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Found horrible jungle boots; lounging.

#m'self #chopped my hair #got rid of a lot of the extremely dead stuff #now to grow new healthy hair

this is about Jonghyun

It’s been a week and a half now and I didn’t think I’d feel better by now, but I’m still a little surprised I guess. Because whenever I think I am, I notice myself in bed for 2 hours, 7 hours, experiencing the most stagnant cold I’ve ever had to my memory. Not terrible but there enough to stop me breathing and notice it, this cold I definitely got because of him. I’m dreaming at night and even when I’m asleep he’s in the back of a tiny, awake corner my mind, he’s not even alive in my dreams. And we have to go on like this every day.

And not that I haven’t been talking about him and this situation, but I feel like I can do it now like this. I’ve seen lots of people talk about the stages of grief and how it works and how to cope. I feel like I’m still on one step, whatever the step is. I’m hoping I can reach the acceptance part eventually...I accept it but I can’t see it. I had a similar situation a few years ago with my cousin. My family is in England, I’m in Japan or Belgium or somewhere else that isn’t with them. So since I wasn’t often around him, not enough to notice an absence, it took me a while to believe he was really gone too. I thought me going to his memorial service would change it but it didn’t really...I don’t even know if I had a moment of accepting that Luke is gone...I just kept living and he obviously did not these past several several days since...and is that a bit sad? Is that what’s going to happen with Jonghyun too? I don’t know...it’s sounds awful though to me it’s so obvious, but ever since getting into SHINee, Jonghyun has been more a part of my life than Luke was. Jonghyun was more a part of my life than most people I know. Not because I found him more important than them, or because I liked him more, believed in him more, hell not even because I SAW him more than a lot of my friends. But I listen to SHINee basically every day, even if it’s just part of a song, or just Taemin, or Jonghyun. I took comfort in them in all the loneliest parts of my life, times when I couldn’t or didn’t want to talk to anyone. And I felt better for them, and a lot of fans can relate with anything or anyone they’re a fan of, but they became a part of me. A huge part of me. And now that part is fragmented.

And I feel bad because the times I feel the worst are when I think of Jonghyun in the context of SHINee. It’s hard to miss someone when you picture them just not there alone in a random situation. You can’t have a solo concert without the solo artist, so I can’t imagine Jonghyun not being on stage at his own concert. I can’t imagine him well in the context of his family because I don’t know how he is with them and I don’t want to, that isn’t for me. But I know what he’s like on stage with SHINee, I know what he’s like singing with and slinging his arm over Onew, what he’s like touching foreheads with and smiling his smile at Key, I know what he’s like looking up at and being in the supportive company of Minho, I know what he’s like dancing SayoHito in front of and praising Taemin. I know his positions in Sherlock, I know his lines in Tell Me What To Do (which I will never see), I know where he stands in line when SHINee are in Japan. And knowing those spaces are never, ever going to be right again kills me. I’m sorry I have trouble imagining him by himself like this...it feels wrong that, while I can, the feeling isn’t as crushing when I do.

Jonghyun to me, personally...I’ve always praised him. I’ve seen a lot of myself in him in the way he’s said he pulls himself together, calms himself. The way he acts towards people, and the population. I remember times where I’ve just been so full of love and appreciation for him and nothing else, just so thankful that I was born in the same era as him and in an era where I could see him and learn from him and hear him. Starchild. If you know anything about him or ever saw him I hope you were able to see or feel just how...good he was. His aura was peaceful despite how he may seem initially. And while I knew he was depressed, to think that peaceful feeling he had was swallowed up by an overpowering, suffocating cloud negativity telling him so many things that weren’t true...I can’t even be mad at him.

I hope I never am. I honestly have always believed suicide is never the answer. I still don’t think it is, I believe there’s always a better solution but sometimes, I guess, the solution is just too far away, so far away it looks unreachable. Was that what it was like for him? Suicide is selfish. It is, there is no two-ways about that in my opinion. But I also don’t think you can just live for other people. He was hurting this much, what does thinking about other people’s pain do for him? Make him feel worse? He knew people all over the world loved him. I’m sure he knew, despite these things inside him telling him that he was never good enough, that thousands of people he never could know would be hurt by this. And dozens of people he knew really, really well. But I still can’t blame him. What does that matter, he can’t feel what they feel, he can feel what he felt and it was awful and he saw no way out. When I imagine what it would have been like if he instead went on hiatus, maybe went abroad to talk to some doctors who would take him seriously, I imagine the backlash from the public and how bad it would be. There would be people telling him the exact same things his mind was telling him. I think it would be worth shutting them off and focusing on himself if it meant he could find some of that peace he radiated for himself, but it would have been so hard. It’s not something we as regular people can understand fully...we get snide comments ourselves, and see people talking horribly about the kinds of people we fall under, but like that...? I don’t like to think about it too much. So while I still can’t accept the fact that he is really, really gone, I can accept his choice to do what he did. I can’t be mad at him, at least not now.

And for me I don’t know where exactly to go on from here. I have ideas, I’ll honor him, I’ll maybe follow a path to a similar interest we have. But as grounded as I have always considered myself when it comes to SHINee/kpop, I know the reason I was sure I could last at least one more year in Japan was the thought of seeing SHINee. I just re-read one of the letters I gave to Taemin and I said something about how sometimes knowing I had a SHINee concert coming up soon was the only thing keeping me going through whatever I was going through at the time. Except for this last year it wasn’t just a part of staying here, it was maybe....60%? And the best reason next to Japanese, all of the others were not good at all. And I honestly think it’ll be hard staying here without Jonghyun. I could do it, and I might, but I don’t know...

I really both anticipate and dread the day where I wake up and I accept that the world without Jonghyun is just the way it’s going to be. I want the peace but I don’t want to feel like I’m forgetting him, even when that isn’t possible.

#idk how to tag this #I will wanna see it again tho #Jamong #m'self