genre: angst, angsty shower-turned-bedroom sex? i know i want to kill me too. fluff.
words: 3.478.
reading time: 13 minutes.
timeline: pre- and post-captain america; the winter soldier. (i took so many liberties with the plot line, so the actual movie isn’t so relevant with this piece.)
a/n: i just realized i don’t know shit about the tags for this fandom, welp.
569 leaman place, present day:
‘kiss me once and kiss me twice and kiss me once again. it's been a long, long time.’
steve walked out of the quinjet after natasha gave him a ride back home. it’s been a while, he ponders. no, it definitely has been a while. he’s been away too long from your loving arms. he misses those loving arms wrapping around his frame, well barely wrapping but hey you try. it’s his fault, he is the one with the unusual broad body structure.
steve turned back to bid natasha goodbye. what was the word again? what do you say when you see people off? all his life, steve has been the one to leave while others saw him off and never the other way around so naturally, he fumbled around for his words.
natasha chuckled from her seat as she shook her head in a mocking manner, “call me when you need a ride back to the smithsonian.”
steve found himself chuckling too, his hands on the belt buckle around his hips as he gave a curt nod to natasha, who returned the gesture and fired up the quinjet only to fly away.
steve watched the quinjet flying away and sighed to himself, so he’s finally back home. although he missed you badly all this time but weirdly, he was all the more nervous to see you again.
after giving himself an inspiring pep talk which included the words, ‘get your shit together you fucking cave man.’ he started his way from the other end of the sidewalk to walk to his house.
he stepped on the pavement in front of the house and smiled to himself seeing the familiar structure. hell, coming back is harder than leaving.
after gathering his faltering courage, steve finally took a deep breath and walked to the door.
he took out his keys and swiped his thumb once over the surface of the metal, an action he has repeated over a thousand times while he was away. he put it in the lock and opened the door.
“honey?” steve called out, a hint of uncertainty laced deep in voice. what if you’d just left after waiting so long?
his shoes weren’t exactly in great shape and were all dirty, muddy and just straight off bloody so he leaned down to take them off. discarding his shoes on the floor, he looked up and heard your familiar humming. he felt a wave of relief washing over him. he didn’t know he was capable of feeling such a rush of his blood at just the sound of your hum and started walking towards the source of the sound. he was walking almost like in a trance state, tired, broken and in need of solace. a hearth to keep him warm on nights that he wakes up feeling the ice freezing around his limbs again.
steve walked into the kitchen area and leaned on the door frame as he watched you. you had your headphones on, and were humming to the sound of the music while cooking yourself lunch.
usually steve cooked lunch but he wasn’t around and you weren’t going to starve, you needed to stay alive to welcome him back. it’s been a year or so, or... more, you don’t remember, since you last saw steve.
______________
it was a normal day; he went to the s.h.i.e.l.d headquarters after finishing his daily run (beating sam again) and was training in the gym room when director fury walked in with what looked like a file in his hand. steve punched the sand bag one last time, the impact of his hit set the sand bag flying away at the floor.
“trouble sleeping, soldier?”
steve turned back, “a new mission, sir?” he asked unwrapping the white bandages from around his knuckles, you hated how battered his knuckles would be after his training sessions. he remembered how you’re going to chide him, bring over the first-aid kit and apply some soothing ointment on the small cuts all the while huffing. air flaring out of your nostrils as you gave him a glare, well you tried and he would laugh on your face which would have you huffing again as you would cross your arms over your chest, trying to seem more strict.
“you do realize, they heal within two-three hours?” steve would ask.
and like your daily routine, you’d give him another glare, “i don’t care what serum is pumped in your blood, i’ll always tend to your wounds no matter how stupid they seem.”
steve felt his heart clutching inside his rib cage on just the thought of you cause how in seven hells did he manage to land a keeper like you? it was like you’re almost godsend.
“yes. we need you back in the field, captain,” fury replied bringing steve out of his small reverie.
steve turned back to fury and nodded, “i’m ready.”
fury nodded and handed him the file which had ‘confidential’ stamped in red bold letters on it, “i hope you’re up to this mission.”
steve was going to open the file but looked at fury and scoffed at the snide remark, “what’s that supposed to mean?”
“i know about your sweet abode in brooklyn. well, more like it’s my job to know everything. just know that if you take on this particular mission, it’ll be a while before you’d be able to get back to her.”
steve chuckled, “i think i’m the last and the sole authority of leaving behind a loved one and not returning for seventy years. i can handle this.”
fury nodded, “suit yourself,” and with that fury left steve behind alone in the gym room again.
steve sat down at the edge of the boxing ring and opened the file and his breath hitched at once when he saw the military profile of “james buchanan barnes.”
no.
bucky was alive?
steve frantically read through the files, some were torn pages written in german and accompanied with a supplementary page which served the translations to the same.
he couldn’t believe what he was reading, hydra had bucky all along? they experimented on him?
so when steve walked back in his house he shared with you, late at night, you knew just by one look that something was amiss. you were sat on the couch in the living room, watching brooklyn 99, waiting up for steve to come back. it was unusual for him to not call or text you about him being late.
steve was lingering in the doorway.
“hey?” you voiced, unsure as you got to your feet.
steve walked in finally, closing the door behind him, “hi.”
“what’s wrong?” you advanced towards him.
“doll,” steve breathed, almost as if he was in physical pain, “i have to leave.”
“i- did i do something?” you couldn’t make head or tail of the situation and just stared at his looming figure, a sudden sense of a fear of abandonment taking over your senses.
steve sensed it, he sensed the tension taking over your shoulders and closed the gap between you two as his callous hand rested gently against your left cheek.
“never. i’ll never leave you.”
you couldn’t bear it anymore and just hugged him, your ear resting flat against his chest as the regular pace of his heart soothed your nerves.
“then what is this all about?” you asked.
steve wrapped his arms around you, engulfing your small figure in his embrace, “i got a mission. it-its.. bucky.”
you felt how his voice croaked inside his throat and the rest of the words died down there. pulling back you cupped his face in your warm hands.
“baby, go.”
steve stared at you in shock, you didn’t even know what the mission was or how long he’d be gone but instead, the moment you heard bucky’s name, you were okay with him leaving for a while.
“i don’t, i don’t deserve you,” steve backed away, his heart palpitating now.
“hey, hey,” your voice was soft as you got a hold of his hand and guided him to the couch and sat down beside him.
steve hid his face in his hands, his back was hunched over. you hesitated twice before finally placing your palm on his back as you started soothing rubbing circles on it.
“i love you so much, you know that right?” steve looked up finally, he had tears in his eyes.
you nodded at once, pulling him into a hug and steve crashed against your chest, his head building a hearth in the warmth of your chest.
you don’t recall how long you stayed like that in each others’ arms before finding yourself standing in the shower in front of steve. the shower pouring out on top of your heads, the water washing down every bit of tension from both your bodies.
steve kissed you, his lips had a different hunger tonight almost as if he was trying to fulfill the void he was going to create in your life for a while.
“when are you leaving?” you mumbled against his lips. although, you dreaded the answer to that question but you couldn’t help but ask.
“i’ll be gone before you wake up tomorrow,” steve sighed, his heart heavy.
you didn’t reply and instead kissed him again, your lips returning that fervour.
“i promise i’ll try be quic-” steve broke the kiss but you pulled him back in.
“shh,” you mumbled against his wet lips before turning off the shower and walking out into the connected bedroom, you both shared.
“we’re wet,” steve voiced his protest when you sat him on the bed and sat down on his lap; your favourite place.
“i don’t care,” you replied kissing him again, your teeth nipped and tugged at his bottom lip.
once steve relaxed, he wrapped his arms around you and turned to lie you down on the bed; his actions were so gentle as if you’d break with the slightest shake.
you got a hold of his soaking wet white undershirt and tugged on it, in order to pull him close. steve got a hold of the hem of the undershirt and wiggled out of it, revealing his washboard abs.
you went to say something, something endearing maybe because the reality was that he was leaving the next morning but you brushed the words away and reached for his belt buckle to take it off.
discarding the belt, you undid the button of his jeans. steve backed away on the bed to took them off, the fabric of the denim had grown heavy with how drenched in water it was.
while he shimmied off his jeans, you took off your t-shirt and shorts too which were uncomfortably sticking to your body.
you peeled off the bra, discarding it on the floor when steve leaned back in, hovering on top of you. his knee separated your legs apart before he nestled his frame between them.
he lowered his frame down near your body, his face coming in contact with you as he dove in for another kiss.
you kissed back, your hand travelling down his abs to his v-line before finally making a bee line to his hard cock. your fingers wrapped around his length as you started pumping it.
steve pried your hand away and pinned your wrists on either side of your wrists. his dick was springing loose now and he bucked his hips near your heat, the tip of his cock brushing against your folds.
a soft gasp left your lips as steve humped his hard-on against your folds, his tip intruding in but then exiting and again rubbing hard against your wet. the friction sent ripples down your spine as the lubrication of your clit surfaced out, the clear fluid coating his dick.
steve ducked his head down to guide his hips into your folds, his length glistening with your lubrication. his hips bucked lower as he entered you. it was unlike anytime, he was painfully slow as if the tip of his length explored every inch of your vagina, the tip rubbed against the walls painfully slow before he finally bottomed out against you.
you let a breath once he was fully in, a breath you didn’t know you were holding onto. steve turned his gaze back to you, his eyes tracing over your features. he took notice of the beads of sweat appearing on your forehead, the bridge of your nose, the delve of your eyes, the depth in your eyes, your fluttering eyelashes opening and closing as those deep eyes stared right back at his icy blue ones.
he took a deep breath before connecting his forehead with yours as he finally started moving inside you.
the room was soon filled with a different and unusual kind of silence, only soft groans slipped past both your lips. your soft mewls and moans were wordless, voiceless, nameless and his groans and grunts were the same way. the eye contact was unwavering.
almost as if you guys were having a conversation just through your eyes.
‘it’s bucky. i have to go.’
your eyes returned the soft look in his eyes as if you replied with a, ‘i understand. i want you to go and get your friend back.’
steve’s pace quickened when he felt your walls closing up more and more around his length, the warmth emanating from your walls onto his length, transmitted all the way to the blood pumping in his veins.
your lips parted in a soundless cry as you felt the wave of your orgasm flooding out and onto his dick, a small ‘ah’ leaving your lips instead of what usually is a loud “fuck”.
steve leaned down, his lips connecting with yours as his pace faltered with every thrust, “i’ll always come back to you,” steve voiced out finally, ripping apart the veil of silence inside the room.
it was your turn to look at him with tear laced eyes as you felt him cumming inside of you. he kissed your forehead before lying down beside you, his dick growing soft inside of you.
you thought of replying, or just saying anything, even a made up word sound good but you couldn’t bring yourself to say anything and let the sleep engulf you.
the next morning when you woke up, you found steve’s side of the bed empty, the part of the sheets untouched. you took notice of the clean and dry sheets under your body as well as his baseball t-shirt loosely hanging onto your figure and the piece of scrap paper lying on the nightstand under a glass of water.
the piece of paper stated how he was going undercover and just that he’ll be ...gone.
______________
‘you'll never know how many dreams i dreamed about you. or just how empty they all seemed without you.’
“so kiss me once and kiss me twice and kiss me once again. it's been a long, long time,” you sang before turning with the frying pan full of the fried rice you just made. seeing the dark figure on the door almost made you jump out of your own skin.
“jesus h christ!” you shrieked after placing down the pan on the counter top, your hand immediately finding your chest as you kept it right above your heart to calm your nerves down.
“i was expecting a warmer welcome,” steve spoke up.
“still an asshole,” you murmured before speed-walking to him and pulling him down to your eye level into a tight hug.
steve chuckled swooping you up in his arms.
you pulled back to stare at his face, his handsome features looked a bit rugged. he looked old.
“told you-” you interrupted steve with an open mouth kiss, “i’ll b-” another kiss, “be back to you,” he finally finished amidst your kiss attack.
you kissed his nose before he set you down again on your feet. although he was smiling, you knew something was amiss.
“what happened?” you touched his cheek.
steve cracked a small smile leaning into your touch, “i missed you.”
“it’s something else, tell me,” you cupped his face in your hands, your thumb grazing over the edge of his beard. a beard that he didn’t have when he left you.
“i tried.. i tried so hard. i fought so hard but i couldn’t bring him back,” he sighed out, his body almost collapsing. he’s just so tired.
you grabbed his hand and ushered him to the living room couch. steve sat down feeling a certain sense of deja vu. the day he left, you’d sat him like this to talk, it was like a broken record playing again.
though steve didn’t mention the “he” he mentioned but you knew at once that he was talking about sergeant barnes.
seeing him sitting in front of you again, safe and sound, home, you felt your own composure breaking and scooted closer to him on the couch.
“i thought i lost you..,” you started, “i saw the news, the s.h.i.e.l.d lumerian star was collapsing and the headlines read that you were on that damn thing.”
steve finally broke down hearing your soft voice, tears streamed down his face, “for a second there, when i was trying to make bucky remember but he kept refusing to accept it, i thought that i lost both you and him. that i would never come back home, come back to you, back to your warmth.”
you shook your head and pulled his frame towards you, “never. you promised to come back. back to me.”
“you know how much i hate oceans, right?” steve asked and you nodded at once as he continued, “due to the explosion, i crash landed into the ocean, again. this time i had another regret, the regret of losing you because god knows how hard i fought to bring bucky back, but guess it wasn’t enough. it wasn’t enough, y/n. he pulled me out of the water and left me there in the middle of the island. it wasn’t fucking enough. he doesn’t remember me..”
you found your arms stretching out as he hugged your frame, his face nestling in your chest, finding his comfort place.
“i should have tried harder, fought harder, but guess it was less.”
“baby,” you started, “less is still better. you saved so many people, you gave them back their freedom from being watched by the government. you outed the bad side of both hydra and s.h.i.e.l.d to the world. you saved lives captain rogers, nothing can touch that. less is still better.”
steve sniffled, his tears dry now, after the serum was infused in his blood, he’s had a hard time expressing his feelings.
“but bucky..” he trailed off.
you cupped his face again and sat straight so you could face him, “he saved you babe and now you’re in my arms. he remembers, a part of him remembers, might take a while to bring him around but you’ll get your friend back.”
something flashed internally in steve’s eyes as his gaze changed into something consisting of lost hope, “you think so?”
you nodded kissing his head, “i believe so.”
this is the kick steve needed, this is what the agents and his other colleagues can’t give him. you’re the only one who brings him solace, his piece of peace. his chance at living a happy life after being in the ice for decades to come.
______________
it was probably hours before you guys finally pulled away from the strong embrace.
“your beard sticks out through the fabric of my t-shirt and tickles my boob,” you mumbled.
steve pulled away narrowing his eyes, “chicks are digging this look.”
“oh really, cave man?” you replied chuckling.
“yes, i’ll have you know that natasha even kissed me,” steve replied proudly.
“what?! she did what?!” your jaw fell as you stared at him with shock, “wait who the fuck is even she thinking she can kiss my man?”
steve just stared as you gawked at him for answers. he laughed nervously before getting to his feet, “i need a shower,” and with that he made a run for the washroom.
“steven grant rogers, you piece of shit,” you shrieked following him.
В современном мире человек слишком много поглощает. Информация, хлам, якобы выгодные предложения окружают его отовсюду. Если ранее был дефицит чего-то, то сейчас мы можем наблюдать избыток. Яркая реклама кричит в рупор о том, что покупка очередной вещи изменит вашу жизнь, предоставит новые возможности, определит ваш социальный статус и покупатель ведется на это, бежит со всех ног за новинкой, которая якобы обещает ему восхитительную жизнь. Но что же происходит после долгожданной покупки? Неужели человек остается окрыленным еще долгое время спустя приобретения вещи? Современный человек вряд ли. Через месяц выйдет еще одна новинка, усовершенствованная, гораздо лучшая, и субъекту уже не приносит радость его вещь, которую он приобрел накануне. Скорее, она его раздражает. Тогда он снова копит деньги на покупку вещей. На покупку вещей, которые никогда не сделают его счастливее. Пока человек считает, что ситуация под контролем и он будто владеет вещами, вещи понемногу начинают владеть им самим.
Избыток мыслей, мнений также сейчас можно наблюдать очень ярко. В соц сетях огромное количество людей, которые постоянно что-то вещают (я не исключение, привет) и важно не подписываться на них всех сразу в стремлении забить свою ленту избытком важнейшей информации, а тщательно взвесить возможность и задать себе вопрос “это мне нужно? это мне действительно интересно?” прежде чем разрешать любой информации поступать в жизнь. Понимая, что у вас несколько десятков “важных” вещателей, вы будете не внимательны при изучении определенного рода информации, стараясь охватить больше и сразу. Это не работает, вы всего лишь распыляетесь. Поэтому совет: очистите свои подписки.
Практика минимализма (искусство отпускать, искусство меньшего) позволяет очистить пространство вокруг себя, расхламиться и осознать, чем вы хотите в последующем заполнить пустоту и хотите ли вообще ее заполнять. Также практика минимализма отлично подходит для людей, которым не хватает времени. Контролируйте свое время, на что уходит большая его часть. Определив цели, поймите, какие должны быть задачи. Сократите время проведенное в соц сетях или перед телевизором и посвятите его семье, себе, росту и совершенствованию. Вместо бесполезного контента, поглощайте качественный, подпишитесь на людей вдохновляющих, на тех, кто уже практикует данный образ жизни.
Кто-то скажет, что это пустая трата времени, ибо контролировать все невозможно. Хорошо, я соглашусь с тем, что контролировать все очень трудно, пока что не сталкивалась с полным контролем на практике... Однако, можно брать под контроль изрядное поглощение, следить за тем, чем занимаемся в течении дня, недели, на что уходит время, и что самое важное, стоит ли время того, чтобы его тратили на это занятие?
Конечно, не стоит бросать работу, учебу только потому что это трудно или не приносит большого удовольствия. Стоит найти то, что будет способно компенсировать ваши затраты на необходимые для жизни действия. Или понять, что то, что вы имеете - большая возможность, об этом моменте поговорим отдельно, немного позже.
Я устраиваю для себя марафон “расхламления”, итогами и процессом которого буду делиться здесь. Я буду рассказывать о том, как можно приблизиться к минимализму, живя с родителями, что означает, что вы не можете выбрасывать в окно все, что вам не нужно, быстренько придет мама-плюшкин и отложит эту вещь на долгие времена для какого-то мифического момента, который никогда не наступит. Практиковать подобный образ жизни, когда живешь не один, весьма сложно, особенно, если твои взгляды не разделяют. Это не новость и это вполне нормально, можно избавляться от другого. Об этом я буду рассказывать в следующих постах, посвященных минимализму.
skinnier does NOT equal happiness.
confidence equals happiness.
be proud of your body, please. be healthy and live your life. be that bad ass bitch you are and tell the world how great you are while also telling strangers walking by how great they are too! be a cheerleader to everyone. everyone is so cruel to each other. realize that you are worth so much, and you look hot every god damn day. go outside with a full face of makeup on and your favorite outfit, or go outside natural faced and comfy clothes. no matter what you choose to do, you are always killing it. i support all your choices! you think modest is hottest???? okay!!! you go!!!! you are killing it girly!!!! you think less is best??? ok girl!!!!! you go!!!! if you got it flaunt it!!! even if it is not society’s standard of “got it”- if you want to, you rock it!!!
what i learned from losing weight was no matter what number you are on the scale will never compare to your confidence. please stay mentally healthy and love yourself and life will be a breeze! ily.
