s what I’ll remember the most - the unbound spirit that people used to create the most wonderful things. I have spent hundreds of afternoons going down rabbit hole after rabbit hole. I’ve gotten lost in whole new worlds thanks to so many here.
I feel like I’ve grown up here. Learned so much, for better and for worse (there’s definitely some stories that will haunt me).
Maybe this is my last post, maybe that post will come and I won’t even realize it. Who knows anymore.
But I wanted to say something. Have some sort of record that I felt that my time here has passed. Like school. It’ll always be mine, and I can always come back but it won’t be the same.
So to wrap this up, here’s something from a silly old bear:
“Goodbye? Oh no, please! Can’t we go back to page one and do it all over again?”
(Hoo boy. I had to rewrite sections of this. Then I had to sit back and quietly cackle to myself. Then I had to wonder if I was a bad person for enjoying this.
It may be a few days before I can start on 15, fyi.
Also, the title for this chapter (which is also on AO3! Same name for me and it!) is...
Is this goodbye?
Words: ~2500)
“Red or blue?”
“EDDIE. SHE’S BLIND. IT DOESN’T MATTER.”
“That’s not the point! I just… ugh!” Eddie tossed both shirts back down onto his bed before flopping back onto it as well. He glowered up at the ceiling, watching as Venom’s head moved up into his field of view.
“YOU ARE BEING STUPID.”
“And you’re being unhelpful.” He shoved at the head and rolled onto his side. A less charitable person would have called it sulking.
Venom sighed and moved again to look Eddie in the eyes. “WE LOVE LITTLE BIRD. YOU LOVE HER. SHE LOVES US BOTH. WHY IS THIS DIFFICULT?”
Eddie rubbed tiredly at his face. “V, it’s not that simple… I don’t… I don’t know if she feels the same for me as she does for…” He trailed off, dropping his hands tiredly.
“FOR US?” Venom tilted his head curiously.
“Yeah.”
“SHE GAVE YOU KISSES. SHE DIDN’T GIVE US KISSES.”
Eddie huffed out a breath. “You ate all her chocolate. You’re lucky she didn’t throw you out.”
Venom nodded slowly, eyes narrowing. “SHE HIT US WITH A SHOE. WHEN IT WAS YOUR FAULT.”
“The only reason she didn’t hit me too was because she missed. Damn impressive that she even hit you, V.” Eddie reached out, finally tugging Venom’s head close to his chest so he could stroke along his jaw. “You’re really not helping by trying to compare like this. Emotions are just… complicated for humans.”
Venom cuddled his head up under Eddie’s chin and rumbled soothingly. He gently spread tendrils along Eddie’s skin and tightened them into a gentle hug. “YOU ARE STILL BEING STUPID.”
“Maybe I am. But after everything that happened with Anne…” He trailed off slowly. The tightness in his chest and throat whenever he thought about his ex was absent. Yes, he felt a little sad… but it wasn’t the same. Was this moving on?
“EDDIE.” Venom’s teeth nipped the edge of the man’s jaw to get his attention. “FOR HUMANS TRUST IS PART OF LOVE, YES?”
Eddie nodded slightly and resumed his gently stroking along Venom’s head. “Yeah, it’s a pretty big part of it in my opinion.”
“YES. AND WE TRUSTED LITTLE BIRD WITH OUR SECRET. WE TRUSTED HER WHEN WE WERE HURT. VULNERABLE.” Venom insisted, being surprisingly patient.
“…Well, yeah. I mean, we didn’t mean to trust her with our secret, she figured out who I was. But I would have told her.”
“LITTLE BIRD TRUSTS US, BOTH OF US, EDDIE. SHE TRUSTED HER BODY TO ME. SHE TRUSTED HER PAIN TO US BOTH WHEN THE BAD THINGS HAPPENED. SHE TRUSTED HER BODY TO YOU BY SLEEPING BY US. VULNERABLE. YOU ARE JUST BEING STUBBORN AND STUPID.”
Eddie tugged Venom’s head away from his throat and stared at him suspiciously. “When did you start getting wise about relationships?”
“LATE NIGHT SITCOMS.”
Eddie shuddered and pushed himself back to his feet. “God, we really are doomed if that’s our source of advice.”
~
Eddie left a voicemail for Liz when she didn’t pick up the phone the next morning. He’d made reservations at a restaurant for tomorrow night and wanted to be sure she was free at the time. He also wanted to check on how she was doing. Despite not answering, he wasn’t too worried. There were plenty of reasons for why she might not have been able to answer the phone.
Instead of worrying, Eddie and Venom went out to get work done. Taking several days off to look after Liz meant that Eddie wasn’t doing research for articles. Articles that would then be used to pay for important things. Like rent and utilities. And chocolate. Too be fair, a lot of his work had gotten easier since Venom came into his life. Or at least less threatening. Possible drug deal going down? No problem trying to sneak in for a peak. If everything went to hell Venom would just get a few extra heads to eat.
“What if we did an article on you, V?” Eddie asked, twirling a pen between his fingers while sitting a table in a small café. Venom had formed a tendril into something that looked enough like a Bluetooth that people wouldn’t question why Eddie was talking to himself.
YOU COULD ACTUALLY CORRECT SOME OF THOSE STUPID RUMORS ABOUT US. Venom’s interested was piqued. He’d been somewhat grouchy all day.
Eddie chuckled and started scribbling notes onto a pad of paper. “Yeah, those lizardman theories are pretty funny.”
THEY ARE NOT. THEY ARE INSULTING. Venom had tried to threaten a newspaper seller the first time he’d seen one of those articles. Eddie refused to allow his symbiote to eat the newspaper man and the actual author.
“You’re being sulky.” Eddie teased playfully.
HMPH.
He set the pen aside and looked out the window at the cars busily speeding to and for, the people talking on their phones as they strolled past. It was a pleasant day outside, they really should go out and enjoy some of it.
“Why don’t we go check on Liz tonight if she doesn’t call me back? You can bring her chocolate as an apology.”
He could feel the symbiote perk up within his body at the idea. YES. THEN WE CAN GET OUR GOODBYE KISS TOO.
Eddie couldn’t explain to Venom why the thought of a goodbye kiss suddenly made him feel anxious.
~
By the time the sun had set there was still no call back from Liz. Eddie reminded himself that she probably couldn’t know if she had a voicemail on her phone. She might have been in the shower or something and hadn’t even heard it ring. Trying to be reasonable, he called her again to let her know they were planning to stop by soon.
There was still no answer.
Eddie felt worry settling into his stomach like a heavy stone. It didn’t help when Venom picked up on the feeling too. Of course, Venom didn’t do well with sitting and stewing on things. He wanted action. Eddie didn’t argue when the symbiote demanded they go check on Liz.
Venom dug his claws into the side of the building and reached out for the window.
We forgot to grab chocolate for her.
He snarled and pushed the window open, slipping into the dark apartment. “SHE HAS MADE US WORRY. WE ARE EVEN.” His long tongue lashed the air as he prowled through the living room and into the bedroom. No sign of Liz. More worrying, the scent of her within the rooms was fading, old.
No one else was here?
“NO. HER THINGS ARE GONE. THE STICK. HER JACKET. DOOR IS LOCKED.” Venom had walked over to the door to double check.
Eddie didn’t want to think it. Didn’t want to say it. But…
What if she was attacked on the street again?
Venom snarled and whipped around. He ran to the window and leapt out, leaving it open behind him. He didn’t care about human etiquette right now. It had been too long, with too many people around, to follow a scent on the streets. But Venom knew where Liz liked to shop for her snacks.
He slammed into the small shop, barely avoiding smashing the door. The woman behind the counter, far less impressive than Mrs. Chen, screamed and instantly tried to cower under the counter. Venom merely leaned over and snarled down at her. If he was here to kill her, she would already be dead. Stupid woman.
“WHERE IS-“ He broke off for a moment. “LIZ? WHERE IS SHE?!” It was only the second time Venom had ever used her actual name. Calling her little bird made her… his. He liked that. But no one else, except maybe Eddie, was allowed to know or use that name for Liz.
“What?! She-she hasn’t been in! I have- I haven’t seen her in a w-week. Oh god, don’t kill me! Please don’t kill me!”
Venom snorted and shoved away from the counter. He stalked out of the shop and stood still, hands clenched into fists. Not having some kind of solution to a problem was an unpleasant sensation.
V, I have an idea. What about that work buddy of Liz’s, Calvin?
Ah, Eddie was an investigative reporter. Of course, he would have ideas for how to continue the search for their little bird.
“WHERE IS HE, EDDIE?” Venom snarled, leaping up to climb to the roof.
Well, I don’t know yet! Get us home, I can find out where to find him.
Venom was going to get answers from this Calvin, one way or another. He hurried to swing home so Eddie could get a location for them.
~
Being bonded to the symbiote meant that Eddie had a good idea about what Venom had planned. And scaring the shit out of Liz’s coworker to get answers was going to be their last resort, not their first. He spent most of the trip back to the apartment arguing with Venom over it. Finally, the symbiote relented when Eddie pointed out that fear could work against them. And that it was still an option at the end.
Eddie threw himself at his laptop once Venom got them back into their place. He couldn’t let himself think about anything but the work. He already had the name of the company Liz worked with, once on the website he found their staff and located Calvin’s information. No home listing. Fine. Eddie started googling his name to get an address. Thinking too much wasn’t going to help. He would start seeing blood splashed on sidewalks. Hospital rooms. Funerals.
His hands were shaking bad enough that his handwriting was nearly illegible. Eddie stopped and braced himself against the desk, letting shudders run through his body. No. Liz was a fighter. Independent and strong in her own way. She was going to be fine.
WE WILL FIND HER, EDDIE. TOGETHER.
He swallowed hard and nodded, lifting his head and quickly writing down the address. “Yeah. We will.”
They had to.
~
Eddie parked the motorcycle and leapt off, hurrying up to the steps of the apartment complex. It was a nicer place than his, not that he cared, but the main door was locked and he would need to be buzzed in.
WE CAN CLIMB IN. BREAK A WINDOW.
“Last resort, V.” Eddie muttered under his breath and pressed down on the numbered buzzer. Hopefully Calvin was still awake, it was pretty early in the night still.
After a few moments there was a staticky noise from the intercom. “Hello?” The voice was Calvin’s, mildly annoyed.
“It’s Eddie. Eddie Brock. Look, I need to talk to you.”
“In the middle of the night? No, I’m not going to help you with some damn article.”
Eddie gritted his teeth and pressed harder on the intercom. “Liz is missing. Last time I saw her was yesterday afternoon. I called her this morning. She wasn’t home when I checked about an hour ago. I just want to know if she’s safe.”
There was a sudden click from the direction of the door before Calvin’s voice came back on. “Get up here so we can talk.”
~
“We have to take this to the cops. She hasn’t been gone forty-eight hours, but she’s blind. She could be hurt somewhere and have no way of getting around. Liz wouldn’t have gone this long without contacting either of us. She has clients who rely on her being available when they need her.” Calvin looked tired, slumped in his chair.
“They’ll take too long, I can find her faster. I just need something to… give me a direction.” Eddie said, pacing back and forth in front of the other man. Between his own agitation and Venom’s, he couldn’t stand still.
Calvin frowned faintly at Eddie. “How can you do better than the cops? They can track her phone, once they have a warrant.”
Eddie paused for a brief moment to rake his fingers through his hair and glare at Calvin. “I can’t explain how. I just can.”
“I know you’re worried…” The other man’s voice actually turned gentle. “You love her, don’t you?”
There was a long moment of silence as the cold ache settled back in Eddie’s chest. He could feel Venom’s attention fixated on him. On his answer.
“I never told her.” Eddie whispered softly.
Calvin sighed and leaned back again. “Look, I don’t know if this will help, but one of Liz’s cop friends, Allen, passed me some information. It’s not public. If you print this, it’s going to be my job, Eddie.” He said sternly.
“I just want to find Liz. I swear.”
“That fire at the station? It wasn’t natural. It started in the holding cells. And the only person from the holding cells that is unaccounted for is Aaron Sidler, Liz’s patient.” Calvin had closed his eyes, rubbing at his face. “I was going to tell Liz tomorrow.”
Eddie was grateful that Calvin wasn’t looking because Venom tried to surge up from his body. Rage, fear, and horror exploded from the symbiote’s mind, nearly swamping his human host. Eddie staggered and put his hand against a wall for support. He worked to send calm strength back to Venom. Not here, not yet.
“I need his files.” He knew his voice was hoarse, tight.
Calvin’s head snapped back up, eyes shocked. “What?” He shook his head. “I can’t give you confidential files, Eddie. That’s… too far.”
Eddie snarled, fighting to keep Venom from coming out and forcing the information from the stupid, rule following, man. “I can find what I need online, Calvin! It’ll just take me longer! That could be the difference between finding her alive and finding her dead! This isn’t for me, this isn’t about egos. I just want to find Liz!”
The man leaned further back, licking his lips nervously. Perhaps Eddie hadn’t been fully successful in keeping Venom completely hidden. “I can’t.” He croaked out. “I’ll lose my license. I can’t give you those files.”
“YES. YES YOU CAN. AND YOU WILL.” Venom covered Eddie’s body and stepped closer to the man. He leaned down to bring his face, and his many teeth, closer to Calvin’s face. His hands were braced on either side of the chair, effectively pinning him in.
Calvin was shaking in terror, face pale as he made small, terrified noises.
“GIVE US THE FILES. NOW!” Few normal people could cope with having Venom screaming in their face.
~
Venom and Eddie left through the closest window, swinging away from the apartment. They left behind a traumatized, if intact, man and Eddie’s motorcycle. It was faster to go around this way and Venom’s limited patience was already wearing thin. He clutched a packet of papers as he rushed to find a safe place to go through them. To let Eddie find the thread that would lead them to the one who had taken away his little bird.
“WE ARE COMING. WAIT FOR US.”
Because Venom didn’t know, didn’t want to know, what he would do if she wasn’t still waiting for them.
If you see this, I am just letting you know that I have established a ‘back-up’ blog because I have no idea what happens next in Tumblr, and whether this my original blog - in Tumblr since 2013 - will still be workable (after been flagged NSFW and its status not changed despite several requests over the last almost two weeks). That ‘back-up’ blog is @lady-tp - very quiet and inactive still, though.
What happens next - who knows? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Maybe all goes on as normal and I get this blog’s safe status back - maybe not. Maybe it becomes private and nobody but me (if even me?) will see it. Maybe sky falls. Maybe something else happens. ????
I guess we’ll see…
I am still ladytp in Pillowfort, ladytp in LiveJournal and even ladytp in Dreamwidth - although I haven’t been very active in any, recently.
