thinking about jin and auggie again. and maybe it's the breakup talking and i know that half of this is made up in my mind but i have such a strong idea of what their relationship was like. ok imagine you're two college girls both immigrated from far far away and you're so excited to learn and change the world but you're also so so lonely. and then you make friends with this group of other incredibly smart people and there;s this one other girl. you're wildly different but also the same in all the ways that matter. passionate and unyielding and a little ruthless maybe but so full of love for the world. you become best friends and the loneliness fades away. life is hard and doesn't get easier but in other ways you two feel like perfect shining stars and it doesn't really feel like there's anything missing. you love her and she loves you. as inseparable as you can be on a course schedule that overlaps less and less the further you get. you kissed once at your friend's house party but it was for a game and didnt mean anything really. nothing could be better. you had to stop living together and it felt like grieving. you hated the scent of her smoking in your apartment until you couldn't smell it anymore. you made a conscious choice to stay close together for grad school. things are always simple and easy between you two. you finish postgrad and your lives begin to separate as you pursue your ambitions and change the world like you always meant to and seeing each other once a week is still pretty damn good for people as busy as you two are, but it never really feels like enough. you miss each other when you're in the same room and your hugs get longer and you start casting your gaze after her longingly and one day your eyes meet. but one of you gets a boyfriend and life is good, it really is, you wouldn't change a thing, but you wonder if somewhere along the line there was a path you didn't see. a promise you never made. a promise you never realized you could make.
and then your world cracks in half. your mentor dies and so does one of your best friends, and another best friend is doomed. the sky is full of eyes and numbers, everything you worked for, all the learning you've done has been reduced to nothing by forces completely out of your control. you make decisions you can never take back. and the moment when you finally understand the commitment you could've made to each other is the moment you realize that you can't make it anymore
