couple weeks ago i went out and bought 10 different kinds of Oreos, most of which ending up being horrible mistakes and disgusting insults to my tastebuds, for me and a couple friends. here are my reviews
Berry: If you, for some ungodly reason, just really enjoy cough syrup, these are the Oreos for you. I suggest a nose plug for when you open the package, the smell alone made me not want to try them. For two seconds after the first bite, they taste like strawberry Poptarts but then the flavor sits with you and you are slapped in the face with memories of childhood colds. DON’T EVEN TALK TO ME ABOUT THE AFTER TASTE.
Birthday Cake (Golden): I have nothing but good words for these tastebud gifts. The special dessert that is gifted to you once a year is now available year-round in convenient cookie form! Not only do you get the pleasure of re-experiencing the delicious cake, but you also get the added bonus of rainbow sprinkles!
Brownie Batter: Congrats. You just found a loophole in the mom code. You are now able to eat all the brownie batter you want without running the risk of contracting salmonella (the sugary stomach ache is a different story). I enjoyed them, they actually do taste like brownie batter, but I’m not a super big fan of brownies, so.
Cherry Limeade: These actually weren’t Nabisco, they were HEB. So if you live outside of Texas and wish to experience the train wreck that is Cherry Limeade flavored off-brand Oreos, then you’re shit out of luck. I don’t know how, but these burn as you eat them. Not in a go-to-the-ER-asap-bc-chemical-burns way, more of an over-carbonated-fruit-drink type of way. Once your mouth is used to the physical assault of these cookies, your tongue is subject to the taste. Take a flat soda and add a fuckton of artificial cherry flavoring followed by a drop of sweet lime, that is what these little mistakes taste like.
Cookies ‘n Creme: Why? Who even came up with this? Who seriously thought to themselves, “You know what would be a good fucking idea? Oreo flavored Oreos.” Who was sitting up at the Nabisco meeting like, “Guys. What if we blended up a bunch of Oreos, and slapped that paste between two cookies?” Honestly. You know exactly what these fucking taste like.
Cotton Candy: When you open the package your nostrils are greeted by the pleasant aroma of Nabisco’s amazing Golden Oreos. You think to yourself, “These can’t be that bad, they smell pretty normal.” You pick one up and the icing is a cute mix of pink and blue, very carnival-esque. Then you take a bite. Even the delicious vanilla cookie is not enough to save you from the horrid taste of this Oreo. You remember when you were a kid and you went to a carnival or the circus and you ate cotton candy, snow cones, and any other sweet treat you could get a hold of and then by the end of the day your stomach was killing you and you got sick in the car on the way home? If you take that feeling and that taste and pour in even more sugar and then slap it between two cookies, that is what these taste like. If I could go back in time and stop myself from taking a bite of this Oreo, I would.
Lemon: These weren’t that bad, but I don’t like anything lemon flavored unless it’s pound cake or Girl Scout Cookies. Which is what I thought these would taste like. I fucking love Girl Scout Lemonades because the lemon isn’t overpowering and the cookie itself isn’t aggressively crunchy. These Oreos, however. Not only is the icing lemon flavored, but so is the cookie. Which, I think, is Nabisco’s mistake. The lemon cookie pushes the lemony-ness of these over the fucking edge. It was way too much. If you just really, really love artificial lemon flavoring, then you’ll probably love these.
Marshmallow Crispie: I’m gonna be honest, I had very high hopes for these. Here I am holding a cookie that I imagine probably tastes like a Rice Krispie Treat, which is the best elementary school lunch snack (behind those chocolate covered caramel rice treats. Star Crunch, I think?). But then I take a bite and they taste just like normal fucking Oreos. So I chew and there’s this weird extra crunch brought on by the little rice crispies they put in the icing. So they tasted good, but that extra crunch isn’t worth eating them again.
Mint: Two words: Thin Mints. A delicious combination of mint and chocolate. So we thought, if thin mints are delicious as fuck frozen, these will be too. Little advice for y’all: the fucking cream freezes and becomes rock-fucking-hard and they’re impossible to eat. So don’t say I didn’t warn you. Put them in the fridge if you want them cold.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups: If you want some kind of peanut butter Oreo, then get the plain peanut butter Oreos, not these. While they are not the worst Oreos I have ever had (see above), they definitely were not the best. Because they were Reese’s flavor, they had a chocolate cream along with a peanut butter cream. Which is completely unnecessary considering the cookies are already chocolate. But whatever.
Thins (Golden): These are not a flavor, but a different type of Oreo. These, to my understanding (before I tried one), were exactly the same as regular Oreos, but with less cream. I grew up in a Double Stuff house, so the thought of “half stuff” Oreos was completely bizarre to me. Then I opened the package. Not only is there less cream, but they also managed to make a thinner cookie. I actually ended up liking these more than any Oreo I’ve ever had before.
