#low value dating

[sk-lumen]

The moment anyone asks what you bring to the table, that's your cue to leave. Nothing good ever comes from trying to persuade anyone of your value. They either see it, or they don't. You can write entire essays to people explaining yourself and they'll agree, only to revert back to being blind to your value. Stop wasting your time and move on.

[sk-lumen]

I could never again trust a man that is comfortable losing me in the first place. If you let anything get in the way of keeping me, respectfully, stay gone.

[sk-lumen]

Do not entertain a man just because you are bored. Do not entertain a man just because you crave validation. Do not entertain a man just because you are lonely. Do not entertain a man just because you don't see better options at the time.

Only entertain men that you intentionally and mindfully want to know better, to spend time with, to allow space for in your life. Your energy is so incredibly precious, ladies. So powerful and potent, capable of creating anything. Don't throw it left and right because you're afraid of confronting your emptiness.

[sk-lumen]

Why would a girl stay with a guy after knowing he’s cheated multiple times?? That would make me sick to my stomach and disgusted? I was talking to this guy for over a year long distance, we would talk consistently and everything and went to see him multiple times. Each time something would go wrong, and he would leave, ghost me and then come back and being messaging me flipping things on me. For instance the last time he snooped through my phone, saw I had a dating app and left me the rest of the trip...then unblocked me and messaged me after like 2 weeks. It has always been that way and no longer then that. Anyway, the girl recently reached out to me calling me from her phone asking who I was and said she saw my phone number on her boyfriends phone. I of course was like so upset and shaking. She was SO CALM even saying “he’s had his sides before but he’s been good to me when I asked her how he was to her but really cheating other times is okay?? Anyway, she asked me to send “proof” so that he wouldn’t lie about it and that in his phone his contact for her was wife. He would call me that too a lot and said he wanted kids lol. Anyway, I sent over 30 screen shots...she says they broke up but it’s weird because she on the phone said they were together for a year then she changed it on text after reading the screen shots that they were together for 3 years....like what? Which way is it? I called him on the way to him seeing her (I knew this because I was texting her at the same time and needed to send the screen shots so she was ready when he came) he answered the phone and I was like “what and I was like you have a girlfriend and he goes “you had a dating app and then quickly hangs Up and blocks me. No word after that...and I was supposed to travel to see him in 2 days....I’m just hurt but obviously I can’t trust him. Just don’t understand the girl....

Dear anon,

I don't normally reply to asks involving this much drama, but it needs to be said.

A high value woman would never tolerate this level of behaviour from any man. Read that again. Both of you ladies are fighting for the scraps of this man who's playing both of you. At some point you have to take a step back and admit you are also part of the problem. Please stop fighting for people who actively and consistently mistreat you.

When you know your worth and have high standards, you will learn the art of blocking/detaching from any person not worth your energy. This took me a while to learn, but once I did it changed my life. When any boys (not gentlemen) try their luck with me now, I read them like an open book and put them in their place like any classy woman should (if you need tips/advice on that let me know).

-L.

[sk-lumen]

It always saddens me to see young women with rock-bottom standards, getting hurt over and over. Offering everything and getting nothing in return but heartache. Ladies, you need to understand that the lower your standards are with the kind of relationships you allow into your life, the more you are exposing yourself to pain, heartache and trauma, to say the least. Situationships like fwb and casual hookups benefit only the man and exploit the woman - I said what I said and those are the facts. Liberation has nothing to do with it, the market is overflowing with all the tools you need to take your pleasure into your own hands and that's without the headache of feeling used and wondering if he'll call or might be interested in something serious or any of that nonsense. You deserve more than that! If a man is not actively bettering your life in some shape or form, if he is not offering committment and making you feel safe and genuinely caring about your wellbeing, then what is he doing, and why on Earth are you allowing it?

[sk-lumen]

A dedicated day for advice would be amazing! Such a great idea for a great writer like your elegant self ♥️

I also have a question dear Lumen. I often get told that I am attractive (please don’t get me wrong I’m just using this as a starter for my question and more like a background info to my situation) but I’ve come to understand that being physically attractive combined with intellect, is lonely…? I wonder if there are other women who experience the same feeling and are going through the same situation as I am.

Lumen, I am a very sociable female and while I do appreciate my little circle I do enjoy inviting other women out to boost great connections but, they always find a reason to turn my invitation down… this even happens with my female cousins too! I don’t even know what to do anymore. Lumen, it has put me off from inviting people… I value my energy and I’ve stopped trying. I am just wondering is the problem me or is it just… Envy? I once invited a male friend to just hang out normally and he as well came up with a reason… So I am very cautious now when trying to boost my social circle… I’m just wondering why… I would truly appreciate some of your valuable advice on how to handle these situations and rejection perhaps or whatever the issue may be. Many thanks if you respond. Sending peace and blessings your way 🙏🏼

Hi darling,

You are so sweet, thank you! ☺️✨ Writing is dearest to my heart, so I am always gracious about such compliments.

As a sidenote, I noticed the recent anons have a tendency to apologize for being/feeling attractive? There’s no need! I’m actually happy that you feel confident in your skin and are aware of your own beauty, as should we all. Own it ladies, there is no need to apologize.

Mind that intellect plus beauty is the killer package after all, and women blessed with this often have the highest standards. A lady that has only beauty, may not have the insight to raise her standards as she should. So, certainly, it can be a lonelier path simply because you filter out so much unnecessary drama and lower vibrational experiences.

Now for your question. If this seems to be a repeating pattern in too many situations, I would say it is a good thing to practice mindfulness and self-awareness, so as to determine what is the common cause. If it happens with several people, it is on the people, if it happens with everyone, it may be that you are either drifting in the wrong circles to begin with, or there is something to be improved in your approach, who knows? Regardless, I very much agree with being cautious with what you invest your energy in! After all, if you say yes to every cup offered to you, that is often times how we can poisoned, no? High standards protect us from bad experiences.

You could also directly ask one of those people after encouraging openness in your conversation, it is always easiest to go straight to the source. You may be surprised how forthcoming people are if you open a channel of transparency in a way that makes them feel comfortable and relaxed.

What may also be the cause is your energy as you approach the situation. Perhaps the power dynamic is off, in that you are investing too much of yourself, being too involved in the chase, so that others feel overwhelmed or put off because there is little emotional space for them to unfold/respond as well. It is quite alright, we have all been there, especially in romantic relationships. I call this the power dynamic dance; it is also the reason why masculine men don't like being chased, because it leaves little space for their own masculinity to unfold. If that is the case, try balancing out this energy by relaxing into yourself & focusing on yourself more for a while.

Meanwhile, leave in the background of your mind some positive affirmations on attracting high value friends/acquaintances into your circle, and trust in the universe. Opportunities will come! Just be patient, and focus on your growth and journey in the meantime. Let me know if such affirmations would be helpful, I could whip something up with this theme in mind.

Best wishes darling, hope you have a lovely weekend ahead. 💖

💌 PS: On Fridays my inbox is officially open for relationship advice. Whether it's break-ups, crushes, challenging situations or any other random/strange questions, I will do my best to offer guidance. 💌

-Lumen

[sk-lumen]

I need some help....

I've married a low value man, and I feel a bit trapped

Divorce him, walk away.

Of course context and background matters a lot, to know what particular situation you're in can influence a lot of your possibilities or what you should be careful with. But since you offered no insight on that, my advice is general:

It's never worth staying stuck forever in a miserable marriage/relationship, when you know you deserve better.

Walk away, your future self will thank you for it. Better now, than in 10-20 years when you'll have less of your health, money or resources.

-L

[sk-lumen]

I have a relationship question if you wouldn’t mind answering? A guy I’ve been in communication with told me to “leave him alone and move on” but continually is stalking my page (I see on tiktok) and liking my stories? I just don’t understand why. He’s also been very rude and just dismissive of me and My feelings when I express them to him...but then he’s doing that..

Hi dear,

He's literally telling you to leave him alone, so do just that! His stalking doesn't mean anything, except that he's just bored and scrolling through social media mindlessly. And he's rude and dismissive? Girl, instant ick.

Yall need to stop analyzing and overthinking every dating scenario as if there's a secret agenda. You're not paid to be a detective. Why are you stressing over someone who's offering zero contribution to your life? If he didn't put a ring on your finger, not paying your bills or drastically improving your life, they have no business living rent free in your head!

Reminder of #1 dating tip: a guy is confusing you = he's not interested.

-Lumen