This vent turned Loki Appreciation Post™️ got rather lengthy, so I'm gonna pop it under a line so it doesn't take up too much space on your feed. But I do appreciate it if you read it. I need some good vibes...
I don't really talk much about my personal life on this blog, but I've been having a Week™️. Well, maybe Two Weeks™️. Two weeks ago, my wife and I had the beginning stages of a cold and accidentally passed to 3/4 other people in our TTRPG group. We got over the cold, and last Monday night/Tuesday morning, we were in the ER because my wife was having such intense upper abdominal pain. She seems to experience acid reflux in an atypical way. The meds they gave her have been helping, so that seems to be what it was, but now she's getting a sore throat again. We went to the clinic today. She got a strep, flu, and COVID test, which all came back negative, so the person said she likely picked up a virus while at the ER. (Even though we were both masked the entire time, there is still always a possibility.) Now I can't tell if I'm getting sick, too, or if I'm just stressed out of my mind. I've been taking care of her for the majority of this past week and haven't really been able to take care of myself in the ways that I need to. On the few days she was feeling ok, I went to some overstimulating events that I don't feel like I fully recovered from, either. I've been holding back a full breakdown all day, but short periodic cries have helped relieve some tension.
And here's where I'll tie it in to Loki: last night, I decided to do some journeywork since I haven't in a good while. I thought it might also be some good self-care time to visit the little home space I've made with Loki and his family. The thing is, Atlas was the one to great me as soon as I entered trance. In chatting with him a little, it was obvious that Loki called on him to really drive home the "you don't have to carry/aren't carrying the whole world on your shoulders" message. After this realization, it took me a second to really lock onto Loki's energy so I could talk with them about it. When I finally did, they showed me all these key stepping stones of progress in my journeying practice, especially finding and traveling to different locations. So they asked, "Why do you want to come to this place you spend so much time in?" Referring to our little home space. I broke down, and when I heard myself speak, it was like I was hearing a child. I was saying I just "wanted to see daddy" (i.e. Loki) and I didn't like that every task I picked up felt like a whole world for me to carry. Then I started apologizing to nearly every major deity in the Norse pantheon for not doing any of the work we've spoken about doing together. Each time I named one, they appeared before us. I was bawling into Loki's chest as they held me, and I could feel the tears and snot dripping down my actual physical face, too. As I did, I shifted into a toddler. Loki wasn't just hugging me. He was holding me, my legs around his waist with his right arm under my butt to hold me up. He motioned to everyone around us, saying that they are all family and part of this home space. Like my inner circle. Then he referenced me going to other circles (i.e. learning about and working with deities or spirits from other pantheons and practices) as a way for me to learn. And that they will all still be here for me even when I venture out to "meet new people" and that some people I meet may even join us in our inner circle. Cue Apollo walking up to us, holding his arms out for me to go to him. Loki passed me over to him like a parent handing their kid off to a babysitter or family member. There were a few small things that happened after that, but I'm still so struck by that sense of family. I felt so much more relaxed crying into Dad's (Loki's) arms. I felt safe and loved, and I felt safe and supported even when I was handed off to Apollo.
I'm really holding on to the comfort of those moments right now as I still try to care for myself in this moment. I am slightly dreading the inevitable inner child work that this was also clearly alluding to, just because I know it will be a lot emotionally, but it clearly needs to be done, right? It feels like a lot to maintain my current practices and deity relationships AND explore new ones. That in and of itself feels like taking on the world, and that doesn't even include all of the mundane adulting shit I have to do every day. I've just been so overwhelmed and overstimulated this week. I need everything to just stop for a second. I need to not be needed for just a little while. I need to be held for just a little longer until every last ounce of tension gets released from my mind and body. I need to get 10-12 hours of sleep for the next few nights. Gods, give me strength and rest, please. 🙏
