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k. tsukishima
contains angst, self harm/scars
the weather was rapidly fluctuating, temperature rising each day, the season changing fast.
he noticed now just how dense and humid the air started to get, and how the sun felt much harsher against his skin compared to how it did only a couple weeks prior.
so,
why is it you were still wearing long sleeves? and long pants?
were you still actually cold? there was no way.
no, something was off.
he felt it, he had a gut feeling, but kei had always known better than to meddle into other peoples business.
sometimes.
why did he care so much? was it because he couldn’t help but feel like something was wrong?
and of course he cared if something was wrong with you.
you sat across from him on the floor, scrolling on your phone nonchalantly, oblivious to his stare.
he carefully observed your body language, how you still tried your best at keeping your body sprawled out, tadashi’s fan blowing right into your face.
if you were that hot, why not remove layers?
he had too many questions, way too many at this point to keep his mouth shut.
he saw how your forehead and neck glistened with sweat, and your breathing would quicken.
he knew you were hot, but something was keeping you from taking off your heavy clothing.
“tadashi, could you get me some water, please?”
tadashi looked up from his phone, giving a nod quickly.
“was gonna grab some anyway, maybe snacks too”
you look up from your phone to watch him leave with a small smile, leaving you and kei.
as soon as the door slides closed behind you, kei sighs, and you face him.
“why are you wearing that? it’s getting hot, you’ll hurt yourself”
kei blurted, golden eyes locking with yours.
you raise an eyebrow, shutting your phone and placing it down.
“why do you care?”
you joke halfheartedly.
“i dont”
he responded quickly, watching as your lift your hand to hold up your hair, letting the back of your neck face the fan.
“i’m fine just like this, thanks”
kei quirks an eyebrow as you do this.
“you don’t look fine, you’re dripping with sweat, it’s disgusting”
he didn’t mean to say anything rude, or hurt your feelings.
kei was never good with words or communicating at all, but he had to figure out…
why?
he had to know if he was right.
for his sake, and more so, yours.
“you’re disgusting, four-eyes”
you retort, letting your hair fall onto your sticky neck.
“roll up your sleeve”
his words shocked you, and more so scared you.
you knew kei wasn’t stupid, yet why did it surprise you he might’ve figured it out?
“what?”
you lean into the table, facing kei with an expression even he wasn’t able to read at the moment.
“let me see your-“
“no”
he was taken back.
your sudden defense made him more curious, convincing him further that there was something you were hiding, and he felt it wasn’t good.
aside from wearing the weird clothes to match the weather, you yourself have been off.
kei didn’t interact much or talk, but he was very observant. especially with you.
he always paid attention to you, analyzing everything you did and listening to everything you’d say, even if you didn’t realize.
he was almost obsessed with the kind of person you were, adoring the traits in you that he felt he’d lost in himself long ago.
admiration instead of envy.
yet slowly, you lost that.
your eyes had seemed to lose its sparkle, your body language became lazy, your smile faded, you didn’t smile and laugh as much as before.
and that was one of the first things he noticed, because whenever you’d smile, he felt his heart twinge just a little.
he hasn’t felt his heart skip a beat like that in a while, ever since he noticed you’d stopped smiling, or at least how you did before.
you still smiled, or tried to, because it wasn’t genuine.
it’s wasn’t you.
something about your glow has dimmed, and he didn’t like that.
“what are you hiding? what’s the big deal?”
kei got frustrated, not that he meant to of course, but he didn’t know how to do this properly.
he just wanted answers.
“wanting me to remove my clothes, what a pervert you are, kei”
you joke, trying to shift the conversation once you felt the air get tense.
“stop acting like everything’s ok, it’s not. i’m not stupid, and neither are you, y/n”
kei shuts it down immediately, turning it right back around and ignoring your hollow joke.
you paused for a second, leaning back off the table, and giving kei the best reassuring smile you could.
“i’m fine”
he didn’t believe you, only he could tell a fake smile from your real one.
“y/n”
his voice cut like a sharp blade.
a feeling you knew all too well, but he couldn’t know.
no one could.
“kei, really”
you said quickly and he sighed heavily.
in one swift movement, he grabbed your phone from the other side of the table, having you reach across to take it back.
“hey-!”
as you did this, he brought his other hand up and pulled back your sleeve, revealing your forearm.
immediately realizing, you frantically pulled back.
but after seeing his eyes widen ever so slightly, and his hand drop back into his lap, you knew it was too late.
he saw enough.
“kei, don’t do that!”
you yell, now backing away as you held yourself more, as if you were trying to hide.
but from who? from what?
“when, y/n? and why?”
in this moment, kei really tried his best not to get angry.
he wasn’t an angry person, he actually hated hot heads, but right now he couldn’t help his boiling blood.
he didn’t really understand people who could get so angry about some things, not being very passionate about anything himself really, left him in the dark with that.
he was too afraid of the burden it would leave on him if he ever got involved in anything so intensely, ultimately protecting himself.
that is, until you.
you’re what made him realize what being passionate about something felt like.
all the feelings that the feeling itself brought upon a person, like intense sadness, anger, jealousy.
passion, a feeling so intense and uncontrollable when feeling it about something,
or someone in this case.
passion, the top of the hierarchy when it comes to emotion.
passion, the sideline suffering that comes from the intense interest of a good thing.
now, he wasn’t mad at you, he was mad you’d even think about hurting yourself.
he sighed gently once he realized your curled position, figuring he must have scared you.
“come here”
you frantically shook your head, pulling yourself back more.
“no”
his stomach flipped.
“i wont ask again”
you knew he was trying to sound serious and stern with saying that, but his voice had softened a bit still, trying to tell you it was ok in the best kei way that he could.
you thought for a moment, and your body relaxed slightly as your hand pushed against the table in front of you, helping yourself stand.
you stood for a moment, looking down at kei while he did the same to you, his golden eyes leaking with worry, sadness, maybe a little anger, but trying to pull you in.
you walk around the table, and his hand quickly grabs the bottom of your sweater, pulling you into him.
you gasp, landing onto his chest, his face burying itself into your neck.
he smelt like fresh laundry, like he has just washed the shirt he was wearing, but still a little bit of his own natural scent that rested on his skin.
a little salty from sweat, but like homey wood, and sweet like honey, a mix of all kinds,
but a concoction that made kei.
your chest swirled, and tears brimmed your eyes.
you tried to hide how you choked up, but you hiccuped and he felt that when his arms tightened around you.
“you’re ok…”
and you cried.
and cried.
tadashi hadn’t come back yet, which you were slightly grateful for, but if kei knew then maybe telling tadashi would be ok too.
“show me”
you buried yourself deeper into his shirt and shook your head, feeling his hands claw at the back of your sweatshirt and his nose press against your cheek.
he landed a soft peck, the slightest kiss ever, could’ve convinced you he didn’t even do it,
but he did.
“y/n”
you paused, and sighed against his neck, feeling him shiver just a little at the feeling.
after a second, you pulled back, hands clinging to his white shirt, now seeing you had left black spots on his shoulder from your running mascara.
you brought a hand up and poked at it.
“oh, sorry”
you hummed with a small smile.
he glanced down and grabbed your hand, pulling it away.
“don’t change the subject”
he said, and your glossy eyes snapped to his.
also glossy.
was he trying not to cry?
your eyebrows furrowed as your stared into them, saying sorry again with your own pupils.
you puffed out your chest and pulled your hand out from his, using each hand to pull at your sleeves, revealing your damage.
he watches intently, staring at your forearms in disbelief.
grabbing at them, he noticed they weren’t that new, but not old enough for this to be no longer a problem.
“this it?”
he says looking up at you, his thumb subtly tracing over your scars.
you shook your head, and nodded your head towards your legs.
“those might be worse”
you admit, feeling an uninvited tear slide down your reddened cheek.
he brought your hands into your lap, and sighed heavily.
“ok”
you let out a shaky breath as you look up at him, him already staring at you.
“too pretty to be hurt like this”
he whispered, tracing up your arm, sending shivers through your whole body.
“m’sorry, kei”
you leaned against his forehead, chest hiccuping again.
“don’t apologize to me”
you tilt your face, just enough for your lips to trace over his nose, and down his cheek.
he slightly moved his head as well, feeling the warm breath from his nose tickle your lips.
“for worrying you, though”
you mumble lowly against the corner of his mouth.
“dumbass”
your lips meet slightly, and you didn’t want to move from this spot, being this close to him.
the door behind you finally slid open suddenly.
“i got snacks and-!”
you and kei faced a giddy tadashi at the door, holding a white plastic bag with goodies.
you smiled at him when his face pulled to worry, and confusion.
“you’ll be ok, y/n”
keis voice rang through your ear, reassuring you for tadashi walking in.
“have to tell you something, tadashi”
-
its mental health awareness month, and i’ve had this draft sitting for a while so i thought id revamp it and share it. it’s important to always remember you are loved and heard. your struggle is not one you’re going through alone, even if it feels that way. don’t ever hesitate to reach out if you’re feeling this way, to anyone.
it’s may, so may everyone be happy, healthy and safe.
a reminder that your favorite loves you.
