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seen from China
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vent
i keep flinching away from it. i'll remember that she's gone, really feel that absence, that hole in my side, and i am suddenly overcome with a fury so white-hot that i want to put my fist through a wall. i flinch away from it all, the anger and the loss, and i shield myself from it bc it's too damn overwhelming to look at. i tell myself i should be used to this despite it only being a little over three months now. but i'm not used to it. just not.
man it is so hard to find the focus and motivation to tackle my responsibilities when my brain is just Centered around having to fly to texas for a funeral next week
and the world keeps turning. and i sit here and wonder how the fuck the world could keep turning. don't they know that you're gone. don't they know that nothing should stand the way it used to. don't they know that a constant of my life, a constellation in my sky, has burned away. How could they not know. How could they keep going.
I keep finding myself trying to speedrun the grief. Trying to get it over with so I can be useful and optimistic and palatable again. What a fucking pain.
vent
kind of glad they didn't bury her. Because if they had buried her under her deadname, i'd have gone insane
gods grant me the willpower not to go crazy mode on my late friend's mother, if said mother decides to dress her body like a man for the viewing
I'm gonna use this stupid website as my journal for a few days and yall are just gonna have to deal
hi i'm not dead
