King Falls AM - Episode 9: Jack in the Box Jesus
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Summary: September 1, 2015 - An alleged sighting of the Lord & Savior at a downtown fast food restaurant has the residents of King Falls ready for deliverance, meanwhile Sammy & Ben try to navigate the flood waters of this revelation.
[podcast intro music]
Mayor Grisham Ladies and gentlemen, I promise you that while it is a terrible inconvenience that our modern electronics are out— this is not the end of the world. It could be a refreshing change of pace! Instead of reading, on your tablet, go down to the King Falls library, and check out the real thing! Instead of texting your BFF, go enjoy some pancake puppies at Rose’s! and have a face-to-face chat. This isn’t as bad as it seems— and it could be a blessing in disguise.
[KFAM intro music]
Sammy Good morning guys and dolls, you’re listening to King Falls AM—
Ben —That’s 660 on the radio dial.
Sammy And this is day 13 of what has been dubbed the King Falls Electrolocaust.
Ben This has easily been the hardest two weeks of my professional career.
Sammy It has been tough, but Ben and I want to thank you, and everyone out there listening, for the continuing support of the show.
Ben We got another doozy of a show for you tonight, King Falls. During hour two, we’ll be interviewing Maria Chandler, manager of the King Falls Apple store, and speaking about the effects the shut down has had on business.
Sammy As well as fielding your calls and talking about whatever’s clever this evening.
Ben I miss computers, Sammy. I miss the schedule. Our automated systems, my alarm clock. I’ve went through three the legal pads in two weeks!
Sammy [sympathetic] I know, buddy.
Ben I would literally watch Channel 13 if given the chance.
Sammy Wow. That’s saying a lot.
Ben [softly] I need my life back.
Sammy King Falls, how are you taking the modern electronic shut down of 2015? Are you refreshed? Reliving the mid-90s? Or— are you falling apart like our dear Ben Arnold?
Ben I’d listen to boy bands, to have a working smartphone. I’d wear, puka shell necklaces and sell my pog collection,[1] if you give me five minutes with my email.
Sammy Look on the bright side, Ben. You’re spending all your free time down at the library, and I haven’t called you out on it!
Ben That’s calling me out on it.
Sammy Eh-Well- and you know it’s nice hearing the birds tweeting instead of @kingfallsam. I’m not saying I don’t miss it but, I’m enjoying this a little bit.
Ben ♫It’s tearing up my heart when I’m with yoouu♫[2]
Sammy The references are not gonna bring back your goods.
Ben [hurt] Dammit Sammy, let’s just take a call from our jury-rigged phone system.
[bg music being provided by Chet’s record player]
Sammy You’re live with Sammy and Ben.
Cynthia Yeeaah, I wanna talk about the outages.
Sammy Cynthia Higgenbaum, ladies and gents. How are you doing during this electronic crisis?
Cynthia [blissful] I feel the warm embrace of the chastity belt that’s been placed on society. I’m relieved, de-stressed, marvelous!
Ben *chuckling* Whoa, heh, that’s- that’s a heck of a change!
Cynthia [suddenly aggressive] What are you trying to say, Ben?
Sammy It’s just you’re usually- you’ve been a little… pessimistic in the past.
Cynthia [mostly calm again] Ohhh, I still have problems; I’m full up with issues. But right now, I don’t have to worry about what websites my husband is perusing, what brain-dead TV my kids are watching— I’m at peace! It’s just me and my harlequin novels. Plus, with Jesus back and all—
Ben [jokingly suggestive] 50 Shades of Cynthia
Cynthia [angrily] Don’t be filthy Ben Arnold! I Know Your Mother!
Sammy I-I’m sorry, Cynthia— did you just say that Jesus is back?
Cynthia [gossipy tone] Have you guys not heard the news?
Ben Is she talking about Jesus Jesus?
Cynthia There’s only one.
Sammy Wellll, I think Mexico would disagree, but please tell us why you think Jesus—
Cynthia [snappy] I don’t think Sammy, I know! [softer] Earlier this evening, he was spotted glowing and speaking in tongues at Jack in the Box.[3]
Ben The one off Main Street or Red Oak Avenue?
Cynthia Ew, nobody does to Red Oak.
Sammy [softly] Jack-in-the-Box-Jesus.
Cynthia Oh, Hell no! I will not participate in that blasphemy. You’re gonna get smited—
Sammy Oh, I- I mean- I wasn’t- I’m sorry, I’m not meaning to, uh—
Cynthia Tell it to Satan! In Hell, Sammy! [hangs up forcefully]
[dial tone]
Ben This is big.
Sammy [slightly reluctant] If you or someone you know has had a sighting of *clears throat, Ben laughs* Jack in the Box Jesus please give us a call. Uh, 424-279-3858
Ben You’re on King Falls AM.
Deputy Troy Now I know what you’re thinking: how could the second coming of God’s only son happen and ol’ Troy here didn’t clue you in.
Ben Not what I was thinking.
Sammy What do you know Troy?
Deputy Troy Well I got a suspicious persons call out at ol’ Yack[sic] in the Box around 9. So, I hit the lights and cruised over to see what the fuss was about. And lo and behold, back by the dumpster with a mess of people looking on— there he was.
Sammy Now, are you really telling us that— [still reluctant] you saw, or, you believe you saw the son of God and the King of Kings bangin around outside the Jack In The Box?
Deputy Troy Well, he was a man. Somebody’s son, no doubt. Bearded. Good lookin’, if-if you’re into that sort of thing. He had a robe on—
Ben [cutting in]We can solve this right now. Was he white or was he black?
Deputy Troy He was more of a greenish color. Like a glow really.
Sammy The man had an aura around him.
Deputy Troy It was shinier than a damn Fukushima foxhound, fellas. Like, I felt a need to put on the old aviators, but I- I didn’t want to be cliché.
Sammy Alright, Troy. So, work with us here; you’re in the back of the Jack in the Box, there’s a uh, a Jesus-type guy—
Deputy Troy Just-a-ramblin’ on.
Ben Speaking in— tongues?
Deputy Troy Speaking in somethin. The last time I heard gibberish like that was comin’ from the back of my Chevy with Shell Snyder’s daughter.
Sammy So what happened next?
Deputy Troy Well a group of looky-loos had descended, as I said, and since it was only me, there was no perimeter set up yet. So I start ta approach this glowing Christ and somebody— Roy Higgins if you gotta know/— hollered out “It’s Jesus!” and the whole parking lot just went bonkers!
Ben Well, di-did you speak to the guy?
Deputy Troy Damn skippy. I told Roy that this was official police biz. And he shouldn’t be squawling around like a little baby.
Ben No, Jack in the Box Jesus.
Deputy Troy Oh, well no. I- I turned around and he was gone. Split right off into the woods, I suspect.
Sammy Did you follow him?
Deputy Troy Sammy. So you’re tellin me that you’d follow a 6-foot-tall and glowing perp into the woods??
Sammy [muttered] Point taken.
Ben So any other sightings?
Deputy Troy Well, not as of yet. But there were so many people they could’a had a revival in that parkin’ lot. So I’m guessin’ that’s how word spread so quickly. And without internet, too? That’s pretty damn impressive.
Sammy Is there an APB out or anything?
Deputy Troy For what, dilly-dallying around with a jumbo jack? He wasn’t doin nothin bad. Just acting a fool— Lord forgive me— where he shouldn’t’a been.
Ben And glowing.
Deputy Troy That’s right.
Sammy Well, please let us know if get any more info on this, Troy. We’d appreciate it.
Deputy Troy You bet. I’ll be sure to keep you boys and the listenin’ public informed. But if you should happen to stumble upon Jesus? Do not approach, bother or pester. You just call up Ol’ Deputy Troy.
[hangs up]
Ben …or your local church. [dial tone]
Sammy Deputy Troy, ladies and gents. Now we’re just going to take a quick break and hear from one of our new sponsors: Carl’s Candy!
Ben Yeah I don- I don’t think we should play this
Sammy What? Ads pay the bills remember?
Ben Folks, as a workaround with all the tech issues, uh, I went out and recorded a few spots of some of our sponsors- uh, new and old. Emphasis on Old, after this one.
Sammy Okay, so the audio is bad.
Ben *sucks in breath* You could say that.
Sammy This company’s paid up! They’re scheduled in one of your many notebooks. Let’s do this. We’ll be right back folks.
[slow, creepy xylophone music]
Carl [voice is soft and creepy, like you expect from a guy who offers kids candy from the back of a van] Do you know why they call it a blow pop? I sure do. And if you come on down to Creepy Carl’s Candy, I’ll fill ya up! I mean in. [whispering] It’ll be our little secret.- A sweet tooth is a terrible thing to waste. Come find a new sugar daddy to butter your fingers at Creepy Carl’s! Come in and grab a sack of Carl’s Boston baked beans while you’re at it. Oops, one fell in my pocket. Free if you can find it! *Ben groaning “oh no”* Every child’s welcome at Creepy Carl’s, big mouths, small mouths, white mouths and brown mouths. We’re equal opportunity! And just cause they shut down the ol’ brick and mortar doe’n’t mean you can’t buy it from my van. Be sure to ask your parents’ permission first, kids. Creepy Carl’s Candy, where the suckers don’t suck themselves. [Police sirens]
Deputy Troy [through megaphone] Carl, turn off your ignition. You are too close to the school zone.
Carl I gotta go! Catch ya later [tires squealing]
Ben [desperate, in bg] The mic!
[sirens fade out]
Sammy … Never again.
Ben I tried to tell you.
Sammy I know. Let’s never speak about this.
Ben [whispering] I need a shower.
Sammy *sigh* …Moving forward, we were just talking about a sighting that happened a few hours ago around the 9 o’clock hour, just off Main Street. It seems quite a few people believe that we may be experiencing a religious phenomenon. Perhaps the second coming of–
Ben [slightly gruff impression] “Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years!”[4]
Sammy *chuckles* Right, let’s go to the phone lines.
Ben [happily] That was good though right?
Sammy It was good. Good evening, you’re live on King Falls AM.
Reverend Hawthorne Ask and ye shall receive! King Falls-uh. It is the gooD Reverend Xavier “Right. With. Gaawwd-uh” Hawthorne.
Ben Reverend Hawthorne? Are you back in town?
Reverend Hawthorne [speaking over Ben] The One and Only, and we are turnin’ the wagons arounD as we speaK-uh. And we’re headin’ back to my flocK-uh. How’re y’all feelin’ tonighT, King Falls- I said How are you, Feelin’!
Sammy [softly] We’re feeling alright.
Reverend Hawthorne Praise GoD-uh! Hallelujah! Now a little birdie, uh-just chirp’n on my shoulder, told me there was a SighTing. A Vision. Dare I say it, eyeballs were laid on our Lord and Saviour at a burger joint in our fair city.
Sammy Yeah, about 9 o’clock here.
Reverend Hawthorne Could it Be-uh! that our 5-week-revival worked. Could it Be-uh! that our prayers have been brought forth the lamb of God-uh. Can I get an amen!
Ben Reverend Hawthorne we—
Reverend Hawthorne Amen! This miracle-uh, this sight from our God-uh, perched on a Mountain of Sanctity, says that he is ready to lead-uh, his most Highly Favored, Congregation bacK to the promised land. Gimme some organ, Deacon Reggie [organ music begins playing in bg]
Sammy [aside] Do you think Reggie has to wheel that thing around just in case?
Ben This is getting good.
Reverend Hawthorne Play it dirty, brother. We are going Home-uh. Take us back to Calvary, take us BACK-uh! … Samuel, Benjamin may I ask you gentlemen if you have a relationship-uh with the Author of the E-ternal Sal-vation; [organ goes silent] [softly] are ya saved?
Sammy I’m—
Reverend Hawthorne Then let me tell y’all, [organ starts again] because if you aren’t-uh, I’m coming back to town. One weekend only, the Xavier “Right with GoD-uh” Hawthorne Experience will be wheelin’ bacK into King Falls Fairgrounds this very night-uh. We are hoping to get One- On- One with the Risen Christ and start preparin’ for Kingdom Come. But just like old Xavier, you gotta come on down-uh so we can get you TurnT uP With GoD-uh. [click, dial tone]
Sammy Xavier? Hello?
Ben He’s, gone. Sammy.
Sammy Well, you heard it here first folks. Xavier Hawthorn’s Travelling Roadshow is coming back to town. Will Jack in the Box Jesus make his stage debut?
Ben [muttering] Tch- Jesus.
Sammy Literally.
Ben Do you think we could get an interview? Would it be Mr. Christ? Or-
Sammy Something tells me that there is something more to the story than what we’ve heard so far, Ben.
Ben Tsk. I get that, but this is King Falls, Sammy.
Sammy What a perfect place to make a return: a rinky-dink town with no internet.
Ben Line- [muttered] dammit, there’s only one line. Uh, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.
Archie Good evenin’ fellas!
[small dogs barking in bg]
Sammy Is thi-
Archie It’s Archie Simmons!
Ben He-ey Archie, how’s Princess Von Barktooth?
Archie Well, I do have news concernin’ the princess, and I just want to possibly recant some info from our previous call a few weeks back.
Sammy About the werewolves?
Archie Correct.
Sammy Wow. I mean, you sounded pretty convinced that you saw a werewolf.
Archie And now I’m saying that maybe I was misinformed.
Sammy I think you should probably tell Troy and the Sheriff’s Office, Archie.
Archie *giggles* You silly Sally, Troy’s on his way over now
Ben Why the change of heart, Archie?
Archie Well, new information has come to light boys, I mean with the Divine One making his triumphant, and let’s be honest, dramatic return to King Falls.
Sammy You’re talking about the glowing man at the Jack in the Box?
Archie [softly] Let’s be real here, it’s the J-Man, of course a heavenly carpenter would pick King Falls. So many projects to keep busy with.
Sammy [dryly] Uh-huh.
Archie Plus, with the princess and this new information, we have to believe this.
Ben You keep saying that, what’s going on with the princess Archie?
Archie She’s in a delicate condition.
Sammy Oh, of course. I mean she’s been through a lot.
Archie *giggles* No Sammy, I mean she’s with child. Ch-children. Puppies? There’s a bun in my $2400 oven boys!
Sammy Wait. She’s pregnant? From the werewolf attack?!
Archie [softly again] Well, that’s the thing. While I believed in my heart of hearts that the hillbilly beast from the trailer park had gotten to the princess, I think…
Ben What. What do you think Archie?
Archie I mean it was dark, I know it was a full moon but I was scared and recently awakened, sleep in my eyes etc. and so on.
Sammy You don’t think it was the werewolves.
Archie I’m thinking with this new evidence and the fact that I saw a long-haired, bearded man in a Biblical Act— Yeah I-I- I think- there’s a chance it could have been [whispering] the man upstairs.
Ben [stern] Upstairs from whom?
Archie Mankind! Come on Ben, get with the picture!
Sammy He’s saying that because there’s been a holy sighting tonight- which we should all be a little bit doubtful of- then maybe it wasn’t the werewolves, but the Alpha and the Omega.
Ben No! NO WA- That’s too much, Archie. You saw the werewolf. He looked you in the eye and howled at the moon.
Archie I don’t know what kind of weird things Jesus is into.
Ben No way. This is ludicrous.
Archie You just wait and see Ben! The princess may have lost her Westminster dreams, but it was all part of God’s plan.
Ben We’ve got to go Archie *laughs* you’re crossing a line that we cannot cross at King Falls AM.
Archie Judge Not, lest ye be judged boys. Kardashians[sic] 3:16 or a Psalm or something. I think Troy’s coming around the bend anyways boys, laters!
[click, dial tone]
Sammy You know? When I walk in the door every night I say to myself, “Nothing’s gonna surprise me tonight” And more times than not, I am just Dead Wrong.
Ben Let’s give the phone a rest for a moment, Sammy, the record player is just begging to be used.
Sammy *chuckles* Not a bad idea Ben.
[phone pings]
Ben What? *gasps* My phone! [several pings] OHH it’s back baby!
Sammy Me too! What’s going on?
[pinging continues]
Ben What’s up! Oh my God, I could literally kiss the apparition of Steve Jobs.
Sammy Hey, I’ve got a text here, Unknown Number.
Ben Okay, what does it say?
Sammy “I- I know why this happened. I know how to stop it. We need to talk“
Ben What?
Sammy No, that’s what the text said.
Ben You don’t think this has anything to do with… Thank You, Jesus.
[KFAM outro]
[CREDITS]
References:
[1] Pogs - Pogs, generically called milk caps, is a game that was popular among children during the early-mid 1990s. The name pog originates from POG, a brand of juice made from passionfruit, orange, and guava; the use of POG bottle caps to play the game preceded the game's commercialization.
[2] “It’s tearin’ up my heart when I’m with you” - Lyrics to the song “Tearin’ Up My Heart” by NSYNC, an American boy band from the mid-90s
[3] Jack in the Box - American fast food chain, primarily along the west coast and southern states.
[4] “Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years” - lyrics to the song “Mama Said Don’t Knock You Out” by LL COOL J (also came out in the 90s)