the one where they lose yenna ╏ zack + johan
❤️ @always-lovingly — hope you like it!
★ summary: eli bestows zack with the greatest honour: babysitting yenna. nothing will go wrong, right?
★ details: fluff, no reader, spoilers for 517 onwards, canon dynamics. (aka zack and johan's relationship is platonic)
★ A/N: I HATED MAKING THIS!!! comedy is really hard to write + i feel like i waffled too much... made a post about it, but this fic is drawn from s2, ep6 of friends (the one with the baby on the bus)
how did they get ben back with no paperwork/confirmation? idk but it makes my job easier #yes
"what? you want me to look after zami tomorrow?"
"…her name is yenna" eli smiles at him sheepishly. "and yes. i have to unexpectedly work at the fruit stall. derek got a stomach bug and there's no one to cover for him. plus, the daycares closed on saturdays. would you mind?"
"…eli…i can't believe this…"
of course. eli should've expected this. what eighteen year old wants to spend their saturday babysitting?
"sorry zack. don't worry about it. i'll get someone else to— "
"i can't believe you're trusting me to babysit zam— i mean yenna!" a beam of light is practically shining on him.
eli blinks. he swears he can see zack's eyes well up.
"do you really trust me to? you really think i'm worthy?!"
well, he wasn't expecting that. eli laughs softly, shaking his head. "well…you visit her a lot and you're really great with her. i think you'd do a good job"
zack covers his mouth, trying not to cry in front of the beauty department's only guy. he does visit yenna a lot. how can he not? the fact that the baby he found happened to be eli's daughter…it felt like fate.
he coughs into his hand, composing himself, before looking at eli with determination - the determination of being the best babysitter in the world. "…it would be my honour"
eli smiles softly. he was hesitant in entrusting yenna with someone who misnames her half the time. but now, he doesn't regret it one bit.
"oh…you really came prepared, huh?"
zack has come prepared. he still owns that baby carrier from before. he also wears something without buttons this time. and he still uses gel, but not too much gel, because the spikes could stab her.
"of course!" he nods enthusiastically. "only the best for zam— yenna! mesh ventilation to ensure maximum comfort!"
eli can't help but chuckle. "that's…very nice of you"
with one hand, eli hands zack a list of instructions and a bag of supplies. his other hand is holding yenna, as adorable as she always is.
"…if anything happens, call me. i'll try make it back as soon as possible" he hesitantly hands yenna over, her little hands grabbing at zack's face.
his eyes light up. "zam— yenna!" he cradles her head gently. "don't worry, eli ! she's safe with me!"
he nods, exhaling slowly. he reaches out to stroke her hair fondly. "you have a good time with uncle zack, okay? i'll be back before you know it" he whispers.
eli steps back, checking the time on his phone. "shoot, i need to go. you'll be fine, right?"
zack grins, using yenna's hand to give him a little wave. "yes, yes. go and chop fruit or whatever"
eli waves back and zack watches as his figure slowly gets smaller. he looks down at her, speaking with conviction.
"alright, zami. uncle zack will give you the best day of your life"
"what the hell, man? why'd you bring a baby here?"
okay, so saturday just happened to coincide with his study session. but it's a sacrifice he's willing to make.
zack hastily covers her ears. "don't swear in front of yenna! this is eli's daughter, y'know?! i'm an uncle on babysitting duty"
johan looks down at yenna with a mix of contempt and confusion, her big eyes staring back at him.
she's holding a baton with the top of a toy wand attached to it. his brows furrow, remembering his fight with eli.
Are you messing with me? What's with the toy?
whoops. in his defense, how was he meant to know?
johan sighs in exasperation and closes his book. "we're not getting anything done if she's here. by the way, don't expect me to help, alright? you're on your own"
"hmph. yenna doesn't want to hear your obscenities anyway" he pats her head protectively.
he rolls his eyes. "yeah, okay"
yenna suddenly starts smacking her baton-wand against the edge of the table, the smile never leaving her face.
zack stares at the wand, already dented from her relentless attack on the furniture.
"alright yenna, that's enough of that" he says nervously, gently prying it out of her hand. she immediately starts to fuss, her big eyes tearing up.
johan glares at him. "nice job, genius. now she's going to cry"
"hush!" zack snaps. he waves the wand awkwardly in front of yenna’s face. "see, yenna? it's all better!"
yenna, unimpressed, lets out a wail that could rival a siren.
johan groans and presses his fingers to his temples. "you need to get something to keep her quiet. a softer toy maybe"
zack perks up at the suggestion. "hey, we should go to the city! we can grab something real quick!"
"yes, we. you're not sitting on your ass while i do this alone" he grumbles.
johan stares at him in disbelief, but yenna’s cries grow louder, and he visibly gives in. “fine. but if she screams on the bus, i'm out”
zack grins, already packing up. he turns to yenna with a cheerful voice. "alright princess, let’s go find you the perfect toy!"
"you're gross" he mumbles, as they make their way to the bus stop.
zack awkwardly adjusts the baby carrier strapped to his chest, yenna wriggling furiously against him.
“why is she squirming so much?” johan asks, sitting in the seat across from him, his arms folded.
“she’s probably uncomfortable” zack shifts the straps again. yenna lets out an irritated whine, kicking her tiny feet against his stomach. “c’mon, work with me here…”
johan leans back. “maybe she can sense you have no idea what you’re doing”
“real helpful, johan. you wanna take over?” he glares at him while holding the carrier steady.
“yeah, that’s what i thought” zack adjusts the carrier again, but yenna’s whining only gets louder. people start glancing over, their expressions ranging from amused to annoyed.
“okay, okay. hang on” he sighs in defeat, unbuckling the straps, gently lifting yenna out of the carrier and onto his lap.
“so now you’re happy, huh?” zack mutters. yenna’s only response is a delighted giggle as she smacks his knee with her baton-wand.
“you’re spoiling her” johan comments, deadpan.
“what do you know about babies, johan?”
he shrugs. "if you say so"
yenna, meanwhile, starts squirming again, clearly eager to explore her surroundings.
“you wanna stretch those tiny legs?” zack carefully sets her down on the floor of the bus. she stands unsteadily for a moment, then takes a few steps, laughing as she bangs her toy against the metal pole by their seats.
“...are you seriously letting her walk around here?”
“she needs some freedom!” zack defends himself, his eyes flicking between yenna and johan. "she's only a baby, it’s not like she’s gonna go far"
“calm down. i'm watching her!” zack beams confidently, leaning back in his seat while keeping one eye on yenna.
for a moment, the two of them sit in silence, the bus rumbling along as she continues her wobbly exploration of the aisle.
“...y’know, you’re pretty calm for someone who's scared of babies”
johan shoots him a glare. “i’m not scared of babies”
“you totally are! the look on your face when she said ‘ba’ was priceless”
johan’s eyes narrow. “keep talking and i’ll make you ‘ba’ yourself”
they continue bickering, their voices overlapping as yenna toddles around the aisle, occasionally smacking the bus poles with her baton-wand.
the bus screeches to a halt at their stop. zack stands up, slinging the bag full of baby supplies over his shoulder. "alright, this is us"
johan follows closely behind as they get off, stepping onto the bustling city street. the sound of car horns and chatter fill the air, and zack immediately starts scanning the area.
“so” johan drawls, looking around. “what exactly are we looking for? a squeaky duck? a magic wand that doesn’t double as a weapon?”
“something soft, like you said” zack adjusts the straps of the carrier on his shoulder. "i never want to hear that banging noise again"
johan opens his mouth to speak, but pauses. his eyes flick down, then back up to zack, his face suddenly paling.
“...zack?” his voice is unusually tense.
“what?” zack asks distractedly, glancing around for a toy store.
johan's face is laced with panic.
“what are you talking about? she’s right—”
but she isn't. he glances down at the empty carrier on his shoulders, his voice catching in his throat.
"johan, you rat!" zack snarls. "how could you forget about our child?"
"how the fuck is this my fault? you’re the one babysitting her!" johan snarls back. "and what do you mean our child?"
the argument attracts curious stares from passerby.
zack waves his hand dismissively, his movements frantic. "who cares?!" he yells, sprinting off. "we need to catch that fucking bus!"
zack hears johan groan, but his footsteps quickly follow after, the bus luckily still in sight as it makes a turn.
"it's fine!" zack pants. "we just need to alert the bus driver and it'll be fine!"
they turn around the corner, but stop in their tracks.
they're both flabbergasted as it's joined by two other identical buses on their route, the traffic blocking the vehicles out of sight regardless. something out of a 90's sitcom.
zack's lip begins to tremble. he's a dead man. will he die without knowing mira's touch?
he aggressively shakes his fist at the sky. "OH COMPASSIONATE BUDDHA!!! why have you forsaken me?"
"...what the fuck? relax. let's just..." johan pants, trying to catch his breath. "let's just think, okay? there's gotta be a way to fix this"
they both stand in contemplation.
they can fix this, right?
"thank you! please come again~" eli hands over the bag of fruit cheerfully, waving the customer goodbye.
strange. he suddenly has a weird feeling.
he shakes his head, shrugging it off. it's probably nothing, he says to himself.
"the transit authority!" zack exclaims, an imaginary light bulb appearing on his head. "the bus drivers' hand all lost property to them. we just need to call and let them know we left a baby! she has to be with them! no idiot would leave a baby on the bus!"
johan nods, both of them blissfully unaware of the irony. "i was gonna say that"
zack scoffs. "sure you were. now, all we need to do is—"
zack's phone rings. he looks at the screen, his eyes widening in horror.
"i-it's eli" he stammers.
a smile tugs on johan's lips, slightly amused. he gestures to the phone. "answer it. it's gonna look suspicious if you don't"
zack glares at him, but doesn't argue. he breathes out slowly before accepting it.
"eli !" his voice is incredibly high pitched. "what's up? shouldn't you be chopping lemons or something?"
"i'm on my break" he laughs. "i just wanted to check in. is everything okay, zack?"
"everything's fine!" he chirps. "me and yenna are having a great time!"
"...that's good. would you mind putting her on the phone? i want to hear her voice" he says gently.
johan smirks, not even trying to hide it anymore, watching zack in anticipation.
zack closes his eyes, pausing.
he does the only thing that comes to mind, shoving the phone near johan's mouth. the latter's face drops.
what the hell are you doing? he mouths.
zack covers the phone so eli can't hear.
"act like a baby" he hisses.
"just do it, you hobo! or i'll tell your mom you failed english again" he glares.
"um...zack?" eli speaks up again. "what's going on? is she—"
"...goo goo?" johan squeaks, removing zack's hand from the speaker.
zack winces. he's heard better acting in porn.
"is she okay? she sounds a bit—"
"i think she needs a diaper change! bye eli !" he hangs up quickly.
johan stares daggers at him, his cheeks slightly flushed. "i'm gonna beat your ass"
zack shrugs, googling the number for the transit authority. "you can beat my ass after we find zami"
"...i thought her name was yenna?"
the human resources department is a picture of monotony, the ticking of the clock being the loudest sound in the room. the clerk behind the desk often jokes to himself that he lives in a time loop. every day was the same — forms to file, complaints to process, and the occasional awkward phone call. nothing ever changes, and he's stopped expecting it to.
the phone on his desk buzzes, cutting through the endless drone of routine.
“transit authority here” the caller begins briskly. “we’ve got a...situation. someone called claiming they left a baby on one of our buses”
the man blinks, the pen in his hand frozen mid-air. “a baby?”
“yeah. a little girl. we’ve got her safe now, but we’re bringing her over to your department, since...you know, you handle these things” the voice sounds exasperated, as if they can’t believe they're saying this either.
he swivels slightly in his chair, still trying to process the information. “so, wait. someone just...left their baby on the bus?”
“that’s what we’ve been told” the caller says with an audible sigh. “the guy on the phone sounded panicked. i told him to go to your building”
"...what kind of idiot leaves their baby on a bus?"
“i’m asking myself the same question”
hanging up the phone, the clerk leans back in his chair, shaking his head in disbelief.
he glances at the clock, bracing himself for what kind of man would walk through the door.
the door to the department bursts open, startling the clerk so badly he nearly knocks over his coffee. his head snaps up, expecting one man, but instead, there were two.
they both look like they just sprinted a marathon. the first, a broad shouldered guy with a baby carrier strapped awkwardly across his chest, is hunched over, gasping for air. his face bore the genuine panic of someone who just lost something irreplaceable.
the second young man follows behind him, his sharp eyes darting around the room, like he’d rather be anywhere else.
the clerk stares at them, dumbfounded, as they both stand there panting. finally, he clears his throat, glancing at the baby carrier. “so… i’m guessing you’re here for the baby?”
"y-yes! the baby...we called about the baby! is she here?" zack heaves.
zack and johan sigh in relief.
"is one of you the father?"
zack rubs his neck shyly. "ah...well no, but we know her very well. can we collect her?"
the older man crosses his arms. "if neither of you are, you'll need to call one of her parents, so we can confirm guardianship"
zack looks at johan in wordless communication. it'll be awkward. it'll be difficult. but they both know what they have to do.
"w-what i meant to say was..." zack slowly wraps an arm around johan's shoulder, cursing his sudden high pitched voice. "we're actually both the fathers"
zack leans his head against johan's, trying to control his trembling lip as he smiles sweetly.
the clerk presses his own lips into a thin line, not looking convinced.
johan sighs and briefly scrunches his nose before laying his hand on top of zack's, leaning into his touch. his smile is incredibly fake and plastered. he's afraid he'll commit murder otherwise.
"mhm..." johan manages to croak out.
if the clerk doesn't believe them, it seems he doesn't care enough to press further. he shrugs, gesturing to the door at the back. "alright. right this way—"
that's all they need to hear before they bolt to the door, flinging it open.
yenna is sitting on a small cot, gripping her beloved baton-wand in one hand. she’s completely unbothered, her big eyes scanning the room with innocent curiosity. she gives the wand a few lazy taps against the cot, unaware of the trouble they had to go through.
the moment zack spots her, he rushes over, scooping her up without hesitation. “yenna! we’re so sorry! your uncles are so sorry” he says, his voice filled with guilt. he hugs her tightly, rocking her gently. “uncle zack won't let this happen again, okay? never, ever”
standing just behind him, johan watches silently. "...you’re so ridiculous" he mutters. but zack knows he doesn't mean it. he knows him too well to not spot the softness in his voice.
he doesn’t look back, too wrapped up in stroking yenna's back. "couldn't care less, mommy's boy"
as zack shifts yenna in his arms, her tiny hand stretches out behind him, her fingers reaching for johan. johan hesitates for a moment, glancing down at her outstretched hand, before gently taking her little fingers in his big ones. the room is quiet, the world around them seeming to pause.
johan’s lips curve into a small, genuine smile, one he doesn’t realise he’s wearing. he gently plays with her fingers, a silent exchange passing between them.
zack glances over his shoulder and freezes when he spots it.
a slow grin spreads across his face. “i knew it!” he blurts out, triumphant. “i knew you secretly felt the same way!”
johan's ears turn faintly pink but he doesn't let go of yenna’s hand. “...shut up”
zack snickers. “you don’t fool me anymore! everyone knows you’re actually a big softie”
johan grits his teeth, his grip not leaving her fingers. "whatever, man"
they don't see the clerk silently watching them through the door, his hand hovering over its knob.
he did think they were lying. they were way too jittery to be convincing.
but the sight of the scene made him stop. the broader one, cradling the baby so protectively and murmuring apologies with a guilt-stricken face.
the other, quieter one, gently holding the baby’s hand with a softness that doesn’t match his standoffish appearance.
it’s a moment so tender, so raw, that the clerk pauses, his hand lowering from the door knob. maybe he was being too narrow-minded.
he shakes his head with a bemused smile and turns away, leaving them to their privacy. as he walks back to his desk, he mutters to himself.
"what a progressive world we live in"
after parting ways with johan, who pats yenna's head for a little too long, he sits on a bench, waiting for eli's return.
"okay zami. you had a good time with uncle zack and uncle johan, alright? nothing crazy happened"
"ba!" she chirps back, as if she understands.
zack nods solemnly. "good"
he sees eli walk over, sally with him.
zack spots eli's jaw tense a little less as he sees yenna safe and sound. she instantly reaches out, squealing at the sight of him.
"there you are..." eli beams, gently carrying her. "did you have a good time with uncle zack?" he says softly.
yenna aggresively shakes the wand in response.
he laughs and then looks up at zack. "so, how was it? did she give you much trouble?"
he waves a hand dismissively. "of course not! cool as a breeze. no problems at all"
"wow" sally grins. "eli, you should have him babysit more often!"
eli smiles, his gaze shifting back to yenna. "yeah...thanks a lot zack. i was worried because you hung up suddenly...i guess i was just being paranoid"
i'm off the hook! zack tries not to appear too excited.
he sighs, looking pleased with himself. "psh. don't worry. just had to focus all my attention on her. i'd never leave her out of my sight"
he nods, removing some lint from her clothes. "yeah, i get it. seriously, thanks a—"
he pauses, his smile suddenly dropping.
"...yes?" he looks up in anticipation.
is he gonna promote me as official babysitter?
eli turns yenna around, lifting her dress up slightly to reveal a big, bold PROPERTY OF HUMAN SERVICES stamp.
"what's this?" he asks, his voice a little too sweet.
zack's face drops. he can feel comical sweat beads appearing on his forehead.
"w-well that's uh..." he begins, but the words don't form.
eli silently hands yenna to sally, the grin now wiped clean from her face, being replaced with awkwardness instead.
eli smiles at him as he walks closer, pulling his sleeves up and cracking his knuckles.
"sally? please cover her eyes" he says quietly, his stare never leaving zack.
"wait eli !" he splutters. "let's just talk about this! it was—"
"owww! fuck! okay fine! just watch the hair—"
A/N: posted this on boxing day because zack is a BOXER 💜
divider: @thecutestgrotto
