for itsaprettyoddworld
Recipient’s username: itsaprettyoddworld
Title: Breathe
Rating: G/PG
Warnings: mental breakdown, “swearing”
Word count: 2.2k
Summary: Dan and Phil are soon to be married. But as the wedding day is coming closer, they argue about every little thing, which has a bad impact on Dan.
Dan and Phil are soon to be married. They have been planning their wedding for months now and are really excited to finally spend the rest of their lives with each other as the day is coming closer. After they get married, they plan to adopt a child. And if they do adopt the child, they would need more space for the three of them, so they will have to move houses. Of course it isn’t decided yet, what if one of them does not want to adopt anymore? What if they think they aren’t ready to raise a kid yet? But already making decisions is stressing both of them out.
But in the last two weeks, they have been argumenting over the stupidest and smallest things. After their argument, one of them would either lock themself in their room, them being angry and sometimes even disappointed, so is the other and wouldn’t care anymore for their argument and decide to give their partner some space. After a few hours - in which they would try to distract themselves by talking to a friend or filming a video (but the Phandom notices if they are upset about something, but Dan and Phil just shrug it off when they are being asked about it) which is not always the case and blame themselves for what they have done, both apologize, and the apologies are always accepted with a smile and a kiss on the cheek. But that cycle has been repeating every day.
It is common for couples to fight, of course, but does it have to be every day? That is what both think, but their fighting never seemed to end.
They argued about every little stupid thing, it does not matter what. But they also argued about the important things: their wedding, their adoption, and moving.
As for the wedding; Phil wants to wear something more colorful, not a black and white suit, as he is not fond of the color black, and thinks it is boring to wear the same as everyone else does, but Dan wants a traditional wedding and they have not decided about the cake yet.
As for the adoption: neither of them know if it will be a boy or a girl yet. Dan wants a son who is around four years old with light brown hair and nice green eyes, that would be perfect for him, and Phil wants a daughter who is eight years old, he doesn’t care what she looks like, he knows he would love her either way. Then they also argue about the names. They did not decide if they would use their birth name and call the child by a nickname, or change it completely before they might adopt, and both of them have asked the other one if they actually want to raise a child, and the answer is “I’m not sure. Can we talk about it some other time?”
And for moving: Phil would like to move back to Manchester so he can visit his family more often; of course he would miss his friends who live in London, but he also misses the city he was born and grown up in. Dan would like to stay in London, as he got used to the police sirens interrupting him every time he tries to film a video and the busy streets, but it can be also comfortably quiet, especially on rainy days. But then, they would need a spare room for their child and get all the furniture they need, but both have not really talked about that yet.
Dan and Phil both hate these arguments, but sometimes they need to say their opinions on different things, and sometimes, the other one does not agree on them, so they would like to voice their mind.
And both of them are still very careful with what they are saying; Dan tries not to yell at Phil, he can not deal with being yelled at, he would be upset about himself because someone yelled at him, and that is never a good thing and he would blame himself even more, but Dan can raise his voice. Phil tries to express himself clearly and tries not to use strong language, his beloved brown hair colored friend can understand many things in the wrong way and will take offence for what he has said, and Phil is someone who rarely swears, but his lover can get on his nerves at times. Both try to keep it down, but things do not always work as you want them to be.
And both have talked about coming out, but neither of them would want to do it. They are engaged and they might adopt a child and might have to move houses, they can not hide that easily behind their backs like they did with their book. Both of them are scared, scared of not being accepted. They know that their community is majorly accepting and nice (and ship them anyway), and they appreciate that, but there would be people out there who would hate and make fun of them for it, they would just try to make them feel bad about themselves, and they both know that that would happen, negative thoughts always arrive earlier than the positive ones.
But not all arguments end with just an apology, a smile, a kiss and “please let’s never fight again”, they can turn out really bad, and that only by just a few words.
—————
Their apartment looks like a mess, and someone needs to clean up. But it’s not Phil for sure, he cleaned most of the apartment last week. He knows his adorable boyfriend is currently busy with family drama and is also a bit stressed because of the wedding, but he could at least clean up the kitchen.
So Phil walks to the living room, where Dan has set up his camera to film a video. When Dan notices him, he looks up to his so-called “angel bean” or what he is also called “cinnamon bun” and gives him a smile which Phil loves, and he smiles back at him.
“Do you need anything?” Dan asks. Phil looks to the ground, “I know you want to film a video right now, but could you do it later on and clean the kitchen? It’s not much,” he answers and looks up to Dan again. “Can I do it after I filmed the video?” Dan suggests and Phil shrugs. “But every time you film a video you edit it straight away, and it takes longer than cleaning.”
“Then I’ll edit it tomorrow, I just want the video to be uploaded by Friday, and it’s Wednesday,” Dan answers and Phil shrugs again. “Please film later. If you clean up, I’ll cook dinner, okay?”
“Or how about, you’ll clean up and I’ll cook dinner? This video is longer than usual,” Dan whines and Phil shakes his head, a bit annoyed by Dan’s answer. “Have you noticed that I mainly do the cleaning and you the cooking? Can we change the roles for this time?” Phil says, not really wanting to clean . “It’s just for one time.”
Dan gives up and agrees on it. As he stands up to walk to the kitchen, he turns around, “And what are you doing?”
“I will tidy the bathroom,” Phil answers cheekily and laughs. “But there’s barely a mess!” Dan protests and throws his arms in the air, he would rather clean the bathroom so he can film his video. “I know, but I just think it’s fair that you’ll clean a bigger mess some time.”
“I’m the biggest mess and I haven’t even cleaned myself,” Dan mutters quietly but still audible for Phil to hear and leaves to clean up.
—————
The door slams shut loudly, startling Phil who is in the living room just lying on the couch and thinking about anything that comes to his mind. He is curious what could have upset Dan, but doesn’t want to bother by checking on him. Still, Phil is worried and decides that he should check. He gets up from the couch and walks to Dan’s room. The door is shut and Phil hesitates to knock.
“Leave me alone,” is what Phil gets as an answer as he knocked three times quietly on the door. “Are you sure? What’s wrong?” he asks. “Yes, everything’s fine,” Dan replies in an angry and annoyed voice. He knows Phil doesn’t believe him but he has really had enough for this moment. And he knows Phil is worried about him, but it would just cause him more stress than he already has. And he knows that Phil would come in through the door sooner or later, he wouldn’t leave him alone in his room.
A few seconds of silence pass and the door is opened quietly. Phil shuts the door slowly and quiet footsteps which are going to Dan are heard, who is sitting on the bed, his elbows propped up on his knees and his face buried in his hands.
“Dan?” Phil asks and kneels down so he’s on eye level with Dan. He takes Dan’s hand in his, but Dan withdraws it, not saying a word, he’s not really in the mood for any explanations or talking now. Phil sighs and puts Dan’s hands down on his knees, and his hands touching Dan’s, Dan doesn’t move. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Dan replies bitchy and doesn’t bother to look at his worried lover. .
“Something is bothering you, don’t say there’s not,” is Phil’s answer, but Dan shakes his head, “you know you can tell me.”
“I’m fine, just go back and do what you were doing. I can handle this on my own.” Dan really does appreciate the help Phil offers, but he just doesn’t want to cause any more problems, which could cause an argument again.
“We both know you can’t deal with every problem on your own, Dan. I’m just trying to help,” Phil says and Dan shakes his head again.
“Why won’t you leave me alone for a while? That will help,” Dan is already pissed off by this situation and is making it obvious, but Phil is being stubborn and doesn’t want to accept anything Dan says.
“Did you notice that we both have been “alone for a while” in the last days? If you’ve got a problem with me then tell me!” Phil knows he’s not making the situation any better, and he can see that by the look of Dan’s face, but if he does have a problem with him, then he should tell him and not shut up about it.
“I don’t have a problem with you,” Dan snorts back, “but you aren’t making it any better. Just leave me alone, for God’s sake!” Dan yells and stands up to walk to the door, fresh air will clean his head, but Phil is having none of it, so he grabs Dan by the wrist and he doesn’t bridle.
“Dan, I just want to help you, don’t you understand?” Phil asks quietly and waits for his response. “I know that I’m the problem, please, just tell me what I’m doing wrong,” Phil begs for Dan to tell him what’s on his mind, but it seems that he’s talking to the wall instead of Dan, whose back is turned to Phil.
>>Please leave me alone<<
>>I can do this on my own<<
>>I cause too much stress<<
It’s silent, no words to be heard, Phil is still waiting for Dan to answer, he hasn’t let go of his wrist.
It’s in this moment, that Phil hears Dan sob.
“Dan?”
>>I’m a mess<<
Dan cries, and doesn’t stop. He can’t stop it.
>>I have no control over my body<<
Dan is shaking. He wants it to stop. He tries to move, but only to fail. He feels like he isn’t even in his body anymore.
>>I can’t breathe<<
He gasps for air, as if he were to die at any moment, his breathing is uneven.
>>I’m uncomfortable<<
He wishes this wouldn’t happen. Not now. Not in front of Phil.
Any time but now.
>>Please make it stop<<
>>I’m hot. I’m sweating<<
He feels like he’s in a desert, fully clothed in black, no water, his throat is dry.
Phil pulls Dan closer slowly. He embraces Dan in his arms and tries to walk him to the bed. He won’t stop shaking, he won’t stop crying, he’s still gasping for air.
He sits Dan down and sits next to him. Phil cups Dan’s cheeks with his hands and softly turns Dan’s head to him.
“Dan, everything will be okay,” he says and wipes Dan’s tears away with his thumbs. “Take a deep breath in and breathe out.”
“Breathe in,” Phil repeats, and Dan tries to.
“Breathe out,” he breathes out.
Dan repeats this a few times. His breathing is steady. There are still tears escaping his eyes and he’s still shaking.
Phil puts his arms around Dan’s torso, rubbing his back gently and letting Dan cry into his shoulder.
“Everything will be fine, I’m here.” Phil kisses Dan’s cheek.
A few minutes pass and Dan has stopped crying and shaking. His arms rest on Phil’s shoulders and his face is still buried in his shoulder.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“I couldn’t take it anymore. All these fights and yelling and-” Dan is interrupted by Phil.
“No no, don’t talk, just get some rest.
Both spend the time talking, and Dan slowly falls asleep. Phil puts the black and grey duvet over Dan’s body, gives him a kiss on the forehead and lies down next to him.
“You’re a strong man.”
