carossell + if i were dating you
“You know… The waitress at the diner asked me if we weredating today.”
John made a small grunting noise of surprise from where hesat in his armchair, gaze flickering away from where Caroline stood in thekitchen down to his hands. She set the two mugs she’d grabbed down on thecounter with a quiet clink without looking at him either—staring straight aheadas she tried to figure out how in the hell to continue now that she’d blurtedthis stupid fact out.
“I was surprised too.” She said finally, a small (almostnervous) laugh weaved throughout as her lips twisted up into that half-grinCaroline had borrowed from John long ago. “And I guess… I guess she didn’treally ask if we were dating as much as… Well, she—she asked me where myboyfriend was when I showed up for lunch by myself.”
“What’d you say?” The quiet rumble of John’s voice settledover her shoulders like a warm blanket. She looked over at him for a moment,unsurprised to see him still very obviously avoiding looking at her. She knewit was a bad idea to bring this up.
Caroline had planned on never telling him about thatconversation, honestly. Because what was he going to say? He’d lost so much inhis life. It made sense not to want something else you could so easily lose.She understood that—perhaps better than she should.
“I… didn’t say anything.” She sighed. “I just shrugged andlaughed and made noncommittal noises about it just being me for lunch today.”Her hands went through the familiar motions of pouring the coffee into the twomugs, stirring a bit of sugar and cream into hers, his left black. Caroline wasquiet as she walked over towards him, waiting to speak again until he looked upto take his mug.
“I should have said we weren’t together. I’m sorry.”
Caroline’s eyes went wide for a second, brow furrowing asher heart thumped loudly in her chest at his words.
“Don’t be sorry.” He said with a shrug of his shoulders anda sip of his coffee. His jaw twitched a little as he swallowed. He still wasn’tlooking her in the eye. “You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to.”
“But—But we’re not… We’re not dating, you’re not my boyfriend. I—I shouldn’t have let her thinkthat you were. That’s not fair. To you.”
Blood was rushing in her ears. What was he saying? What didhe mean? They never talked aboutstuff like this. Yeah, maybe Caroline was pretty positive she was in love withthe man in front of her, but—he had his ghosts. And Caroline had promisedherself that she would never try to force him into forgetting them. She wouldnever even begin to think to try and take the place of the woman he loved andthe family he lost.
So why in the hell was he telling her not to feel thishollow pit inside of her for allowing someone to think she had? For even asecond? She should have shut down that notion without a second thought. But shehadn’t. She’d let herself sit there all through her meal with a stupid grin onher face because someone somewhere had thought that she, Caroline Park, was themost important thing on this earth to John Cassell.
And God had it felt wonderful.
“Yeah, well, dating me wouldn’t be much of a picnic anyway,ma’am.” John said, chuckling as he took another swig of his coffee, his voicestartling Caroline from her thoughts. “So don’t start saying it’s not fair forme when I’m telling you now it wouldn’t be much fair to you either.”
Caroline stared back at the man in front of her as so manyemotions swirled through her at once that her head felt dizzy with them all.Her jaw clenched a little as she finally took a seat on the couch across fromhim and sipped at her own coffee.
“Guess it’s a good thing we’re not, then.” Her voice wasquiet, words almost swallowed completely by her mug as she brought it to herlips again. “It’d probably be… It’d be a huge mess, I’m sure.” She saidfinally, smiling a little sadly and rolling the mug back and forth between herhands.
“Yeah. A regular shitshow.” John replied. Caroline couldfeel his gaze on her now, soft but blazing bright all at once. “...Stilldoesn’t mean you gotta explain yourself to that waitress next time.”
Caroline felt a flush come over her face as she looked backat John. It was eerie how he could do that—almost like he could read her mind.(Though that didn’t scare her as much as she thought, given her circumstances.)
“She doesn’t gotta know shit about us.” He continued,nodding once. Almost to himself, almost as if he was making a decision to adilemma that he’d been mulling over this whole time. “Nobody does. You okaywith that, ma’am?”
A small soft smile crossed over Caroline’s lips. It wasmaybe the closest she’d ever get to John Cassell saying he didn’t mind beingthought of as hers. Or that somebody thought of her as his…
She’d be a fool to turn him down.
“Yeah. Yeah, I think I can live with that…” Caroline said,standing and setting her mug down on the table. As she moved past John towardsthe closet, she brushed a hand across his hair softly. “You up for anotherwhooping at checkers, Cassell? I’ve been practicing down at the youth centerwith some of the foster kids. I think I’ve got five new ways to make you regretever placing bets on our games.”
John smiled that lopsided grin of his that never failed tomake her heart melt and went to take his seat at the table. “I regret a lot ofthings, ma’am. But having you beat my ass at checkers has never been one ofthem. I can promise you that.”
